WanderingStill.

I did it all.

I released my pain and infliction onto body and the bodies piled. It felt as if a thousand lives lived had lived through me and it was my choice to end it all.

I feel as if a bullet has entered my body slowly and has only just completely come out of the other side.

A hole has been left.

Do I need to fill it? Does it need to be nurtured or is that just a part of me now. Gaps where my wholeness used to be.

I could spend the next year trying to fill the void as I have been running from body to body or I could spend the next year living, truly fulfilling my responsibilities.

I'm in the in-between and I think I need to be okay with that.

I need to be okay with the holes and the unknown. I need to be okay with the fact that I don't feel satisfied, being single.

I want to build my family and I've been waiting my whole life for that moment.

I was fed a lie that this is just what people do, they get married and have kids and it's a bit hard but you just go for it anyway.

I find it hard to accept people in my life that have the potential to hurt me. They may have been caught in a lie or love bombed me or shown me to be super judgemental. So I said no. I said that I didn't want them there. Doing this is lonely - it's so hard to find decent people.

I love my Mum's side of the family, they really taught me how to be and what to expect. I know I can really rely on them even if it's just for company.

I'm proud to take that with me.

So I did meditated yesterday whilst high out of my mind.

It really got me reflecting today. Like actually tuning in with myself and to merge my higher self with my current.

I'm still a pretty selfish individual - I do look after me a lot. I do have people to love but I don't think I love them fully all the time.

I do have examples of unconditional love around me but very often i don't want to receive it. I push it away. Partly because of the feeling that I feel that I dont deserve and partly because I dont trust myself.

I consume a lot of media and sometimes the good stuff comes through. Sometimes the right stuff is heard and it makes me realise that the only things holding me back at this point is me.

I believe that real change comes from action. I have really spent a lot of time on my own. It's been good but I've been neglecting those around me that love me and that I love. I havent really been loving them and that's the guilt I feel. I've been treating others as I have been treated.

Putting wounds into others that have also been inflicted on myself.

I don't like that.

I am going to change it. I want to give love and at the moment the only ways I have been showing love is to men. Love means so much more.

My mother did the same. She only showed unconditional love to the men she was with even then it was always fucked up.

I don't like that.

I am strong enough and educated enough and enough to know that I have so much love to give to the people around me. I want to show my friends and family the scopes and really show them how much I really care for them.

Despite my trauma they really have been there for me. They really have given me so much in life and I am so grateful for what they did do. For what they could do.

It's strange that I've never said this to myself it's always been in my subconscious under resentment. I'm tired of it.

She always told me that no on would ever love me the way she loved me. Maybe that is true. I now know that love was not real love. I am glad because being loved like that is torture.

I deserve to be loved unconditional and I deserve to give that to others.

That's how I heal. I suppose that's how I dealt with it when I was younger looking at it. I always gave and loved hard no matter who they were. Whatever that version of love looked like.

I don't want to lose that and become hard and bitter. I'm not going to.

It has been that kind of weekend. I guess my usual distraction was him.

Without him there I feel a bit lost. I feel like I don't know who I am again. It was definitely needed as much as I don't want to admit it. I needed to get away from being with someone else.

It is so hard emotionally to be on my own and to really BE. Not run away from the emotions but to sit with them. It's terrifying. It is forcing me to confront so many things about myself that otherwise would had continued unbothered.

I feel like I am prone to becoming codependent on someone. It's my default I find comfort in not having my own identity and merging it with someone elses. It's easier, I don't have to think and when I make a mistake I never have to fully take on responsibility.

Sounds kind of numbing.

It comes with it's drawbacks. I can not truly connect with someone I can only reflect. I can not truly know who I am or know my character I can only get to know others without them truly knowing me.

I don't think that's a path I've been down yet since my break up.

Who am I now? Who am I without my ex and who have I become. What new challenges do I have to face knowing that growth is not an upward journey.

I know that I am genuinely kind, I do give without thinking I am going to get the same in return. I know at the same time I can be selfish in my points of views and how I se the World. I am liberal and can be quite narrow minded in that. I can be loud and quiet and grouchy and patient and irritable. I can struggle to trust those around me and yet overly trust people also. I hate myself but I love myself too. I know that I deserve some of the best things in life because I have given some of the best things in life.

I know that I have a low self esteem, it is not my fault that I am this way it's the cards that I have been dealt. Now is the time to see how well I can handle those cards and exactly what I will do with them.

Scary because I am afraid to disappoint those around me. The truth is I hide from judgement because I fear letting people down. So much so that I will hide away from the concept or I will try to do everything perfectly right every time.

That fear comes from my Mother she always used to guilt me and shame me and tell the entire family what I did. Looking back on it; it would never be the true story. It would always be some spin throught the rage that I suppose she was trying to repress.

That's it theres this thing in the back of my head that if I don't get it right I'm letting all these people down. So I run. I've been making the choice to run away for such a long time. It's exhausting. I don't want to run anymore.

Someone asked me this exact question a couple of weeks ago and I was stunned because I did not know how to answer it. Instead I paused and said whatever was in my head.

Now I can truly be honest and say I feel devastated and I am definitely grieving the relationship we had. Some place between serenity and turmoil, happy and said. I'm so glad I have my space again and that I have the freedom to live my life as I want to truly live it without judgement and without hate. Sad that I no longer have someone to that with me and there may never be anyone to.

I truly feel like I've lost my two best friends in such little time, two people that I would have trusted with my life and that I loved very deeply. Two amazing humans that gave what they could give at the time. I miss them. I'm happy for them. I grieve the. I hope they are doing better now.

I am starting to get comfortable with the idea of living my life alone. As scary as that feels its the beginnings of this for sure.

I have to trust myself because if I don't truly trust myself how in the hell can i trust anyone else? Isn't that right Ru?

So, I'm single and I'm okay. I feel like I'm getting back to myself slowly and ever more every single day.

Although it's definitely not been an easy journey having to recognise and sit in my 'sad' again is so important. It's not something I ever want to lose. Sitting comfortably in my delulu is not it. If that ever happens again that is something I need to recognise and address.

Suprisingly I've met someone.... again.... I don't know how I feel we've been talking to eachother for hours on the phone. I've made it so painstakingly clear that I just want to take it slow incredibly slow and just become good friends. The connection is undeniable.

I don't even really know this guy properly and although we have only been talking on the phone for a week it feels like we are moving too fast. It feels like I might need to take a step back from him and refocus myself.

I don't want to lose me again like I did before and my people pleasing tendencies are still there. I can't ignore them anymore i really need to address this.

I can only help myself I can't change or fix anyone else by altering myself to fix that mould. Ultimately that just makes me and the other person miserable. It's also manipulation, as self sacrificing as it is, It's still a dishonest way of forming a connection.

Note to self: focus on me and my sense of self, continue to use tumblr

I drew a picture of a woman today. I named her Dynamite.

As I drew this picture I realised that she was the way that I see myself now. I saw a video earlier that was pretty philosophical and it said that there are different versions of you in everyones mind even your own.

So I decided to draw the version of myself that I saw in my own mind. I realise that she is angry and mean and she is also quite wary of the world around her. She wants to navigate all the things she believes in and is interested in but ultimately she's too scared to live in the authenticity.

I try to be authentic but I find it SO hard when there is SO much judgement everywhere. I know this stems from my mother, I wasn't allowed to be myself I was only an extension of here. The only times I got to be with myself is when I was away from her and I could just be free in my own space. Not have to be around anyone else. Even the way I acted when I was around others would eventually get back to her.

I now know that this does not serve me, my family have all said to me that they no longer want to have any association with her. They no longer have to put on the fascade of accommodating to her every need. There's literally NO ONE stopping me from being authentic anymore. I am no longer 'her child' as she used to say. I am my own person and I literally have so many interests outside of her.

I even think about what I really have in common with my mother and I can't think of much. Even down to the food I enjoy, I'm starting to realise how much me was grounded in her view of me. Or her version of me. I've worked so hard to find the version of me so much so that I can put it down on paper. I have so much personality and interests and I am such a cool person. I have charisma - I just need to let that shine knowing that no one will harm me if I do.

I fell like as a child I would literally get punished for speaking my opinion or going my own way. I would get physically hurt or assaulted if I tried. I am now an adult and no one can put their hands on me without my permission and if they do I have the strength to walk away and ask for help. My mother longer in my life so I do not have to put with anything from anyone. I fought so hard to keep her out of my life and I deserve to revel in that

I deserve to not be punished by her version of me. I deserve to be the version of me that I see myself to be, That version deserves love as that version knows how to love and is learning how to receive love.