"The washer idling speed... lavation."

lmaoo

miss me with that ‘weapon accuracy’ shit. im shooting everything. im laying down cover fire. im shooting the walls. im shooting my teammates. im shooting myself. my accuracy is 100% yall just dont know what im aiming at

I didn’t even read the rest because I’m still laughing at “miss me with that ‘weapon accuracy’ shit” like I’ve never read a more perfect phrase in my life

its kind of fun to uninstall programs you arent using to free up space and see them all beg for their lives

Sucking two dicks at the same time like that pig in chicken little

when you go to bed significantly earlier than usual, a little menu should pop up asking if you want Wake Up Early or More Sleep. and then you should get what you requested. that's my human body UI improvement for the day.

hey don't cry. on december 3, 1926, agatha christie went missing for eleven days and because the uk police didn't know what to do they recruited sir arthur conan doyle, creator of master detective sherlock holmes, but all he did was conduct a séance to try and contact her distressed spirit

I did a loud snort so I found a source

i bring a sort of "there's a fatphobic terror at the centre of all eating disorders" vibe to the conversation that thin people don't like to hear

This email could’ve been nothing, I simply did not need to receive this information