I regularly find myself fantasising about a descent from softness and affection into something much more sadistic. It isn't the cruelty itself that draws me back. It's the journey there.
At first, it's simple. Sitting beside him on the sofa, his hand absent mindedly in my hair while I colour, watch TV, or just admire him. He tells me how proud he is, calls me sweetheart, Daddy's good girl, his precious girl. I feel safe, cherished, completely at ease in his attention. I am content.
Then, the praise starts to change. A teasing comment here, a smirk there. His hand beneath my chin still looks affectionate, but begins to feel more like control. He pulls my attention back to him, moves me closer, tells me how pretty I am and how he just can’t help himself. The names shift too. Daddy's needy girl. His dirty girl. He points out how quickly I respond to him, how much I seek his approval, how easily I give him what he wants. Stupid girl. His little idiot.
The soft caresses of my cheeks become a tight grip on my jaw and slaps of increasing severity. Where his hands were lightly tracing my body, he's now grabbing and digging his fingers into my skin. He tells me he knows I want it, that he knows what girls like me need. Pathetic bitch and Daddy's stupid cunt replace the names of endearment that he was using only a short time ago. The softness from before becomes something he uses to make me feel small, exposed, and humiliated.
The fantasy always end the same way. He's undressing me whilst I'm trying to comprehend how we got from colouring and forehead kisses to sexual violence. He's slapping, punching and kicking me everywhere. There is a mixture of sarcastic praise and degradation. When I try to get up off of the floor, or try to defend myself, he pushes me back down. When I beg for him to stop and ask him why he's doing this, he mocks me. Until eventually, depleted in energy I stay down, silently sobbing. He mounts me, pins me to the floor & tells me to take it like a big girl and to make Daddy proud as he fucks my dry ass.
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