VyceVictus

Hey, You. You better read this opening paragraph. I didn't take 2 days out of my Christmas Vycation/wife fuckin schedule for you to just gloss over all this true-true I'm about to spit. Welcome to the last annual National Board With A Nail In It 2015 Smorgasbord Extravaganza Orgy Year- End Review. There was so much media to enjoy in 2015 that I couldn't possibly/am too lazy to rank them all in definitive order. As such, instead of a simple Top 10, I'll have a few specific categories with a pool of nominees to chose from. Additionally, I'll acknowledge certain achievements with their own unique award category. We even got some special guest artwork and shit! If after reading this review, you feel there is something I missed out on or got completely wrong, please feel free to lambaste me in the notes, upon which I shall reply by cussing you out and maybe calling you the N-word; all in the name of equality and free speech. On with the awards.

The first award is one directly requested by the BMD community. Make no mistake, this might be some jokey/schlocky awards parody to you, but I thought long and hard about this and every other category. The nominees for Best Face Stabbing are:

Redeemer- Fisherman's Friend The Gunman- The Sean Pennultimatum Kingsman- Matthew 18:9

And the winner is...Crimson Peak- Low-Key Savagery.

I see I've lost some of you already. Let me just say, that great as it is to see a brutal visceral knife kill in an action movie, sometimes its even more affecting when occurs in film where you least expect it. Crimson Peak has its fair share of problems, but I think more than anything the marketing killed it. And I'm not just talking about Del Toro's "it's not a horror movie" refrain; if there was an inkling of presumption that this "love story with ghosts" was in fact a “period piece murder mystery Victorian cosplay re-imagining of The Shining", it might have gotten far more traction. As it stands, the final act turns into a bloody riot that you aren't quite ready for, hinged upon a disturbing face-stabbing for the ages. As Britt Hayes decreed, "may Mia Wasikowska and Jessica Chastain chase each other with knives through the Gothic corridors of our hearts forever and ever amen".

From there, lets go straight to the big one. The nominees for Best Ass-Whooping are:

Kingsman- Sir Banastre Tarleton Rides Again Mad Max: Fury Road- One Armed Ass-Whooping contest Spy- Kitchen Fightmare Creed- One Step, One Punch, One Take At a Time Spectre- Bleeding Railroad

And the winner is...Kingsman!

Did I win some of you back or am I even further in the hole now? There are certain fight sequences that become iconic, burning their mark into our collective memory and the body of cinema.  While it's difficult to see the future, it's safe to say that nothing quite like Kingsman has ever been displayed before. But its no just the extremity of the gratuitous violence that makes it stand out, its the not-so-subtle play on our expectations and emotions as movie fans, confronting us with the question of “is this what we really want”. That all said, any one of these sequences could justifiably earn the title,  its great to see there is still great choreography in Hollywood movies despite the over-reliance on CGI and how watered down things might seem to have been over the past decade.

Alright, lets turn this the way up. I'm goin for the jugular with this category, its about to get bloody. The word “controversial” doesn't begin to cover the magnitude of whats about to transpire. Commenters are gonna come to blows over this next category. They might even fire my black ass from Birth.Movies.Death for this one. Fuck it, yall geekers said yall want it so im choppin up tha hard. The streets demand it. The award for Best Animated Feature goes to:

…......Shaun The Muthafuckin Sheep. A battle hardened warrior scholar once opined that if anyone in your crew doesn't have anything good to say about Toy Story 3, then you need to bust they head open on a fire hydrant because that individual is very clearly not down for the cause. He will neither ride nor die, but just be a fair-weather stow-away who will not hold you down when things get real, when its time to catch a charge or a bullet for his kin. That exact same metric applies to anyone who would dare bring slander upon the illustrious Shaun The Muthafuckin Sheep and his crew down for the daring-do.

Shaun The Sheep is a real hero who will do any and everything for his family down to the end. This film provides the positive, meaningful messages and warmth that are sorely lacking in so many ADHD CGI spazzfests made to pacify children. It effortlessly features more diversity than most other feature films out now without calling attention to it. The cast is packed with talent who miraculously pull off simultaneous great voice acting and silent movie performances. And..well, you know the alternate version of Fury Road that George Miller wanted to release as a silent movie adventure? The folks at Aardman Animation studios basically took his Babe: Pig in the City and Fury Road concepts and brought that idea to life in claymation.

And I'm just gonna say it; it is indeed great that a little girl's emotional happiness is established as the grand stakes of a children's adventure, but maybe she need to stop all that goddamn cryin and realize how good she really got it compared to the bums down the street from her expensive house in one of the most spectacular cities in America. As well, Charlie Kaufman and the fantastic artists at Starburns studios have crafted a deeply honest and contemplative portrait of humanity. But I swear to christ if I have to sit through one more goddamn sappy quirky movie about a put-upon well-to-do white man going through some kind of existential late life crisis, I'm gonna eat my M-4 ammo with some Sweet baby Ray's on the side. That's how I really feel. Alright, now that I've said my piece on the matter, lets move on to brighter territory.

Movie That Broke My Spirit And Destroyed  All Faith In The Rule Of Law: Sicario I see/hear a lot of critics mention this word when talking about dramas, but Sicario is one of the few movies that truly haunted me; viewing it it was an engrossing yet disturbing experience, and it occupied my thoughts days and week afterwards. While crime/narco stories aren't anything new, I was stunned by the barefaced incorporation of a modern black-ops story into the Neo-Noir proceedings. Sicario presents a definitive link-analysis between the war on drugs, the war on terror, and the death of due process.  As a service member, I have to accept the responsibility in my role that supports military efforts which sometimes visit fear and death upon undeserving civilians, collateral casualties  in the fight for peace, stability and our national interests. It shakes me to know how easily that power can be visited upon people -my people and neighbors- back at home. However, is this perhaps part of some cosmic balance? Am I doomed to live in fear of the same war machine that I have been a part of ? I dread pondering the answers to such questions, and few other films have trudged up those deep-buried feelings like Sicario has.

Movie That Rekindled My Spirit And Affirmed  My Faith In The Rule Of Law: Peace officer Peace officer is an eye opening and deathly relevant look into police militarization, but the story is not told with scathing commentary or via the controversial hot take of a firebrand director.  Instead, the story is framed through calm and collected observations and actions of former police chief William “Dub” Lawrence, whose son-in law was killed in an armed standoff by the very SWAT organization he created 30 years prior. Dub is a most honorable man and a master criminal investigator, and through the investigations of the police shootings of his son and other victims, the film makes evident how the abandonment of the ethos to maintain the peace and serve the public trust in favor of drug bust quotas directly results in the ongoing loss of innocent lives. Sadly, justice for the victims of the shootings is never delivered. Despite these travesties, Dub earns a hard earned victory and helps get a Utah state law passed designed to make transparent and accountable the deployment of SWAT teams. If there is even one person alive who fights for justice and equality, then you can never truly say justice and good does not exist. Peace Officer, in all its somber proceedings, still manages to inspire hope that people can make a difference and achieve victory over even the most overwhelming obstacles.

Most Fun Movie Featuring Abortion: Grandma When I saw the trailer for this movie, I was cynically expecting another indie quirkfest full of unrealistic caricatures and heavy handed preaching. 5 minutes into the movie and I realize how embarrassingly wrong my presumption was. Grandma has as many moments of gut-busting hilarious comedy as it does heart breaking drama. I haven't been familiar with Lily Tomlin's work in the past, but she gives a fantastically memorable knock out performance here that has me wanting to research her work that I have missed out on all these years. She's not a sitcom-level cranky old woman, her flaws and foibles are realistically explored thanks to awesome supporting performances from Sam Elliot, Judy Greer, and Marcia Gay Harden. I honestly think grandma might be the best non-animated family movie of the year. It also earns the award for best road trip adventure movie about women breaking the shackles of breeding with a badass old lady fightin the patriarchy that isnt called Mad Max.

Most NOT-Fun Movie Featuring Abortion: The Tribe Of all the experimental/obtuse art house movies I've seen this year to test the levels of my intelligence (and confirm my levels of idiocy), The Tribe might be the most immediately engaging. Its challenging in all kids of ways, from the immediate language barrier to one of the years most sad and disturbing scenes. Its easy to dismiss The Tribe as exploitative, and though I wasn't quite as moved by it as other critics who sang it's praises, its original take on some issues common to all youth is unlike anything else and definitely worth checking out. But hey, if you're not up for it, you can check out the other Tribe movie about delinquent youth that's nigh impossible to comprehend without subtitles. 2015 was bountiful in its cinematic riches.

Moving into some other media, the Board With A Nail In It Carpal Tunnel-Inducing Video game Of The Year goes to: Bloodborne

Speaking of haunting shit...goddamn this game is amazing. I'll say right out that I never liked Dark Souls with its bullshit manufactured difficulty (any complicated device is difficult if it doesn't come with a damn instruction manual), but From Software trimmed away all the RPG excesses of their previous games to make one lean and lethal action experience that became the first true "must-own" game for the next generation of consoles. The expertly tuned mechanics are in service of an ominous and engrossing Gothic landscape, but what sets it apart from any other survival horror/hack & slash setting is its deep dive into Lovecraftian Eldritch horrors. I've said before that I was never a fan of Lovecraft, but it finally clicked for me with Bloodborne. More than just being vaguely terrifying and telling you that enemies are "so scary you cant even imagine", Bloodborne shows you by putting  great imagination and painstaking detail  into every warped and putrid creature you encounter, from the infected townsfolk to gigantic grotesque cosmic beings you can barely describe. Taking on Bloodborne is a savagely brutal yet pristinely equitable experience. The inconceivability of cosmic horror make its existence concretely comprehensible vis a vis how bad everything can fuck your shit up. However, you the Hunter are also a dangerous entity that prowls the darkness, so go forth upon your great adventure armed with a slew of savagely effective weapons and the only truth, Eldritch or otherwise, you'll ever need to know: If It Bleeds, You Can Kill It.

We're coming around to the end now, folks. In all sincerity, I still cannot say what the best movie of the year is. Too many of them have resonated too strongly with specific facets of my psyche for me to try and exalt one above the many others. I originally planned on breaking this last award into two complimentary categories. However, due to my editor’s guidance, I’ll save one of those categories for another article in the near future. For now, For this particular Tumblr post, The Wining It All In 2015 Award goes to: Women!

As I've stated before, my love for movies comes from the opportunity they give us to see the world through different eyes, to share in experiences that are unique to each person as well as those that are common to all people. In this regard, I've always been fascinated by stories featuring women as the central characters. This year brought a wealth of films with female leads which have garnered critical acclaim and box office success. Whether it be an Irish immigrant torn between two worlds, two women harboring a love that can never be, a young Scandinavian teen whose burgeoning sexuality/lycanthropy equally horrifies the conservative town folk (muthafuckin werewolves), or even a young abandoned loner in a galaxy far away who becomes swept up in an adventure with living legends and new friends; all these stories showcase the very best of what movies can offer. I hope that the this trend of female lead stories will continue, and I hope that female talent behind the cameras continues to enrich our cultural perspective.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this concludes the last annual National Board With A Nail In It 2015 Smorgasbord Extravaganza Orgy Year- End Review. Before we depart, I want to give a very special shout out to my new friend and fellow Birth.Movies.Death commenter Lilgreenman, who provided us with the wonderful award design and supporting art. For as long as this article has been, there's a lot more I wanted to get to regarding media in 2015 that I just couldn't fit in. Feel free to ask me about any other Board With A Nail In it media categories; best musical album, best comic book, best podcast that isn't the Birthcast Moviecast Deathcast, best on screen blowjob...anything! I look forward to all your comments.  

The National Board With a Nail Best Online and IRL Community Forever goes to: YOU!!