Voicemails From Peter Parker

Voicemail #74

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

Today another reporter asked me how old I was and I literally said I was 37 years old due to absolute panic. And he was like, “You sound kind of young to be 37”, and I was like, “Well, I am”, but then he pulled out these photos of me in the suit next to school and was like, “You seem to hang around Midtown High quite a lot”. And it was all so stressful that I ended up saying, “I enjoy looking at children” which might have been the worst possible answer. 

It took Happy a good forty minutes to persuade the news company not to run the story about how Spider-Man is preying on the children of New York.

Voicemail #73

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

The other day, Ned came up to me while we were eating lunch and was like, “Hey, Peter, can I ask you a big favor?” 

And I was like, “Sure, dude,” and he went, “Okay, so I know you don’t like to profit off the whole Spider-Man thing but my uncle’s business is having some financial troubles and I hate to ask this but could Spider-Man pose in some ads to get business up?”

So I was like, “Bro, I’ll do whatever ads your uncle needs”.

And he really did take my word for it because- though, this may be my fault for not asking what type of business his uncle ran- there’s some wonderful posters hanging around 173rd street for a medical deodorant brand with the slogan “Spider-Man has sweat stains too!”

Voicemail #72

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

A little girl called me “miss” today after I saved her from being run over by a reckless driver and now I’m trying to figure out how to get Karen to lower my voice without having me sound like the demon thing that I become in interrogation mode.

Voicemail #71

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

May thinks the reason I still call you is for sentimental stuff, like, so I can hear your voice when you ask to leave a voicemail or something. And maybe it would be if your recording didn’t say, “I’m a busy biatch, leave a voicemail and I won’t respond”.

Voicemail #70

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

The first week of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory rehearsals have started and Ned’s really into his role. And I mean really into it. He decided to do something called “method acting”, which means he acts like Willy Wonka all the time. So, like, when we’re ordering food on the phone, and when he’s talking to girls, and when we’re presenting in Spanish class. He wears the hat and everything! In the beginning, I thought it would be a bad idea, but Ned sorta becomes super confident when he’s doing it and that’s pretty cool. The only thing is, he’s been trying to convince me to try it too- but I told him I would rather die than pretend to be an Oompa Loompa in public.

Voicemail #69

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

For english homework tonight, I have to find a quote by my personal hero. Obviously, I picked you, Mr. Stark, but the thing is, I can’t just write down something you randomly said to me one time- like “Peter, you’re so dumb for sneaking onto this alien spaceship with me even though I totally need backup and you’re awesome” or “Peter, I’m proud of you even if you do a ton of things behind my back because it’s for the greater good” because nobody knows you said things like that but me. So I googled ‘tony stark quotes’ but a lot of cheesy words of wisdom came up that sounded like script writers and not you at all. And, honestly, I didn’t think they would do you justice. So I did a little digging and I think I got it. I found a video of you saying that your biggest regret about the Iron Man suit was not giving it a transparent helmet so the enemy could see your “flawless face as they were being pummeled”. And I feel like it captured your spirit more than anything. 

I’ll be presenting it in class tomorrow!

Voicemail #68

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

It’s Halloween! My favorite time of the year because I can go around in my suit without looking like the only weirdo in spandex. Actually, today was a bit of a close call though. I had the idea to wear my suit under my clothes to school so I could start my patrol immediately after the last bell rang. There’s a lot of little kids on the streets today and I wanted to make sure they were safe, y’know? 

But during science class, Flash accidentally bumped into me and the chemicals I was holding spilled all over my shirt. It totally wasn’t an accident ‘cause Flash is a jerk and the chemicals burned right through the fabric— exposing my suit underneath. I sucked in a really loud breath because, one, the chemicals were kinda burning my hands and, two, everyone could totally see my suit. The entire class kinda stared at me for a second in confusion— Ned’s mouth was a complete o— but then Flash was like, “Dude, are you doing the costume contest too?” 

And I had no idea what he was talking about but it was either saying “yes” or being like, “haha, no I’m Spider-Man”. So I said, “Uh... yeah.” 

And Flash unzipped his hoodie and, voilà, guess what he was wearing? A SPIDER-MAN SUIT! He told me, “My mother has connections with a worldclass superhero suit maker”. Flash acted like he was whispering but literally the entire class could hear him. He fake whispered, “I heard that my suit was made by the same person who made the suit for Spider-Man himself.” I wanted to tell him that, unless his mom also knew how to make you come back from the dead, I highly doubted that, but I instead was just like, “Nice.”

Flash told me, “May the best Spider-Man win. Which, of course, we both know will be me,” before strutting away. So right before school ended, I went to the costume contest with Ned and entered my name. The whole class heard me say I would, so I really had no choice.

Honestly, it was just a stupid contest. They weren’t even real judges, just art teachers, y’know? I mean, c’mon, they didn’t know what they were talking about.

Yeah, anyway, Flash’s suit won first place.

Voicemail #67

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

Hey, Mr. Stark. Guess what? I auditioned for a musical. May said I should join some more activities after school— do things that normal high schoolers do. I told her, “I do academic decathlon… and fight crime and stuff. Those are after school activities.” 

She said, “Do things that normal high schoolers do. Something cool and fun and not super dangerous.” I mean, she’s right, academic decathlon has been pretty dangerous in the past, if I’m being honest.  

Plus, it sounded kind of fun— the musical. I mean, I feel like sometimes I get so caught up being Spider-Man, I forget to be Peter Parker. So I called Ned and was like, “Dude, let’s audition for the musical.” He asked me what it was this year and I told him, “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I think”.

He was like, “No way, dude. They’ll make me an Oompa Loompa.”

“So?” I said, “Oompa Loompas aren’t even bad. Everybody loves them.” That was a complete lie ‘cause they’re annoying as heck, but I didn’t want to say that, y’know?

“They’re the worst,” Ned said, but he agreed to audition with me. After I promised that I’d let him borrow my mask so he could look through the coding. 

I texted MJ too and asked her if she wanted to audition with me and Ned. She texted back, “hell no”, which kinda sucked but then she added: “I’ll be stage crew though” and I sent her a little smiley face. 

The audition wasn’t great. Mr. Dell’s face was a permanent grimace the entire time. I mean, I can’t sing. Or dance. Ned says I can act, though. “It makes sense,” he said, “you practically lie about who you are for half the day.” 

“I don’t lie,” I told him. “It’s called having a secret identity.”

We got our roles today. You’ll never believe this— Ned got Willy Wonka! His audition actually quite good, now that I think about it, and I’m very excited to see him with a top hat and cane. That’s peak entertainment. 

Now, my role, on the other hand. I got Oompa Loompa #6. Not even for #1 or #2. #6. “I thought you’d shine in this role,” Mr. Dell said when he handed me my part.

I asked, “You did?” and he said, “Yeah, you’re pretty small and you give off Oompa Loompa vibes, if you know what I mean.” 

Ned tried to cheer me up by saying, “Hey, everybody loves Oompa Loompas! You said that yourself!”

“Yeah, and you said they were the worst,” I told him.

I don’t really mind my part though. I’m not on stage much— mostly backstage, actually, next to the crew. And, even if MJ laughs at my costume every time she sees me, I don’t think it will be so bad at all.

Voicemail #66

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

MJ rejected Brad’s homecoming proposal! I cannot express how happy I am, Mr. Stark! I’m on the ceiling! Literally, I’m just hanging upside-down in my bedroom and smiling.

Granted, MJ is visiting family or something over homecoming weekend so she literally could not go with him, or me, even if she wanted to. But at least she’s not going with Brad, because Brad’s a jerk, as we’ve already established.

I guess there’s not much of a point going to homecoming now, if MJ won’t be there. Ned and I have now planned to stay at home instead and eat foods that have a scary amount of sugar and watch a Star Wars movie marathon. I mean, that sounds a million times more fun anyways, ‘cause I don’t think anything can get more exciting than last year’s homecoming. 

It’s gonna be fine. Heck, I’ve got a whole ‘nother year here. I’ll have the guts to ask MJ next year- I swear.

Voicemail #65

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

I really, really want to ask MJ to homecoming. I haven’t had much luck with homecoming dates but I feel like this year could be different. I even have this plan to make her a sign with a pun about how the government sucks that somehow incorporates the question ‘Homecoming?’ and give her new art supplies as a little present and it would be great.

The only problem is that Ned heard that kid Brad talking about how he was planning to ask MJ to homecoming. Brad- that little kid who squashed bugs and wrote the f word in sharpie on people’s clothing when they weren’t looking. Like, c’mon, MJ used to babysit him! I bet she’s seen him pick his nose and say that girls have cooties or something. 

But what really sucks is that Brad isn’t little anymore. He got pretty ‘not little’ over the five years we were gone and now he’s got muscles and can grow facial hair if he wanted and is, like, a head taller than me. I wouldn’t be completely shocked if she chose Brad- What kind of name is Brad anyway? Brad... more like… makes everyone... mad… and sad… because he sucks. 

I really wish you were here, Mr. Stark, so you could give me advice on this stuff. Or so you could, like, come to school and intimidate Brad. 

Voicemail #64

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

Today’s the first day of junior year! Well, the second first day because my actual first day of junior year was five and a half years ago… 

Even though I know MJ’s been fuming about it, but I actually don’t mind retaking half of 11th grade. I mean, before, I didn’t think that much saying goodbye to May in the morning, or walking to school with Ned, or trying to make eye contact with MJ during class but turning away right before she notices because I chicken out, or doing homework or participating in Decathlon or getting sandwiches after school. But now, I don’t think I’ll be able to do any of that without thinking about it a little more. I mean, I’m pretty lucky, aren’t I? We all are. I haven’t seen so many people excited for the first day since, like, Kindergarten when all we did was make handprint art and take naps. 

We owe it to you, Mr. Stark. So, for like the three thousandth time, thank you. And wish me luck on my first day!

Voicemail #63

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

So, according to Aunt May, I am not venomous after all. I’ve got a 103° fever and was being totally delirious about all that. Sucks. Being poisonous would’ve been really, really cool.

Voicemail #62

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

I bit my tongue like an hour ago and now I’m feeling really sick. What if I’m venomous, Mr. Stark? What if I poisoned myself? Wouldn’t I be immune to my own venom? What do I do? I don’t think I’ve ever bitten someone before so I have no idea if I got venom abilities from the spider? If I wasn’t so sick right now, I would be freaking out about how awesome this is. Now I’m just freaking out ‘cause I poisoned myself.

Voicemail #61

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

School’s still a week away and I’m using my insane levels of boredom to learn how to make little creatures with my webs so I can hand them out to elementary schoolers on the first day.

So far, I’ve learned how to make glob monster #1, glob monster #2, and glob monster #3. This is not going well.

Voicemail #60

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

Turns out I can’t pass for an adult. ‘Cause I just tried to show my I.D, which says I was born 21 years ago, to some guy and he took one look at me and said, “No way. You definitely got blipped”. But before you get the wrong impression, I wasn’t trying to buy alcohol or anything, Mr. Stark. I was trying to organize a protest. 

For what? I don’t really know. But MJ’s all gung-ho about protesting in front of the education department because they’re gonna make us retake the entire year of school even though we got dusted halfway or something. I mean, everyone thinks it’s dumb but MJ’s determined to do something about it. I think that, with that determination, she might become like the President of the United States one day so I offered to help. I want to be able to one day say I helped the President schedule a protest. 

That and I like her. Like like her. But I think that’s kinda obvious by now.

Anyways, I’m now in an alley changing into my spider-suit. If Peter Parker can’t pass for an adult and schedule a protest for his crush so she can fight the system and potentially like him back in the process, Spider-Man sure can. 

Voicemail #59

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

I hung that picture of us on the wall of my room, Mr. Stark. The one with the bunny ears. I just wanted to let you know that the photo replaced one of my Star Wars posters, so it really is important. 

Voicemail #58

To: Tony Stark

From: Peter Parker

Today I tripped and MJ smiled at me and said, “ha, what an idiot”. She smiled at me, Mr. Stark! She! Smiled! At! Me!