Wandering Mind

I hate how easily annoyed I get.

I hate how I want someone to love me even though I can’t even love myself.

I hate craving for something I know I’ll never have.

I hate being jealous over others for being happy.

I hate remembering all my mistakes and failures.

I hate being compared to other people.

I hate convincing myself that I’m fine when I’m not.

I hate staying up all night drowning in my own mind.

I hate not being able to express how I really feel.

I hate how lost I am.

I hate how hopeless I am.

I hate how I can’t see myself having a bright future.

I hate not being able to see the meaning in life anymore.

I hate that I’m slowly but surely giving up.

I want to fall in love with someone again. I want to experience that feeling where you become happy just by seeing that person. Seeing him smile, hearing his voice... the way he’ll say my name and I’ll just feel all fluffy inside. I want to feel shy whenever he’s talking to me. Where I’ll have to avert my eyes just so I could avoid eye contact cause I’ll get scared that he’ll see through my eyes and figure out how much I like him, how much I yearn for him to be mine. I want to stare at him secretly and hoping he’ll look at me too. And if he ever finds me staring, he’ll stare right back and smile at me. I want to feel all jealous again. Be it trivial or stupid things. Then he will notice and will make fun of me. Telling me how stupid it is to feel that way and will re-assure me that there’s only me in his eyes. I want those late night talks with him. Whatever topics we can have. I want to know everything there is to know about him. His favorite music, color, food. He would listen to all my rants just as I will listen to his.

Hey so.... Things aren’t going so well.

So... Never thought I’d post here again. But well I just thought it’s such a waste to let my blog just die right? Haha so here I am.

So much had actually happened during 2018. And lets just say its one of the worst years I’ve had. (Will talk about it in a different post... probably hehe)

But my 2019 isn’t actually off to a good start. It’s not bad but also not great. It’s right around the boundary to be exact. And walking a very thin line leaning towards the ‘not so great’ place.

You know, I’m really really trying. But I don’t know. Everything is just so messed up. My life is messed up.

I don’t have a place in this world. My home doesn’t feel home. My parents are fucking bullshit. A foolish and disgusting idea to even call them that. Now they think I’m turning into this monster just for telling what I feel. Oh and take note that one of them wanted to kill me. Haha oh I wouldn’t stop you sweetie. In fact I’d be glad! I won’t have to deal with this stupid life! I also think it would make for a great story! Parents killed their own son simply because they couldn’t handle his honesty. Because expressing how you feel is not allowed in the family. Yeah they know it all. They’re parents! They know what’s fucking best for me. Fuck you. You don’t even know me. I should’ve endured my previous work so that I could save enough and move out of this forsaken place. It’s suffocating.

The answer is no. I don’t. Not to be bitter and all but, it sounds silly. As much as I want to... In fact there was a time that I was hoping for it. I even wished for it every single night. I wanted it to be you... And it hurt so bad when I realized that will never be the case. 

Before you think that I’m an ungrateful person for not cherishing my life more, let me just explain to you that my life simply has NO significance whatsoever. I’m 100% sure that I’m pretty much worthless. I even think of myself as a horrible person. Yes. I’m actually a very bad person. 

I’ve done many things that can be considered as a ‘one way ticket’ to hell. And even if I did have some good in me, the bad ones would always stand out among the rest. My whole existence is a big fat joke (double meaning yes.) 

Oh and me being Gay doesn’t really help at all. Because just realizing this makes me think if someone out there is really meant for me. I mean seriously right? I’m not stupid or dumb enough to believe that someday I’ll find my prince charming. (Ugh cringe). I did fall in love. It was very magical as some of them might say. But I guess I’m just a side character who most like doesn’t deserve a happy ending.

And just to make things clear? I don’t want to take  a risk on another straight guy cause believe me, that shit fucked me up. (Even now I’m still fucked up)

Me being a compulsive liar is also something to point out. But in my defense. I lie to protect myself. It’s the only way for me to hide my feelings. I couldn’t even be honest with myself. Pathetic right? yeah i know. And to be fair, No one really listens to me. People find lies more interesting than the truth itself anyway. 

I also judge people. Yes and I find it very fun. It feels good to have someone to ridicule. Or someone beneath you. Yeah what an asshole right? Haha 

I could talk to you normally, without trying so hard to come up with something to say

I could look at you normally, without wanting you to look at me with the same feelings I had for you.

I could smile and laugh with you normally, without feeling happy and satisfied.

It’s not your fault... nor mine. But I won’t say we’re both completely innocent. You made me feel something. And I held on to that ‘something’.