i do what i want

kakuzu - 10+ espressos in one day bc he used to do coke and get into bar fights/illegal racing in his twenties and his nervous system never recovered from the wild years despite him not into that lifestyle anymore. he needs those weekly heart transplants. he handrolls his cigs for a complete and balanced balkan breakfast cause they are cheaper that way but the tobacco is so dense that they sound like the metal pipe sound effect when he drops them. keeps side eyeing hidan for his energy drinks like a boomer bc he thinks even drugs are healthier than that shit. if he was an energy drink he would be the double espresso hell ice coffee.

hidan - kong strong, any flavor, or hell (any, but he says he prefers the multivitamin one. he thinks it counts as a supplement. his actual preference is the sugar free strawberry one but has a weird complex around the pink can). drinks energy drinks instead of water. he has erosive battery acid piss and if you shake him his kidney stones rattle around in his kidney like maracas. non-smoker, his body is a temple, afterall. thinks he is better than kakuzu for this exact reason. when he dies he will be on the news as "healthy man in his twenties died after consuming energy drinks" and concerned parents will use him as an example why they want energy drinks banned. he would be the ultra rosa monster - mentally ill women are really into it.

kisame - he drinks white monster. he has the vibes of a frat guy that would wear sunglasses on the back of his head during a festival and you want to hate him for blocking the stage but he is really apologetic and polite about his height and tries to not block your view. he is wearing one those low cut armpit muscle shirts with gym quotes. i feel like he would be a snus guy since due to his beastly phisique he can tolerate borderline lethal amounts of nicotine. eats creatine and pre-workout caffeine supplements with a spoon. he would be the aussie lemonade monster or the sea blue redbull. i first tasted the sea blue redbull on a rave bc i suddenly got tired halfway into the third dj set and the bar only had this specific flavor. i had no idea what the hell is juneberry and i expected something meh but it was chilled to perfect ice cold and an unexpected pick me up. which was a bit like his appearance in og naruto. wow cool shark guy, what the fuck is he doing here with that snazzy little coat...

itachi - sugar free coca cola but only sparingly. he is detached from the ways of normal human beings and thinks when rappers talk about drinking they mean soda. other than that he is a tea nerd/snob and does all sorts of unnecessary bullshit with expensive equipment to "open up the tea leaves for flavor". huge tea collection with names that sound like weed strains. non-smoking, he thinks being addicted to nicotine is a moral failing (as a child he promised his mom he will never smoke). he would be the black cherry hell based on vibes alone. he looks like he would taste like black cherry.

sasori - insufferable artisanal coffee guy. he would be into iqos bc he started smoking when he was 11 years old and is trying to switch to "healthier" alternatives in the last decade. despite this modern sasori would die as a shriveled but active and healthy old man from natural causes at 110 years old with the pinkest and healthiest set of lungs. he would be the thai red bull. it has medical properties, is hella expensive and a bit pretentious. oooh look at me, im not drinking regular red bull, i went to a different corner store that had thai red bull for twice the price (worth it tbh).

deidara - also an insufferable artisanal coffee guy but in a way that pisses off sasori specifically. his energy drink choice is bomba (duh). vapsolo/elfbar guy who sells them at school and on fucking snapchat of all places. he would be the 500 ml hell energy that contains a little less caffeine than other energy drinks and due to this little legal loophole it can be purchased by minors. i love deidei but his effect on teen brains should be studied.

orochimaru - i feel like he is one of those disgusting freaks that dont need any caffeine. he just goes to sleep and wakes up well rested. someone with this many crimes against humanity shouldnt have such an impeccable sleep schedule. life is unfair. though he appreciates a good tea or quality coffee from time to time, but only for the flavor. he would be kobra (low hanging fruit. i apologize). back when i was in high school i bought the 1.5 litres version of kobra after i spent the night at the trap house and drank it all under the course of a school day bc i had exams. by the end of the day i couldnt feel my heartbeat and got clammy and thought i was gonna die. after that day my body didnt tolerate any caffeine until i was in my twenties. its just like the curse mark.

tobi - prefers classic monster (with the picture of ghost on it) and "collects" (hoards) empty cans. he started drinking it as an edgy teen and stuck with the flavor since then. he still dresses like a stunted skater kid despite being in his 30s and listens to emo teen angst rock. i will say this as many times as i have to, but he has one of those goofy ass og vape devices where you have to pour in the liquid and he does smoke tricks. he is STARVED for someone finally rewarding him with a "wow dude thats sick!!!!". it never happened yet but he persists. sour twist burn. first it appears to be standard green apple but the flavor gets more complex and sour as you go on. pairs really well with sour gummy worms.

zetsu - he is on so many prescribed psych meds that the cocktail of them could kill a horse, but they are all medically necessary, and he cant drink, smoke, drive, or consume caffeine, or eat grapefruit, otherwise he will go into a fucked up psychotic episode and end up in jail/the psych ward (again) where he is forced to stay until he stops believing that he can communicate with an alien race he descended from and eating squirrels alive recharges this ability. watermelon monster. im extremely neutral about it. good thing its there. could be so much better and the wasted potential pisses me off.

konan - she appears really chill but only bc she is on ssris. "but first, coffee!" milennial. she is into really sugary iced lattes with syrups. has a dediacted stanley cup with rhinestones and charms which she uses to hammer nails into the wall. before she went on ssris she beat up a man in a starbucks parking lot (with the sparkly stanley cup!) for blocking the entrance. she was doing the coffee round for nagato and she took her duty too seriously. no tobacco, but she smokes so much weed due to the constant stress from taking care of nagato she has no idea its an addiction bc "she just needs it to feel normal". shes giving mango loco monster, maybe because of her tatted alt milennial vibes she would be absolutely into dia los muertos and halloween.

nagato - for some reason he strikes me as a guy that doesnt drink any water and only drinks soda. in the end its the sugar that kills him. ultra fiesta mango. mango loco is better but the stores usually only have ultra fiesta mango. it has that sickly sweetener taste to it. i violently do not give a shit about it but im forced to consume it instead of the superior version.

bonus:

the 4 unnamed members murdered by kakuzu - "AI" flavored hell energy. they all deserved death and their murder was justified. looking at the nonsense package fills me with the same cold anger that kakuzu experienced. it just tastes like nothing and what the fuck does "flavor designed by artifical intelligence" mean. its a fucking drink. at least the gamer edition had a hot egirl on the can and they tasted like cherries AND raspberries. discontinuing that for this disgrace? death to your uber drivers grandmas witness.