Heavy Lies The Crown

I feel like I’m at the point in my life where I understand most things. The concept of humanity and how of a shit creature we truly are.

Life is absurd and life is unfair and yet I am still disappointed when I am faced with a true example of this. Theoretically I am aware, it looks like I am not emotionally built to withstand it.

I am deeply hurt when this is coming from the people I love. The continuous deceit, selfishness and manipulation. Growing up, I am free to voice out how I feel but that doesn’t mean I will be heard - I was never heard.. until now. 

It doesn’t matter even if I became older with wisdom. My battle scars doesn’t prove anything either. The frequency where my voice sits in will never be heard and this pains me so dearly whenever I think of that.

I will never get what I deserve, emotionally. Things that are outside of my control but somebody else’s.. I only have the power to fix myself and impress myself. This existence won’t matter to anybody even when I’m gone.

I hate the feeling of solitude. Being surrounded by vacuum. Screaming silently where sound does not exist and no one could hear you suffering in silence, longing for someone to be there for you. Perhaps I'm expecting too much.

Then I realized I've always survived being alone. Being an island without an ocean. Being an earth without its sun. Being a kanin without an ulam.

It hasn’t been exactly easy lately. It’s like being caught in a violent whirlwind.

One day I’ll be extremely happy, drowning in the next second, dying the next. I’ll find myself alive again and then drown. I can’t even express it well enough.

But most of the time, I just want to come home.. To wherever I really came from. The void, the stars, or nothingness.