Wolfe Gypsy

Me: it’s okay, I’m okay. Idc about this.

*five minutes later*

Me: *disassociating*

what it’s actually like: what the hell even caused my ptsd i can’t remember? what happened to me? i haven’t showered in 6 days and my nightmares literally chain me to my bed or i’m scared to sleep at night, even with a partner or cuddling a pet i still get nightmares that are completely unrelated to my trauma what was i even doing just now? what happened yesterday? feeling so numb for weeks that when you finally cry it never lasts as long as you need it to. did this person hurt me and i can’t remember or is this just my trust issues? heart pounding at the grocery store, in bed, while eating, when i wake up can’t concentrate for shit or paranoid cleaning for 5 hours straight. so many blank periods…wonder which trauma this trigger is from! gee wish i could fucking remember but my martyr brain wants to protect me, so how the fuck am i gonna work through this in therapy, not to mention when trauma therapists are rare and few, let alone one that works with my insurance or me personally. another nightmare regarding something that didn’t even happen? or did it? high alert and hostile because did it happen and i can’t trust even my own memories? i’m so tired but can’t/don’t want to sleep

This is driving me absolutely insane with rage, monsters who use violence and abuse to relieve their sick urges on your child body and soul deserve absolutely no respect or obedience, they deserve to be shown they’re absolute trash and be flushed down the toilet, but instead, you’re forced to act as if they’re your masters, you’re forced to bow your head down to them, to do as you’re told, and all while keeping a respectful attitude and keeping your mouth shut, just what fucking human being could go thru this without going insane? Who could bear this without developing severe issues with justice, trust, faith, belief in any higher good or any hope in life at all?