Fake it 'till you feel it.

She had a camouflage jacket on with the sleeves rolled up to just below her elbows. Her long blue hair crowned with a black paisley bandana, the bow at the front, tilted to the side. Her thick ray ban glasses seem to be over kill on the “I’m different” look that she is going for. Her blue lip stick matches her hair to the shade. The high wasted flared jeans that cut off just below her knees and flowery doc Martin boots scream the word “clichè”

for the first time in ages. You told me you never want people knowing anything about your life, but yet there seems to be alot on there that shows some of your life… like what you get up to with your friends, but nothing that you really get up to with me. your partner, and maybe its me being paranoid but is it so people dont know you moved on so fast and judge you? or is it so no one knows who i am at all and you can get away with things like last Wednesday all the time, or do you just like making me feel that im not as worthy as other people?

aaaaand this is why i avoid relationships. every promise eventually gets broken. now i aint gonna lie, i aint perfect. i’ve fucked up, and even in this relationship ive fucked up, but i wasnt the one that pushed and stressed how important straight up honesty was. no secrets.

now you have made me flip to a person i never knew i was. you made me put both of us in a situation i didnt want to put us in.

to paraphrase you, “secrets are the same as lies” by your logic. you are now the same as (or atleast as bad as) a liar.

i did something lastnight i knew you werent going to be okay with, but i told you about it before hand - and turns out it worked out okay as it was something that i really dont think is for me anymore - I thought you would have shown me the same courtesy.

i have no happy feeling about this weekend now. just trust issues and this big fucking hole where some form of feeling should be.

you hid us from him. now hid him from me and you think thats okay?

you KNEW this would damage us, you KNEW how strongly i would feel about it, so instead of just TALKING TO ME, you just decided to keep it a secret (or again, using your logic, lie to me)

i never had trust issues with you untill now. no matter the circumstances i dont ever not trust someone untill they give me a personal reason not to.

now i dont trust you.

my trust is rare. my trust is a mirror. once cracked, never the same. doubt will set in. paranoia will set in fear will set in. anger will set in.

i showed you all of me. i told you where my trust issues came from, and you did the same thing that put me in the fucking head space to begin with. you hid something you knew you shouldnt have.

CripplingAnxietyDepressionSelfHarmNotWorthAnythingEveryoneLeavesSuicidalTendanciesParanoiaSelfConciousFatUglyJunkieTrainwreckFeelsNothingFeelseverythingFailureWasteofspaceStupidInsecure Every thought that past through my mind in about 15 seconds. Trying to better yourself is hard when it’s your own mind and thoughts conspiraing against you. Trying to move forward and be a mentally sound human being is really fucking hard when your mind is every single emo track released between 2005 and 2009. Turning to people instead of a Stanley blade is hard when people prove time and time again that cutting is less painful than having your insecurities thrown back at you by people you trust. Growing up is a fucking challange.

About a year ago I started a blog on a site that I can’t remember called the life of a jealous boyfriend. I can’t really remember what the purpose of that blog was, might of just been to ramble shit or it might have served as some form of self help at the time. It’s funny to look back to a year ago and see how you change and grow as a person. I like to think I’ve grown, at least as an individual I have, the worrying part is if you throw another person into the mix will I still grow, or will I fall back to being the jealous person I was. I guess jealous is the wrong word seeing as jealous is wanting something that someone else has, I was more… protective maybe? Wanting to keep something that I had already. Something someone told me about two years ago has stuck in my head and will probably never leave, and that’s when you get into a relationship with someone, that person will either be your rock for the rest of your life, or possibly be the reason you break again. That’s a fucking scary thought, especially if you’re like me when it’s always for the long haul. People will come and go. People will always come and go. Some will come back time and time again and then one day they don’t come back and If that’s the case. Try not shed any tears, no one is worth tears. I guess all you can do is try see the light in everything. Even the darkest of days. Falling in love will bring you the sunniest of sunny days aswell as the darkest of dark days. Is it worth it? Only time and your gut can ever answer that. Always follow your gut. It will get you far.

Totally lost my point here eh. I hope I don’t fall back to being that jealous/protective dude I used to be. That wasn’t fun for anyone, but I hope I haven’t lost that fire I had inside and that passion. I just, for once in my fucking life would like to be in a healthy stable relationship.

I look back on my relationships over the past few years and it’s weird, one of them is married now. One has a kid, one is with someone who will be a millionaire by the time he is 19.

Then there’s me. The stepping stone on the way to better things.

You. Fucking, you. That went tits up before it started, gonna be honest and say that I knew this is what was going to happen, but what took me by suprise is how you made me realise we take the small things for granted. With whatever the fuck we were being just between your four walls, I miss the feeling of holding someones hand outside, I miss the feeling of being a bam in the shop and wrapping my arms around someone and blowing a raspberry on their neck as they look at something or slap their ass as they bend over.

Now all I have ever said since this started is that all I want is your happiness, with or without me. And I mean that, but fucking hell I hope you stand on a plug. I hope you bang your funny bone. I hope you stub your perfect fucking pinky toe off of a coffee table. But more than that. I hope that whoever is there with you as it happens laughs as you stand on a plug, rubs your pinky toe better and kisses your funny bone, and makes you happy, makes you happier than I did.

I fell head over heals for you so fast and so deeply that it feels like I’m still falling. But now I realise what’s at the end of that drop. Laying sideways on my bed for two days watching shit tv and feeling that horrible feeling where you honestly think it’s all pointless and shit, but at the end of those two days I’ll have to resurface and go back to work and reality and pray that the worst is behind me.

What I’m left with is a broken heart, a few photos, and a fucking tie dye hoody that I can’t bring myself to wear because it smells like you but can’t bring myself to wash because that fucking smell is the only thing that comforts me. I wore my heart on my sleeve with you and you ripped the goddamn shirt off my back. Now I get you didn’t do it on purpose, but that doesn’t make it feel any better.

I hope you get the life you told me about. I hope you make it to America, I hope you have your dog’s and kids. I hope you break the mould and achieve your dreams.

I’ll go back to dealing with things the way I normally do and turn everything off. You were the straw that broke the camels back. I’m done being nice for someone I’m in to. I’m done trying to make people happy. I’m done opening my mouth and saying the right thing to the wrong people and my fucking god I am DONE with that “look” I have. It’s not worth it as no one ever sees me as the same way I see them.

I just hope you’re happy, and I don’t mean that in the passive aggressive way that it sounds. I genuinely mean it. I hope you’re happy. With him, or by yourself.

When you asked me why you would give up four years if happiness with him for me, a junkie and a train wreck, that’s when I knew this was going to go nowhere. I aint worth throwing four years away for. Maybe I deserve this fucking feeling for getting involved with someone who had a partner.

Part of me hopes that when you see him all you think of is me. I hope it drives you mad. I hope that now you have walked away from this that when you see him it hits you and you remember every word you uttered to me or when I would wrap my arms around you or kiss your face and stomach about a million times in 30 seconds and I hope it eats you alive. I hope the thought of me when you are with him smashes through you like a brick through a window.

But when it’s all said and done…

I miss my cocoa butter kisses.

It’s weird to call someone “mine” especially when A) their not B) even when they are, they aren’t. No one belongs to anyone. But I can’t help it. Every inch of me belongs to you, and I’ll happily take even a milometer of you, or more. Or less. And here’s why…

When I look into your eyes, I see every single aspect of what I want in another human being. Not just a lover, but a life partner. A soul mate. When I open my mouth or take the passive as fuck route of going to tumblr to spew up my feels that 99.9% of the time I swear aren’t there. I run a risk. A risk of someone seeing how vulnerable I am. Something someone can then throw in my face, but your fucking eyes man, everytime I look into them I just wanna say all the things and feel all the feels. I wanna hold your hand. I wanna play with your hair, I wanna attempt to cook something fucking VEGAN for you. I wanna put my hands on your waist, rest my forehead against yours and stay there for the rest of my life. When I see you I see all the things that my future could hold, and I want them all. With you. I want my cocoa butter kisses. I want to cling to you like finding a lost guitar pick. I wanna lay on hills with you and watch the stars with you and wonder how on earth I was able to catch a shooting star. I wanna take times where we run away from humanity for a few days and spend time just me and you. I wanna be by your side and support you through all your dreams and endeavours. I wanna bring you ice cream when you’re sick. I want to be the one who deals with your mood swings when it’s THAT time of the month, and let you cling to me for warmth. I’ll deal with the cold feet on me when you want to warm up. I want to be old and gray and have you sitting tidying my dreads telling me it’s about time I learn to do it myself, after however long of me roping you into doing it for me. I want to see your smile when I wake up for the rest of my life, and I don’t care how gay or over the top that sounds. You make me happy. You make me feel like me again. You make me forget the outside world even exists, like its just me and you, and whats wrong with that? You don’t give me butterflies. You give me pterodactyls.