A lil Spicy. A lil Thicc.

*naruto runs into your heart*

me: I’m YELLIN me really:

how do people sneak out of their house??? I could be going to pee in the middle of the night and my mom will be like what tf you doing 

Whenever I need motivation I just google Gordon Ramsey 

lets be real guys if theres ever a zombie apocalypse do you even know how many white girls are gonna try and find a zombie boyfriend like in Warm Bodies 

there’s this guy that looks just like will.i.am at my school and i whisper “let the beat rock” every time he passes me and he always just looks around trying to find who said it

[tries to crowd surf at a TED talk]

[walks around with an entire big mac in my mouth but never actually biting down] It’s a metaphor, see: you put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don’t give it the power to do its killing.

you took this from a fault in our stars augustus does the same thing only with a cigarette ok ok

i don’t know what you’re talking about this is an excerpt from my upcoming 100% original novel “the fart in our stalls”

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank You” will suffice. None of this “How did you get in my house” business. So rude

Horton hears somebody he used to know

can i politely murder you

i may not be beautiful but at least i know a lot of useless information

my granddad just called me to tell me how big his cauliflowers are growing and it was so cute theyre “TWICE as big as the ones you get in the shop”

i told my granddad this post has 3,500 notes and he said ‘who are they? do i know them?’ he wanted me to list everyone and see if he knew anyone

If you don’t reblog cauliflower granddad, then you’re just a mean person.