･ﾟ･☆✧ speed skidmarks ✧☆･ﾟ･

and also a good year, because i'm about to move into an apartment after spending 2 months in a hotel since bro got killed. i will thank him every day because him allowing that literally made me stack enough money before he died, so i could afford this hotel and now this apartment that is only a couple weeks away. and i literally just bought the latest razer blade 16 with the highest possible specs lol. $5k computer anyone? it's my dream lappy lol... probably the ONLY good news i have for the year. the rest of it is garbage.

this weekend i can explore this new ass pc. its so fast and so fun so far. coming from a 15 year old dell inspiron i tried to breathe life into with a new ssd before the house burnt down, i'd say this thing is a huuuuge massive upgrade lol. highest end graphics and processor... maybe it brings a little purpose to my life again after a craptastic year lol. time to look into going back to school, which was the motivator for this machine haha. and a quiet apartment to study in. an apartment away from everyone finally finally FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY.

im just unstable and have a hard time keeping in touch with anyone. i think trust is an issue as i have learned i can't trust anyone and the last 10 years have taught me that. i also think i'm probably mentally ill or something i guess maybe lol. maintaining relationships with people is very exhausting for me.

i normally upset people (friends lol) in one way or another unintentionally. when that happens, it drains everything from my soul. i just have no energy in general. i never MEAN to do what upsets people. i generally tend to keep my distance out of pure exhaustion, 0 energy, trust issues and fear (not scared fear, just the "fear" of fucking up again. idk what better word to use besides fear ig).

it's challenging to maintain friendships in general for me. it's not you, or literally anyone else. if you know my other past friends/are friends with them, or know friends have tried to interact with me, you'll see the same thing. i just never get around to responding.

life being so difficult also makes it hard for me. being suicidal also makes it hard for me. being misunderstood by pretty much everyone on the planet and having this insane sense of like, nonbelonging and existential suffering also makes it hard. add that to the no energy and no trust thing, on TOP of all my fucking traumatic experiences the last 6 years, i just can't find it in me to keep disappointing people i love. my friends. even though in all reality, i don't have any friends. lol.

i think of the people of my past that i adore as friends in the sense that i love them and WISH i could talk and maintain our friendship. i just can't.

it's me who is the problem. not anyone else. please don't feel that way. it really is me. i wish nothing more than to be able to have friends. i feel alone all the time. i don't have family. literally none. i bum off my boyfriend and the only reason i can handle him is because he kind of forces me to. he forces me out. he forces me to be a human.

the only reason i let him force me into existing as a person is because 1. i love him and 2. we fuck. 3. he's the only support system i have. literally. lmao. even then, i need to get away from him at times or just not talk.

i don't enjoy existing. life is hell. it's CONSTANTLY hell to me and i think about it every single day. i hate extending my 24/7 negativity, dullness, lack of energy and exhaustion onto the next person. even my boyfriend can't handle it at times. i can barely function. i can't do anything i used to enjoy. i'm severely depressed.

having friends is a luxury that i am honest to god not worthy for. i have meltdowns monthly, sometimes weekly. i have tried to commit suicide so many times it's kind of stupid. one of these days it will actually happen no takebacksies.

why have friends? to experience that? to experience me as a person? to experience an eventual suicide that WILL happen? to experience me dipping in and out, sometimes contacting you and disappearing again, leaving you disappointed and playing with your feelings and our relationship?

i hate hurting people. people hurt me. i know what it's like.

i decided no friends and no family is the best option. especially for when i kill myself, whenever that happens.

i don't know how to put the rest of my feelings into words. me not having friends though is better for the both of us. i know i don't offer anything of value, i don't benefit ANYONE'S life. i am miserable. i am also a terrible, terrible friend. the last time i trusted friends in person as well, i was shown exactly why i will never be shit and can't trust people in the first place anyway.

i usually am just a third wheel to people's friendships anyway.

idk. best explanation i could give. chances are if you're currently someone who is wondering why we don't talk, or why i disappeared on you — i do want to be your friend. i do think about you because i think about a lot of friends i wish i could be friends with.

i just can't. my brain won't let me and i am not a good friend anyway.

thanks for checking in. i am barely on here but i felt the need to explain myself.