moonshine

He was still getting used to the prosthetic, still getting used to the whole idea of missing half of his leg. He stayed in the army hospital through his first stages of rehabilitation. All he wanted to do was go home and be with Robby, but he got mean. He snapped at nurses who were just trying to help, some days he rarely left his room, too stuck in his own head. He didn’t want Robby to see him like that despite Robby’s many pleas over the phone.

“Please, Jack,” he remembers Robby whispering into the phone. “I want- I need you home, I can help, I promise I can help,” he begged, broken.

Jack had shut his eyes tight, tightened his grip on the landline, willing his body to sound calm and not completely broken from hearing Robby like that. He never wanted to be the reason Robby sounded like that, but he couldn’t make Robby go through this with him. He needed to get back on his feet before seeing Robby again, he needed to be somewhere near the Jack Robby knew before his deployment.

“I’m sorry..” Jack whispered back into the phone, failing to sound anywhere near put together. “I’ll be back, I promise you… I’ll be back.”

With a pause between the both of them, and all the noise being exchanged between landlines is their own heavy breaths and sniffles, they sit there in silence, miles away, with an tragic accident separating them.

“I love you…” Jack slowly says, breaking the silence.

“Just- please just come home, Jack.. please,” Robby begs again, no longer fighting to sound composed as his voice shakes and wobbles.

With a sigh that turned into a small cry, Jack hung up.

Now, however, Jack is going to be back. After his many hours traveling, he stands in baggage claim, waiting to see his beat up duffel make its way down the carousel while he tries to ignore the echoes of Robby’s desperate pleading that bangs against the walls of his mind, refusing to let him forget the way his partners voice cracked.

His mind doesn’t let up, but instead he is given visuals of Robby at home, alone, getting the call from Jack and being absolutely devastated and heart broken when he realizes his partner isn’t coming back for a long while. He knows the way Robby is wired, he knows that he is overworking himself at the hospital, not resting, not taking care of himself as he stresses over Jack. He just knows.

And knowing that Jack is the reason behind all of that, well, it makes him not want to come home and make Robby be with someone who would do something so cruel to their partner. Robby didn’t sign up for this, yet he begged to be apart of it, pleaded with Jack to just come home.

He is home. He made it home with his brain on autopilot, somehow, as all he could think about was how he disappointed Robby, left him alone in the dark.

He opens the car door of the taxi he does not remember hailing, hands him some cash through the window, and walks up to their small town house. The windows show a dark house, not illuminated by the soft lamps Robby had bought at a thrift store, claiming it would make their home “cozier.”

Of course, Jack thinks. Robby’s not home. Why would he be? It’s the middle of the day, he’s at the hospital, most likely overworking himself.

For Jack, however, he doesn’t think he can wait any longer until he sees Robby. Selfishly, all he wants to do is barge into the ED, find whatever room Robby is currently in, and hold him and never let him go. He made Robby wait weeks, and Jack can’t wait another couple hours?

He may be a selfish man, yet he is a selfish man who justifies himself when it comes to Robby.

He makes his way into their house, trying to ignore how cold and empty it feels with only one current occupant. Their kitchen no longer having the charm of two mugs in the sink but instead one filled with forgotten, cold coffee. The bathroom is missing a toothbrush, the shoe rack only holding shoes of one, and the bed only holds one indent on Robbys side. Jacks pillows are starying from their regular spot, lying near Robbys side. Some of Jacks clothes, like his favorite hoodie that Robby often steals or the shirt that they equally share, are thrown near his pillows. If he really looked, he would bet that his bottle of shampoo and cologne, both smells Robby has admitted to adoring because they remind him of Jack, would be emptier then they had left them.

Oh, Robby, Jack thinks as his heart breaks for the other man.

With the sight of their home, Jacks plan is solidified. He quickly finds some clothes for him to change into and a towel as he makes his way to their bathroom. Once he opens the door, ready to take a quick shower and then make his way over to the hospital, he stops dead in his tracks and his breath catches.

Their walk in shower has become equipped with metal bars, and the corner of the shower now holds a small bench.

“Oh, fuck.. Robby,” Jack breathes out as his eyes quickly fill with tears for a partnership he mourned while away. A partnership that Robby has equally mourned as he painstakingly accommodated a new part of Jack that he hadn’t even met yet.

“Oh, god.. Rob, fuck, no no no,” Jack whines as lowers himself down to the ground and starts shaking with sobs and agony.

He hadn’t even thought about the fact that he wouldn’t be able to shower. The entire notion of the prosthetic is incredibly new to him and he often finds himself reverting back to things he would never be able to do again. But Robby… Robby had heard about his lost leg and immediately did everything he could to make Jack feel welcome back home.

And what did Jack do in return? He abandoned the one person he said he would never do that to. He promised Robby that no matter what happened, they would work through it. Yet, Jack hung up the phone, but Robby still installed shower bars.

He doesn’t know how long he stayed on the bathroom floor, but eventually he got up, using the bathroom counter to push himself up.

He skipped the shower, not wanting to look at the bar installments any longer.

Quickly, he makes his way out of the bathroom, eyes still puffy, and strips his army uniform off, delighted to get the thick clothing off to replace it with Robby’s soft, navy blue, zip up jacket and a pair of his own cargo pants. He stupidly decides to keep his boots on while taking both the uniform off and the cargo pants on. He hasn’t gotten good at putting shoes on over the prosthetic foot yet, and quite frankly, he doesn’t want to even look at the prosthetic right now. He doesn’t want a physical reminder of why he and Robby were apart for far longer than the army promised.

With his clothing of choice on, he grabs his keys that were collecting dust in their bowl by the door, his PTMC badge that he used in the occasional shifts he picked up before his deployment, and walks out the front door, waiting for a taxi to make its way on by.

****************************************************

Once PTMC is in sight, Jack abruptly asks the driver to stop, too antsy to continue the slow drive up the road. With a confused look, the driver unlocks the car, and Jack races out, pays, and starts walking up the doors of the ED with a slight limp.

Once he enters through the automatic doors, he keeps his head down and goes straight through the main entrance, swiping his badge, that he wasn’t completely sure would still be active, at the main entrance, and walks in.

He doesn’t make it far. Just past the first couple triage patients.

“Oh, absolutely not!” He hears someone yell, making him snap his head up to find the source of the yelling. It’s Dana. “Oh no, no, Abbot you don’t get to walk in here just to see Robby.”

Jack doesn’t know exactly what Robby told everyone, they didn’t talk much and Robby doesn’t even know he is home yet.

“Dana, please, I need to see him,” Jack croaks out, emotion overtaking him as he holds eye contact with the nurse. To Dana’s credit, her eyes soften just a fraction and her voice lowers but stays firm.

“Jack. You have no idea how he’s been these last couple weeks, you don’t know what he looks like, you don’t even know if he’s taking care of himself,” Dana starts, and damn if she doesn’t know exactly the right words to draw another shaky breath from the man. “You are not going to see him right now because if I’m being honest, I don’t think he would be able to handle it in a way he would be comfortable showing the rest of the department.”

Before Jack can reply, Dana bulldozes over his words and continues.

“Jack… he has been in shambles,” Dana softly says, ignoring the way he own voice starts to weaken. “Everyone is worried about him. Adamson has tried to get him to talk about, he tries to bring him to his favorite diner outside of work, Robby doesn’t go. He stays here far longer than he should, gets here earlier too. We all know he isn’t sleeping if the eye bags are any indication. God damn it, Jack, we all know when he comes in here wearing your clothes. And we all know that he is like this because of you.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I thought this was for the better,” Jack sobs, his eyes now fixated on the ground. Soon enough, he finds himself in the arms of Dana, a comfort he isn’t one hundred percent sure he deserves right now.

“I’m not going to say it’s okay, it’s not, but you’re here,” Dana says, trying her best to comfort him with her motherly tone. “I’ll find Adamson, and we can figure out what to do, because if I’m being honest, I think Robby might just break if he sees you.”

With a nod of his head, Jack unlatches from Dana and just stands there as he awaits Adamson. It doesn’t take long until the other man is standing across from him with a a slight disapproving stare. Everyone knew how protective Adamson was of Robby who was practically like a son to him. Jack was foolish to think he was any different when it came to that protectiveness.

Without saying anything, Adamson continues to stare as he waves Jack over. Jack makes his way over with unsure steps and almost flinches with Adamson holds him by the shoulder and starts directing him to a part of the ED.

Jack whips his head around the department, hoping to just see a glimpse of Robby. Yet, Adamsons demanding and quick steps are enough to bring them to their destination — which turns out to be Adamsons secluded office — quick enough that Jack can’t spot the tall, brown-haired man.

“Adamson, what are we-“ Jack starts to ask once the office door behind them closes, but soon enough he is interrupted by the older doctor.

“Stay here, Jack. I’ll be back.” Adamson says over Jack as he turns around, grabs for the door handle, and in the blink of an eye he is alone in the office.

With that, Jack collapses into the closest arm chair with a groan as his leg finally starts to give out on him. If he has to wait for whatever the hell Adamson plans to make him wait for, he might as well give his leg a break. However, he can’t help but bounce the other one up and down as his mind races with anxiety.

Jack doesn’t even realize he had zoned out and let his anxiety take over until his mind is interrupted with the click of the door. Jack shoots up from his seat, an instinct that is both his current anxiety and a motion that had been burned into his brain thanks to the military.

“Why are you taking me to your office, A-“ Robby starts, but once he slowly bring his head up his feet abruptly stop and he forgets the question he was asking Adamson.

Not for the first time that day, Jack freezes as his heart drops to the bottom of his stomach. He looks Robby up and down who is stuck in a daze looking at Jack. Once he takes the other man in, his mind comes to one conclusion: Robby looks terrible.

No amount of detailing could prepare Jack for the visual of Robby. His eye bags are more pronounced then they have ever been, he doesn’t seem to be taking care of his hair or beard, and he has definitely lost weight. He looks sick, Jack thinks, and all he wants to do is run his hands across Robby’s face and hair, trying to just kiss him better.

“Hi, Mikey,” Jack says softly, trying to pour as much adoration and love into the nickname.

Robby takes a step toward Jack once Jack spoke, making Adamson feel compelled to leave the room as to give them some privacy.

“Hi.” Jack repeats once Robby gets closer, only a foot of distance in between them. He can see the tears filling his red eyes and the way his jaw is slightly clenched. He is close enough to hear his shaky breaths as he looks at Jack like he isn’t one hundred percent sure that he is real.

“Rob, I’m sorry,” Jack starts, but the minute he speaks again Robby is rushing into him as he starts sobbing. Jack quickly snakes his arms around Robby’s back and tugs him close.

“It’s okay, Misha,” Jack soothes. “It’s alright. I’m here now, even if I should have been here sooner. I’m sorry, babe, fuck.. I’m so sorry.”

“Jack,” Robby croaks out in a tone Jack never wants to hear again. He’s pleading and begging in Jacks arms for everything to stop and all Jack can do is hold him and hope it’s enough. “Jack- I didn’t- you said you loved me… you hung up, oh god, I never said it back.. no no no, I never said it back. Jack I do, I love you I swear.”

“Robby,” Jack whispers as he guides Robby’s face out of where it had buried into Jacks neck and holds his face in both hands so he can look him directly in the eye. “I never doubted that.”

With Jacks reassurance, Robby’s sobs double over and he starts shaking uncontrollably.

“You were hurt, Jack… badly,” Robby whispers as he says it through his cries. “You were hurt, and I couldn’t be there. Jack… it’s been months.”

Instead of replying right away, Jack notices the way Robby’s knees are shaking and if they don’t move soon, Jack is going to have to take all of Robby’s weight, not just the majority he is already holding. Jack doesn’t necessarily want to find out if his own legs will be able to withstand that so he leads them to the small couch in Adamsons office.

Once they are sat, Jack tries to ignore the way his stomach aches from the terrible and devastating noises Robby is making as he guides Robby’s head into his lap who goes completely willing and even wraps his arms around Jacks legs.

Now that they are settled, Jack says “I’m so so sorry, Robby,” he starts. “I’m so sorry that I was away for longer then intended. I’m sorry you couldn’t be there when I was hurt. I’m sorry I never called after that one call. I’m sorry that you were here alone. I don’t think I’ll ever stop being sorry Robs.”

Instead of replying, Robby just keeps shaking his head no against Jacks legs and Jack doesn’t know exactly what to do with that but all he knows is that something is still bothering Robby. Right now, though, he just wants Robby to stop crying. His sobs have quieted to small cries and sniffles which is equally as achingly sad to Jack. He only stops shaking his head once Jacks hands finds Robby’s hair, their favorite spot to be. Robby lets out a loud sigh that turns into a small whine.

“I missed you so fucking much, Jack,” Robby whispers as if he scared of the admission.

“I missed you too, Mikey, missed you so much I think I started going crazy,” Jack jokes which draws a small huff from Robby. For not hearing the other man’s laugh for months, Jack relishes in that little huff even if it isn’t the bark of a laugh that Jack typically loves to hear from Robby.

They lay there for a little longer, enjoying the mutual silence that is no longer separated by landlines and only connected by phones. Jack knows they have more to talk about, more apologies to be made, progress needed to have, but for now, all Jack wants to do is to continuing hearing Robbys small sighs of content every time Jacks hand rakes his hand through his dark hair.

At some point, Jack lowers his head to be able to see Robby’s eyes. They are still riddled with eye bags and redness from either exhaustion or tears, but what he mostly focused now is how Robby’s eyes are falling close slowly and then he jerks them open again.

“You can rest, Robby,” Jack tells him. “It’s alright, I’m sure Adamson isn’t expecting to see you back in the ED.”

Even after Jack tried to reassure him, he still seems tense and scared to fall asleep. Before he can ask what’s wrong, Robby speaks up in a voice that is laced with tiredness.

“Um, you’ll still be here? Right?” Robby asks. God, he sounds like a little kid, Jack thinks. He sounds so small and insecure, yet Jack doesn’t really know if just promising to be here is enough for Robby.

“Yeah, I’ll be here, Robs,” he tries. Even if Robby still seems tense, he quickly stops fighting his droopy eyes and soon enough they are closed for good as his breath evens out. Before his body goes completely slack, Jack continues. “Then, when you are all rested up, we’ll go home. Together.”