lex's world

Hi guys, its been a while.

I took a brief hiatus from writing because I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to say. Things in my life got a little chaotic and though most of it was fun, a lot of it wasn’t. Kelby’s court case was an emotional roller coaster and on August 6th he was charged with a felony kidnapping charge and proceeded to serve less than half of his futile 3 month sentence. I worry every day for the woman who falls for his trap next. I feel powerless in stopping him from hurting again. And I feel betrayed by the court system. I told them directly in my testimony that they had the chance to save a life, because he had threatened to kill me and two other women he had been involved with.

Beyond that, this month is the 10 year anniversary of the events that started my PTSD. I am also doing my psychiatric rotation for nursing school and coming, quite literally, face to face with kids in the same situations that almost ended my life. It is shocking how cyclical everything is, that 10 years to the day later I would be on the other side of the mirror, trying to treat kids who are battling the same demons I was so long ago.

That being said, I wanted to share with you guys some really interesting information I was made aware of by a nutritionist who works in the psychiatric hospital I have been placed in. I had no idea how much our diet can affect mental health and was shocked to learn all of the things I could be doing every day to help offset or address my own mental health struggles.

***I am in no way saying that, by implementing these food practices, medications are no longer needed. Never stop taking your medications before talking to your doctor. This is just helpful tricks to use alongside medications that can help treat or prevent conditions.***

The first category I want to hit on is Vitamins. There are a few key vitamins that have been directly related to depression, anxiety, PTSD, and bipolar disorder. They are the B vitamins 1-9 and B12 and Vitamin D. Vitamin D is mainly delivered through exposure to the sun, but there are also plenty of supplements for it as well as whole milk. The B vitamins are essential for energy production, neurotransmitter creation and detoxification. Those suffering from fatigue, depression, anxiety, and addiction may have low B-vitamin status. You can get B vitamins from green leafy veggies, beans, fruits, chicken and sea food. I’ve listed the correct forms of all the B vitamins below. If you purchase B vitamins and they do not match these names they are a weaker or even false form of the vitamin and will not benefit your health. The best brand name on the market right now is Jarrow, they sell a range of supplements and are very well trusted by nutritionists. If you can find any of these as a lozenge, that is the most effective delivery system of B vitamins. They still work if taken orally, but it weakens them. So lozenges actually allow them to absorb through the gums and bypass the stomach all together.

B1: thiamin mononitrate 25mg ****best for drug/alcohol detox****

B2: Riboflavin 25mg

B3: Niacinamide 100mg

B5: Pantothenic Acid/Calcium pantothenate 25 mg

B6: P5P 25mg ******best for depression******

B7: biotin 3000 mcg

B9: folate or methylfolate (not folic acid) 400 mcg

B12: methylcobalamin 200 mcg

The next category is hugely important: Omega 3’s. Omega 3’s are essential to brain function. Your brain is almost 80% fat and omega 3’s are the building blocks of that brain fat. They also help reduce inflammation in the body and brain which can be linked to mental illness.

These are not to be confused with Omega 6’s. Omega 6’s are in extreme excess in our diets to an almost toxic level. Corn, which is in almost everything we eat and fed to almost all of the animals we farm (including farmed fish), turns into Omega 6’s when it gets into our digestive track. Omega 6’s cause inflammation, and while they are healthy in small amounts, the average American is eating 600x more Omega 6’s than needed. Which means that we are very inflamed! The more corn (and corn fed beef/chicken/pigs/fish) you can cut out of your diet, the better.

BACK TO THE 3’s: You can get Omega 3’s by eating WILD caught fish, walnuts, flaxseed, chia seeds, grass fed meats, and pasture raised eggs (the yolk will be a bright orange color instead of a dull yellow). If you supplement with fish oil for your Omega 3’s, make sure it is from wild caught fish- and preferably small fish (makrel, sardines, etc).

Moving on, probiotics (the good bacteria in your gut) are essential to mental health because these healthy microbes help us assemble neurotransmitters and help boost immunity. And we are not joking around here kids- 80% of the serotonin and dopamine in your body are synthesized by microbiome in your gut and then sent to the brain.  You can get probiotics from fermented foods such as yogurt, kefir, sauerkraut, kombucha, and kimchee. These foods, however, don’t even begin to touch the recommended daily dose of 80 billion microbes a day. The only real way to meet this is to take a probiotic twice daily (don’t worry- Jarrow makes these too). Fiber from fruits and veggies feed your bacteria buddies so make sure you’re getting enough of those too!  

MINERALS: These things are the spark plugs pf every enzymatic activity in your body and brain. We cannot bioproduce (create ourselves) these minerals- they have to be in either your food or water. More specifically, Magnesium deficiencies are rampant. A deficiency may result in depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances, constipation, heart palpitations, and muscle cramping/restless legs. High magnesium foods are spinach, swiss chard, dark chocolate, pumpkin seeds, and almonds. OR OR OR !!!! You can also get tons of magnesium from Epsom salt baths. The best forms of magnesium supplements are: Magnesium glycinate (best for anxiety), magnesium citrate/chelate. Normal doses are 200 to 1,000 mg and should be taken at night.

Zinc is also a huge player here. We love Zinc. Zinc deficiencies frequently leads to depressive thoughts and is critical for improving cell signaling to the brain as well as skin and mouth health, digestion, and immunity. High amounts of zinc are found in oysters (YUM), lamb(grass fed y’all), cashews, pumpkin seeds and garbanzo beans (hummus yusssss). The best forms of zinc are zinc aspartate, zinc chelate, zinc citrate and you should take 15-60mg a day. If you can find zinc lozenges, that is the best way to take it as it (like the B vitamins) is made less powerful in the gut.

OKAY OKAY OKAY that was a lot of info. Bottom line is, pay attention to your diet. And if you have mental health struggles like me, maybe consider purchasing some supplements and addressing your mental illness from both the medical angle as well as the natural angle. I just thought this info was way too cool not to give to you guys. 

2017 was a year of extremes for me. I feel the need to take a moment to reflect on everything that's happened because there has been a tremendous amount of both highs and lows. It's hard to think about everything that happened this year and feel bad about it now, because I'm happy with where I am in this moment and that's what truly matters. I'm happy, I'm safe, and I have the keys to creating the future I've always dreamed of. I know the struggles will be worth it; and being able to say that I endured all of this and made it anyway will be a feeling like no other.

On Valentine's Day I was ran off the road at 80 miles an hour, spun 7 times and was trapped inside my car for 45 minutes. The only thing that saved me from being thrown out of my shattered windshield was my seatbelt.

That was the day everything changed for me.

There is something about near death experiences that make you realize how fragile life is and push you to live like you mean it. Spinning off the road was the event that made me manifest what I wanted from this life, and when I finally pulled the trigger on volunteerism.

That week I committed to spending my summer in Southeast Asia. I worked at a tuberculosis clinic in the poorest province of the Philippines and had the best time of my life. But things were rough when I got home.

I had gotten cheated on while I was abroad and that relationship almost immediately spun into a cycle of abuse that threw me completely off center. I didn't think I had any way out, until I finally worked up the courage one night to call the cops. I got out.

There are so many women that reached out to me in the months following, and I'm thankful for everyone of you. Perfect strangers reaching out to ensure the emotional support of another person. That was really beautiful.

The months after we're a period of incredible growth and refocusing. Reinvesting the energy wasted into myself and my friends and finding my normal again. I started working out again, became a vegetarian, started working with @h_collective and planning my trip to Puerto Rico. I had two 4.0 semesters, and though I almost gave up on nursing I realized how important my goals of travel nursing are to me.

My blog post on Puerto Rico is coming. I need a few weeks to really look back at everything that I experienced there and correctly put it into words. I want to make sure my reflection on that trip is perfect. I'm sorry for taking as long as I have.

2018 will be the year things truly take off for me. I know now where my focus needs to be to continue living the life I've dreamt for myself. My resolutions are as follows

-become fluent in Spanish

-lose 5% of my current body fat

-cutting out toxic relationships before they turn destructive

-make more trips home to see my mom.

I hope you all had a 2017 that, good or bad, was a year of learning. I hope you're happy with where you are right now, and if you're not, I hope you have the vision of how to reach happiness. I believe in you. I hope you believe in me too.

Much Love

I was 9. I was the first girl to hit puberty at my elementary school, the first to develop boobs. Boys would take turns sneaking up to me and snapping my bra strap. One time I got so annoyed that I hit one boy in the face. I got sent to the principal’s office. He got to stay in class. 

I was 10. I was playing soccer at recess. I was the only girl on the field. I stole the ball from a boy twice my size and scored on his team. He ran up to me, pulled my shirt up exposing my chest, and shoved me to the ground. We both got sent to the principal’s office, and I had to sit next to him while he defending himself for an hour, and ended up having to apologize to him. 

I was 12. He was 16. I had never had a boy look at me twice, never been called pretty, never been kissed. I was very Christian, went to church 5 times a week by choice, and sworn to purity till marriage. Ryan was the cutest boy at school, and somehow he had chosen me.

I was 12. I was a child. I had just gotten my first period. He started asking me to sneak out to see him, and one night he kissed me. My first kiss. It was the happiest I had ever been. 

I was 12. He was 16. He started asking me to do things that I had never heard of. Told me to keep them a secret. When I expressed fear or discomfort, he would threaten to tell the whole school I had already done it. 

I was 12. One month short of my 13th birthday. He locked me in the guest room. I screamed, I cried, but no one was home. He told me I shouldn’t have gotten him “riled up”, that it was my fault. I didn’t even know what rape was, I barely knew what sex was. I had no idea what to call what had happened to me. My faith was so overpowering at the time that I told myself I was going to marry him, and that it would be okay that we hadn’t waited. That I could still be a good Christian if I only was with him for the rest of my life. I was so lost in my trauma that I thought I had to marry my rapist. 

I was 13. I stopped talking to my friends. I started lying to my mom. I did everything Ryan told me to, because I had convinced myself I had to marry him. I snuck out on school nights, I stopped hanging out with my friends, and when my parents tried to separate us I would develop elaborate lies to see him. I destroyed the relationship with my mother. The greatest woman I will ever know, and I lied to her, told her I hated her for trying to protect me, and I hurt her. But I had to see him, I couldn’t face the reality of what was going on and so I had to live the lie that he and I loved each other. The guilt I felt from seeking out my rapist, the guilt I still feel, will probably follow me to my grave. But he was the only thing I had. I stopped eating. I started cutting myself. He told me it was sexy that I would cry when he would dominate me. He would encourage me to cut myself, he would shame me when I would eat, he controlled everything I said and did. I lost all my friends- but I can’t blame a bunch of 13 year olds for not knowing how to deal with what was happening to me. One time I said no to him, I went outside to call my mom, and when I came back inside he had put his belt around his neck so tight that he wasn’t breathing. When he finally woke up, he raped me once again. 

I was 13. I tried to kill myself. I lost all of my friends. Ryan threatened to kill me. My parents sent me away, as much for my protection from him as it was for me to get the help I needed. Rumors about me spread like wild fire, with the parents just as much as the kids. I got called a slut. Ryan remained the most popular kid in school.

I was 15. I had just gotten back from a year long stay in a residential treatment center. I was still a kid. I was still trying to figure out how to deal with what had happened to me. I was a freshman in high school, at a new school, in a new district, where I knew nobody. In one of my math classes, a popular boy from the sophomore year followed me out to the bathroom. He pulled me into a staff bathroom and locked the door. He forced himself on me. When I said no and tried to run, he pulled me back and called me a bitch. He told me if I told anyone what he had done, they wouldn’t believe me. I knew he was right. I left school afterwards and spent the day crying in a park, alone. The next day, he had told everyone what had happened. All the upperclassman boys chanted “Austin’s girl” at me when they would pass me in the hall. That went on for a year. No one ever found out the truth. My friends who knew what happened still were friends with him and flirted with him because he was popular.

I was 16. I was at a party out in the “Redneck” part of town with some friends. I was standing in the corner when two black kids walked into the party, and I saw six white linebackers from the local football team jumped them for no reason other than their skin color. I had never seen anything like it. I remember running as fast as I could outside, when one of them grabbed me and pushed me against a wall. I got away and made it outside, still running. I hid behind a car. He came outside, yelled “Get back here you bitch”, broke a beer bottle on the side of the house and started after me. I have never run so fast in my life. I didn’t stop until I reached my friend Ashley’s house, which was 2 miles away. 

I was 17. I was at a house party with friends. An ex boyfriend of mine was there, who had recently broken up with one of my close friends Lauren after a three year relationship. I got drunk. I went upstairs, alone, and went to sleep. When I woke up, my shirt was off, and my ex was asleep next to me. I found out the next day he had taken photos of me while I was asleep, shirtless, and told everyone that we fucked. I have no idea what actually happened, I don’t remember anything. Lauren found out. She and I were never friends again. 

 I was 19. In fact, it was my 19th birthday. A friend of mine was hosting a party for me at his parent’s cabin in Breckenridge. It was incredible, I had so much fun, and I got very drunk and was the first person at the party to fall asleep, on the couch (naturally). I was awoken at 3 am by a friend of a friend who had been there that night. His name was Justin. He had maybe talked to me twice that entire night. I woke up to his hand in my pants, and not knowing where I was or what was going on at first. I realized very quickly that I didn’t know this boy. I told him to get off me, but I was too drunk to shove him off. He told me to “Relax” “Just let it happen” “I just want you to have a good birthday.” I kept saying no. I kept trying to get up. He picked me up and carried me up to his room, and started trying to take off my clothes. Something finally clicked in my head. “No, Alexis, not this time.” I told myself. I managed to get up, and stumbled back downstairs to the couch and went back to sleep. The next morning I didn’t even realize what had happened to me until half way through the day. I don’t think I wanted to think about it. I had almost gotten raped on my 19th birthday, by a friend of my friends. He, of course, told the entire group that in the middle of the night, my passed out drunk self went into the room of a boy I didn’t know and fucked him. And then went back down to the couch to sleep. They believed him. I didn’t have it in me to tell them what happened. I knew VERY well what people said about victims that came forward. A couple months later one of my friends wanted to invite him to ski with us, and I told her what happened. I didn’t use the word rape, because I didn’t consider it a rape after what I have been through. I told her I woke up to him assaulting me. A girl I didn’t know was with us that was apparently friends with him, and she told him what I had said. He texted me calling me a cunt, saying I “didn’t know what rape was” saying everyone thinks I’m a crazy bitch now. To this day, that entire friend group still hangs out with him. One of the guys who was there for me when it happened, who defended me against him, now lives with him and has completely changed sides, and one time at a party he called me a stupid bitch because I was upset and preparing to leave when I heard Justin was coming. He literally said “Oh what, because Justin raped you?” Yeah, actually, that is why. 

I am 21. I’m terrified of men. I hide it well, but every time a guy looks at me for too long, every time I find myself alone with one... I’m scared and start planning how I’ll defend myself. I’ve been sexually assaulted by 5 men and sexually harassed by more than I could ever count or remember. I have PTSD from what I went through when I was 12, and every time one of the attacks occurred when I was older I spiraled into a depressive cycle that has almost brought me back to suicide every time. I know what it feels like to sit in a shower so hot it burns you, because nothing makes you feel clean. I know what it feels like to have repetitive nightmares of the same attacks. I know what it feels like to have to figure out what sex is supposed to feel like, and still feel scared when you’re with a partner who loves you. I would never have made it to 21 years without the sacrifices my parents, my mom especially, made for me. Sometimes I question how I’m still here, how all of this could have even happened. My childhood feels like a story I’ve heard about someone else. It’s like I know what happened, but my emotions are so dulled to it that I no longer identify with my own past. This might be because a lot of my memories of that time period are still blocked out from the PTSD. Every few years I get a memory rushing back, and I enter another depressive cycle. Every time I get surprised with a rape scene in a movie or TV show, every time I even hear the word I get sucked back into flashbacks of what happened. Writing this alone has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But I’m sick of being afraid. I’m sick of being quiet. I’ve hidden my experiences for years and years because I was so afraid of what people would think about me. I won’t be quiet anymore. Rape culture is real, and it is the responsibility of all of us to recognize it and end it. And I know I’m not alone. 

#MeToo has made me realize just how many women out there know the fear that I deal with every day. #MeToo has opened up a dialogue for the survivors to talk openly about what we have experienced, about the trauma we live with. I cannot thank the women who have opened up about their experienced enough. I cannot tell you what it has done for me. #MeToo has freed me from years of silence and fear of judgement. I’m not afraid anymore. And I won’t sit back and let this issue go unnoticed for another second. I'm not brave, I'm just fed up. I hate men. I fear men. And I don't want to carry around this resentment anymore. I shouldn’t have to be terrified of having a daughter because of what I’m afraid might happen to her. What I’m afraid men will do to her. I hope if there are people out there reading this that are shocked, I hope that if the events that have transpired over the last 10 years of my life seem unreal, that you realize that there of millions of other girls out there with stories like mine. There are millions of boys out there, there are millions of people who get victimized and have no power to speak out. Who feel like their trauma will be spun around on them, “what were you wearing?” “why were you out so late?” “were you flirting back with him?” The sexual entitlement of men in this country is out of control. But it doesn’t happen over night. Men don’t just wake up as rapists. They learn, through the societal acceptance of sexual harassment, and comments like “boys will be boys”, that it’s okay for them to act in this manner. To quote our PRESIDENT, “when you’re a star they let you do it, whatever you want, just grab them by the pussy”

Hey all, I know my last post was pretty serious, but I wanted to write about something that I get asked about a lot. It seems to me that there are a lot of young people that have the desire to travel, but no idea how to plan a trip! Planning is debatably the most important step in going abroad, or even traveling domestically. You should know where you’re going to be staying, transportation, activities, and especially if you’ll need airfare. So, that being said, here are some tips.

~How to plan for a road trip !!

This past summer I spent over 100 hours in a car traveling, and flew around the world twice! I think that the most important thing to consider before planning a trip is how you’re going to get there. If it is reachable by car, and you want to road trip, there are a few very important things to consider.

The first is, what kind of shape is your car in? I would take your car to a mechanic to be fully inspected before any kind of long road venture. Have the tires rotated, inflated properly, the oil changed if needed, and the engine inspected for any problems. The LAST thing you want is to be stuck on the side of the road in the desert with no cell service and a car that won’t start. Seriously. Shit has happened to me three times. AAA is your friend and I really suggest getting the plan with 100 miles of towing.

Once your car is in shape for the trip, I would check out some road trip planning sites. Here’s one I really like;

http://tripmaker.randmcnally.com

This is a good idea because you can add stops, overnights, and still have a correctly calculated travel time. This site even helps you find hotels along your route. Don’t you love the Internet?

The next major question for a road trip is, who is going with you? I have made three solo 25 hour road trips, which was when I broke down and got put into some dangerous situations. I always suggest road tripping with a buddy. This way you can take shifts driving and cover more distance, have someone to keep you sane while you drive across some possibly boring stretches, and good conversation!

If you are going alone, and are a female, I think having some form of protection on you is a must. I once broke down on Lookout Pass in Idaho, hadn’t had cell service for two hours, and had two men with like 6 teeth between the two of them pull up and start asking me questions. They were SUPER creeps, and thinking about my safety I used both of their phones to call my parents and alert them who I was with discretely in case anything went down. I had my two pythons in the backseat of my car ( I was moving) and I had this plan that if either of them touched me I would pull my snakes out and start speaking in tongues. Thankfully an older couple pulled up and saved me and it didn’t come to that. So, please be careful if you’re going alone.

Another thing to make sure to think about is what you’ll want to be listening to. Music is always great, but so are podcasts! I love listening to podcasts on long drives and think it’s a great way to stay intellectually turned on while you drive. If you find one that you Love it will make time fly by during the drive. Make sure to do this research BEFORE you leave, it’ll keep you off your phone while driving and ready to listen in case you loose service.

Bathing and hygiene are sometimes an issue on the road. Loves truck stops are across the Midwest and many other states and have full service, super clean shower rooms with a sink and towels provided. To save time, I would plan bathroom breaks with gas stops if you can. This isn’t always possible though!

Things to pack: -Ear plugs (in case you’re traveling with a friend and want to nap while they drive and listen to music) -pillows and blankets -a jumper station (in case your car dies) -spare tire (duh) -snacks and water -books -a tent -other camping supplies -cell phone chargers -anti nausea medicine (motion sickness is real fam) -tums (especially if you’re gonna be eating lots of fast food)

That’s all I got! If you have things you want to add, feel free to respond to this post with your tips or responses :)

Much Love

As of last weekend, I ended the second abusive relationship I've had in three years. The only two relationships I've had in three years. The details of what happened aren't important now, but I wanted to put down in writing the red flags that I missed. Mainly for me, so that going forward I can avoid men like this, but also for all of you because sometimes when you're in love with someone; they can be easy to overlook. I couldn't believe, once I took a step back, that I missed so many red flags when the last guy I dated did so many of the same things. 

 1. He doesn't care about getting to know your friends. 

 This one is huge to me. I think that abusive men tend to realize that your friends aren't going to like them, and so they show little to no interest in getting to know them; or they trash talk your friends and try to separate you from them. It's a matter of isolation. If he can isolate you, he can easily control you. 

 2. He has a history of abuse with girls. 

 This one seems obvious, but it's something I wrote off from the beginning because he told me within a week of meeting. And when he told me, he acted like he hated himself for it; like it would never happen again. I saw someone with so much guilt and I just wanted to hold him and make it go away. This is the mask they use, this mask of regret and separation from who they used to be. From what I've learned (the hard way) men like this, without major therapeutic intervention, don't change. 

 3. He treats his parents poorly/has gotten into physical altercations with them before 

Again, a huge sign I overlooked because we both had such hard pasts. When he told me that part of his life was done; I believed him. Even when I heard him verbally disrespecting his parents (who do everything for him), I coached him and thought he could change. 

 4. He thinks his ideas and ways of doing things are better than anyone else

 Narcissism is a huge red flag with guys that should never be written off as confidence. They are not serendipitous. Narcissism is a very dangerous behavioral pattern, because they genuinely don't tend to see their own wrong doing at all. Don't believe apologies from narcissists, believe when they start to change. They will play the sad boy, the sorry act, whatever you need to hear to let them off easy. If he speaks as if he is better than anyone, if his ideas are 100% right without question, you should run for it. Narcissists can't respect other people by default, because they don't think anyone else deserves it. Everything we did- he called the shots. Every tv show we watched was ones he liked. I think he watched a movie I picked out one time in four months. My opinions and desires weren’t a concern, and that isn’t how love is supposed to be. Love is compromise, not a dictatorship. 

 5. He starts either controlling you directly or punishing you when you do things he doesn't approve of 

 My ex used the punishment tactic a lot. Some things he wouldn't straight up say I couldn't do, but he would punish me by silence or lashing out at other little things when I would do them. He started telling me he didn't want me to see certain people that had observed him disrespecting me and wouldn't talk to me if I did. He didn't want me doing photoshoots with other people, so if I tried to schedule one with someone his mood would shift instantly. He would punish me for getting upset when he was disrespectful or abusive, told me I was playing the victim and that me being upset was "me trying to control him". 

 6. He withholds you from activities you used to love, again directly or indirectly

 This showed up for me in photography. Again, I wasn't to shoot with anyone but him. But it was also other things, if I wanted to get up early and hike without him it was a fight. If I wanted to go do anything without him it was a fight. 

 7. His blow ups end with over the top apologies 

 This started early on. My friends all saw it before I did. When his mask first slipped, it was after I had shot with someone else and we went to dinner with my roommate. He had a total blow up and was so rude to her, and I was confused because I had never seen him act like that. We ended up chasing him around the city in my car until he calmed down. And then he was so overly apologetic to both of us, but after a while he just started acting normal again like nothing had happened. He cheated on me while I was abroad volunteering, and before I got home he had spent close to a thousand dollars at Ikea getting items from my room to try and compensate. It worked. I always ended up accepting his apologies.

 8. As time goes on, his blow ups become more frequent and the apologies get shorter or disappear all together 

 Eventually the blow ups happen more and more; and for more ridiculous reasons. You picking up the wrong socks, you telling him that 9 muscle relaxers is too many, you wanting some of his fries (wish I was kidding), etc. and the apologies start shrinking. Because he isn't actually sorry for any of it. The apologies are acts to give you reason to stick around. But once he feels like Is he has decent control over you, he doesn't need the act any more. His apologies stop coming. Suddenly you start to wonder where the guy you fell for went; or if he was ever there at all. 

9. He puts his hands on you for any reason, either to stop you from walking away or to make a point 

 The physical interactions started off with restraining, because I wasn't allowed to walk away or get space when he was upset. He would tell me that I was, in fact, the one who had assaulted him because I would fight back when he restrained me. I would scratch and kick and bite to get him to let me go, so I was the bad one. I was the abuser, I should have just let him touch me whenever and however he pleased. This of course gave way with time to him hitting, choking, and other things back when I would defend myself. It’s a very, very slippery slope. No man has any reason or right to put his hands on you, for any reason, without consent. Especially not during an argument. 

 10. He leaves you alone in public 

 I can't remember all the times this occurred. Once on a road trip he dropped me off at a gas station in Idaho and drove away. He would leave me alone at the bars, at stores, etc. It became clear my physical safety was a non issue to him. 

 11. He starts threatening you verbally 

 Again, if he ever threatens to "beat the shit out of you", please believe him. Guys without abusive tendencies don't threaten those things. They just don't. If he starts threatening you physically, try to get a recording of it (for your own safety going forward if you need a restraining order) and get out. 

 12. He starts using your biggest insecurities as casual points in arguments

 "This is why your friends hate you" "this is why your dad doesn't Love you" "this is probably why your parents got divorced" "you're unlovable" 

 All real things said during arguments. I personally think verbal and emotional abuse is worse than physical, because you never forget these things. And hearing them come out of a different persons mouth only further establishes your belief in them. Please know these things aren't true. He doesn't define you or your relationships. He just wants to break you down so that you keep coming back when his true colors show. You can survive without him and you will be happier doing it. 

 13. Every fight, no matter how trivial, he threatens to leave you 

 From the beginning this was a huge issue. It never resolved, I was always threatened with being left alone in my worst moments; when I was in the most pain. 

 14. He pushes you to move in, or get a job near/with him 

 These things happen during the good times, but being pushed too fast too early is another sign of controlling tendencies. The more he can make your life reliant on him, the more control he has. This is the way abusers create the void in yourself that you feel when they’re gone, they create a physical and practical need to have them in your life-- and then they make a home there. I would be cautious of any guy that pushes you to commit too fast. It may come off as him being crazy about you in all the right ways, but it could be the wrong way all together. 

 13. He starts planting ultimatums early on in the relationship 

 I was told from the beginning that it I didn't do _______ with my future, we weren't going to work. I started entertaining the thought of changing my life goals to incorporate him and his goals. Fuck that. I've wanted the same things for 7 years, I'm not changing that for a guy. But I almost did. 

 14. Your self esteem drops off the deep end 

 I slowly but surely started to believe all the things being said about me, in both cases. He would threaten to talk to all the girls chasing after him, I would feel inadequate. I wouldn't be sexually attracted to him because I felt emotionally unsafe with him, he would threaten to out source his sexual needs. He would creep on other girls on Instagram, I would feel ugly or fat or whatever in comparison. Every time a girl approached him at work, at a bar, etc, I was the first to know. There was a constant need to remind me that I was not the only option, and how easy it would be to replace me. 

 15. He starts holding any nice deeds he has done for you over your head 

 At the end of the relationship I literally got sent a bill for every dollar he had spent during our time together. Seriously. He would defend any wrong doing on his part by "you owe me money" or "I did _______ for you"; and that's just the thing, he did those things to control. He did them to have leverage when his true self came out. 

 16. You find yourself hiding his actions from your friends 

 I subconsciously omitted information from my friends because I was so afraid of coming across as a hypocrite. I knew they didn't want me with him. I knew my mom hated it, so I hid the things he would say and do. I was so afraid of them seeing what I was allowing to happen to me, because I wasn't ready to leave him yet. But finally, when I was, none of them were surprised and they all came rushing to me to support and Love me and prevent me from falling back into the trap.

 So 

 This list could go on, but I think that these 16 things were the biggest signs I missed. Please, if you feel like you might be in an abusive relationship on any level, reach out. I was scared too. I was terrified of what people would think, of being alone, of him, of everything. It's been a week, it's been a really hard week, especially knowing he has been out every night with random girls; but I know I deserve so much more than an abusive emotional black mailer. So do you.

Hi guys! So I thought that the first major article I write should be about my trip to Manila and what I learned during the weeks I was there. The Philippines are a very diverse and exciting place, and I think it’s hard to make any generalizations about the culture of a country made up on 7,500 islands-- but I’m gonna try anyway! I had the time of my life while I was there and want to encourage everyone to consider the Philippines when planning a trip to South East Asia! So here it goes: 

1. Karaoke is God

Filipinos LOVE Karaoke, an activity rumored to have been invented by a Filipino (or so the locals say), that I think needs no introduction. There are Karaoke bars everywhere, karaoke machines in restaurants/laundromats/hotel lobbies/general stores/EVEN IN CARS. Seriously. We rented a van to take on a weekend trip and the van had a karaoke plug in installed in the car. It’s incredibly fun, except if you live above a Karaoke bar like I did. Hearing young girls passionately butcher Kelly Clarkson songs until the early AM is a torture I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy.

2. You will gain weight, and you will have fun doing it

It should go without saying, but Filipino food is incredible. Amazing. Life changing. In the 5 weeks I was there I gained 10 pounds, no shame. I could and probably will write an article just on Filipino food alone. Most traditional dishes are based around rice and a protein, like chicken or fish or pork. Some things I tried that blew me away were Turon (fried crepe with banana, sweet potato, or other fillings), milk fish, adobo (all kinds), lumpia (spring roll type thing), chicken Afritada, halo halo (a korean dessert loved by filipinos), biko (sweet sticky rice, often served wrapped in grass husks) and lots more. Almost every restaurant you visit will have side dishes of vinegar and calamansi next to the napkins on the table, try both on everything. Calamansi is a small, bitter fruit that resembles a tiny lime. 

In urban areas, you will find a lot of American style food, lots of Burger Kings/Mcdonalds/KFC’s/Jolly Bee’s- a largely successful filipino fast food chain. There are plenty of korean BBQ places as well, and honestly Korean BBQ changed my life. Most of them are all you can eat too, a phrase that is reversed to “Eat all you can” at most places in this country. Starbucks are also common place, but if you get the chance to try filipino coffee you should. There is a kind of coffee called Kopi Luwak, or Civet coffee, that is made in remote areas of the Philippines where monks will feed cats coffee, then harvest their droppings and use that to brew their drink. Yeah, you read that correctly. Cat poop coffee. Its a thing. 

Try everything green tea favored, especially the kit kats. SO MUCH BETTER THAN NORMAL KIT KATS. Also try Queso Ice cream (cheesecake like flavor), Ube (purple sweet potato), and pretty much all desserts. 

As far as street food goes, there are some things that I stayed away from. Balut is a delicacy that is consumed all over Asia, its a bird fetus inside an egg. Not my thing. Another delicacy is deep fried day old chicks, feathers and all, also not my thing. Other than that, the street food is amazing. Buko juice, or coconut juice, is sold everywhere and totally delicious- the perfect drink on a scorching island day. Be advised, not all street vendors are honest about where they get their meat or what kind of meat they are serving. 

3. Pet the strays!!!

I made a mission to pet every stray cat or dog I could and let me just tell you, I only met like two mean stray animals my whole time there. This is partially because Filipinos treat pets very different than how Americans do. Many animals are treated as independent parts of the community, and specific ownership of cats and dogs is less common. It’s actually pretty cool, and because of this a lot of the strays are used to human interaction and though dirty, really nice. So pet the strays. Just wash your hands after. 

4. Pretty much everyone speaks English

English is the second national language of the Philippines, and pretty much anyone with a scholastic education speaks it. English is everywhere, especially in urban and touristy areas. Don’t worry about not being able to communicate, 99% of the time someone around you will speak fluent English and will be more than willing to help translate things for you. The native tongue, Tagalog, is a really cool language with lots of english and spanish aspects in it. 

5. You are Po, he is Po, they’re all Po, EVERYONE IS PO

“Hello-po” “Salamat-po” “Thank you-po” “Bye-po”

Po is a sign of respect that gets added at the end of words and phrases. Use it! It’s an easy way to be polite to the locals and incorporate some culture into your language. 

6. For the most part, it is a VERY safe country

One of the biggest concerns I had before arriving was safety. American media likes to portray (for political reasons) this country as unsafe, and I think its a load of BS. Yes, the southern islands are very different than the north and central. If anything, the only real threats to safety are in Mindanao, which isn’t a very popular tourist or traveled area anyway. There isn’t a lot of crime, thanks to capitol punishment still being used by the government. The men are extremely respectful, like shockingly. I was the only white person in my volunteer group, and I went 3 weeks without seeing a single other white person- my point is that I stuck out everywhere I went. The men would stare a little longer than normal but the only things they would said to me were “hello ma’am” or “what is your name?”. Seriously. Not a single cat call or disrespectful interaction. I traveled alone pretty often and never once felt threatened. Just be aware of your surroundings and don’t be stupid. 

7. It’s cheap, but not as cheap as you’d think

The current exchange rate is 49 Philippino pesos per 1 USD. Rural areas are a lot cheaper than urban ones, and Manila prices are pretty much equivalent to american ones. I spent wayyyy more than I thought I would, but I was living in central Manila near universities. Most personal services are much cheaper there, like massages/hair/nails/etc. I got an hour long massage for 600 PHP, which is close to $12 USD. I also got my eyebrows microbladed for around $100 USD, and they look amazing. Most hotels range from around 800 PHP a night to 2,000 PHP a night. So just do your research! I found a seven hour boat tour of Puerto Princesa for like $20 USD, it’s rad. 

8.  The fake bag industry is a blessing

In north eastern Manila, there is a mall called Green Hills, where you can find every designer you can dream. Every bag, every shoe, every belt, everything. And most items are under $100. The catch? The items are fake, but its next to impossible to tell on a lot of them. It is rumored that the high end fake bags even receive excess leather and materials from the designers themselves.

9. Manila Traffic is the worst traffic you will ever see

Manila, being the most populated city on planet, has a lot of traffic issues. Driving in the Philippines is driving to survive, I felt like. I have really bad anxiety in cars and I would just stick my head between my knees and talk to God during most drives. For short distances, walking is better than driving. Short being under 5 miles. Jeepneys are a very common form of public transit, also very cheap transit, but pretty confusing to try and figure out. I was there five weeks and still don’t understand jeepneys. 

10. Download the “Grab Car” app before you go

SO, because transport is confusing, use Uber and Grabcar. The Grab car app is awesome, better than uber I think because if traffic is bad (it always is) they don’t charge you extra. It’s also used a lot more than Uber because of that reason. You can negotiate with Grab Car drivers too for longer trips, I got from Manila to Tagaytay for like $15 USD (740 PHP) several times! 

I post a lot on my instagram story, not as much on snapchat! and I barely use my twitter. I think instagram is really the best way to stay up to date with me <3 

So I’ve decided to start using this good old blog of mine (been up and running since 2011... what?!) to document my travels and experiences over the next few years.

As some of you know, I spent this past summer volunteering at a Tuberculosis clinic in the Philippines, and it lit up a passion to see more of the world. I was working in one of the poorest barangays (filipino word for neighborhood or ward) of the country, a place called Tondo where people live in homes made of scrap metal and cardboard, often sharing a 10 sq foot area with a whole family. It changed my life. 

If you have any questions about that experience, things you want me to write about, questions about how you could take a trip like that, etc. please send them to me! Some articles I’ll be writing in the coming weeks are

~how to save for travel while in school

~companies to travel with

~nonprofits abroad to look into

~safety when traveling

~things to know about The Philippines

~tips on packing 

~jobs that allow you to travel

~how to plan a long trip abroad

Thank you to everyone who’s stuck by me throughout the years. I’ve changed my blog title from om--shanti to Wanderrlex, which is also my instagram handle. https://www.instagram.com/wanderrlex/?hl=en