covered in syrup

they should just put random people’s faces on money

like when you get your picture taken at  the DMV there’s a chance you’re the 5 dollar bill now

a car goes full speed off a cliff and explodes at the bottom and when the smoke clears it's actually just perfectly parallel parked

Idk who Dream is but I, eager to upstage him, should do a cock and balls reveal

I'm handwash only do NOT put me in that fucking mashine

Middle aged dad in a recliner

not my itsy bitsy ass climbing up the water spout again

if i was harry from the british royal family i would just tweet "the queen died? thats too bad mines still alive though xoxo" with a picture of meghan markle and then turn my phone off

I truly hate the word "unalive." There are so many other euphemisms that fictional Italian mobsters worked so hard to provide you with and you just ignore them.

thank god I can finally experience what it was like to be a cabinet member when the Reynolds Pamphlet was published