dying is easy, young man, living is harder

The kiss was like liquid fire, burning with passion and left you needing more. Your arms wrapped around his neck as his arms snaked around your waist. He tugged you closer, eliminating any distance that existed between you two. There was kiss after kiss after kiss, and it wasn’t long before your tongues made their way to greeting each other. 

His hands trailed down your lower back and rested on your ass, squeezing gently, resulting in him drawing a small moan from you.

“You’re incredible.” He groaned during a quick break to catch your breath. You smiled and attached your lips together once again, melting into him. 

Everything was perfect.

Not breaking the kiss for a moment, he stumbled the both of you over to a wall, pinning you against it. You gasped into the kiss when you felt his hard member press up against your thigh. 

“Shit, D.” You whispered, loving the way he made you feel.

“Fuck, Y/N, Jump.” You did what you were told and soon your weight was being supported by his arms and the wall. Your legs were wrapped around his waist as you continued to make out.

You lightly grinded your against his dick, moaning lightly while doing so.

“Holy shit.” He let out a low, almost inaudible, groan into your ear. 

Both of you had forgotten where you were at but were soon reminded when there was knock on the door. 

Your eyes had shot open as Daveed hurriedly put you down and you rushed to make it look like you were fixing his mic. Although you were still panting from the heated makeout session the two of you just had.

“Yeah?” You called, your voice hoarse and raspy from the kiss. Daveed smirked when you cleared your throat to call out more clearly. 

“Help?” The door had opened to reveal Anthony with a broken hair elastic. 

“Uh, yeah, sure.” You let out a loose laugh, still panting slightly. Your mind was still frazzled from the kiss. 

You took your hands off of Daveed’s mic, looking him in the eye before you started to walk towards Anthony, sliding an elastic off your arm and tying up his hair into a low ponytail.

“Okay, you’re set.” You smiled at Anthony, secretly mad at him for breaking your intimate moment with Daveed.

“Everyone’s chilling in the main room, you guys coming?” Anthony questioned. 

You mentally cursed, knowing that you wouldn’t have a moment alone with Daveed for a full two hours. 

“Sure.” You followed him out of the dressing room, Daveed trailing behind. 

“Y/N, are you okay? You seem flustered!” Pippa came to greet you. 

“Y-yeah, it’s just hot.” I made up an excuse.

“Y/N, it’s like seventy-eight degrees.” Anthony commented.

“Well-”

“And what’s with you Diggs? You’re way too quiet right now, earlier you couldn’t keep your mouth shut.” Anthony turned to his close friend.

“I- Uh,” Daveed began, stuttering on any word that found its way out of his mouth.

“Ooh-Hoo! What happened back there?” Anthony teased us in front of the rest of the cast.

“Nothing.” Daveed and I said in unison. 

I facepalmed as the rest of the cast whistled and started to make innuendos.

“Places!” The stage manager called. Everyone scattered to get to where they needed. I let out a breath of relief before plopping myself onto the couch, closing my eyes.

“Don’t get too comfy, I’ll need more mic help later.” Daveed whispered into my ear before walking off like nothing happened. 

“I’m so what? What else can you possibly say that could make me feel even further from you than I am right now?” My eyes burned from holding in tears but I refused to cry.

“You know what? I’m done. Go ahead and leave. See if I care.” He turned around and slammed the door on his way out.

A fuse went out in my brain leading to an explosion in my heart.

I lost him. I lost Anthony Ramos. I lost the love of my life.

–

A week passed by and Anthony wasn’t talking to me at all.

He wouldn’t even look at me when I passed by or when we did scenes together and it was making my job a hundred times harder.

I had portrayed Eliza as a swing for the past two days since Pippa was out cold and on voice rest and the scenes with Anthony were insufferable. He did amazing at acting like nothing happened on stage but his eyes had some kind of a glaze over it. Whenever he had to look at me, there was something steaming in the back of his mind. The worst part of the whole thing was during his death scene when I went to touch him and he flinched. He couldn’t even bare my touch.

Everything about the show became draining and I no longer felt as if I held a place.

“Lin?” I tapped on his dressing room.

“Y/N! You did wonderful tonight! Thank you for swinging in for Pippa, you play a great Eliza, even I thought those tears were real. Mind blowing performance.” He praised me as he reached out for a hug, which I reciprocated.

“I think.. I think I made my decision.” I fumbled with my shirt.

“Oh, what is it? I support you one-hundred percent either way.” He shot me a reassuring look.

“I think I’m going to leave.”

-

Word had gotten around fast, and I had multiple interviews and magazine articles out about it. The last two weeks were such a blur. I had started to pack already and I had my goodbye party, to which Anthony did not accompany.

Before I knew it we were done taking the cast picture and it was time for my final bow.

“Thank you so much.” I said as tears ran down my face and Lin patted me on the shoulder after I had bowed one last time. The feeling was surreal. I never thought I’d ever be saying goodbye to Hamilton but it was time. The moment you feel your job sucking the life out of you instead of putting it in you, is when it’s time to stop and I guess in that sense it was a smart move, but the idiotic and worst part of it all was that I was leaving based on a stupid argument.

If Anthony just told me to stay, I would tell Lin it was all a mistake and I’d stay. If Anthony just talked to me, I’d stay. But seeing him, performing with him, hearing him sing, was too painful to even try. My heart was freshly broken and I needed the wound to air out.

“Thank you all.” I said once more before the lights dimmed and I walked off stage, one last time.

When we all got backstage, everyone enveloped me into a hug.

A chorus of different sentimental sayings was said as I looked around to see if Anthony was in the hug.

He wasn’t.

“Alright guys, I’m gonna go change out of this costume for the last time. I’ll come back out after.” I smiled, tears still running down my face.

I changed out of my outfit for the last time and changed into my clothes. I stared at the costume on the hangers for a good ten seconds before I started bawling. I heard a knock and murmured a small ‘come in.’

Part of me wished it was Anthony coming in to tell me to stay, that he needed me here, that he couldn’t let me go.

“Aw, Y/N, it’s okay.” Instead of Anthony, it was Daveed who pulled me into a hug.

“I’m going to miss all of this so much. I’m so sorry I’m leaving all of you. Fuck-”

“Y/N, we’re happy for you. Just promise me you’ll kick ass wherever you’ll end up. And keep in touch.” He smiled and pulled out of the hug before we headed down to see everyone.

I took pictures with seemed like everyone and everything. I started to load everything into my car that had been in my dressing room. I stared at my side of the dressing room and how empty it was. I admired the walls as I remembered everything that happened within them. All the memories, all the good times, all the bad times, they all happened in this very room. I sighed and turned off the light and walked around the rest of the theatre.

Finally, it was time for my final goodbye.

I took a deep breath before knocking.

“Come in.” His voice still had the same effect on me.

“Hey,” My voice was shaky and weak, “I came to say goodbye.” He still wouldn’t look me in the eye. I waited for a response only for my hopes to fall short.

“Well, I’m sorry for all the inconveniences I’ve caused. Maybe this place will have a better swing than me.” I cracked a light joke to hide the fact that I was starting to break in front of him.

“Okay well, I have to run, um, I gotta get all my stuff back to my place. Goodnight.” I started to head out the door.

“Y/N,” My heart skipped a beat. That was the first time he said my name in two weeks. I turned around instantly, hoping he would tell me to stay. I needed him to tell me to stay.

“Goodbye.” He said quietly before turning back to whatever he was doing. I could’ve sworn I heard his voice crack in hesitation but there was no use.