Raggedy Man, Goodnight

Today was terrible. The refrigerator was slightly broken, the door just slightly ajar, which meant that I could hear the fan whirring around inside it whenever I was in its vicinity. One of the lightbulbs in the lobby kept flickering, which drew my attention to it every time I was around it, and it had a soft tapping noise. The new aprons we were designed to wear just felt all wrong with the string itching around my neck. I'd been assigned to cut up the fruit today, which left my hands feeling slightly raw and tingly after doing the repeated action for so long.

And the customers. The customers were just feral today, it seemed. Everything around the store was already distracting me and overwhelming me from getting my job done properly, and the customers just made it all worse. They were loud, cranky, and just overall rude.

By the time my shift ended, I was completely overwhelmed and on edge. I had to check my person over at least four different times to make sure I had everything before I could leave out to my car because I was not coming back inside. And even at my car, I had to just sit there behind the wheel and breathe for a few minutes to make sure I would be able to focus on the road to make it home in one piece.

It was a short drive home, but it felt like it took ages to get there. As soon as I was home, though, my shoes were kicked off haphazardly at the door. My hands were fumbling with the apron's string around my neck and waist before I draped it on the back of one of the kitchen chairs where my keys were dropped onto the counter immediately after. I was already pulling off my work shirt as I walked down the short hallway to Shouta and my shared bedroom, and the fabric was discarded onto the floor next to the door as soon as I pushed it open.

My work pants followed suit, being discarded on my side of the bed as I climbed underneath the covers, only clad in a pair of boxers now, as I folded myself up under the covers. I closed my eyes as I relaxed against the pillow, though my whole body was still tense.

The covers were soft, and they felt nice against my skin. The room was quiet, which was much appreciated after everything being far too loud all day. All my senses ached horribly, but there was quite literally nothing I could do about it. I was a slave to the torture that my ADHD provided now, powerless to change it.

"Rough day, I presume?"

Shouta's voice caught me off guard, causing me to jump. Even in the silence of the room, my head had been far too loud to allow me to hear him walk in. My eyes flashed open, and I looked down at him from the comfort of the blankets wrapped around me.

There he stood, leaning up against the doorframe, looking over at me in the bed. There was a slight smile on his lips, but there was a twinge of sympathy in his eyes that I could note. I merely hid myself away in the blankets again, closing my eyes as if it would help the situation.

"Doesn't even begin to cover it," I muttered, my voice muffled by the sheets.

I heard Shouta's footsteps enter the room, and the bed dipped a bit to adjust for his weight as he sat on it. One of his hands gently settled on my shoulder, his thumb rubbing comfortingly over top of the blankets.

"I'm gonna scream, Shouta. If one more person talks to me or even fucking looks at me, I'm gonna have a meltdown. I swear to Jesus Christ."

Was I being dramatic? Maybe, but it certainly did not feel like I was at that moment in time. The overwhelming feeling in my chest and throughout my whole body did not make me feel like I was being dramatic at all. I was past my limit.

"Can I be the exception?" Shouta asked, his voice soft. "I'll just lay with you. We don't have to talk. Hell, I'll even close my eyes."

I was quiet for a moment, trying to decipher my emotions and thoughts. Would him being there help? Would his presence make things worse? This wasn't the first meltdown I'd had in front of him, and it certainly wouldn't be the last. But it didn't make it any easier to figure out, and it didn't make me feel any less guilty.

"I can always leave if you end up deciding you hate it."

Despite it all, my silence, my indecisiveness, my short temper, Shouta was still kind. He was still understanding. Maybe it came from him being a teacher. Maybe it came from him knowing what it was like to be overwhelmed. Maybe it was just his patient side shining through. I didn't know.

"Okay," I whispered out. "Just... hold me."

With the few words, Shouta shifted on the bed. I felt the bed wiggle a bit, which only served to agitate me more, but I tried to push it down. After all, he couldn't just be completely still as he moved on the bed despite me wanting him to during my overwhelmed state. It was only a few seconds, though, before he was under the sheets with me, an arm around my waist, pressing his chest up against my back.

My arms were still curled up against my chest, holding onto the blankets between my fingers, and my legs were still bent, my knees pulled a bit towards my chest. But it didn't seem to bother Shouta at all. He just worked around me, not trying to pry open my shell or to wiggle his way inside of it. He just looped his arm around me and nestled himself up against me.

His presence was solid after the bed stopped shaking, allowing me to find solace in the quiet bedroom and the soft blankets around my body. I could feel Shouta breathing, his chest pressing against my back with each breath.

And we simply laid there together. Silent.

Shouta even let me keep the blankets mostly over my head, which in turn had his head mostly covered, even though I knew he wasn't a huge fan of being covered up like that. I knew he was probably getting hot, but even if he was, not a peep or a complaint. We just laid in silence as I slowly collected myself together, letting the stresses of today wash away, and the ADHD meltdown dissolve.

I lost track of how much time had passed, but eventually, I found myself calmed enough that I wasn't balled up so tight on myself and that I wasn't gripping onto the blankets so tightly.

I breathed out a soft breath, reaching down to gently cover Shouta's hand with my own, lacking my fingers over top of his. My own thumb gently rubbed over his skin, silently thanking him for staying.

"You feel better?"

I nodded slightly in response to Shouta's quiet question.

"Good. Now, can we take the blanket off our heads?"

A smile curled my lips as I nodded once more, reaching up to pull the blankets down to a more reasonable level. I heard Shouta breathe out a heavy breath, and I felt the warmth on the back of my neck. Now a soft chuckle left my lips.

"Better for you?" I asked him this time.

This time, Shouta chuckled.

"Yes."

I shifted around in the bed this time, turning to face him directly. His arm remained around my waist, and I moved to mimic his position, my arm around his waist.

"Do you want to talk about what happened today?"

I took a deep breath in, letting it out slowly. There wasn't exactly much to talk about. It was just my ADHD, spiraling out of control again. Something I was, unfortunately, all too familiar with. Something that I didn't always get to control.

"Just the ADHD again," I replied after a few minutes of silence.

Shouta gave a small, knowing nod. "That bad today?"

"Yeah. Everything... everything just went wrong today. I don't know. The customers were complete jerks, and there were so many little things that just kept adding up." I shook my head slightly.

Shouta rubbed my side gently, calming me further after the day I had had. My fingers curled into his shirt, holding onto him just a little tighter.

"I'm sorry."

But I shook my head again. There was a part of me that hated his apologies. I hated it when he apologized for me having bad days with my ADHD. It wasn't like he caused me to have ADHD. It wasn't like he was the one that made me have a bad day. It felt... weird having him apologize over something he had no control over.

"It's just something I live with, Sho. There's just... going to be bad days."

He leaned a bit closer to me, placing a kiss onto my forehead.

"We'll get through those together, okay?"

I closed my eyes, relishing in the softness of his lips against my forehead. It was a gentle gesture, one that wasn't really necessary in this moment, but one I appreciated all the same.

"Okay."

Shouta smiled at me, reaching up to brush his fingers along my cheeks.

"Come on now. Let's get you something to eat. I'm sure you could use something after today, yeah?"

I nodded, though I didn't make any move to get up from the bed.

"I would like that. Think we could order out? I'm not ready to get up yet."

This time, Shouta chuckled, pulling me a little closer to his chest.

I sighed, wrapping my blanket around my shoulders and body tighter. I glanced at Spencer again, admiring the way he leaned his cheek against his hand to read. I was in love with him, and I was incredibly lucky to have him as my boyfriend.

He had done so much for me in the time we had known each other. I started working at the BAU shortly after recovering from top surgery. I didn’t want to make it a huge deal or issue — I was also afraid of what they’d say — so I didn’t say anything about it for a long time. Yet when I had come to the realization that I liked men, Spencer was the first to realize and understand. He told me his experience about how he realized that he was bisexual. Every problem I had, I went to him. He was understanding and gentle with me the whole time.

Eventually, I came out to Spencer as trans. I was extremely nervous and scared, but he was so happy for me. He told me he was proud of me for being able to accept myself when most people probably wouldn’t. I remember how much I cried knowing that my best friend accepted me as I was. As a man. As Y/N.

I think that was the day I fell in love with him or at least realized that I had.

I kept quiet about it for a while until Penelope had caught on. She quickly told Derek, who then was quick to tease me about it. I didn’t mind, however. Spencer didn’t understand a lot of the jokes Derek would make.

It had been about two years before I was able to confess my feelings to him, which, thankfully, he returned. Our relationship had started shortly after.

Spencer was okay without sex for a long time in our relationship. We both decided that it wasn’t super important for us to have sex. There were times we had make out sessions, and a few of those lead to me pleasing Spencer, but I’d never allow him to do it back to me.

It was about a year and a half into our relationship that he finally had asked why. I told him that I hadn’t been able to get bottom surgery yet because I didn’t have the money, and I didn’t really like being touched there because of the dysphoria it gave me. I also admitted that I was afraid he wouldn’t love me because I didn’t have the parts that I wanted. He assured me that he was okay with whatever parts I did had, but completely understood if I didn’t want to be touched until I got the surgery.

Ever since I told him, Spencer had been putting some money away for my surgery as well. I told him that he didn’t have to, but he wasn’t having any of it. He told me that he was happy to help pay for it if it would improve my feelings toward myself. I couldn’t deny it, and I couldn’t deny him, so the two of us kept saving up for my surgery.

It felt like a hundred years, but after checking the account we made specifically for my surgery funds, we had enough money. I sat there, stunned for a moment before running to tell Spencer. He was in the shower when I told him. I had ripped the shower curtain open and got in the shower with him, hugging him tightly, and telling him that we made it. He held me back, just as happy as I was.

I, obviously, had to talk to Hotch at this point. I told him that I didn’t have set surgery date, but I’d need time off for the surgery and for recovery. He was silent before nodding and giving me his rare smile, telling me he was happy for me and that the time off was granted, regardless of when it was.

Spencer looked up from his book, catching my eyes. He smiled at me, which caused me to blush. I always was embarrassed when he caught me staring, but it was expected after us being together for a couple years. I was still just as in love with him as I was when I had first told him. Maybe even more.

He looked back down at his book, and I resituated myself once more. I pulled my headphones from the pocket of my jacket and plugging them into my phone before bundling the jacket up and using it as a pillow. The music was soft and gentle to help me relax and sleep a bit easier.

My heart skipped a beat when my music suddenly shut off, and my ringtone began blasting in my ears. I answered after taking a calming breath. Well, at least I wasn’t as tired anymore.

“Hello?” I answered, trying to keep my voice low so I didn’t wake the others.

“Y/N L/N?”

My heart jumped as I recognized the voice. “Speaking.”

“Hi, hello. This is Dr. Monroe. I just wanted to call and let you know that you’ve been approved for your surgery. We have scheduled you for the twenty-sixth at eight a.m. Does that work for you?”

I wanted to scream out of pure joy. It didn’t matter what day or time it was; I was going to be there. I collected myself to answer calmly. “Yes, of course.”

“Okay. Wonderful. We’ll send you an email reminder and a list of things you need to do before your surgery.”

“Thank you for letting me know.”

“Of course. See you then.”

“Goodbye.”

The call ended, and I stared at my phone screen. The music started back up in my ears, but I barely even noticed.

I did it. I got in. I have an appointment. I’m going to get my surgery. I’m getting my surgery.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and looked over. Spencer was sitting beside me, concern pulling his eyebrows together. I took the headphones out of my ears as he brought his hand to my cheek. I didn’t realize I was crying until he brushed some tears away.

“What’s wrong, my love?” he asked.

I choked back a sob, gripping his wrist and holding his hand against my face. “I got an appointment, Spence.”

That was all I needed to say. Spencer’s face erupted into joy, pulling me into his lap, and hugging me tightly. I held him back just as tight, hiding my face in the side of his neck.

“I got an appointment. I have an appointment. I got in. I got in,” I kept mumbling between breaths.

“I’m so happy for you, Y/N. Do you want to go tell Hotch? We can start planning for your time off,” Spencer said after I calmed a little bit.

I pulled back and sniffled, a wide smile on my face, and I nodded.

As I stood and looked in Hotch’s direction, I already saw a small smile on his face as he continued writing. He knew, I was sure of it, but I wanted to say it. To say it aloud and confirm it to someone else.

The only ones who knew I was trans was Spencer and Hotch. Spencer knew because I wanted to be honest about my past with him. Hotch knew because I’d had to explain some slight complications in my old information.

However, regardless of all that, I never got rid of my long, almost waist length hair.

I was always holding onto a little piece of my past. My parents had been very transphobic toward me, never allowing me to cut my hair or buy masculine clothing. I had to do everything all by myself once I had moved out. Yet I kept my long hair in an attempt to please my parents even after I changed.

It didn’t work, and they dropped all contact with me. Today, I had finally gotten up the courage to cut my hair as I had always wanted to: a buzz cut. Nothing too dramatic, but dramatic enough to match my personality. And it was long overdue for a change.

I opened my eyes, smiling a bit to myself as I got out of the car and locked it. I hadn’t yet gotten a call from Hotch saying I needed to come in, so I hoped I’d have enough time to get this hair cut.

Once I sat in the chair and the coat-like covering was draped over me, I couldn’t stop smiling. I explained to the hair dresser, Debi, exactly what I wanted, and she was obviously excited for me. That made me feel all the more excited for it myself. I had been going to her for years and for years she had been trying to get me to loosen up and cut my hair.

We had been high school friends, so she knew all about my transition and why I never had cut my hair. But now, she was super excited, hyping me up the whole time.

I kept my eyes closed most of the time, not wanting to spoil the surprise. I was hoping, praying, that it would look good on me. It was hard to focus on the doubts when Debi kept saying how handsome I looked and how Spencer was absolutely going to melt when he saw me.

Spencer and I had been dating for about a year now. He knew of my being trans and how my parents treated me. He never met them, and granted, he didn’t want to. However, he fully supported me not cutting my hair, even though he wasn’t a huge fan of why I wasn’t.

“You’re all set, hun!” Debi exclaimed, putting her razor down. She stood in front of me as I opened up my eyes. “Are you ready?!”

I nodded eagerly, and she stepped aside, allowing me to look in the large mirror in front of me. My jaw dropped as I saw my reflection.

It was perfect.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I reached up to touch the shaved spots. The short hair looked absolutely perfect on me, and I’d be lying if my self esteem didn’t skyrocket because of it.

“Thank you so much, Debi. I love it. I should’ve listened to you sooner.”

She gave me a pointed look, but couldn’t stop herself from smiling as well. “Did I not tell you so?”

At that moment, my phone went off. I checked it, seeing as it was for work. “You did, Debi. But duty calls. Let me pay you so I can get outta here.”

Within three minutes, I was back on the road. I was smiling the whole time I drove. Part of me felt a little guilty for being so giddy since there had been a murder, but I eased my conscience by reminding myself I was giddy over my own personal experiences and the team seeing me, not the murder itself. I only wanted to see the team’s reactions.

I walked into the bullpen, my eyes darting around wildly as I tried to avoid eye contact with everyone. Suddenly, I felt very, very shy, and I was overly aware of the cool air on the back of my neck. Has it always been this cold in here?

“Oh. My. Goodness.” Garcia was the first to notice me. She rushed up to me, a bright smile on her face. “Oh! Look at you!”

Her excited exclamations tugged over JJ and Emily’s attention. Both of them smiled at me.

“Hey, lookin’ good, Y/N,” JJ said. “Suits you.”

“I like it. Different than what I’m used to seeing you with, but it looks really good on you,” Emily said, nodding in approval.

“Thanks, guys,” I replied with a light blush dusting my cheeks.

Derek was the next to come in and notice me. “Hey, hey, hey! Look at you! Gettin’ all snazzy with a new hairdo. New you; I’m digging it.”

I laughed and nudged him with my shoulder as he reached out to fluff what was left of my hair. “Thanks, Derek.”

Hotch came in, took a glance at me, and gave me a small smile and nod. “Ready for work?” It wasn’t much of a reaction, but after working with Hotch for this long, I knew that was his approval. He was proud of me.

All of us got up to go to the conference room when a soft gasp took my attentions way from Hotch and the others.

Spencer was standing behind me, his lips parted in a slight shock. It then turned into a large smile as he walked up to me and took my hands in his.

“You did it,” he mumbled softly, bringing a hand up to my cheek.

“Yeah,” I breathed out softly. “It was time. Long overdue, if I’m being honest.”

He ran his hand up the side of my face, rubbing it over my head. His smile widened, if that was even possible. “God, you look so good.”

My cheeks darkened with a blush. “Yeah. I think I’ll miss the man bun, though. Maybe at a later date, I’ll get it back. But for now? For me? Yeah... I do look good.”

Spencer pulled me into a tight hug, placing a kiss on the top of my head. “I’m so proud of you, Y/N. So proud,” he whispered.

Tears pricked my eyes. It was so satisfying and freeing to let that last but of past me go. To let it disappear forever. To finally be me. I clutched his shirt tightly, reveling in his soft praises.

“Thank you, Spence.”

A throat cleared, and the two of us separated, seeing Hotch standing outside the door of the conference room. He gestured to the file in his hand with his eyes.

“I am very glad you guys had this moment together. It’s a good move for you, too, Y/N. But evil does not wait for a haircut. Please, both of you, join us.”

My entire face heated, and I nodded quickly. “O-of course. Sorry, sir.”

Hotch gave me a small smile before disappearing back into the room.

I took Spencer’s hand. “I guess we better get in there; he is right.”

Spencer gave my hand a small squeeze and pressed another kiss onto my forehead. “He is. Maybe we can celebrate later tonight after the case.”

I laughed a little bit as we walked to the room. “Don’t have so much hope for the ease of this case. You should know better, Spence! You of all people.”

He let out a light laugh. “Perhaps. I’m just really happy for you.”

I took a seat beside him around the table as Penelope began to show the pictures and explained what we knew about the case.

“Y-yes,” I breathed out.

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, sir.”

Aizawa smiled again, loosening his grip just slightly on the scarf, allowing my bound hands to rest against the pillow again. He straddled my hips, grinding against me in the slightest bit. I could feel his arousal against my own, edging me closer and almost making me beg for what I wanted. What I needed the most.

Gently, a hand wrapped around my neck, and Aizawa bent down, his body weight pressing against my chest. His lips were close to my ear, and I could feel the heat of his breath on my neck. 

“Gonna fuck you,” he mumbled. “I’m gonna fuck you so good. Make you beg for me, desire me, make it until all you can think of is me, and me inside of you. I’m going to make you scream my name, you little slut.” Aizawa’s hand progressively got tighter around my neck. “I’ll fuck you senseless, my little whore, until all you can’t speak at all. And you’ll take it, just like the good little boy I know that you are.” He kissed my neck softly, nipping at it. “Maybe I’ll use my Quirk and render you completely powerless.”

It was almost impossible for me to breathe and the words that he was saying brought back memories. Memories that I didn’t really want.

I was almost thrown down on the bed, and he hovered over top of me. He sneered at me, yanking me closer to him. Nothing about what he was doing was gentle at all, nothing like how I had previously begged for after he hadn’t taken my no for an answer.

“You should know never to tell me no, bitch,” he growled. “I don’t like hearing those words come from your dirty, little mouth.”

I squeezed my eyes shut and bit my lower lip. I didn’t want to see him right now. I didn’t want any of this. Our relationship had slowly been deteriorating, and I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until this moment now. The moment he didn’t accept my ‘no’ any longer.

“Please,” I whimpered softly. “Please don’t do this. I-I said no. I don’t want to do this right now.” I felt so helpless, unable to do much of anything. Powerless.

A harsh slap to the face stopped any more words from leaving my lips. “Did I fucking say you could talk, whore? I didn’t. Shut up, and take it like a good little boy.” When I tried to push him away, he grabbed my neck, squeezing it tightly, choking me. “Stop fucking squirming, and maybe, maybe, I’ll be gentle with you.”

“P-please,” I whimpered softly, squeezing my eyes shut, struggling for air. 

Aizawa only smiled against my neck. “Starting already, are we?”

I shook my head a little, feeling my lip quiver. “C-cherry blossoms...”

Aizawa’s grip on my neck released before I even finished the whole safe word. I felt his smile fade a split second before he pulled away from my neck and body completely. His fingers made quick work of untying the capture scarf from my body and throwing it to the side. 

I felt guilty for using the safe word, but I felt even more guilty once I remembered that both of us were still in our boxers. We’d not even gotten fully undressed or done anything...

Aizawa’s thumb swiped away tears I didn’t even realize I had been shedding. “Shh, you’re okay baby. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

I shook my head, forcing myself into a sitting position. “N-no, no, I-I gotta... gotta do...”

“You don’t have to do anything. You used the safe word. We’re done now. It’s okay.”

Tears rolled down my cheeks at the immense guilt I felt over hearing ‘we’re done now.’ I knew that wasn’t his intention, but I couldn’t help myself. 

“I didn’t d-do anything for you!” I blubbered, nearly full on sobbing. “I have to do something for you. I didn’t... didn’t make you f-feel good or anything. I-I didn’t make you cum, and I didn’t even t-touch you. I-I got anxious over memories an-and I said it and I shouldn’t have an-”

“Hey.” Aizawa gently turned my head to make me look him in the eyes. “Never say you shouldn’t have said the safe word. It’s okay that you didn’t do anything for me, and it’s always, always okay that you used the safe word. I didn’t ask before doing those things. I’m sorry; that’s on me.”

He slid his hand down my cheek and took mine. I knew I was going to have to tell him about why it triggered me so much. He wasn’t going to ask, but I knew that it wouldn’t be fair to keep him in the dark on the subject.

“How about I draw a bath. Would that make you feel better?”

I nodded, sniffling and wiping my tears. Aizawa got up and went to the bathroom. I could hear the water running, but he didn’t return. I was grateful for that because I needed a few minutes to myself. I was thankful that he paid so much attention to me. Eventually, I got up and went to the bathroom. The tub was almost full.

“Will you join me?” I asked softly, my voice slightly hoarse from crying. 

Aizawa looked over his shoulder at me and gave me a soft smile. “Of course.”

It was silent then as the two of us undressed and got into the warm bath together. I leaned back against his chest, and he draped his arms loosely around my waist. His thumbs rubbed small circles on my hip bones, and his chin settled gently on my shoulder, offering soft whispers of sweet nothings and encouragements. 

I was crying, silent tears running down my cheeks. I didn’t deserve this sort of treatment. I didn’t feel like I did at all. I ruined everything. The whole night. I knew Aizawa knew I was cryng, but he didn’t say anything about it. He was giving me space, giving me time, and giving me soft encourgament to do what I needed to do.

“He raped me,” I whispered quietly, looking down and watching the water ripple as my tears dripped into it. “I-I said no, but he didn’t listen, and I... some of the things you said and the whole choking thing...” I shook my head. That was all I wanted to say right now, and I silently begged that he wouldn’t press me to tell more. “I’m sorry I ruined our night.”

Aizawa pressed a gentle kiss onto my shoulder. “I’m so sorry. Next time I’ll ask every time before doing something. But you did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing. That was on him, and this is on me. I’m so, so proud of you for using your safe word. You did so good. So good.”

We got out of the bath shortly after that and dried off. Aizawa opted for sweatpants without a shirt, while I took one of his shirts and a pair of boxers. He always teased me when I wore his shirts, telling me that if I needed a hug, he was right there. But it was his scent that calmed me down and knowing that it was something of his made it all the more better. Tonight, he didn’t make fun of me even though we were going to cuddle.

He pulled me close to him, and my head rested on his chest. I could hear his steady heartbeat, and I tried matching my breathing to its steady rhythm. His fingers gently combed through my hair, which made me tear up again. This man truly loved me, and I couldn’t have asked for anything better. Anyone better.

Aizawa began to hum a soft tune, vibrating deep in his chest. It brought a smile to my face, and I hummed along with him.

“I love you, Sho,” I whispered softly after a few minutes.

“I love you, Y/N,” he replied back.

I hadn’t told him. I couldn’t bring myself to explain that I had been let go, that I was struggling to find other work. I thought by now I would have a job again, but I didn’t. I knew this was coming, in a way.

I stopped eating as much, afraid to spend Hizashi’s money. I started wearing the same clothing a few days in a row to do less laundry, causing me to use less water. I couldn’t be a freeloader. I wouldn’t let myself become one.

I stormed into the kitchen, tearing brimming in my eyes. How was I going to tell Hizashi? I still had time to figure it out, but how would he react? Would he be mad? Think I wasn’t trying hard enough? That because I wasn’t a hero, that I brought this upon myself?

A million thoughts and questions ran through my head, making everything so loud. I covered my ears, tears now dripping down my cheeks. Yet that seemed to do nothing but amplify the sounds. I pressed my palms against my ears harder, as if adding pressure would drown out the noises. Again, it was a failure.

I knew I was spiraling now; I was working myself up. But I couldn’t seem to stop myself. My chest tightened. Hizashi was going to be so mad. He was going to yell at me. He was going to leave me. I had enough money left for a little while, maybe I didn’t have to tell him yet. But then he would wonder why I’m home all day. Maybe I wouldn’t have to tell him that either.

My arms began to ache from the pressure I was putting on my head, so I dropped my hands. But they were shaking, trembling with fear. I had to tell him. It wasn’t fair to keep secrets like that. It wasn’t right. It I’d be living with him and using his money, he had a right to know why I couldn’t pay for much anymore.

I shook my head violently, trying to breathe. No no no. No. I can’t tell him. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to do it today. Today was too much so as it is.

I curled my hands into fists, frowning when I felt a cold metal in my hand. I looked down, seeing that I now held a knife. I frowned. When did I get this? My heart skipped a beat as I sucked in a breath.

I had a history with self harm that Hizashi didn’t know about. I wouldn’t tell him. We’ve been together for a year now, but I never let him see the scars on my thighs or upper arms. I had been clean for almost six months now, so I didn’t really feel a need to tell him. I had been doing so well...

I gently touched the blade, feeling that this must have been a new knife as it was pretty sharp. I found myself carrying it to the bathroom, my feet moving without much thought.

I sat down on the lid of the toilet, staring at the metal utensil. This is a punishment for losing your job. I closed my eyes, whimpering softly. This is your punishment. You deserve this. I shifted, dropping my sweatpants to the floor around my ankles. I rolled up the edge of my boxers and looked at all the other scars that painted my skin with white marks.

A numb feeling washed over me. I stopped crying, but I didn’t dry my tears. I pressed the knife against my skin, dragging it slowly. Pain bloomed, but I didn’t dare stop. Again, I lifted the knife, pulling it back along my skin. Again. And again. And again. The blade was covered in red. My blood spilled out of the cuts smoothly, building up to run down my thigh.

I grabbed some toilet paper and drabbed at them. I shifted a bit, adjusting myself so I could make work of my other thigh. This time, I did more than simple cuts; I carved a reminder I to myself.

F A I L U R E

The letters filled with blood, making the letters look bold and running into one another as the bled more. Once again, I wiped away the blood.

My eyes then turned to my arm. I didn’t feel like I did enough. My punishment wasn’t over yet. I didn’t think as I slid the knife across my forearm, a place I hadn’t yet cut before. It was almost euphoric, cutting in a new place. Ruining the pristine skin there, knowing it would scar. I deserved it.

Feeling rushed back into my all of a sudden, the pain increasing tenfold. I cried out, dropped the bloodied knife as I stared in shock at what I had done. Six months, down the drain. Six months, gone.

Quickly, I scrambled through the bathroom cabinet for bandages, wrapping the still bleeding cuts up. In my panic, though, I realized I didn’t regret what I had done. I only was panicking because I couldn’t let Hizashi find out. I didn’t want to see his disappointment. His anger. His disgust.

I put my sweatpants back on, hiding the bandage on my thigh easily. However, I now needed a long sleeve shirt to hide my arm.

I bent down a picked up the knife, taking it with me as I went to the kitchen. I washed it off, using soap and water, and then replacing it back where I had gotten it from. Maybe Hizashi would never notice it was moved and used at all.

I made my way to the bedroom, digging through our shared dresser. I knew it would seem a bit suspicious if I used one of my own long sleeve shirts, so I stole one of Hizashi’s and slid it on. I rolled up the sleeves instead of just pushing them up in fear of exposing the bandage.

I walked back out to the living room and sat down on the couch. I felt.... weary. Drained. I stayed silent and still on the couch, just trying to feel something. Anything. Anything at all.

When they didn’t work, I went and put on a playlist that always got Hizashi and I happy and in a dancing mood. I turned the volume up and sat back down on the couch. The CD player took a little bit to load, but I didn’t mind. The quiet before the music gave me more time to think. More time to analyze.

As the music stared, I closed my eyes. Maybe that would help me feel it more. Feel the rhythms and beats. I knew all the lyrics by heart, so my lips moved soundlessly along. But I felt no different. Not happier. Not more energized. Not anything but empty.

Yet I left the music on as I got up, tending to some cleaning that the house needed. Might as well be useful for something. Besides, Hizashi was a clean freak and liked a clean house. Not that ours was dirty by any means right now, but I found myself straightening picture frames and finishing up a few dishes that were left in the sink.

“Yo, babe, having a party without me?!” I heard Hizashi’s voice come from the living room. I hadn’t even heard the front door close due to the music. I wiped my face just in case there were any stray tears on it. Thankfully, my eyes never got super red when I cried. My nose just turned pink, and maybe Hizashi wouldn’t notice that.

I walked from the kitchen, plastering a smile on my face, and greeting my boyfriend. “Welcome home,” I half yelled over the music.

Hizashi was swaying to the beat, bopping his head a bit as well. He had his signature smile on his face, too. Even then, I couldn’t make my smile feel real. Everything I was felt fake right now.

Hizashi walked up to me and wrapped me into a hug, kissing my temple. As I hugged him, I let my smile fall. Why keep up the facade if he couldn’t see me? Yet in those few seconds of being hugged and held, my fake smile gone, a long formed in my throat. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to be comforted by him. But I knew better, and he shouldn’t have to worry about me, too, on top of all his other responsibilities.

As he pulled away, I forced my smile back onto my lips. He was just as handsome as ever. A pit formed in my stomach. I don’t deserve him.

“I’m gonna go take a shower, babe,” Hizashi said.

I nodded a little bit. “All right, dear.”

He disappeared around the corner, allowing my facade to disappear as well. I went and turned off the music, taking out the CD, and putting it back in his case. Hopefully Hizashi wouldn’t want to go out tonight. I just wasn’t feeling it.

It was only about ten minutes before the water stopped and the hair dryer started. A small smile pulled back part of my lips. This meant Hizashi was going to let his hair down. I loved when he had his hair down.

He came out of the bathroom a while later. He was shirtless, decked out in only a pair of sweatpants and socks. His eyes trailed me up and down, a light smirk on his face. “Why you got so much clothing on? You’re smokin’ hot. Why don’t you come chill off with me?” He wiggled his eyebrows at me.

Usually his silly antics to get me to be shirtless would’ve made me laugh, but all I could was offer up a weak smile. “I’m just cold today, love.”

Hizashi’s smile faded a little bit. I knew he could tell something was wrong, but he couldn’t figure out what. I hoped he would let it go, but that was wishful thinking. Hizashi never let problems go unsolved.

He took a seat next to me on the bed, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “You feeling okay, baby?”

“I’m okay,” I lied, shrugging lightly. “I’m just tired is all.”

Hizashi’s smile faded completely, and I knew I fucked up. I never told Hizashi I was tired, ever. I was only tired if I was sick or if I was literally falling asleep, and I had just basically told him I wasn’t either of the two.

“Talk to me, sweetheart,” he whispered to me, pressing a light kiss onto my cheek.

I looked down at my lap, my eyes bouncing between my thighs. I couldn’t tell him, but my emotions began to bubble to the surface, and I felt my throat tighten. I shook my head slightly, tears welling up in my eyes. I tried to blink them away.

“You won’t like it, Zashi,” I said softly.

“I don’t like when you’re upset. I’d rather you talk to me about it.”

A tear slipped down my cheek, and I tried to hide it from him. “You’ll be upset with me. You’ll be mad. You’ll be disgusted. I-I can’t have that. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.”

I pushed myself away from him, getting up and taking my hands through my hair. Tears ran down my cheeks more freely now, and my fists weakly hit the sides of my head in an attempt to think straight.

“Baby,” he whispered.

I wasn’t listening. Everything from today was bubbling back up, demanding to be felt. Demanding to be told. Demanding to be heard. My fists began to tap my head harder, causing a dull ache to spread from the spots that were being hit.

“No, no, no, Zashi, no. No, you don’t get it. You-you don’t get it.” My fingers laced themselves in my hair, tugging on it harshly. I almost yelped in pain, but it was comforting in a way. “You-you can’t understand. I-I can’t tell you. I can’t I can’t I can’t.”

I pulled harder on my hair, then raking my hands through it. I shook my hands a little once they were out of my hair, strands of it falling from my fingers. I had a bad habit of pulling out my hair when I got overwhelmed. My fingers twirled around smaller chunks now, intentionally ripping the hair out as my vision blurred further.

I heard Hizashi get up and he grabbed my wrists, squeezing them lightly. “Hey, hey, hey, baby. Don’t do that. Give me your hands. Let me see them.”

I released my hair from my grip, my hands trembling in Hizashi’s hands. He held them close to his chest, away from my head.

“Zashi....” His gaze was full of concern and sadness. It made my heart hurt. I was doing this to him. I was hurting him. My knees felt weak, and I wanted to sink to the ground. “Zashi...”

“I’m here, baby. Right here.”

I choked on a sob. “I-I lost my job. They l-let me go. I-I can’t...can’t find another one. I-I don’t know what to do. Zashi, I relapsed. It h-hurts. It hurts it hurts it hurts.”

I felt myself falling, my knees too weak to keep me standing. Hizashi pulled me against his chest, lowering me to the ground with him. He stayed quiet as he pet hair lightly.

“How long has this been going on?” he asked quietly.

“Too long,” I whimpered, unsure of what answer to give him. Did he mean my self harm tendencies or my job? Both had been for a while now.

“You’re not alone, darling. I don’t want you to feel alone. I’m here. I’m here. I’m not mad at you. I love you. I love you so much.”

I was struggling to hear Hizashi over my whimpers and gasps of breath. I do desperately wanted to believe him, but I didn’t know how. I couldn’t. There wasn’t any way he could truly mean what he said.

“Believe me,” he whispered, and I heard his voice break a little. “I love you. And I want to help you. I’m here for you. I got you, darling. You’re going to be okay. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

He scooped me into his arms and sat me down on the bed, kneeling in front of me. He still held my hands, kissing the backs of them lightly. I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve any of that at all.

We stayed quiet for a while. He just held me, gently swaying back and forth with me in his arms. He hummed softly, running his fingers through my hair, down my back. Hizashi cradled me in his arms.

“I need you to show me,” he whispered after a little while, his eyes staring into mine. I sniffled, having calmed down a little bit when Hizashi was whispering to me.

“Sh-show you?”

“You told me you relapsed. I-I need to see. I have to make sure you’re taking care of yourself... of the cuts.”

I hesitated, shakily taking off my shirt, exposing my bandage. “Th-there’s more,” I mumbled quietly. I shuffled a little bit, sliding my sweatpants down a little to expose my boxers. I pushed them up, exposing those bandages as well. “That’s it.”

Hizashi got up, kissing my forehead. “I’m going to get something to clean them with. Okay? I’ll bandage them back up and we can cuddle after. Is that all right?”

I sniffled, biting my lower lip. I guess it would have to be, so I nodded a little. He got up and left, leaving me alone for a few seconds. I wiped at my eyes violently, angry at myself. I didn’t know how Hizashi wasn’t mad at me. Or disgusted. Or anything for that matter. He was upset. Concerned. And I didn’t understand why.

He came back, a bottle, some bandages, and paper towels in hand. “It’s going to sting a little bit, okay?” I nodded, sniffling again.

He undid the bandages gently, taking in the red, abused skin. He didn’t stay anything as he carefully began to clean the ones on my legs. I didn’t watch him do it. I couldn’t. It wasn’t because it hurt a lot, but because I didn’t want to see the way his eyes held the pain and sorrow of my actions.

I heard him gasp softly as he moved to my other thigh, the one with the word carved into it. Fresh tears welled up in my eyes. I felt his hands shake as he cleaned the wound.

“You’re not a failure,” he whispered to me. “Never.” He rebandaged my cuts, moving to my arm. He gave it the same treatment as he did to my legs.

“Do you want to cuddle?” Hizashi asked me quietly. I’d never seen him so quiet before, but maybe he knew that I needed it right now.

“Yes, please,” I whispered.

Hizashi pulled me into his arms, careful of my new bandages. He laid down with me, shifting so my legs were tangled with his, and my head laid on his chest. His hair tickled my cheek, but I didn’t mind. I closed my eyes, stifling the little hiccups from crying so much.

“Baby?”

“Hm?”

“I’m so in love with you. I love you so much. I don’t care what you’re going through; I want to go through it with you. You aren’t alone. I’ll support you until you get another job, and you don’t have to feel bad about it. I’ll be here to help you with your mental health. I’m here for you, baby boy. I’m always here for you.”

I whimpered, hiding my face in his chest. “Thank you, Zashi... I’m sorry I’m... like this.”

“No, baby, it’s okay. I’ve got you. I’ve got you. We’re going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. Just talk to me next time, okay?”

I let out a shuddery breath. “I’m going to try... I-I was doing so well. I just... broke...”

“We all have bad days. I’m here to help you on yours. Don’t worry about a thing, sugar. I’ve got you.”

I closed my eyes, my hand settling on his chest to feel his heartbeat. He meant everything that he was saying. I truly never loved another person as much as I loved Hizashi.

“Thank you. I love you.”

I had Julian in my life because he was someone that kept me stable. After everything that happened, after finding out what really happened to me, after finding out things about my past, about my family, what I had done, Julian was always there in the end. He helped heal me, and I could heal him. I needed that. It made me feel useful.

But now it was too late. I couldn’t heal him. I wasn’t a strong enough magician to bring him back from the dead. I didn’t even know if I could do that anyway. 

I wrapped my arms around myself against the cool breeze that began to blow. I had been here for a few hours now, and the sun was starting to set. Julian normally would’ve been sitting here on the docks with me with a magic spell on him to make him unrecognizable. I needed him as someone to have and to hold.

“I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all my pain, Jules,” I whispered to the sea. Even when I was truly down in the dumps and heartbroken, Julian was always there for me. When Asra rejected my feelings for him, Julian was there to pick me up after that fall. It took me ages to realize that he had feelings for me, and soon, I began to return them.

The sun set further in the sky, nightfall surely on the edge of peeking its head out. “You’re not here Jules... not here to help me through this one, are ya?” I gave an empty laugh. “Funny... you promised that you’d always be there for me, and now that I need you, you aren’t here.”

I wanted to jump off the dock and into the water and just allow myself to drown. I’m drowning in my feelings anyway, and I have no one to turn to. I could turn to Asra, as he was a close friend of mine and the only friend I had had for a long time, but it didn’t feel like he could do anything to help me out right now.

My boots barely skimmed the surface of the water. Julian’s used to go about an inch in the water. He was always so much taller than I. The memory pulled new tears from my eyes, and I watched them drip into the ocean below me. 

I heard footsteps on the dock behind me, but I didn’t bother to turn around. A familiar scent filled my nose as Asra sat down beside me. 

“I thought I would find you here.”

I didn’t say anything. What was I supposed to tell him that he didn’t already know? He eventually found out my feelings for Julian after I moved on from Asra, but I was never confronted about it. Yet I think it went without saying that he knew I never confessed my love for Julian. Though Julian never outright told me he loved me either, I could sense it.

“What am I going to do, Asra?” I whispered quietly. “I don’t have any way to bring him back. I-I never told him. I never told him how I felt. I never told him what he means to me. And it’s all too late. It’s too late to tell him.”

Fresh tears dripped down my cheeks as I turned to Asra. His eyes were soft and understanding. Faust slithered from his scarf and into my lap. She looked up at me, her eyes mirroring Asra’s. 

“What do I do?”

Asra offered me a hand, which I greatly took. “Just come with me.”

“Where are we going?” I asked as I stood with him.

“Back to the Palace.”

“Asra, you know I don’t want to be around anyone right now... I just want to grieve by myself... can’t you understand that?”

Asra offered me a sad, soft smile. “Just trust me one more time, okay, Y/N? Can you do that for me?”

I nodded and followed silently as we made our way back to the Palace.

I didn’t try and make small talk and neither did Asra. Faust stayed wrapped around my shoulders for comfort. It was nice to have them with me, but I didn’t really want to be with them. Sure, I loved them, but I wanted to be alone. And I thought at the docks I could be. But apparently not so much.

My mind reeled all over again as the realization that I’d never see Julian again hit me. I’d never see his signature smile and smirk again. I’d never see him wink at me again. I’d never see the glowing mark on his neck again.

Asra seemed to sense my thoughts and gave my hand a squeeze. I really did trust Asra, but whatever he’s taking me to see better be worth it. I didn’t want to go to the Palace at all. I just wanted to crawl into bed and never wake up.

My Julian was gone. My Julian wasn’t going to be around anymore. My Julian... wasn’t even really mine. The thought weighed heavy in my heart.

Never again will I hesitate in anything because I’ll never know when the end is truly near. I waited too long with Julian, and I regret that. I’ll have to live with that every day of my life now.

Asra only continued to give my hands occasional squeezes and stayed silent. He was always mysterious like that. Sometimes it irked me, but that was Asra, and Asra was going to continue to do what Asra does.

The Palace came into view and I grimaced slightly. I didn’t want to go in there. Painful memories of Julian and I sneaking around filtered into my head, causing new tears to blur my vision. Hastily, I wiped them away. I wouldn’t let Asra see me cry again. I hated crying in front him in the first place.

The guards let us in without another word. We passed basically no one in the halls. The Palace seemed to be empty, not that I was complaining.

Asra took me to Julian’s bedroom door, making me suck in a breath. What in the world did he want me here for? What was I supposed to do? Was this another magic thing to help me solve the case?

“Asra, I don’t want to go in there,” I said softly. “I-I can’t handle that right now...”

“You can,” Asra replied in a hushed tone, matching my own. “Just trust me. I’ll stay out here if you wish. I’ll make sure nothing bad will happen. You have my word.”

I hesitated before giving a small nod. Asra had always had my back whenever I needed it, and right now I needed that. I opened the door and stepped in, closing it gently behind me.

Julian laid peacefully on the bed, looking like he was just sleeping. I turned away. Asra brought me back here for what? To see Julian’s body? For final goodbyes? Bullshit. I already said my goodbyes in person to him. I was allowed a brief visit to him before the execution, which I didn’t stay to watch.

Tears overwhelmed me, and I choked on my breath. “Asra, you idiot,” I muttered under my breath. “I don’t need this.”

I heard the bed creak behind me, and I turned around, curiosity getting the better of me. That was when Julian gasped, his eye flashing open, and he sat up.

I was startled and shocked, to say the least. My mouth opened and closed, trying to form words, but none would make it past my lips.

“Do you know how hard it is to hold your breath like that? Not moving?” He pulled his gloves back on, wiggling his fingers. “Hard, my dear, quite difficult.”

Was this an illusion? A dream? Some sort of magic Asra never taught me? I walked over to Julian slowly. He smiled up at me, his signature smile. Nothing could imitate that. This had to be Julian. But how was he here? I didn’t understand.

I promptly slapped him on the shoulder, folding my arms across my chest.

“Ouch! Hey, that smarts. What gives?”

“What gives? You just pretended to be dead right in front of me! I mourned first you. Was this planned all along? And you didn’t even have the gall to tell me about it?” I was mad, but I found it harder to stay mad the longer the situation burned. Julian was alive again.

“I-I’m sorry, Y/N,” he said, and he sounded sincere about it. “I thought it better if you didn’t know. I didn’t want you to get your hopes up in case it didn’t work.”

“That wasn’t your choice to make, Jules,” I answered softly. “You can’t always protect me... I’m a big boy; I can handle myself.” I trailed a finger down his cheek, allowing him to lean into my touch.

“I was scared,” he mumbled. “I didn’t want you to worry about me.”

I nearly scoffed. “Oh, yeah, the man I’m in love with was going to be hanged, and I’m supposed to not worry about you. Bullshit, Julian. Bull. Shit.” My hand fell from his face, and I sighed.

“You love me...”

I looked down at him before quickly avoiding his gaze. “We’re not on that. I’m-I’m still mad at you for not telling me.”

Julian stood up and laid a finger under my chin, tilting my head to look at him. “But I’m on it now. And you told me you loved me. How interesting.”

I rolled my eyes and pushed him back. This caused him to fall back onto the bed with a heavy thud. I laughed at that. Julian grabbed my hand and pulled me down on top of him, making me laugh even more.

“Stop it! I’m mad at you,” I said, playfully hitting him on the chest.

Julian’s arms rested loosely around my waist. “You can’t stay mad at me.”

Unfortunately, he was right. I never could stay mad at him long, and especially not now. Not after he was alive again. Not after his hanging. Not after all of this. I couldn’t stay mad.

Yet tears welled up in my eyes anyway. Julian’s expression turned to one of worry. As tears rolled down my cheeks, I hid my face in his neck.

“I thought you were gone forever, Jules,” I whispered. “I thought I’d never see you again. I thought my goodbyes that I said would be the last time I’d ever see you. I couldn’t stand for the hanging. I couldn’t see you being hanged. I couldn’t bear to let myself live through that.”

Julian held me tight against him, leaning his head toward mine to give me some sort of comfort. “Oh, doll face, I’m sorry. I-I didn’t realize how...” He trailed off, shaking his head lightly.

I pushed myself up a bit and wiped my eyes before looking at him. “But you’re here. You’re here now.” I pressed a light kiss onto his cheek. “Please don’t leave me again...”

“Death cannot even keep me from you, my dear. I don’t intend to leave you again. Death itself cannot do us part,” he told me.

“In other lives, I’ll come find you,” I promised him softly.

I settled back down on his chest, but kept looking at him. Julian trained his gaze on the ceiling, mindlessly playing with my hair. It took him a couple moments to realize that I was staring at him.

“Yes?”

“Nothing. I just... can’t believe you’re back.”

He offered me his signature smile. “Did you really think I’d let you go thay easily?”

I found myself chuckling softly at his words, resting my head back agaisnt his chest. “No, I suppose that isn’t the Julian Devorak style, now is it?”

“Of course not! I have a flare for the dramatic.”

“Well literally dying is very dramatic, Julian. Scary, but definitely on your route of how you do things.”

Julian laughed, causing me to giggle as well. “Touché, doll, touché.”

“Just promise me you won’t do anything stupid like that again.”

“I promise to not die again until I’m good and ready,” he replied.

I sighed. Of course he couldn’t promise not to do stupid things. This was Julian I was talking about. “Thank you. I’ll take it.”

Julian presses a kiss onto the top of my head. “Good. Now as much as I’d love to jus sit here and hold you, we do have an investigation to run.”

I pushed myself back up and off of the doctor. “Of course. Asra is outside the door.” I turned to leave but Julian grabbed my wrist and spun me back to face him.

“I’ve been meaning to do this,” he said, leaving down and pressing a kiss on my lips.

I kissed him back, smiling into the kiss. Once we pulled back, we just stared at each other for a few moments like neither one of us could believe we had just kissed.

“Julian... I want you. I want you to be mine. Will you have me?” I asked quietly, but I needed to know. I wanted Julian to be my boyfriend.

I was way in the back of the store, sitting on a chair with my boot-clad feet kicked up onto a table, and reading a book when Aziraphale walked up to me. 

"Oh dear, I really wish you wouldn't put your feet on the table."

I smirked a little, taking them down to please him. "There wasn't a book there, and you know I always make sure my boots aren't dirty." I closed my book and set it on the table. "What did you need?"

Aziraphale's cheeks turned pink. "Well-well, I'm-"

I rolled my eyes with a soft laugh. "Spit it out, angel. It's just me."

"I need you to-to teach me how to kiss."

I leaned back in my chair with an eyebrow raised, chuckling again. "And you can't kiss?"

"I-I'm not very good at it," he explained, averting his eyes. "It's not really my forte. I was hoping you could teach me..."

"Cuz I'm a demon, and I should know that stuff?" I asked, locking my fingers together behind my head.

Aziraphale’s blush only got darker. "N-no! No, that's now what I was implying whatsoever! I merel-"

"Yes it was," I said, standing up with a laugh. "But sure. I'll teach ya. I'm assuming you have someone lucky that you're trying to impress?"

Aziraphale nodded silently. 

I guessed that it was Crowley. They knew each other longer than I had known Aziraphale. They would always talk to each other with their eyes, but I couldn't ever understand it properly. I just assumed that it was them making lovey-dovey eyes at one another. Though I had fallen in love with the angel, I saw how happy he was with Crowley, and I wanted Aziraphale to be happy. If it wasn't with me, but he was happy, then that was okay. 

I took the angel's hand and lead him back to the little office he had. "So you want to make sure you're not too subtle about it, but you can't be too over-the-top, either. If you're too subtle, you'll probably not get anywhere. If you're too pushy, they might get scared." But if it's Crowley, he wouldn't. Or me... I just kept my thoughts to myself because I couldn’t exactly express my love for the angel, and I hated assuming. 

We all know what happens when someone assumes. 

"Ever hear of the ninety-ten rule?" I asked, turning to close the door.

"No."

"'Course not." I leaned up against it and looked over to Aziraphale. "When you kiss, you don't go all the way. Someone goes ninety percent of the way, the other goes ten. Usually the top one goes ninety. Sometimes the bottom will if they feel brave." I looked the angel up and down silently. Definitely a bottom. "You aren't anywhere near that yet, though," I continued.

I walked over to Aziraphale, chuckling softly as I noticed how tense he was. I laid my hands on his shoulders and pushed them down. "Chill out. Being too tense also ruins a kiss. Makes your lips all firm, and then it's like kissing a brick wall. No one likes that. But if you're too loose, your lips get too wet, and then it's gross and like kissin’ a fish."

"Oh my," he mumbled quietly. 

I found myself laughing again. "It's really not as difficult as it sounds." I took a step back. "Okay, pretend I'm whoever you wanna kiss. Okay? Just for the sake of my own personal sanity — I can only take so much at one time — we'll pretend that you've already wooed me, and I wanna kiss you." I paused, waved my hands, and shook my head. "No, no wait. Scratch. Pretend I'm you."

"But I'm me," Aziraphale said, clearly puzzled.

"Yes, but you're going to initiate the kiss, yes?"

"I-I would like to."

"Then I'm gonna show you how. So pretend I'm you for a moment. This is what you would do."

I took the step back closer to him, leaving a small distance between us. I glanced down at his lips — his lips were so perfect. My eyes trailed back up to his. I found myself getting lost in them. I reached for his hand, lacing my fingers through his and using my other hand to gently cup the side of his face. 

Aziraphale's cheeks were tinted red, and I found his blush to be utterly adorable. My eyes felt back down to his lips, and I brushed my thumb across them. I completely forgot that I was supposed to just be teaching him as I leaned in to kiss him. My ninety-ten rule also went completely out the window as I leaned in the whole way to kiss him.

His lips were softer than I could ever imagine. Aziraphale reacted slowly; first not moving whatsoever before melting softly into the kiss. He most definitely was not a good kisser, but it was perfect in my heart. My eyes slipped close as I held him there, parting my lips slightly to get him to do the same. He did after another few moments, making the kiss all the more sweeter. 

When I pulled away, I felt myself blushing as well. I cleared my throat, let his hand go, and stepped back, leaning up against the door again. "That's basically how you do it. You're not a terrible kisser, but you definitely need work. When did you want to kiss this person?"

Aziraphale seemed to slowly shake himself from a trance-like state before turning his head towards me. His cheeks were a darker red now. "M-may I try?" he asked, completely ignoring my own question.

I shrugged. "If you'd like." I couldn’t deny that him asking to try was a bit... hot.

I walked a little closer to him again. I gave him a reassuring smile to let him know that I believed in him. He paused as he got closer to me, clearly hesitant. He took my hand the way I took his. I didn't want to tell him that that wasn't necessary — that was just a little thing I personally did — but I stayed silent. 

Aziraphale met my eyes, and I couldn't help but fall in love with him all over again. Damn whoever is lucky enough to have caught this angel's eye. His eyes not only fell to my lips, but proceeded to scan all over my face. It was like he was picking up on every little detail of my face and falling in love with it. The little smile on his own made it all the more adorable. Literally fuck whoever would get this.

Aziraphale then leaned in a little bit, hesitating for a split second before going the rest of the way. I met him at ten, securing our lips together once again. Aziraphale was the one to part his lips that little bit first, and I followed his lead. Love overflowed in my chest as jealousy burned my heart. 

Once we separated again, I found myself smiling widely. "There you go. Good enough for at least a start. I can help you practice more, if you would like, until you get up the courage to kiss whomever it is you'd like to kiss, but you're not as bad as you thought."

"I have a good teacher," he said quietly, clearing his throat and straightening out his bowtie. 

"I wish you luck on initiating your first kiss," I said, sinking down into one of the chairs. 

"Was it okay?"

"Okay? It was great!" Damnit. I sound too enthusiastic. "Well, great enough for being a mediocre kisser. It'll get better with practice, but it was good enough for a first time, yes."

"Would-would it get them to kiss me again?" He was nervous. Damnit, he's so fucking cute. 

"I mean, yeah. Wasn't bad. Wasn't too wet or stiff. Besides, you're a quick learner," I replied, leaning back into the chair and stretching my arms above my head and lacing my fingers together behind it. 

"So you'd kiss me again?"

"Oh, absolutely." Wait, what?! Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. "Y-you know. For practice." Of all the times I needed to keep my composure, now it was failing? Really? 

"How is it I got the courage up to kiss you, but you don't have the courage to admit your feelings?"

I nearly choked on my own saliva at his question. I'm sorry, what? I looked up at the angel to see if I was just hearing things. His face was bright red, but he was firmly standing his ground.

"You-you wanted to kiss me?!" Aziraphale nodded in response to my words. "You... oh, you bastard. Got that from Crowley, didn't you?" He nodded again.

I stood up and walked closer to him, tilting my head as I met his eyes once more. They were scared, but sincere. So he wasn't acting; he was really in love with me. 

"Yes, I really am in love with you," he said, repeating my thoughts.

Shit, I said that aloud?

"And I'm in love with you. Damn, I've waited ages to say that. You know that, angel? Ages!"

Aziraphale smiled. "I suppose Crowley was sick of us dancing around our feelings for one another and suggested that I ask you for some sort of lesson that demons would excel at."

"And he suggested kissing because he was so sick and tired of waiting," I finished, shaking my head. "The bastard. Oh, Satan below, I hate him. But if that's what it took for me to kiss you, then damnit, I'll worship the ground he walks upon."

I pulled the angel in for another kiss, grabbing him by the lapels of his coat. He was a bit shocked by the roughness of this new kiss, but he didn't seem to mind it so much. I closed my eyes as his hands fell gingerly onto my hips. 

His innocence made me want to fuck him more. I pulled away from the kiss after the thought crossed my mind. Holy fuck, I didn't just think that. I looked over the angel in front of me that was still held firm by my hands on his coat. His flushed face and wide eyes made him look so damn... fuckable. 

I released his coat from my grip and took a few steps backwards. I couldn't do that to him. Even after centuries of wanting him, there was no way I could ruin his purity like that. No way he'd ever let me do that. I averted my eyes, clearing my throat, and rubbing the back of my neck. 

"What does that make us?" I asked, trying to move my mind away from how much I wanted to bite his perfect plump lips. 

"It makes me wonder why you stopped." 

Aziraphale's voice was quiet, but firm. It showed me that he clearly was enjoying what I was doing to him, but he'd never really asked for it before. He was an angel, for crying out loud. There was no need for him to ask for sexual favors. Hell, an hour ago, I'm sure he's never even kissed anyone before. 

"Why I stopped? Oh, my dear angel, I can't tell you that." 

"Why-why not?" Aziraphale asked, confused. 

I closed my eyes and sunk down into the chair again. "Because the things that are playing out in my mind are beyond the reaches of hands as pure as yours."

I folded my hands in my lap, leaning my head back as I tried to think of anything else. Literally anything else. It proved to be more difficult than I thought because I could still taste his lips on mine and feel the heat of his body. Oh, fuck me.

"What if I didn't care?" I opened my eyes at the sound of Aziraphale's voice. "You know, I-I don't think that I would mind it. It seems quite nice." Aziraphale picked up on the slight flinch I made at the word because a look passed over his eyes before he began speaking once again. "I mean, you are quite a nice-"

He didn't get the chance to finish. There was one thing all demons had in common, and it was the burning hatred of being called 'nice.' I backed him up against the locked door, grabbing his lapels again. Our noses were touching one another's.

"I'm a demon; I'm not nice. 'Nice' is a four letter word that I will not tolerate to be used to describe me. You clearly know what boundaries you're pushing, and my sweet little angel, I can promise you that you would not like what comes out of it."

Aziraphale's eyes flickered to my lips before meeting my eyes again. "Won't I?"

"You sassy bastard," I muttered before roughly kissing him. "You think all of a sudden that you can just do this? Oh, my god, are you mistaken. You can't imagine the things I want of you."

"Can't I?" His voice trembled, and I growled softly.

"No, you can't. You can't imagine the things I want to do to you. You can't imagine how I want to steal your innocence, mark you up, bring you to the edge. How I want to hear my name fall from your lips, your broken moans, desperate pants. How I want to touch you and feel your skin everywhere and anywhere. How I want you to fall apart between my fingers and lips. No, my dear angel, you can't. You cannot imagine the ways I want you or the things I can do."

Aziraphale whimpered — actually whimpered — and I growled, pressing my whole body up against his. The unholy things I wanted to do to him.

"Th-that's a sin," he mumbled softly. His hands came up and cupped my face. "But quite a lovely one at that..."

“You can’t go back after it’s finished,” I whispered softly.

“I don’t want to,” he replied.

I pulled him into another kiss. Slowly, our clothing came off piece by piece until Azira and I were in nothing but our boxers.

The door was locked. The air was heavy. I wanted him. Damnit, I needed him. I craved the angel in ways that an angel should never want to be craved. But he did. He wanted it. And I wanted to give it.

I sat Azira down on the couch, sliding his boxers down in the process. He looked down at me as I settled myself between his legs. He wet his lips with his tongue, leaving his lips slightly parted in anticipation.

“I’ll be gentle,” I promised him. I wanted to please him, not hurt him. I gently took the angel in my hand, jacking him off slowly to start.

A soft whimper left the angel’s lips, and I knew how sensitive he was. There was no way he was going to make it to complete sex. There would be no way he could handle that. Not now anyway. And I wouldn’t want to take him here anyway. It’s too cramped.

I wet my own lips before sinking them around the angel, taking him into my mouth. Aziraphale let out a low moan; his hands quickly tangled themselves in my hair. I smirked slightly, hollowing out my cheeks as I sucked on him.

His hands tugged lightly on my hair, like he was trying to hold back so he didn’t hurt me. I didn’t mind. Either way, I wouldn’t have minded. I just wanted to make him feel good.

I bobbed my head slowly, pulling off completely and jacking him off again. I snuck a glance, biting my lip as I watched him. His head was tilted back, his eyes were shut, and his lips remained parted. He was breathing rather heavily through them.

I went back to sucking him off, swirling my tongue around the tip, which earned me another moan. Another moan that went straight to my own groin.

I closed my eyes, continuing to bob my head. His moans continued to come. I opened my eyes to notice his knees trembling beside my head. His grip tugged on my hair.

I glanced up at him again, taking notice to his facial feature and the way he was reacting to me. I swirled my tongue around his tip again, teasing him slowly as I pulled back.

Aziraphale whimpered, bucking his hips lightly toward my lips. I knew that he was close. Just by the way he was gripping onto me and holding me and shaking, he was close. He was too sensitive not to be.

I got up, leaning forward and kissing him. His hands stayed tangled up in my hair, and it was like he couldn’t get me close enough.

My hand went back to his dick, and I continued to jack him off again, slowly at first and then getting a little faster. He was moaning in my mouth; his hands pulled on my hair. I could feel the way he was shaking beneath me. I pulled back and smirked as I looked down at the quivering angel.

He looked so perfect. So damn perfect. I was lucky enough to see him like this. It riled me up so badly in all the right ways. I desired him in so many unholy ways. So many ways that I couldn’t have him right now.

Aziraphale’s moan jerked me from my thoughts. I noticed his body quiver and shake, the way his eyes seemed to roll back, how hard his hands tugged on my hair, and I felt the warm liquid between my fingers.

I knew I couldn’t push him too hard or too far because as far as I knew, this was also his first time having any sexual encounter. I got a couple of tissues from his desk and cleaned the two of us up. I sat down beside him on the couch. The angel looked over at me. It was clear on his face: the satisfaction and tiredness.

“What about you?”

I frowned. “What about me?”

Azira pointed to the tent in my boxers, and suddenly, I felt embarrassed. “What about you?”

“I’ll be fine, angel. Don’t worry about me.”

“What—what if I want to help you?”

I raised an eyebrow and shifted slightly I look over to the angel sitting beside me. “You? Do you even know what you’re doing if I let you?”

He hesitated a little before shaking his head. “But I’d still like to try, if-if that is, you’ll let me.”

I didn’t really want to deny him. I wanted to see him try, but I was anxious about letting him do so. I’d heard enough sexual horror stories of my time, and I didn’t want to add Azira’s name to one of those stories.

“Follow my instructions.”

Aziraphale nodded, biting his lip. I found myself smiling.

“Azira, don’t be so nervous. It’ll be okay. Don’t squeeze too hard, relax, loosen up, you’ll be okay.” 

He gave a small nod. I shifted and slid my pants and boxers down to my knees to allow him access. I shivered once I felt his hand on me. Carefully, after feeling is hesitance, I placed my hand over his and began to move it, showing him how do it. A soft groan left my lips at the feeling. He picked up speed before I even showed him how to, so I released his hand and allowed him to do whatever he wanted.

He slid his thumb over my slit, paying careful attention to the head. My eyes fluttered shut, soft moans leaving my lips. “J-just like that, Azira. Fuck, just like that. You’re doing so well.”

I opened my eyes to look at him and noticed the tips of his ears were red. A slight smile spread across my lips. Of course he would have a praise kink. Yet it seemed fitting. It never seemed like he ever got praised before, so I didn’t really think he wouldn’t have a praise kink. I just wish I knew it a little sooner.

He slowed his hands, teasing me now. I noticed the look in his eyes. That look told me he had an idea of what he was doing, and he knew that he was being a tease. I bucked my hips into his hand, biting my lower lip. 

“Don’t be a tease now, angel,” I said in a low voice. 

Aziraphale didn’t listen and continued to tease me. However, I enjoyed it. I liked feeling the way his fingers and hand felt over me. The way his paced slowed and picked up the slightest. I groaned, bucking my hips again.

“Fuck, please, Azira. You want me to beg? Please.” My eyes slipped close again, another moan leaving my lips. “Oh, please. Touch me, go faster, please, I need it.”

Thankfully, Aziraphale picked up his speed and jacked me off, filling my body with pleasure. He was a natural at this, which I found humorous. I would’ve laughed if he wasn’t making me feel so good.

After a little bit longer, I felt that familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach. I gripped Aziraphale’s wrist to stop him for a moment. 

“I-I, fuck, you don’t want me to cum...” I felt a bit embarrassed, but I didn’t want to make a mess of the angel’s hands.

“I do,” he replied quietly, but surely. I bit my lip and gently released his hand from my grasp. 

He proceeded to speed back up again, quickly bringing me to the edge of my orgasm. I closed my eyes, my breathing ragged and short. He made me feel good, so damn good. I could hardly believe how good he could make me feel for a presumed beginner.

With a moan and a soft curse, I released, gripping the sides of the couch. After I took a second to recover, I got some more tissues and clean us up all over again. Aziraphale’s cheeks were red with embarrassment, and I found it rather cute.

“What’s wrong, angel? Pleasurable day?”

Aziraphale’s cheeks darkened, and he shot me a look that told me I was pushing my luck. I laughed, fixing my pants and sitting next to him.

“How about you and I go back to my house for some hot chocolate and a good book, hm?” I spread my arms along the back of the couch, raising an eyebrow as I looked at the angel. “You can lay your head in my lap, and I’ll read to you. Could I tempt you to that?”

A smile spread over his face as he nodded. “That sounds rather lovely, Y/N. I would quite like that.”

We then headed out of the bookshop, hand in hand, walking back to the little cottage that I called home. There was a smile on my face as I walked with the angel. Finally... after all this time... I finally had what I wanted. My Aziraphale. My angel.

I leaned over and pressed a kiss onto his cheek. 

“What was that for, my dear?” he asked. 

“Oh, I can’t help it. I just love you.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” I replied softly. He skirted around it, giving me reasons, but he never actually said blatantly if he wanted me to stay or not.

“I do want you to stay,” he admitted, “but it’s not safe for you. I can’t let you get caught up in this mess with me. If they find me, I’m destined to be executed. I won’t have that happen for you.”

Tears welled up in my eyes. Julian and I had been basically skirting around being together as boyfriends for the longest of times. About a year now, to be exact. My heart broke at the thought of having to leave Julian behind. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the strength to.

“Oh, my dear, don’t cry.” Julian raised a leather-clad hand to my cheek and brushed away the falling tears. “I’m not worth your tears.”

“I’m afraid I believe you are,” I replied softly, trying to smile for him.

Julian gave me a small, sad smile, but said nothing in return.

I closed my eyes and leaned into his hand, craving his touch. Lord knew it may be the last time I would get it. I tried to keep myself together, well, together enough so I didn’t turn into a blubbering mess right in front of him.

“Do you have to go...?” I asked quietly, opening my eyes to meet the plague doctor’s. “Do you have to leave me behind?”

“Until this is all over... I can’t have you with me,” he explained, dropping his hand from my face.

“Julian, you told me the outcome would be you being executed....” I prayed and hoped there was another outcome that he had in mind. I couldn’t let that be the one that was the real outcome. The real end. I wouldn’t let my Julian Devorak die.

But Julian didn’t say anything. He just looked at me, longing in his eyes. My heart twisted in upon itself. That’s what he really thought the ending would be....

“Then... just for tonight... will you stay with me?”

“Just for tonight,” Julian promised.

I took his hand in mine and as he walked away from the docks, darkness consuming us as we slipped around in the shadows, I allowed myself to cry freely but silently.

There was nothing more that I wanted than to fall into Julian’s arms and hold him forever. To feel his lips against mine. To feel the way his hair would tickle my neck when I laid my head on his shoulder. To feel him. But I couldn’t have any of that.

All I had left was tonight and it was already dark out. It must be no later than eleven, but no earlier than ten.

We made it to the shop, which I was surprised to find empty. Maybe Asra was out for the night. It wasn’t odd for Asra to be gone but it was odd for him not to be here at night without him telling me.

Anyway, I ushered the doctor inside and he followed me to my room. I sat down on the bed, closing my eyes for a second. This was all I had. Julian settled his hands on my shoulders, causing me to open my eyes.

“Was there something I could’ve said to make it all feel better? Anything I could’ve done to make your heart beat happier?”

Julian took a seat next to me, our shoulders just barely brushing together. “No, Y/N, there was nothing.”

I had already knew the answer but hearing it aloud hurt my heart all over again. I wished there was something I could’ve said or done to make it all better. All okay. All right again.

“Before you go,” I whispered, not trusting my voice to be any louder, “will you...”

What did I want? I wanted him, but I couldn’t pick out one thing. Frustrated, I gripped at my hair. This wasn’t fair. At all. Julian told me he didn’t remember what happened. He could’ve not killed the Count. Hell, no one knows what happened. And yet here he was, ready to die for answers.

“It’s not fucking fair, Julian! It’s not fair. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. I-I...” I took a breath. “I love you.”

I’d never said the words aloud, but I had a feeling he already knew. After everything we’ve been through, well, what I could remember anyway, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind. I loved this man.

Julian turned to face me, tilting my head to look at him. “I love you, too. That’s why I’m doing this...”

“But it hurts, Jules... it hurts so much. I can’t...” My voice broke, and new tears threatened to spill down my cheeks.

Julian leaned forward and place a soft kiss onto my forehead. “It’s going to be okay,” he said, but it sounded like he didn’t believe it himself. “If I die, I die. If I don’t, I’ll come find you.” It didn’t sound like he was afraid to die, either.

I grabbed his hands, looking up at him. “If tonight is all we have left... then I want this. I-I want you.”

I stood up, standing in front of him. I hesitated before cupping his cheeks in my hands and pressing my lips onto his. His hands fell against my waist.

I closed my eyes, deepening the kiss. My one hand found its way to his hair, giving it a light tug. A soft groan emitted from the back of his throat. The small noise encourages me to go further.

Without breaking the kiss, I gently and carefully straddled the doctor. His grip tightened on my waist, and his tongue explored my mouth.

I pulled back just a moment to look down at him. I took in all his features. The curve of his nose, the colour of his eye, the arch of his brows, the shape of his lips, all of it. I wanted all of it engrained in my mind, though I already knew it would be. There was no way I’d forget anything about Julian.

Julian slid his hands down a little bit to squeeze my ass, making me gasp a little. He gave me a wink, and I couldn’t help but give off a soft chuckle.

“You’re an absolute moron.”

“Oh, but you love it.” He shifted me and himself, laying back on the bed. I leaned over him, looking down at the way his hair was splayed across the pillow and how his skin was basically glowing.

I kissed him again, biting his lower lip. I could feel him harden against me. I say back up, peeling off my shirt and dropping it to the floor beside the bed. My hands pushed open his white shirt. I wanted to see him. All of him.

Julian flipped us over, giving me another wink. “If you wanted to see, you could’ve just asked.” He went and took off his shirt as well, leaving our lower halves still covered. He leaned back down and kissed me, cupping the back of my head in one of his hands.

~~~~~

Once we finished, we laid quietly in bed, only a thin sheet covering our naked waists. My head laid against Julian’s chest, a soft smile on my face.

“Are you all right?” Julian asked me quietly.

“Yeah... yeah I’m okay. A little sore, but overall okay. Are you?”

“About the same,” he replied honestly. I chuckled at that, knowing Julian probably hadn’t ever bottomed before. This earned me a light slap to the side. “Oh hush. Don’t act all high and mighty.”

“Oh, I would never.”

“My bad, of course not. Never you, Y/N, never you.”

I snickered at his words. “I never bottomed before either, Julian. You...” I paused, feeling almost embarrassed to admit this to him. “You’re actually my first...”

I could practically feel Julian’s smile. “You were mine, too,” he said softly.

I wanted to believe that, but I knew Julian had slept with others before. Had he really never had sex before? I took his word for it; he’s never lied to me before.

It caused a small smile to appear of my lips. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of his heart beat steadily.

“I love you, Julian. I love you so much. I...” I paused a moment, letting the words die in my mouth. I wish we could have a future together. I didn’t want our last moments to be sad. However, it seemed like Julian knew what I was going to say anyway.

“In another life, doll, maybe we’ll get one.”

I hoped he was right. I laced my fingers in with his and tilted my head to look up at his face.

His face was lit dimly with the light of the moon. It made his eye twinkle and his skin pale. Yet he was gorgeous. Perfect to me. And I was smitten, deeply in love with this man.

“Stay the night?” I whispered, afraid if I asked too loud, he would disappear then and there.

“I’ll stay the night,” he replied softly, stroking my cheek with his thumb.

I smiled softly, pressing a kiss to his chest. My eyes slipped close, sleepiness finally taking over them. I let out a heavy breath, clutchin Julian tight agaisnt my own body. “I love you.”

The last thing I felt was Julian’s lips on my head and him whispering, “I love you.”

When I awoke the next morning, the bed was empty. All that remained was a depression in the bed where Julian once laid. My throat tightened. Then I noticed Julian’s cloak on the chair across from my bed and a small note. I got out of bed and went over to it, picking it up.

The note read: “My dear Y/N. If I never return, have a piece of me. I’ll never forget you. I love you. ~ J.”

I carried his cloak back to bed, sitting with my legs dangling over the side. I hugged the material to my chest and cried. I wept for what I had lost and what I would never have.

It was late and time for all of us to go home. The I could take these stupid ACE bandages off. I felt like my lungs were collapsing; it hurt to breathe. I knew that it wasn’t safe, especially for a job like mine where we have to be on the move a decent amount, but I hadn’t gotten around to buying a binder yet.

I was stopped by Spencer just before I got into my car, though. Part of me didn’t mind because I had a crush on the genius, but another part of me did mind because I was tired, and I just wanted to go home.

“What’s up, Spence?” I asked.

He hesitated a moment, shifting his weight uncomfortably from foot to foot. “I’m worried about you,” he said softly at first. He then cleared his throat. “You’ve been acting different lately, and I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m okay,” I said with a soft smile. Was I? 

“Y/N, I can tell when you’re lying to me. You have a tell, just like everyone else. Please...”

I felt bad lying to him, But I couldn’t tell him. My throat tightened like I was going to cry. “I need you to drop it, Spence,” I said softly

“Why? Why won’t you talk to me?”

“Because I can’t, Spencer!” 

He shook his head, dropping his arms by his side. “This is exactly what I get when I trust someone; it gets thrown back in my face.”

“Spencer, that’s not what this fucking is!” I yelled at him, tears now streaming down my cheeks.

Spencer’s demeanor changed completely as he noticed my tears.

“It has nothing to do with you, Spencer,” I said, wiping at my face aggressively. I hated that I was crying so easily. But I knew it was because of my stress and how close I was to snapping. 

Truth was was that I was scared. I was scared that I would be the next victim. That I wouldn’t be safe in my own home. All because I was trans and some guy out there thought that that was a crime and needed to kill me for it.

“Y/N....”

I shook my head, holding up a hand. “Save it. I’m sorry for yelling at you. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go home now.” With that, I got into my car and left.

The next day, I was really anxious to see Spencer. I had already apologized for yelling at him, but that didn’t change the fact that I had yelled at him.

I went to the bathroom and grabbed my ACE bandage, looking at it sadly. I hated that stupid thing. I could feel it practically squishing my ribs and lungs. I hated it so much. I couldn’t just not wear it though. I didn’t need the team seeing my chest.

I began wrapping it around and secured it in place once I was finished. I took a breath and sighed. At least it wasn’t too bad in the beginning of the day.

I made my way to my car and began to drive to work. The anxiety of seeing Spencer returned. I felt bad. Maybe I should apologize again. I pulled into my parking spot and shook my head. No, if he still had beef with me, he would say so, right?

I walked to my desk and set my things down, going to grab a coffee. As I made it, I was already making a face because I knew how bad;y it would taste.

“You know, I have to make my coffee deliberately bad so I can drink it now,” I said to Morgan, who has just walked in. 

He laughed. “I know what you mean. However, I still like a good cup of joe.”

I chuckled softly and went back to my desk, looking over the case file. We had a pretty good idea who the unsub was. We had just been waiting on Garcia to get the right information about him. 

The team quickly left, leaving Spencer and me behind, as they went to catch the unsub.

My gaze turned toward the genius again. His hair looked soft as it framed his face. His beautiful eyes intently read whatever book he was reading. His perfect hands turned the pages every couple of seconds. 

Best not to disturb him.

I looked over the last bits of information as I was clearing off the board to make a little bit more room when I realized something. The gate. How had we missed that? The gates were his signature, doors to whatever he thought. I couldn’t figure out that part. But it made me realize that now, the team was going after the wrong guy.

I quickly grabbed my coat and ran out to my car. I had to catch this guy before he caught someone else. I swallowed hard as I threw my car into gear. Who else would be better bait for this guy than a trans man like myself?

I made my wait to the gate that was in the last picture and entered the abandoned house. This was where the last victim was found, but we had figured that he liked to revisit the crime scenes. I was just banking on the fact that he hadn’t revisited this one since it had been blocked off for a couple of days.

I drew my gun and tip-toed quietly through the halls. A squeaky floorboard gave away my position, and I froze. Had he heard? Was he even here? I shook my head and continued down the hallway.

I heard a noise from behind me. I turned, but I wasn’t able to see what or who it was before something hit me in the face and knocked me out.

I woke up, dazed and confused. I tried to move but realized that my arms were tied behind me and I was stuck to a pole. I jerked to try and free myself, but it was useless.

The unsub walked over to me, twirling a knife around his fingers. “Y/N L/N, I am familiar with you. The only trans member in the BAU, isn’t that right?” 

I sneered at him, still trying to free myself. “So the fuck what? How do you even know who I am?”

“Oh, I know a lot more than you may think,” he said, walking up to me and lifting my chin with the knife. “But that’s all surprise for later on.” 

He slashed at the sleeve of my coat with his knife. “First, we play a game. It’s called Tell Me The Truth Or I’ll Take One Article Of Clothing At A Time.”

“Long title of a stupid ass game,” I muttered to myself, mentally cringing. Sometimes I hated that I was always so snippy.

He slashed at the other sleeve of my coat. “Got a mouth on you, don’t you?”

His stupid little game continued as I tried my best to keep my mouth shut. But it seemed like no matter what I did, he was slashing at my clothing. There was no sign of sexual assault on the victims, but did he do this to all of them? Somehow, I couldn’t seem to remember anything about this unsub.

My knees shook as fear began to take over my body. What would happen when he shredded my clothing to the point that there was nothing left of them? Would he go to my skin next? One of the victims was all slashed up, I think. I shook my head, trying to keep m mind clear. I needed to be safe long enough for someone to find me.

A hand around my neck made me look up and realize the unsub was behind me now, holding the knife to my neck. My eyes fell to a person standing at the base of the stairs: Spencer Reid. My heart filled with joy. Thank god for Spencer and his big brain.

“Put the gun down or I’ll kill her,” the unsub said, pressing the knife deeper into my throat.

I winced, but at the misgendering, not the knife. 

“He’s a he,” Spencer replied, holding his gun in the same position as he was five seconds ago. 

“I said, put the damn gun away!” 

The knife bit my skin, causing me to cry out. This made Spencer put his gun away. 

“All right, all right, look. The gun’s away. It’s away. Let him go.”

“I’m not letting her go. People like her need to be fixed. They’re mentally ill.”

My stomach tightened at the midgenderment. It sucked because he was going to tell Spencer my secret. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out everything that was happening. Things would be okay. They had to be okay. I had to believe that. I had to believe that I’d make it out of here. I prayed Spencer wouldn’t tell the rest of the team my secret. 

All I ever wanted was to be seen as a real boy...

The next thing I knew, my hands were being untied and there was a slight ringing in my ears. I looked down next to me to see the unsub, dead. Spencer must have been able to convince him to get far enough away from me for him to draw his gun and shoot the guy before either one of us got stabbed.

“Y/N, are you all right?” I nodded, and Spencer pulled me into a hug. “I’m so glad you’re okay. We’ll get you new clothing. Do you want to come to my house?”

I guess it was obvious to Spencer that I didn’t want to be alone. I nodded silently and he led me out to his car. “We’ll come back for yours later,” he promised me. 

At this point, I didn’t really care. My head hurt from being knocked out, and my chest was aching all over again.

Our car ride was mostly silent, but Spencer spoke up. “How did you know it was him?”

“The gate,” I replied. “Something about the gates never lined up in my head. But then it reminded me of why he always kept the eyes open. They were like portals. To what, I’m not sure...”

Spencer nodded and hesitated before speaking again. “You’re binding unsafely...”

I didn’t know what he was talking about until i looked down. My shirt was shredded, and it was easy to see the ACE bandages that was supposed to be hidden. I cursed myself, squeezing my eyes shut. 

“Please don’t tell anyone, Spence. I don’t want them to know I-I didn’t want anyone to know...”

“Is that why this case bothered you so much?”

I didn’t say anything, but my silence was probably the clearest answer. Spencer didn’t say anything else until we got to his house. He led me inside and sat me down on the couch. 

“I can grab you some clothing to borrow for tonight, but I need you to take that bandage off. You’re going to ruin your changes for top surgery. It can seriously hurt you. it can crack or break ribs and-” 

“I know, Spencer,” I said softly. “But I can’t. I’m scared...”

“My shirt’s will be big enough on you. I promise. And if you want, I’ll stay in my room all night so I won’t see you without it on. You...” He stopped a moment. He closed his eyes for a second before looking at me again. “You can borrow one of my old binders tomorrow. It may not fit perfectly, but it’s so much better than that bandage.” Spencer sat next to me on the couch.

I couldn’t believe my ears. Spencer....Spencer had just come out to me as trans. I couldn’t believe it. He was trans this whole time too? My emotions welled up in my chest, and I felt like crying all over again.

“I love you,” I blurted out. Immediately, I felt myself blush, and I regretted my words.

Spencer only smiled at me. “I love you; I always have.”

I looked down at my lap, feeling a tear drip down my cheek. “Spence, I’m scared... I-I love you. But I’m so scared...”

“Of what?”

“Of what the team will say. That...that you’ll hate me for being trans...”

“Y/N, I can’t hate you for being trans when I’m trans myself.” Spencer took my hands in his. “If you want to leave the confessions alone for tonight, I understand. You’ve been though a lot. We can talk more in the morning when you have a clearer mind. Just promise me you’ll take that ACE bandage off.”

“I promise,” I said quietly. 

Spencer stood and pressed a light kiss onto my forehead. “Thank you. Now let me go grab you those clothing so you can turn in for the night. I’ll be here if you need anything at all.” He got up and began to walk down the hallway to his bedroom.

“Spencer?” I called out.

He stopped and looked back at me from the doorway. “Yeah?”

“I love you.”

"Speak to me," she answered, and I found myself breathing out a sigh in relief.

"Hey, I'm in a bit of a jam," I started, embarrassed as all hell. Even though she already knew I was trans, it didn’t make the situation any less embarrassing for me.

"Oh? I'm all ears, honey."

Penelope was my best friend, and I trusted her with everything. She was the first one to make me feel like apart of the team when I joined, so naturally, she became the first I told that I was trans. I didn't really want anyone else to find out because I was afraid they'd have the same reaction that my parents did: disgust and hatred.

"I was at Spencer's. We were cooking, and I accidentally got flour all over the place and on the two of us. He didn't care, but blah blah blah, long story short, I had to change my clothing, and he saw my binder. He tried to question me about it but, Pen, I ran. Oh god, I ran. I didn’t even give back his shirt,” I said, looking down at the genius’s shirt that decorated my body. “And now he’s gonna hate me and fuck me, what is this gonna do to our friendship, and oh god, Penelope, what do I do?"

"Woah, okay. Okay. I don't think he'll care. He'll still want to be friends with you, and he'll love you no matter what, you know that Y/N. It’s Spencer. It’s hard to make him not want to be with you. Plus he’s in love with you, I swear."

There was no way Spencer was in love with me. Yeah, I had had a crush on him for a long time, but him liking me back? That wasn’t something I could ever see happening. But I ignored that part because that wasn’t what I wanted to talk to her about right now.

"I don't want to leave the house ever again. I wanted to discuss it on my own terms, Pen... to discuss it when I felt comfortable...”

"I know, but you of all people should know that life doesn't always go according to plan, especially in our lives."

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "You're right,” I admitted, though I hated to say that she was right.

The binder around my chest felt like it was squeezing the life out of me, but it was only because I was hyperaware of the fact that it was on me. Plus it was the object of my extreme embarrassment and sorrows so how could I not notice it? I tugged on the material, frowning.

A knock at the door jarred my attention. I walked over, peering through the peephole. Immediately, I ducked down and walked away from the door. My heart started pounding.

"Oh my god. Ohmygodohmygod!"

"What? What is it?" Penelope asked, concern clearly laced in her words.

"He's here!" I whisper-shouted. "He's at my fucking door! What do I do?"

"Just talk to him. What else could go wrong now?"

Oh. Way too much. "What if he laughs at me? Or-or worse? I don’t know—what if he hates me now?”

There was another knock at the door. "I know you're in there, Y/N. Please let me in," Spencer said as he knocked once more. “I can literally hear you on the phone.”

"He won't laugh at you. I'm hanging up now so you can talk to him."

"Penelope!"

"Hanging up!"

And the line went dead.

Fuck. Me.

I settled my hand on the doorknob after throwing my phone back onto the couch. Fuck me. I can't let him in. There is no way in hell!

"I want to talk to you,” Spencer said.

I wished he would just stop talking and go away. I didn’t want to talk to him. I was scared, embarrassed, upset. I couldn’t see him but eventually, I opened the door.

"What can I do for you?" I asked, trying to hide the fact that I just wanted to break down and cry.

"We have to talk."

No, we don't.

I stepped aside to let him in, and he walked into the living room. I shut the door, took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. It was now or never, but I really preferred never. I never wanted to have this conversation. Not before all my surgeries.

I took a seat next to Spencer on the couch. He was fiddling with his fingers, intently staring at them like they were the most interesting thing on the planet. Funnily enough, that’s how I felt about my own fingers as I turned my attention to them.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" he asked softly.

I wanted to keep playing dumb, like I didn’t know what he was talking about, but I knew that it would only drag this out longer and increase my anxiety. That was something I didn’t want.

"I didn't want you to be mad," I said, twirling my fingers around one another. "I didn't want to feel your rejection as well. I didn't want to be viewed as a fake. I didn't want you to see me differently, and I didn't want to tell until I was totally comfortable. I-I’m not comfortable yet...”

"But why not me?"

Spencer has a point, in a way. He was my best friend, right after Penelope.

I guess now was as good a time as any to spill my guts. The hole I had dug didn’t seem like it could really get much deeper.

"Because... because I'm in love with you, Spencer... I'm in love with you, and I didn't want you to see me as... as something else just because I didn't yet have surgery to correct everything that’s wrong with me."

Spencer got up off the couch, and my heart shattered. I guess my hole could be dug deeper. He was leaving. He was disgusted by who I was.

"Hey..." Spencer stood in front of me, tilting my chin to face him. "I'm not mad. I... I'm in love with you."

His fingers found their way to the buttons of his shirt, but he paused. I found myself frowning, utterly confused with why he was unbuttoning his shirt.

Once all the buttons were undone, he pulled open his shirt.

A soft gasp was pulled from my lips as I tore my eyes from his top surgery scars to his beautiful eyes. A lopsided smile pulled his lips, but it was clear he was nervous.

"Why would I hate you for being trans when I'm trans myself?"

I stood up and my hands hovered over his scars. He gave me a slight nod, the smallest gesture that I needed to let me know that I was okay to touch them.

My fingers traced the white marks, and I felt tears in my eyes. Spencer was trans...

“How... when... I...” I didn’t even know what I wanted to say. I couldn’t believe that Spencer was trans. And that he, too, had hidden it from the rest of us.

“Same reasons as you. Hotch promised not to tell while I took leave for the surgery,” he explained, understanding what I wanted to ask.

I looked up at him and smiled softly. My heart bubbled with love. I wanted to hold him and kiss him. Knowing that I had another trans person in my life... was wonderful. I couldn’t even believe that he was trans in the first place. “Ohmygoshiloveyou.”

Spencer laughed and pulled me into a hug. “I love you.”

I pressed a kiss onto his lips, holding him close. My one hand tangled in his hair, holding his head as he kissed me back. His hands fell on my hips, and he pulled me closer to him. His hands gripped my hips tightly, and I rubbed his hair lightly.

Spencer’s lips parted slightly, a soft gasp passsing them into our kiss. I pulled back, looking up at him. His cheeks were flushed, and he refused to meet my eyes. I touched our noses together, which caused him to look back at me. I tugged his hair gently again, receiving the same reaction, except this time, he breathed out a soft word with it.

“Fuck.”

I raised an eyebrow, a light smirk dancing on my lips. “You like that?”

Spencer untangled himself from me, flattening hiss till untied shirt agaisnt his chest. “I-I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Tilting my head, I watched his eyes. He was clearly embarrassed. His body language screamed it. But... he didn’t seem like he wanted to leave. Like he was embarrassed, but okay with being in my presence, possibly even turned on.

“No? Would you know what I’m talking about if I did this?” I asked, walking closer to him and laying another kiss on his lips.

Spencer’s hands fell back onto my hips, and I found myself smirking into the kiss. My hands found their way to his hair again, tangling them in it.

However, I was the one to gasp this time when Spencer moved his hands to my ass and squeezed. I backed from the kiss. It was my turn to be embarrassed now.

“Jerk.”

“You started it!” he argued back, teasing me like a child would. Spencer hesitated and looked at me, really looking at me. “I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you,” I replied, biting my lip. I felt like he wanted to say something but he wasn’t telling me what it was.

“I want you...”

I could barely hear his words. I barely caught them. They almost fell upon deaf ears. But I caught them just in time.

“Me...? Spencer, I...”

“You don’t have to. We don’t have to do anything. I... I just want you... I don’t care if that means we just cuddle. I just want to be close to you.”

I took a breath, glancing down at myself. I hadn’t had any of my surgeries. I didn’t want Spencer to be turned off by that. I do desperately wanted my first time to be with Spencer, but I was so afraid of what he would say and what would happen.

“I haven’t had bottom surgery,” Spencer said, causing my eyes to snap up and meet his. “I haven’t had the time or the ability to.”

I took a shaky breath in. “I... I want you, too. I’m... I’m okay with that. With whatever you want.”

He took my hand and gently lead me back to my bedroom. It was the first time he’d been over. He gingerlt closed the door, seeming like he didn’t want to be too loud.

Spencer pulled me close to him, kissing me again. My eyes closed as I kissed him back. His lips were soft and gentle. When he pulled back, he led me to the bedroom carefully and slowly.

He closed the door and then laid me down in the bed. Spencer got on top of me and kissed me again, running his fingers down my side to hold my hips. I wrapped my arms around his neck, tangling my fingers in his hair again. I tugged on it lightly, making Spencer breathe out soft curses. His fingers gripped my hips tighter.

I tugged on his hair again, and he pulled back, looking down at me. He leaned down and kissed my neck, kissing it softly and slowly. I closed my eyes, allowing myself to feel Spencer and his lips.

My hands fell from his hair, moving to his shoulders. I pushed him back lightly, just enough for him to understand I wanted him to stop for a moment.

“You don’t have to do this, Spence,” I said softly.

“I want to,” he replied back.

I leaned up and kissed him, wrapping my arms back around his neck. Spencer’s hands slipped underneath my shirt, his fingertips barely touching my skin.

“May I take this off?” he asked after backing away from our kiss.

I still had my binder on, so I wasn’t too worried right now. I nodded, shifting to allow him to take it off better.

He dropped the material to the floor and kissed my stomach before looking up at me. “You’re so beautiful.”

I felt a blush dust over my cheeks again as I shook my head. “No... Spencer, I’m not. But I genuinely appreciate you thinking so.”

He frowned. “Hey, you are. You’re so beautiful. You’re so handsome. You’re wonderful. And I’m so in love with you.” His fingers traced from my underarms to my hips, down the length of my torso. “I’m in love with every curve and bump. Every mark and dimple. Everything you may not like, I love. And I don’t mind that you’re not yet transitioned. I’ll love you when you do just as much as I love you now. It changes nothing for me.”

I smiled, feeling tears well up in my eyes. No one had ever said such nice things to me so genuinely. I cupped his face in my hands and brought him up to my lips, kissing him softly.

“Can I keep my binder on?” I asked softly after he pulled from the kiss.

Spencer smiled. “If that makes you the most comfortable with me, then absolutely. You can keep it on.” He got serious with me real quick. “Just make sure you don’t overwear it. And you can always tell me to stop. Stop and we’re done. Honestly.”

“I know, Spence.” I smiled at him, rubbing my thumbs across his cheek bones. “Can I take off your shirt too?”

He nodded, and I dropped my hands so he could take it off. He dropped the material next to mine before climbing back on top of me and kissing me.

I pulled back, turning him over and straddling his hips. I rested my hands on his stomach, looking over his body and admiring him. His beauty. I looked up at met his gaze, soft smiles on our faces.

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you.”

My hands slid down to his belt buckle, and I looked up at him, making sure it was okay that I could take it off. He gave me a slight nod, letting me know it was okay.

He lifted his hips to help me take his pants off, and I dropped them on the floor, having them join our shirts.

“Can I take off yours?” Spencer asked, and I hesitated before giving him a nod.

Soon enough, my jeans joined the rest of the clothing that was on my floor. All that was left was our boxers. I was nervous, and Spencer could tell because he sat down beside me and took my hand.

“We don’t have to do this.”

“I want to. I’m... I’m just scared of what you’ll think of me. I-I know you won’t mind, but I hope you understand. I just... I didn’t expect anything. I didn’t know that you’d be doing things like this with me. I didn’t shave or anything. I didn’t get to shower today...” I trailed off, blushing deeply.

Spencer only laughed. “Babe, I don’t care. I’m not grossed out by that. You showered last night because you texted me when you got out to say goodnight. Just like always. That’s not going to stop me from loving you.”

He laid me down and laid next to me. He gave my cheek a kiss and rested his hand on my stomach. I looked down at his hand on my almost naked body and realized how large his hands were. And how long his fingers were.

“Do you want a safe word?”

My eyes turned to Spencer’s. “No. No, I know you’ll stop if I say so. I-I find it easier to say ‘no’ than to say some other word.”

“Okay,” he whispered and turned my head to kiss my lips. I felt his hand slide down my boxers and over my skin. I shuddered at the feeling. It’s been so long since I’ve felt anything down there.

His fingers gently touched and moved around, getting familiar with my body before he slipped a finger inside of me, moving it slowly at first. I gasped into the kiss, which allowed Spencer to stick his tongue into my mouth. Yet there was a slight moment of hesitation for me to pull back if I wanted.

I brought a hand up and rested it on the back of his head, tangling my fingers in his hair, letting him know I wanted this. His tongue slipped over mine, dancing in time with my own. His hand sped up, causing my legs to tremble.

I pulled back from the kiss, leaning my head back onto the pillow as my eyes closed. I bit my lower lip, stifling a soft moan. I felt my cheeks heat in a blush. Spencer kissed my cheek, taking my hand in his.

Spencer pulled out of me, moving to tease my clit. I shivered, groaning in pleasure. After another minute, Spencer repositioned his hand where he could finger me as well as teasing my clit simultaneously. Pleasure filled my senses, and I pulled him into another kiss. Our tongues battled for dominance as my hips bucked up into his hands.

He kept this up for a while, kissing me and my neck, making hickies on the exposed skin. I wondered how he didn’t get tired, but fuck, I was a mess in his hands. A shaking, moaning, shivering mess.

“Fuck,” I muttered, my lips mere centimeters from his. I looked up at his eyes, biting my lip as I met them. Fuck, he was so damn gorgeous. “Fuck, I’m close.”

That only caused Spencer to speed up, upping the amount of pleasure I got. I tugged on his hair, my other hand gripping the sheets. My body filled with a warmth as I hit my climax. I squeezed my eyes shut as Spencer coaxed me through the orgasm.

It took me a moment to recover from the pleasure. When I did, I met eyes with Spencer’s. He had a smile on his face. I blushed and looked away.

“Was it okay?” he asked me. I turned my eyes back to Spencer’s.

“It was perfect.” I turned over onto my side and tilted my head slightly. “Can I please you?”

This time, Spencer blushed. He rubbed the back of his head nervously. “I-I don’t want to be a problem for you is-is all...”

“Spencer, it’s no problem at all. I want to. You made me feel good, so I wanna make you feel good.” I laid a hand on his hip. “If you’ll let me.”

He gave me a nod, and I helped him relax back agaisnt the bed. I kissed him softly at first before loving doen his neck and giving that soft kisses. I slid my hand down his boxers, feeling him up gently. I took notice to the fact that he, too, hadn’t shaved and it suddenly made me feel better. He really didn’t mind...

I slowly began to finger him, making marks on his chest. Soft moans left his lips, and I felt my ears grow hot. God, he was so sexy. I wanted him. I kissed back up to his neck, leaving hickies there, too. I sped up a little, teasing his clit as I went, wanting to make him feel good.

“Fuck, Y/N, jus-st like that. Fuck,” he muttered, his hand coming up to grip my hair. I moved back to his lips and kissed him hard. He kissed me back, smiling into the kiss. He moaned into the kiss.

I pulled back, kissing down his chest and down his stomach to the brim of his boxers. With his permission, I pulled them down and kissed him softly. I then licked him slowly, gently. He gave out a low moan.

Spencer’s hands found their way to my hair again, tugging on it. I sucked on his clit, getting another moan. I continued to suck and lick him, looking up at him and watching his face contort in pleasure.

“‘M close,” he muttered, bucking his hips. I moved back, quickly replacing my lips with my hand again. I went back to his lips, kissing him. He moaned into the kiss again. I pulled back, laying our foreheads together until he came.

Once we got cleaned up and redressed to our boxers again, Spencer pulled me into his arms and cuddled me. I kissed his cheek softly.

“Are we...?”

“If you want to be,” Spencer replied.

“Spencer Reid, I love you,” I whispered softly.

“Y/N L/N, I love you.”

I laid my head agaisnt his chest and closed my eyes, listening to his heartbeat.

Penelope has been right. There was nothing for me to worry about. Everything had gone perfectly. I was so lucky with the way he reacted, even though he was trans himself. I was thankful...

Me and Spencer, a thing. Boyfriends. Holy shit, I didn’t think I’d ever really get this far with Spencer. I never knew he was in love with me too. Oh, was Pen gonna flip when I told her about this.

I felt myself sigh in relief as I walked closer to the shop classroom. There was just... things about Mark that made me not like being around him. He made me feel like I constantly had to have my guard up and one wrong move would set him off.

Mr. Callahan wasn’t in the classroom yet when I got there, and a small part of me was disappointed. Shop class was the only class I really liked and felt comfortable in.

I headed toward my normal seat in the front of the classroom. I liked to work alone, and no one else sat in the front except for Patrick. Patrick had quickly become one of my best friends.

“Hey, Nothing,” I said to Patrick as I sat down beside him.

He turned to me. “Hey, Something.”

I laughed softly to myself and shook my head. “You ever gonna let ‘Something’ die?”

“Not until you let ‘Nothing’ die,” he replied with a cheerful smile on his face.

“Touché.”

I settled back into my seat, closing my eyes and letting out a soft sigh. I was excited for class to start, but at the same time, I found myself feeling the same feeling of dread every day at the beginning of this class. Like I never wanted it to start so it wouldn’t have to end.

“You okay, Y/N?” Patrick asked me, leaning forward and settling his arms on the desk. “You’ve been acting funny lately at the start of class. Everything going okay?”

I nodded, not wanting to worry Patrick since I didn’t even know what was going on. “Just anxious for the class,” I said, hoping that sounded convincing enough and was a satisfactory answer for the boy.

“You’re like, the best in here. I’m scraping by!” he laughed, shaking his head.

I watched the way his wavy black hair bounced, and I found myself smiling. Patrick was the first openly gay man I had come into contact with when I first came to this school. It was odd, seeing as though he was the only one, but I’d catch glimpses of gay couples in the halls.

Patrick turned and smiled at me. His smile was... perfect. His perfect lips formed a perfect smile around his perfect teeth. All I wanted to do was grab his face and kiss it.

I turned away from him.

I have a boyfriend. What the hell am I doing?

Thankfully, Mr. Callahan walked into the classroom, and class started. It was the same as it was yesterday: working on a clock. Patrick and I chitchatted as we worked. Or, mostly, as I worked. Patrick was just sort of watching me.

I felt all giddy and blushy as I felt Patrick’s eyes on me. I felt like a stupid little boy falling in love for the first time. Why didn’t I feel this way about Mark?

The bell rang all too soon, signaling that the day was over. The familiar feeling of dread reappeared in the pit of my stomach.

I walked with Patrick out of the classroom, laughing about some stupid joke he told me. The laughter died away when I caught a glimpse of Mark in my peripheral vision. I tried to push the image away, but somehow, someway, Mark must’ve noticed that I’d seen him, and he started to walk towards me.

“I-I gotta go Patrick. I’ll see you tomorrow, right?” I gave him a soft smile. Tomorrow was Friday, and we had plans after school to go to the school’s dance. Even though both of us didn’t dance, Sam, Charlie, him, and I were going to go. To just... have a good time. As friends.

As friends. Part of me felt sad to say that, but I didn’t understand why. Did I really love Patrick? Was that who I was falling for? Then why was I with Mark? Why couldn’t I get myself to leave? Maybe tonight... tonight we could talk about it.

“Mark?” I asked, once he was close enough. “Can we talk about something tonight?”

“Of course,” he replied, winking at me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and began leading me back to my locker so I could grab my backpack. “Anything in particular?”

“I-I’d feel more comfortable waiting until then,” I said softly, barely being able to be heard over the crowd of students that was passing by us.

Mark stayed silent until we were out in his car, and he was driving me home. Mark was the first to speak up. “I don’t want you hanging around that faggot Patrick kid so often,” he said.

I frowned. “Patrick is one of my best friends. Don’t talk about him like that. He’s gay, just like you and I.”

Mark rolled his eyes, chewing on a toothpick, rolling it between his teeth. “Either way. I don’t want you going to the dance with him tomorrow. I want to go with you.”

I turned in my seat. “Mark, you promised. You said I could go with my friends. I’m going with Patrick and Charlie and Sam. It’s not just him. It’s not a date! You don’t even like dances, Mark; you said so yourself. So why all of a sudden do you wanna go with me? You know I was looking forward to this.”

“Because I fucking said so,” he growled, his grip tightening on the wheel.

He pulled into my driveway, and I got out of the car. I didn’t like crying in front of Mark, and he didn’t like to see me cry. Except I heard the slam of his car door and knew that this conversation wasn’t over.

“I’m not finished with you,” he said, grabbing my arm and whirling me around viciously.

I winced at the amount of force he used to grab me. Tears pooled in my eyes and I fought to keep them down. “I’m finished with you right now.”

A hand slapped me across the face, causing me to freeze. I couldn’t believe he had just slapped me in the face like that. No, it wasn’t the first time he had hit me, but it was the first time he slapped me across the face.

“Don’t you ever speak to me like that again, do you hear me? Never. We’re not done until I say we’re done. You’re not going to the fucking dance with that faggot and that slut and that freak, and that’s final. I don’t care if you don’t go with me, but you sure as hell aren’t going with them.”

Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I sniffled. “You promised!” I yelled. “You promised I could go with them. They’re all I have, Mark! They’re my best friends, and we all have been looking forward to this. I’m going. I don’t care what you say.”

There was another slap to my face and while I was reeling from it, his large hand wrapped around my throat, pulling me closer to him.

“Look, I don’t give a single damn what I did and did not promise or did and did not say.” His grip got tighter, and I could feel it getting harder and harder to breathe. “You are. Not. Going. To that dance. Now get your ass inside. I’m done seeing your fucking face.” He released my neck with a forceful push, causing me to fall and scrape my hands, leaving them bloody.

Mark got back into his car and drove away. I sat in the driveway for a little while just crying until I got up and walked inside. I went to the bathroom first, cleaning my hands and making sure the new cuts on them weren’t dirty. When I looked in the mirror, I noticed the red handprint mark on my neck.

I winced even though it didn’t hurt anymore and turned away from the morrow. I put bandaids on my hands and went to the bedroom, slipping into a turtleneck shirt. Sniffling, I wiped my eyes on the sleeves and picked up my phone.

“Hello?” Patrick’s voice rang through the small device.

“Hey, Patrick,” I answered back.

Immediately, however, he knew there was something wrong. “Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

I shook my head, feeling my lower lip quiver as fresh tears welled up in my eyes. “Ah, I-I can’t go to the dance tomorrow...”

“What? Why not?”

“I...” I closed my eyes and rubbed my cheeks, wincing a little as I rubbed over my right cheek. It still stung from where Mark had slapped me. “Something came up...”

Patrick was silent for a couple of moments. “What aren’t you telling me, Y/N...?”

I squeezed my eyes shut now, trying to stop myself from crying again. I didn’t want Patrick knowing I was crying. It wouldn’t go well for either of us. Patrick would be here before I could even tell him no. He always took care of me like that.

Though being in Patrick’s arms was something I so desperately wanted... I wanted him to hold me. To tell me everything would be all right. I wanted to be surrounded in his scent. To feel the warmth of his body against mine.

Fuck. I’m doing it again. I shook my head to try and clear my thoughts.

“Mark and I fought,” I explained, holding back the rest of the truth. I wasn’t technically lying. Mark and I really did fight. But I couldn’t tell Patrick that Mark had hit me again. Hell, he didn’t even know Mark hit me in the first place. “We fought, and now I don’t really feel like going to the dance anymore.”

I hated lying to Patrick, but I couldn’t tell him the truth. That was purely off the table. No way.

“Going to the dance would help clear your mind,” Patrick replied. “It would keep your mind off the fight. You two should keep your distance for a day or so if the fight was bad. Let things cool off before you go back into it. Going to the dance would be good for you, Y/N.”

I knew he was right. I knew it. But Mark would be so mad if he knew that I went to the dance... “Okay,” I found myself saying. Fuck whatever Mark thought. “Okay. I’ll go. I’ll go. It’s been too long since I’ve been able to hang out with all three of you anyway.”

I could almost see the smile on Patrick’s face, and butterflies filled my tummy. I cleared my throat, trying to keep my mind off of that. I have a boyfriend.

“That’s awesome!” he said. “I’m glad you agree with me. We’ll make it a good one. You won’t regret it.”

“I have to go, Patrick,” I said, offering a small smile even though he couldn’t see it. “Take care of yourself. See you tomorrow.”

Once I hung up, I immediately burst into tears. There was no way Mark was going to let me go. I knew that. I knew that. I sunk down on the couch and covered my face with my hands. I just made a promise I couldn’t keep. Unless I snuck out. It didn’t seem like Mark wanted to be with me anyway...

~~~~~

It was eight o’clock, and I found myself button in a white button-up and a black bow tie. I had on black jeans as well. It wasn’t perfectly dressed up, but it was enough.

There was a loud knock at my door, and when I opened it, Patrick was leaning against the doorframe. He had his fingers against his lips. His body was decorated in clothing similar to mine, but he had a jacket on as well, one that had white sides and made him look more flashy.

“Are you ready to come out and play?” he asked, and I laughed.

I shoved him back playfully and closed the door behind me. “Fuck yeah.”

I got in the truck with him and said hello to Sam and Charlie. The four of us blasted our own music as we headed to the school once again for this dance.

Once we got there, we all seemed to agree that it was a wash. They were playing shitty music. So we huddled in the corner, just sort of swaying back and forth to the beat of the music that was playing. I didn’t really know much of the music; it wasn’t my taste or brand.

However one song caught my ear, and I grabbed Partrick’s arm, stopping him mid sentence. “They’re playing good music.”

“What?” Sam asked, frowning.

“They’re playing good music!” I said, excited.

“Holy shit. Holy shit! They are! They’re playing good music!” Patrick shouted, grabbing my hand and Sam’s, pulling us into the dance floor. I managed to catch Charlie’s hand before I got too far away and pulled him along with the rest of us.

We all danced to the song, danced like no one was watching and danced like it was the last night of our lives. And it was perfect. Everything about tonight was perfect.

However, the dance soon ended, and we got back into the truck. We were still laughing and carrying on like the stupid teenagers we were. We reached my house, and I got down and out of the truck.

“Thanks, guys. That was amazing. I’ll see y’all later. Stay safe!” I called, closing the door behind me. The three of them waved as they drove away.

I opened the door to my house, humming one of the songs to myself before my heart immediately stopped.

“I thought I told you not to go to that dance.” Mark was sitting on my couch, his arms folded over his chest like he was my father catching me sneaking in from a date.

“I had promised them, Mark,” I said softly, tucking my lower lip between my teeth. “I just wanted to fulfill my promise to them.”

Mark stood up and walked over to me. He felt a lot taller than he actually was as he loomed over me. “I told you. Not. To go. And you did.”

Before I could do anything, he reached out and slapped me in the face. I cried out, gripping my cheek in my hand.

“Fuck, Mark! What the hell is your problem!” I shouted before realizing what I said, and I knew I was in so much trouble.

He grabbed me by the throat. “What the fuck did I say about never talking to me like that!”

After that, I shut down. I watched myself get abused from the corner of the room. It didn’t even feel like it was happening to me. He punched me, kicked me, yelled at me. It was all like I was watching some movie.

It was only after Mark shouted, “We’re fucking through!” and slammed the door behind him did I feel all the abuse.

My body ached. I felt drained and empty. I closed my eyes, sinking against the couch. My face was stained with tears and blood. I didn’t even want to shower and clean myself off though I knew I was going to have to. I closed my eyes tightly but quickly winced and stopped.

I reached for my phone with a trembling hand and called Patrick. I didn’t know what else to do. I wanted to be alone, but I was horrified that Mark would come back. He always had bursts of energy, and once was never enough for him.

“P-Patrick...?”

“Y/N? Are you crying? What’s wrong?”

“Can you come over...?” I whispered into the phone, hesitantly. Even if Patrick sped over here, Id still have time to take a quick shower. I winced as I pushed myself back up off the couch.

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. What’s up?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” I mumbled. And with that, I hung up. I didn’t even say goodbye. Fresh tears rolled down my cheeks as I headed to the bathroom.

I managed to get myself into the shower and began to wash myself off. The water was much hotter than I wanted it to be, but I didn’t have the energy to change it. And I wanted him off of me. I wanted his touches and his scent and everything that belonged to him off. And I felt the only way I could do that was wash it off with hot water.

Once the water began to run cool, I shut off the water, dried off, and put pants on myself. I looked in the mirror and inspected myself.

My bottom lip was cut, and it was clear my left eye was going to bloom into a black eye. The rest of my bruises were still rather faint, some darker than others, but visible enough to be seen. I slid into an oversized sweater so Patrick wouldn’t be able to see a majority of the damage that Mark had done.

I wandered out into my living room once again, not really having a destination in mind. I felt like a ghost. Like I had no place to go. But I more felt like none of that had actually just happened. Like Mark and I were still together, and he hadn’t just beaten the shit out of me.

My eyes glanced toward the door when I heard a frantic knock at it. I knew it was Patrick, but I found myself frozen in place, unable to move and go toward the door.

“Y/N? Y/N, it’s me. Let me in,” Patrick said, knocking again.

I still couldn’t move. I felt like the door was miles away; I’d never get there.

“Y/N! Please let me in. What’s wrong?”

And before I knew it, my handle was settled on the doorknob, opening it, but I didn’t recall how I’d gotten there.

Patrick’s face fell as he noticed the state I was in. He quickly ushered me back toward the couch so he could close the door behind him.

“What happened to you, Y/N? Who hurt you? What’s going on?”

“Mark—” I took notice to how hoarse my voice sounded. “Mark... we broke up.”

Patrick pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arms around my waist, allowing me to rest my head on his shoulder. He didn’t say anything for a long while. He just held me in silence. Maybe he was waiting for me to talk. I didn’t know. But I didn’t want to say anything.

“Did he hit you?”

I nodded, but kept silent. I closed my eyes, inhaling shakily, breathing in Patrick’s scent.

“I’ll kill him.”

“Patrick, please... just leave it... I never wanna see him again...” My grip tightened around his waist, almost like I was holding him back from getting up and actually doing it.

“Why would you let him do that to you? You’re so much better than that.”

“We accept the love we think we deserve,” I said softly. “And that’s what I thought that I deserved.”

“Hey, Y/N, you don’t. You don’t deserve someone like that. You never did. And I’m so sorry we didn’t get you out of there sooner. I wish I would’ve known.”

I didn’t say anything back, and Patrick said nothing else when I didn’t respond to him. I genuinely thought I deserved to be treated that way. Maybe I was just doing something wrong.

I sighed and closed my eyes, wishing all of this was just some awful nightmare. I wished things with Mark would’ve ended differently. I wish things with Patrick could be different but now he’d think I’d be using him as a rebound. And did he even want me like that in the first place? He couldn’t. He wouldn’t.

“Could you stay the night, Patrick? I just... I don’t want to be alone...”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. I’ll take the couch. I’ll be around if you need me. Any time. Don’t be afraid to wake me.”

I got up, gently shrugging off his grasp, and I gave him a smile or something that resembled one. “Thanks, Patrick. You can watch TV or grab something from the fridge. I don’t care.” I bent down and kissed his forehead before going back to my bedroom.

I got myself under the sheets and rolled into my side. Thoughts flooded my head, and I knew there was no way I was going to school on Monday. I didn’t want to face Mark.

I closed my eyes as soft whimpers left my lips. Eventually, I fell asleep.

~~~~~~

I woke up the next morning, aching and stiff. I rolled over and stifled a scream as I noticed Patrick on the floor, bundled in blankets. I didn’t realize he’d come in last night. Maybe I’d asked him to. I didn’t remember last night...

I couldn’t help but take notice to his sleeping figure. How his messy hair was even more of a mess. The way his chest rose and fell evenly and peacefully. The way his face was calm and tranquil. Something I wished I was.

I swung my feet over the side of the bed and got up, tip-toeing around him to the bathroom. I felt the need to take another shower as the thoughts and memories from yesterday settled in.

I turned on the water after I got in, but sat on the floor instead. I let the water run over me, but I didn’t feel like getting up. I just sat there and started to cry again. I’d just lost my boyfriend — which was the least of my worries — and got beaten up and then called up my best friend and told him I’d gotten smacked around. And now here I was, sobbing in the shower.

Once I got myself to my feet, I gently scrubbed my body and washed my hair. Everything hurt. The warm water helped, but I still felt achy.

I hit out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist before looking into the mirror. My black eye was definitely swollen. My neck still bared a red mark. My chest was littered with bruises here and there as well as my stomach. My wrist still held a faded mark from Mark’s hand.

I turned away and redressed myself. I didn’t want to look anymore. What did Patrick think of me...? What? Why did I care what Patrick thought of me? But even at the thought of him, I felt my heart get lighter. Butterflies flew around in my stomach as I thought about the fact that he was on my bedroom floor right now.

Fuck... is this what real love is...?

I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the bathroom door. I nearly jumped out of my skin when there came a knock from the other side.

“Y/N? You okay?”

I opened the door to see a sleepy, yet concerned Patrick standing there.

“I’m okay,” I said with a soft smile. “I’ll let you shower and stuff. You can use the bathroom. Shower if you need. Whatever. I’m sorry.”

“No need to be sorry,” he replied and let me pass. “Do... do you remember anything you said last night?” he added hesitantly.

I shook my head as my heart fell to my stomach. “No.” What the fuck did I say?

“Okay.” He seemed relieved at my answer. With that, he closed the door.

I went back to my bedroom, wondering what the hell had happened last night. Did I embarrass myself? Did I embarrass him? Did I say something I’d regret? That he didn’t agree with? Something I wasn’t supposed to say?

Oh my god.

Did I tell him I loved him?

I didn’t. I couldn’t. But did I?

Shit.

Patrick came back into the bedroom a few minutes later with a towel draped around his shoulders. He was shirtless. Shirtless. Really? Did my hwart have to stutter now? My brain swoon now? Really?

Did I even want a relationship after what happened with Mark...?

I shook my head slightly to clear it of thoughts. That didn’t matter right now. I didn’t even know what had went down last night.

Patrick was now putting a shirt on and replacing himself on the floor, his arms wrapped around his knees, hugging them.

“Patrick...?” He nodded. “What happened last night? I... kinda tuned everything out. I don’t even know how you got in here. Well, I know you walked, but I don’t know why,” I rambled.

“You we’re having a nightmare,” he explained, “and so you asked me to stay in here in case you had another one.”

I sighed softly, swinging my feet lightly and brushing them against the carpeted floor. “Did I say anything else?”

Patrick’s eyes darted away from mine for a split second. “No.”

“Patrick...”

“I swear!”

“You’re lying. I know your tell.”

He sighed. “We... had a conversation after your nightmare. Well, it was mostly you rambling about Mark and how you never truly loved him. How he scared you and told you that this was the relationship you were meant to be in. The things he called you and did to you.”

“That’s it...?” I asked, almost afraid to.

“You asked me if I ever felt love before.”

Great. So I embarrassed him.

“So I told you,” he continued. “I told you I was in love with someone. Someone smart and handsome. Someone who needed love, but didn’t quite realize it. Someone who was slowly falling apart even though he tried to be strong. And I loved him for his kindness and sweetness. The way he loved everyone he could. Treated everyone with a gentleness few possessed. A man that would give gifts so gay that I would think I’d given them to myself and a man that was just... perfect for me.”

I smiled softly. “He sounds like a wonderful man.”

“He is. He just doesn’t... know.”

I frowned a little. “Why don’t you tell him?”

“Because he’s told me he’s scared that his next relationship will seem like a rebound. That he doesn’t think he wants one yet.”

Patrick looked down at his knees and was silent. I didn’t realize he was crying until he looked up at me again. My heart broke at the sight of his tears and I got down onto the floor with him. He stopped hugging his knees. His lower lip trembled as he spoke.

“Why can’t you save anybody?” he whispered.

“I-I don’t know, Patrick. It’s... hard to save people. It’s hard to help them. It’s hard to protect them, especially when you have feelings for them.” I laid a hand on Patrick’s shoulder. “But I’ll always be here for you. I promise.”

He looked up at me, cupped my face in his hands, and pressed his lips against mine. I was taken back by the sudden action, but I eventually kissed him back.

He pulled away all too soon.

Patrick looked down at his hands that had now returned to his lap. “I-I’m sorry. I... I’m just in love with you. And I want to save you. To take you away from things like Mark and the stressors in your life. But I don’t know how.”

I took Patrick’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “I just need you by my side right now. I love you, too, Patrick, I really do. But I’m scared of having a relationship right now.”

“You said last night,” he said. “And I know. I understand. I’ll wait. I’ll wait for you. I love you. I love you so much. I love you, and I have for a while.”

“I-I never felt true love until I started falling for you,” I admitted, giving him a warm smile.

It felt like everything that yesterday was hadn’t happened. All that mattered right now was Patrick and I. And the fact that we could have something beautiful.

“I’ll wait for you,” he repeated. “I’ll wait until you’re ready to be in a relationship again.”

“I really appreciate that. That means more to me than you’ll ever understand.”

I pulled him into a hug and buried my face in his shoulder. He hugged me back, his hand gently cupping the back of my head. I closed my eyes and breathed out a sigh.

Patrick and I would be okay. I would be okay. With him by my side, I felt like I could handle anything. And right now, I was in his arms. That was all that mattered to me.

I thanked Mrs. Livingston and headed out of the library. I went to the coffee shop next door and grabbed a blueberry muffin and a hot chocolate before going back home.

I could just buy my own copy of the book, but I wasn’t sure if I’d actually like it. I wanted to check it out and read it first before buying it. That’s what I did with all the books I owned, and I couldn’t break that system now.

It was driving me nuts. This guy, whoever he is, was going to get a piece of my mind whenever I met him, if I ever met him. He’s lucky if we never meet. He’s gonna get an earful.

I meant it, too. Who in god’s name spent so much time with a book? Even if it was a good one?

I sighed and plopped down onto the couch, closing my eyes and rubbing them. Might as well do something else while I waited for my damned book.

I felt oddly tired, so I laid down on the couch, leaving my eyes closed. I groped around for a blanket before tugging it over my body. I eventually fell asleep.

~~~~~~

Two weeks later, Tuesday rolled around again, and I walked back down to the library. Mrs. Livingston greeted me with a smile on her face. A bright smile. It made my heart swell with hope.

“I have a surprise for you,” she said.

“Do you have my book?!” I asked excitedly.

She nodded and handed the thick book over to me. I hugged it agaisnt my chest with a sigh. It’s finally ‘mine.’ I’d finally get to read it.

“Who the hell had the book this long anyway? Are you freakin’ kidding me? I understand that it might be a good book, but did you really have to keep it three months overdue? What do you do that you have actually no time to drop a book off at a library? What do you need a book so long for? I know it doesn’t take three months and then some to read. I’m not that stupid. What the hell took so damn long?”

“Actually, I’m an FBI agent. That’s why I had no time to return it. We’ve been very busy the last few months,” a voice behind me spoke up.

I whirled around, startled, and nearly collided with a very beautiful man. His brown eyes were light and happy, and his hair curled around his face perfectly. I felt a blush heat up my cheeks, and my mouth gaped open like a fish out of water.

“Doctor Spencer Reid,” he said, introducing himself.

I offered my hand. “Y/N L/N,” I replied.

“The number of pathogens passed during a handshake is staggering. It's actually safer to kiss.”

My blush darkened, and I went to drop my hand, but he reached out and shook it anyway. I noticed the blush that was now dusting over his cheeks.

Boy was this an awkward meeting. But... it didn’t seem so bad at the same time. Maybe it was because we were both so damn fucking awkward that it really couldn’t have gone any worse.

“I-I’m sorry. I’m a bit awkward,” he admitted.

I laughed softly. “It’s okay; I understand. Me, too.” I hesitated a moment. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so harsh about the book. I-I understand that people get busy. I really am not that bitchy all the time.”

Spencer laughed this time. “That’s okay. I did take an abormally long time to return a book.”

“Oh for heaven’s sake,” Mrs. Livingston cut in. “Just go for some coffee down the street.”

I felt my blush darken, and I turned to Spencer. “Would you?”

He quickly checked his phone and gave me a smile. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

We headed out of the library, book in hand. I opened the door for him and held it, following him inside.

I smiled at the man behind the counter, Jim. He always knew my order of a blueberry muffin and a hot chocolate. He only worked Tuesdays and Thursdays though.

“Hey! Y/N!”

“Hey, Jim.”

“The usual?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “And whatever my friend Spencer here wants.”

“I-” Spencer tried to cut in.

“Spencer, let me pay. Unless you’re getting one of everything off the menu, I can handle it.”

“Just a coffee,” he said to Jim.

Jim gave us a smile and winked at me. I could tell what he was thinking. He probably thoigh Spencer was more than just a friend, even though I had already specified that we weren’t. I shook my head with a soft chuckle to myself.

Once our order was ready, we headed over to the one booth that I always sat in. We continued to talk about anything and everything. It mainly stuck to books we liked and our favorites of things. I discovered his love for magic and history, and he discovered my odd obsession with the 70’s and 80’s.

Spencer’s phone rang, and he picked it up, offering me an apologetic look. Once he hung up, he stood.

“I have to go,” he said.

“Hey, I get it. Work calls. It happens. Good luck.”

He smiled and went to leave, bidding me a goodbye. I gathered up all the courage I had and called out to him.

“Hey! Spencer?”

He turned around and tilted his head. “Yeah?”

“Can-can I gave your phone number?”

Spencer smiled and gestured to the pocket of my jacket. “It’s inside your pocket already.” With that, he left.

I dug in my pocket and pulled out a small piece of paper with a number and a heart scribbled on it. I found myself laughing to myself as I headed out of the coffee shop as well.

What a man he was. I really was just... wow. Something in my heart told me to go for it. That he could be the one. Maybe not, but it didn’t hurt to try. I was interested in him, and it was hard to ge then interested in me. At least, that’s what it felt like.

I show him out a text later on, letting him know I was free and that I didn’t work tomorrow so if he wanted to do anything, I was free. I eventually got a text back, saying that he was busy with his job, but we could totally spend time together when he got back.

I was a little disappointed, but I knew it would be worth the wait. I’d be willing to wait for Spencer Reid.