If you’re feeling like sh*t won’t get better
NOT VLOG SQUAD RELATED but still read if you have time.Â
Today marks 6 years anniversary of the day I wondered if things were worth the feelings I was feeling, if I really wanted to cope with everything.Â
The 16th year of my existence on this planet was such an awful, crazy year for me because of so many reasons. I hated school and everyone in it, every single person I had to spend 7 hours of my day with. My dad had discovered that he had a thing on his spine and that he needed to have surgery to fix that. My uncle got diagnosed with brain tumor. My grandpa (dad’s side) had two heart attacks. My grandma (mom’s side) almost had her leg amputated due to living with diabetes for a really long time. My aunt lost a baby and was diagnosed with heart condition that could’ve killed her in a week if it wasn’t fixed. My great grandpa (dad’s side) with whom I had such a special bond died and life pretty much sucked major ass. I had like two friends and one ended up turning her back on me and making everybody think I was this God awful person. I just wanted to drop everything and go somewhere else. I didn’t care where it was, I just wanted to leave the situation I was in.Â
But I couldn’t. I realized that it would be such a selfish, cowardly thing to cut my misery and leave both sides of my family with an extra thing to feel miserable about. So I tried to fix myself. And I tried and tried and tried for three years. I’d spend a week locked in my room not wanting to see anybody at times. Some other times, I’d be going out and meeting new people seven days of the week. I wanted to fix other peoples problems to not think about mine so I joined Red Cross and volunteered for four days a week. I loved books so I started working in a library to be surrounded with what I loved. I started dancing, painting, drawing and writing and I sucked at every single one of these things basically but I still did it because it took my mind of of things and it helped ease my mind and heart. Then my dad was doing better, my uncle was tumor free, my aunt adopted the cutest little ray of sunshine, my grandparents were okay. Then I got accepted into college that I always dreamed of and in first time in FOREVER I felt truly happy and content with everything that was going on. I moved to a big city and started fresh. I met the most amazing people with same mindset as mine, with same overview of life, with same passion for doing what we do. I did good in college, I enjoyed learning again. I met the most amazing professor who showed me that life needs ups and downs in order to be a life. I’m as happy as one can be now.
My life changed drastically from that moment/feeling I was in six years ago but it wasn’t easy. It wasn’t easy and it still isn’t easy. Bad days still come, binging TV shows and food in my room still happens but I find a way out and so can you. I know how it feels to be in a room full of people yet feel alone. I know how it feels to not want to get out of your bed in the mornings. I know how it feels to cry yourself to sleep nights in a row and then you stop doing it just because there are no more tears that can be cried. It’s okay to be a walking dead for a while but you need to know that it’s not a forever thing. Life isn’t life if it doesn’t rough you up from time to time but you are stronger than it. You are in control over it. The only person in charge of your life is you. There isn’t another person that can help you make your life better, your soul happier, your days brighter but you. And you’re allowed to take your time, you’re allowed to feel sorry for your self and you’re allowed to feel like you can’t do it. You can sit and cry but there is only a certain amount of time you can sit before your butt starts hurting badly and only so many tears you can cry before there’s nothing left to cry out.Â
And there is always someone who cares and someone that can help you whether it be your mom,  a friend, tumblr person who hearted your post about depression, a professor,  the kid in school that never talked to you or a homeless man you gave your change to three years ago. Someone is always thinking about you and your well being, more than we can ever wrap our minds around. World will be different if you leave it whether you believe it or not, and not in a good way. So don’t give up on those people around you, don’t give up on yourself, on what and who you can be a day, week, month or years from now. Wounds heal, I just need you to give them time to do so. Please.Â
Please allow yourself to heal the same way you’d want your loved ones to do so because even if you don’t care about you, they do.Â
______________________________________________________________
It was an emotional week for me and I really wanted to share this story after a really long time. We all need a reassurance that things do get better, we need stories that have a happy ending and I wanted to share mine because people’s happy endings helped me and if mine helps to a single person in this world to realize that they have a purpose and meaning in this universe, I’ll be more than happy.Â















