Visual Novel Reviews

* I use the term “game” loosely here – NEKOPARA is a straight visual novel as opposed to being a dating sim, meaning you click your way towards the story's conclusion without being able to influence its outcome.

The characters

You eventually learn that the Minaduki family owns a grand total of six catgirls. As part of her questionable machinations, you sister sends you two of them: Chocola and Vanilla.

Of course.

(Count) Chocola is the more childish of the two (although both of them speak in the third person and are repeatedly infantilised by Kashou regardless, which gets pretty creepy pretty quickly). Relentlessly cheerful (unless it's time for a one of a few designated Poignant Moments), she's pretty much a stereotypical SO KAWAII DESU catgirl complete with random nyan noises and moments of misguided cat-like behaviour (only the cute ones, though, of course – Chocola isn't exactly going to barf next to your bed and let you step on it with bare feet in the morning). Vanilla is the slightly more interesting/tolerable of the two, with her trademark being deadpan deliveries with sinister undertones. If anything, I'd say Vanilla is the more cat-like of the two because you can totally see her murdering you in your sleep on a whim with little to no regrets.

Now when you say “you”...

Later on you also meet:

Azuki – A Munchkin catgirl, meaning she's the smallest as well as being the oldest (and, despite complaining about this contradiction, wears a seifuku because of course she does). She's a bit of a bitch and loves tuna, so I feel a certain kinship with her.

Maple – An American Curl and the second oldest. Knowledgeable and refined (and also apparently the only catgirl trusted to choose her own outfit, which might explain why it's so much better than all the others), she's mostly too classy to get caught up in the other catgirls' bullshit.

Cinnamon – A Scottish Fold whose defining characteristics are her massive rack (referred to as “pride and joy boobs” at one point) and getting aroused by the slightest innuendo. That's... pretty much all I can say about Cinnamon. Someone's getting spayed.

Coconut – A Maine Coon catgirl who's incredibly tall and buxom but secretly wishes to be called cute. She's quite a good character personality-wise as NEKOPARA goes but my God does that buttfloss thong look uncomfortable.

And then there's your sister.

I NEED AN ADULT.

As mentioned previously, Shigure is fucking terrifying. It's implied that all the catgirls are scared of her for conspicuously undisclosed reasons, while about 70% of her dialogue is spent expressing just how much she loves her nii-sama (and yes, it's that kind of love). At one point in Vol. 0, she worries Kashou might have a girlfriend and plots to send said theoretical girlfriend naked photos of herself in order to sabotage the relationship (and, let's face, probably get somebody arrested – she has to be like 12). If I were Kashou, Shigure alone would be more than enough reason to move out (as well as maybe get a restraining order).

See no evil: art

NEKOPARA's art is pretty damn nice for what it is (a game in which you're ostensibly here to fuck your cats). The backgrounds are detailed and beautifully rendered, the CGs are pretty and the character sprites are probably some of the best I've seen. As NEKOPARA repeatedly boasts in its trailers, the game uses the E-Mote system, a visual novel engine created by M2 that enables the use of highly animated sprites and means that the characters blink, breathe and jiggle exactly like real girls.

Just like real girls. ;___;

The only mild visual gripe I have is with the weird slow pans and zooms that sometimes happen in order to show off the entirety of certain CGs – I think it's to allow for the better appreciation of panty shots and the like but it just made me feel like I was suffering from some kind of kawaii vertigo.

Basically, it's just like being in one of your Japanese animes if you're into that sort of thing.

Hear no evil: voice acting and music

Both NEKOPARA games are fully voice acted in Japanese with a choice of English, Japanese or Chinese subtitles, and all of said voice acting is pretty great assuming you don't mind the occasional shrill NYAAAAAAAAAAA~ (which, to be fair, is what most people get NEKOPARA for in the first place).

Top eardrum preservation tip: you can selectively mute the voices of certain characters from the options menu – you're welcome.

Fuck you, Shigure.

The sound effects are all fitting and unobtrusive while the music is easy on the ears (after you adjust its obnoxiously loud default volume, that is), but there aren't really any tracks that are catchy enough for me to recall after having finished playing. For the sake of my ongoing [pseudo-]sanity, this is probably for the best.

Speak no evil: writing and plot

Oh man, where do we start here?

The English translation is mostly alright. There are a few moments where sentences are clunky and phrases don't quite work, but by and large it flows well enough for you to appreciate its intended charm and humour.

Perish the thought.

That said, Kashou doesn't half waffle (is that a pun?) on sometimes, and while a lot of his lack of characterisation is probably to allow the player to self insert more easily, his unrelenting blandness leads you to seriously doubt the other characters' assertions of how nice he is (especially as the ones who tell you this are also those that, for some inexplicable reason, want in your pants). For the most part it kind of feels like he/you are being praised for doing the bare minimum expected of a decent human being (i.e. YOU DIDN'T LET TWO VULERABLE LIVING BEINGS DIE WHILE THEY WERE IN YOUR FAMILY'S CARE – GOOD FOR YOU!).

Speaking of human beings, the whole catgirl thing raises a lot of questions – questions which you're probably not meant to bother thinking about but I couldn't help it. For example:

Catgirls apparently came about as the result of genetic modification – isn't that kind of a waste of technology? What others biological miracles/horrors has it wrought?

Do catboys exist? Asking for a friend

Ageing. Kashou doesn't know exactly how old Chocola and Vanilla are as they were strays, although according to the estimates of a vet they are about nine months old at the time of Vol. 1. During the game, you meet a younger catgirl who is about six months old and said to look about 12 or 13 human years old. This means Chocola and Vanilla are about 15-16. While the potential discomfort of that sinks in, let's also consider how crazy it would be to have what is essentially a human being go from birth to adulthood in about a year. How long do they live for? How traumatic is laying a catgirl/woman/old lady to rest? I WOULD IMAGINE QUITE.

So they have cat ears but DO THEY ALSO HAVE HUMAN EARS UNDER THEIR HAIR? It would look super weird either way

The special bells (of course they're bells) they get once they pass their catgirl exams have GPS in them, which is pretty creepy

Is there some kind of anti-human catgirl resistance holed up somewhere in this universe?

“Catpanion”? Really?

The questionable science of the setting aside, the story (if you exclude the lewd bits, which we'll come to later) is your standard lighthearted, albeit feline-focused, slice of life – enjoyable for what it is but not particularly memorable, like a piece of sugary candy. Despite trying to convey FEELS on multiple occasions, it never quite seemed to resonate enough for me to empathise. Perhaps this can be attributed to my extreme jadedness or the fact that Kashou is a bit of a dick.

Also somebody is clearly into incest in a big way.

Other stuff

NEKOPARA has a crapload of options. One of these is boob bouncing.

Other features include the backlog option within the game itself, which is actually kind of useful if your itchy clicker finger causes you to miss any dialogue. Vol. 0 also has a little hand symbol that, I later found out when I was trying to get all the achievements because shut up, allows you to pet the catgirls. The more innocent of you would be content to pet their heads, but rest assured that you can also pet their boobs and below if you want to feel exceedingly awkward as you reflect on the fact that you're petting the no-no places of a digital catgirl. Thank God we live in this time.

And now let's talk about the sex scenes.

Here's the exact moment when I started to feel uncomfortable.

The Steam version of NEKOPARA Vol. 1 is censored, meaning that you get a pointed fade to black at the moment where a sex scene would have occurred. However, I suffer from morbid curiosity, you see.

I couldn't quite bring myself to download the uncensored patch, so instead I found a let's play of the scenes online (thanks, GLOCO – I feel like we shared something special that neither of us should ever speak of again).

Me writing these reviews.

There are three scenes in total:

One with Chocola

One with Vanilla

One with both Chocola and Vanilla

The premise for the first couple is that they're in heat and you have to bang them or they'll get sick (seems legit), so Kashou bravely takes one for the team. This is essentially how they go down (okay, that's definitely pun):

Catgirl A pretends she doesn't want in your pants with all the subtlety of a drunken fresher (but Kashou remains oblivious to the face until they're practically facefucking him)

Catgirl B exposes Catgirl A's expert ruse and starts a creepy, incestuous seduction while encouraging Kashou to do his dick duty

Catgirl A is persuaded to give Kashou a blowjob, which turns out to be THE BEST THING SHE HAS EVER EXPERIENCED IN HER LIFE and, despite being THE PUREST PURE VIRGIN, is an expert at it (apparently, and this is stated in the dialogue, good blowjob skills are part of a catgirl's instincts – THANKS, GENETIC ENGINEERING)

The catgirls snowball kiss and it's gross

Catgirl A and Kashou do the ye olde PIV sex

The end

Yup.

Sex scene three is because you take them out on a date at an amusement park and they love you so much they give you a duo BJ then endure an incredibly awkward threesome. Aw.

To their credit, the voice actors really give it their all (perhaps alarmingly so), and from a pure value perspective the scenes do add literal hours to the game – I mean, they even went to the trouble of animating them. However, I spent the entire time cringing to my core for a wide variety of reasons, including:

Kashou's inexplicable sexual godhood and lack of refractory period

Relentless, earth-shattering, reality-questioning multiple orgasms, all thanks to Kashou's magic dick and little else

Semen

So much semen

THE FUCKING NOISES (both in a literal and adjectival sense) – they loop, they gloop and permanent hearing damage upon climax is a serious risk for the unprepared

The girls asking Kashou to slow down/stop, which he usually ignores/does the opposite of

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like most people would probably have difficulty enjoying scenes where the characters repeatedly yell that they feel like they're going to die

Literally this.

TL;DR: the fact that my notes on the scenes end with “OH GOD I MADE IT” probably tells you all you need to know about my opinion on the eroticism of NEKOPARA's sex scenes.

Still, Kashou drops a few post-coital gems like “I was filled with a sense of affection and conquest” as well as multiple remarks likening them to his “daughters” (see the writing and plot section) and it's all over.

Thank fuck for that.

Who's your waifu though?

Maple for style, Coconut for kawaii and Azuki for best voice.

Also it looks like Coconut and Azuki are going to be the main characters in NEKOPARA Vol. 2 (which is out on Steam tomorrow).

I know how you feel. Help me.

TL;DR?

You'll like NEKOPARA if you like catgirls, but if you're not planning on fapping over them then the skeevy undertones are probably going to make a good chunk of the game pretty awkward for you.

BONUS

Seeing as they seemed popular last time, here are some of the more comprehensible notes I made while playing NEKOPARA (disclaimer: this doesn't mean they will be comprehensible in the slightest).

NEKOPARA Vol. 1

ON CATGIRLS

WELL YES, I WOULD ASSUME SO

RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN

ON KASHOU

I FEEL LIKE MY LITTLE SISTER IS HITTING ON ME AND I DON'T LIKE IT I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT

ARE WE, THOUGH? ARE WE?

NEW INSULT GET

ON THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

“SO WE WANT TO CRAM AS MANY FETISHES AS POSSIBLE INTO ONE CG”

WHY WOULD A SCOTTISH FOLD HAVE SUCH HUGE TATS?

OH, MY SWEET SUMMER CHILD

I DON’T EVEN

OH GOD THE SHLICKING NOISES THAT IS NOT WHAT A BAJINGO SOUNDS LIKE THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE FUCKING A JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER

ON CHOCOLA AND VANILLA

THIS TIME

I KNOW THAT FEEL, BRO

THAT'S A SMILE?

THESE FUKKEN OUTFITS IMAGINE HOW LONG IT TOOK TO PUT ON ALL THAT STUFF ESPECIALLY AS I HAVE A HORRIBLE FEELING WE'RE GOING TO END UP JIZZING ON IT

NEKOPARA Vol. 0

I WANT TO GET OFF OF CHOCOLA'S WILD RIDE

HEY, THIS SEEMS FAMILIAR...

“BREASTS ARE THE TREASURE OF HUMANITY”

CINNAMON FUCKING SERIOUSLY NOW

The characters

So this is your basic husbando harem. From left to right you have Matthew (both the young one and funny one), Erik (ginger sex pest/mummy's boy), James (obligatory stern glasses guy who looks a little like your dad), Sam (the tough cookie desu) and Damien (the other, less creepy ginger). They all have pretty distinct (if slightly tropey at times) personalities, and pursuing them results in the revelation of their respective DARK AND TRAGIC PASTS (some more so than others – this game is actually pretty dark at points).

It turns out they're all the sons of a big ol' Demon Lord who your grandfather helped them escape from – which also means that the demon princess who was promised she could marry one of them comes calling and (usually) tries to STEAL YO MAN. Another obstacle is bishie Hellboy Malix (whose voice actor's evil laugh game is legit super strong), who pops up and threatens you but is ultimately dispatched by either you (you know taekwando and, depending on how nosy you are, dark magic – THANKS, GRANDAD) or the guy you happen to be pursuing (guess which one is the one with tentacles).

See? This guy gets it.

In addition to your shitty parents, a boy who's so bland that you should only pursue him if you ever wondered what it's like to date a sentient cream cracker and a bully who's essentially Regina George on steroids and also possibly under the influence of dark magic (but then so was Rachel McAdams), you also have your best buds Naomi and Suzu. They're a fairly typical (and thus also slightly disappointing) combo of girly latte-gargling goody-two-shoes and rebellious arcade-junkie tomboy respectively, but all in all Suzu's a bro and my distaste for Naomi probably says more about me than the game itself.

See no evil: art

Some say you shouldn't judge a visual novel by its art, but it is half of the genre name. The backgrounds are good (aside from a couple of the early ones, which are inexplicably blurry) and the sprites are, by and large, decent (although some characters, such as your teacher and the bully, look kind of like someone stuck a wig on a flesh-coloured shovel).

Clang.

However, perhaps my biggest gripe with the game's graphics is the highly variable quality of the CGs. For example, you can get something like this:

Tfw she's more interested in your bitchin' cardigan than you.

Only to later be greeted by something like this:

Yang chas Solo chone Wookiee! Tung ko ro yay ha yaba hahs gee.

These occasional artistic missteps don't really detract from the overall quality of the game, but it is kind of jarring to suddenly be presented with something you might have drawn during the days of your first DeviantArt account (but hey, at least my username didn't have numbers in it).

Hear no evil: voice acting and music

To its credit, Seduce Me is fully voice acted – and that voice acting is actually pretty damn good for the most part. Most of the voices I found myself disliking were not really due to the quality of the acting so much as personal preference. For example, the voice of Erik, who is the designated flirty one (only to hide his DARK AND TRAGIC past, though, of course), made my ovaries instinctively shrivel. His opening line is basically the aural equivalent of someone making eye contact with you across the room at a party and then next thing you know their tongue is helicoptering in the depths of your ear.

Pls no.

Basically, I enjoy Christopher Escalante's (@thechristopherescalante) voice work but ERIK YOU A CREEP.

The sound effects and background music are also pretty good generally, but there are some moments where a track or audio file restarting abruptly can be pretty jarring, for example the rain at your grandfather's funeral or the sparkly softcore porno lilt that kicks in when there's a love scene.

Speak no evil: writing and plot

As a visual novel and a dating sim, there is the expectation of certain tropes. However, not long after I'd started playing I couldn't help but notice similarities between Seduce Me and Diabolik Lovers, the anime series of which I'd binge watched a while ago for reasons I still don't fully understand.

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I'm so glad my teenage self isn't here right now.

This similarity has been noticed by others. However, rather than brushing it off, creator Michaela Laws (@thebunnyofevil) chose to directly address it, which was pretty cool of her (in fact, Michaela seems pretty cool in general – we should totally get together and chat about husbandos/waifus/how I'm inevitably going to die alone sometime).

It's also worth noting that, while the MC does suffer from some moments of plot-lubricating weakness, as a whole she's not a complete pushover, nor is she afraid to smack a bitch.

Why have plot when you can have punching?

As with most visual novels, you have to play through multiple routes in order to get the full picture story-wise... so I 100%ed the game (thanks, @walkthroughgoddess!) for good measure. Without delving too deeply into spoilers, I actually ended up finding the world mythos that was gradually revealed fairly interesting.

The characters themselves are well realised overall and pretty diverse, but you do become quite aware of which bits of writing are the same in the different routes after a couple of playthroughs (although you do also have access to a fast-forward button, another visual novel staple). While some of these make sense, others seem like missed opportunities for a little more character development and/or variety in general.

#Plot.

The quality of writing throughout is good for the most part, with only a few typos and confused phrases (such as hair “rustling” instead of “ruffling”, “jest” instead of “gist” and “one of the most sexiest smiles I've ever seen”). There are also several words that are reused quite heavily in the love scenes, often within the same route – “heat” happens a lot, “pleasureful” is a horrible word, “loving on me” sounds super weird and the MC “melts” more than ice cream on a barbecue. Also “crevices” is never sexy. Finally, there are a few parts where scene-setting narration goes on for so long that it seems rambly and could do with some paring down (much like this review).

Other stuff

Seduce Me is a very considerate game. There's a discreet trigger warning up front which, as far as I can remember, mostly concerns stuff that happens in one particular guy's route (which is darker than the rest but still not horrific, although I'm probably not the best litmus test here – I've seen some shit). There's also an emphasis on consent, too, that, while pointed, doesn't feel too forced and is quietly woven into the lore itself.

As for inclusiveness, there are six male and three female romantic options, with the sex scenes is implied and entirely optional – I mean, there's even an achievement for taking the asexual route.

Or, some would argue, normal.

One kind of baffling feature I also have to mention is the presence of QuickTime events. Are QuickTime events a thing in visual novels now? They were at a couple of points in Seduce Me, but the indicator bar was quite difficult to spot so I managed to fail my first (which was pretty embarrassing).

Seriously, though.

You also get little colour-coded heart icons in the bottom right of the screen when you make a decision that endears you towards a particular incubus as well as arcane symbols when you do something aligned with either order or chaos, but the latter doesn't seem to have too much bearing on anything in the grand scheme of things so seemed a little pointless. These are both relatively small things that are easily figured out after a couple of playthroughs but perhaps something to point out to the player up front.

Who's your husbando though?

Initially I thought it was going to be James (stereotypical stern glasses wearer and grammar pedant who doesn't understand human emotions – so basically me), but Damien's story is actually pretty nuanced (and, let's not forget, fucked up) as well as giving you some interesting insights into the overarching plot.

Another visual novel staple: the obligatory onsen scene.

As there was the option, I'm also going to pick a waifu. Diana's kind of cool and has sweet theme music (plus her route is super long and tells you all kind of good setting shit), but she spends a lot of time either going I AM THE ANTAGONIST or I AM THE EXPOSITION (though admittedly you literally ask for that in her route). I think I'd rather spend time chilling out and playing video games with Suzu.

Suzu’s expression accurately represents my own feelings when placed in a similar environment.

TL;DR?

Seduce Me was actually way better than I expected, and to be honest I'd probably play the second (which was successfully funded on Kickstarter in December 2015) as long as I can still pass off doing so as morbid curiosity for the purposes of plausible deniability (hey, I’ve got street cred to maintain).

My bloated corpse being eaten by an inevitable horde of cats.

BONUS

Here are some of the notes I took during while playing the game, most of which I don't even remember making (disclaimer: the product of painkillers and not sleeping).

ON THE MC ANIME AS FUCK RINGTONE ALERT

I FOUND A PLOT LAPTOP

OH SHIT I LOOK LIKE THE GIRL FROM LABYRINTH DOUBLE DENIM ALL THE WAY

NOW DO I SUMMON MY HUSBANDO? NAH, I'M GONNA FUCKING DO THIS SHIT MYSELF AW, QUIT YER WHINING, WE GOT THIS UH OH, MUH MAGICS YEAH, LET'S USE MAGIC, FUCK WAITING UM, SHOULD WE BE WORRIED ABOUT IT BEING DARK MAGIC?

ON FAMILY

THANKS, RICH PARENTS (ALSO THERE'S SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS CAR)

DADCHIEVEMENT

SO MY GRANDAD GAVE HIS LIFE TO BRING ME A HAREM OF SEX DEMONS WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE A LOAD OF SEX DEMONS WITH YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER? WHY NOT USE YOUR LAST STRENGTH FOR A MUFASA MOMENT? WAS I NOT WORTH THAT?

WAIT, MY DAD IS MR ANDERSON

ON THE INCUBI GET REKT, INCUBUTTS

ERIK YOU SLIMY CUNT

ALERT, ALERT: TRAGIC PAST DETECTED

FLIRT WITH ALL THE BOYS

SAM, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LOOKS HIGH AS FUCK?

HI MUM, HI DAD, HERE'S MY HAREM

>MAKE CHICKEN AND RICE >THEY DON'T WANT IT UNGRATEFUL FUCKS

>INTIMATE SEX ISN'T MOST SEX PRETTY INTIMATE?

YES, GIVE ME YOUR SWEET PLOT BUTTON

P GUD M8

OH GOD OBLIGATORY CAT GIRL

ON ANDREW (AKA SENTIENT CREAM CRACKER) WELL HE LOOKS BORING 0/HUSBANDO

UH OH SECRETS OH SHIT IS HE MALIX? HE'S MALIX RIGHT? (If only this had turned out to be true)