T h e . S i n n e r

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What are you thinking? How are you feeling? What have we done to each other? What will we do?

It’s been few months, nothjng has changed the pain is just the same, I barely talk to anyone

I pretend that I’m strong, I fake happiness

Would it help!!

How would it, when I imagine myself beating her whenever I close my eyes!

How can I control this anger!

When she’s infront of me all the time

Keeping me under her observation and my mom’s tears didn’t dry!

They are faking love and care, I dont need their love or attention, I just want them to forget about me!

I’m preached a thousand times in a day,

They are wasting My energy, distracting me from becoming a better person,

I’ve got no one to talk to, I have no one who would really understand me, I feel like I bore anyone I talk to,

It’s like I’m in the middle of this shit with no backbone, I don’t know how to vent , or how to get all this negativity out of me!

on the 15th of June,

 I was on a date, the lady asked me “What is the most precious thing you have?”

I replied “my journals, I had been documenting all my ups and downs since I was 13, there I spoil my anger and joy If I lost my memory this notebook will remind me of everything, it’s as precious as my heart”

-”what if someone else read it?”

-”I’m gonna be definitely screwed, yet, I wrote a page explaining why they should respect my privacy etc. , it’s been 10 years now nobody provoked my privacy, I think my family knows the limits, it will only be painful for them to read my truth after my death”.

on the 3rd of July,

I went into my room, it wasn’t the same, my closet was messy, the lighter that my date gifted me was missing, and so the cigarette pack, I knew that this was my sister’s act, I asked why, she just denied, the conspiracy was so clear here.

 my sister is 8 years older than me, she is a good religious Muslim lady, obviously a homophobe, I ran to her phone to check who she talked to who else did she tell that she made an achievement and caught a pack of cigarette, as I’m holding her phone I was thinking should I provoke her privacy?, but she did provoke mine? should I, shouldn’t?

anyway, I’m a secret keeper, I’m going to ignore whatever I find.

I checked her phone and my heart was almost beating out of my chest, I couldn’t breathe it’s like my head was tangling, I have seen pictures of pages from my notebook, she checked everything I have ever wrote, she got me feeling like a naked body in a public square, not only that she read them or took pictures of them, she told our older sister too, they started analysing my mental health, judging as if I’m a psychopath who needs some urgent help.

in my life, I have never felt this anger I wanted to punch her face, I wanted to scream and yell, yet, I knew that this will never be the right thing to do, instead, I cried and let my tears wash my anger, I gave myself the time to get my balance back and think rationally.

on the 7th of July,

I started a new diary I wrote few lies that I’m changing and becoming a new person, at night I invited my sisters to the dinner, I left a long letter next to every plate (like movies yeah), explaining how I realized that I’m gay and how I tried to change my reality, how I got myself engaged to a man that I’ve never loved just for the hope of becoming “normal”, I explained that nothing worked and that they have to just accept me for who I am, they faked a couple of tears, hugged me, and whispered at least try therapy, choose the therapist that you like.

seems a quite cool reaction for religious folks, right?

I thought, okay let’s go to the therapist this will prove my point the sexual orientation isn’t changeable.

on the 14th of July,

I was heading to my flight in order to attend my brother’s wedding, for some reason the police officer stopped me, checked my phone and knew that I’m gay, he kept questioning me for 4 hours, took my passport and I missed the flight and the wedding, I only got the passport back after showing off my powers and that I have contacts 

on the 22nd of July,

I went to the seaside on a solo trip, I went there to run away from the drama that keeps following me, the further I get from home, the more peaceful I get, call it a respite trip, I met new people to talk to and to fight the sadness with, I had my old notebook in hand, I knew I had to get rid of, just it was too difficult to burn my memories or to throw them in a trash, what did I do?

I handed it to a tourist couple, I do still have hope that one day, I’m gonna have my own place where I’m gonna fill with all my memories, only then I’m gonna get back my notebook from them.

a week later I went back home and to my routine, the routine of checking my sister’s phone and feeling the eyes that follow you everywhere, I read how much she hates looking at me, and how she thinks that I’m going to have sex in everytime I left the house,she organised the first session with that religious therapist, they talked together before talking to me, the therapist said my case is very late and that she’s going to need 6 months to build a trust with me before using her amazing brainwashing techniques(you are allowed to curse).

on the 17th of August,

my grandpa died and mom broke down between my arms.

on the 21st of August,

I found out that my sisters told mom about me, since then, Mom never stopped weeping, she hugs me every now and then and cries,she gets panic attacks whenever I tell her I’m going to chill out, I tried as hard as I could to keep her away from this pain, and I don’t understand why my sisters told her, I wonder if they are enjoying the drama or that they want her control my behavior more, how could they think that it’s a good idea ! I don’t understand!