renaissance

In grade school, I listened to my teacher share how he only had one girlfriend and ended up marrying that same woman. I had shared that I did not ever want to get married and that I would prefer to be successful in my career instead. He laughed at me and said "You'll change your mind eventually when you grow up."

In high school, I had low self-esteem and deep-seated insecurity, perhaps like many other teenagers do. I looked at my classmates who all had crushes or boyfriends, and started to feel like something was wrong with me because I didn't have any admirers. I chose to focus instead on what I could do, which was studying, though I can say now I wasn't that good at it either.

In college, I chose a new environment where I didn't know anyone and suddenly found myself in the spotlight. I had admirers left and right, and yet when I tried to achieve the same thing as my teacher, life did a good job in reminding me that Sir Nigel's story was rare. That love was a slot machine—there were more chances of losing than winning.

No matter, I was resolute on trying again. Except... I kept trying, and nothing was working. Then I tried some more, and it still wouldn't work. The more I wanted something, the more they slipped through my hands like grains of sand. In a span of 5 months, I've lost all and gained none. It was like the fates were playing a sick joke on me through unwanted repeated lessons of transience and my own temporariness.

"Always liked, never pursued"; corny, but it's true. Like a spectre, the closer you look at me, the more you want to get away. For some reason or another, I was never worth the risk. No matter how small and palatable I made myself, I was always bound to fuck up.

Sir Nigel was right—I've since changed. Now, I would like to have a person, perhaps even be married, and to discover the world with a constant by my side. The irony is that now that I find myself desiring that thing, it seems to evade me again and again.

I used to be a highly patriotic Filipino. In fact, I used to be so patriotic to the point of judging people who didn't know how to or chose not to speak their mother tongue!

When everyone else were eager to strip themselves of their national identity, I was one of those who tutted in disapproval.

Despite my burning patriotism, I still acknowledged that the country had severe issues. To me and perhaps for many as well, it was like the Philippines had a penchant for trouble. Still, I kept putting those problems in the back of my mind because, well, it's almost Tatak Pinoy™ at this point right?; where every day a new issue to stress about just popped out left and right. I lived my days dreaming that perhaps someday, God would finally turn His head on us and send us someone who well and truly good to be our saving grace, a modern Messiah of sorts.

When VP Leni announced that she would fight for the presidency, I felt hope. Meager and paltry as it was, I felt true hope—that perhaps God had finally dealt us His merciful hand and given our country a chance.

For months after her declaration, hope bloomed like a precarious flower in my heart.

When the long-awaited day came, I felt nerves but also excitement. Not only because I am a first-time voter, but because genuine change was so close that I could taste it. I'm notorious for being the most pessimistic of all, that even when victory in school competitions would be inches near, I would still believe that it could be snatched away. Thus, to brace for impact, I convinced myself that no matter what happened, I would never regret making the only right choice.

But just like the memory that evades you, the word that stays on the tip of your tongue, and the sand between your fingers, hope slipped from our grasps again.

Just when I gave myself a shot at optimism, the utopia I envisioned for us all came crashing down at my feet.

As the fabled saying goes: "Nasa tao ang gawa, nasa Diyos ang awa." Like in Michelangelo's painting Creazione di Adamo, humanity had to stretch out its fingers and receive His grace too.

After all, what good is an outstretched hand when no one reaches back?

Dreams of a prospering Philippines has crumbled right in front of our eyes. As a young person who yearns selfishly for myself, selflessly for others, and whose heart breaks regularly para sa mga nasa laylayan... I am simply distraught. Just when I thought we could finally dare to dream, thieves unexpectedly came in the night to seize that away and even stopped to slap me in the face for even thinking of the prospect.

If you ask me now whether I am still my same patriotic self, I'd say I'm not so proud anymore. No, actually, I'm not proud at all. I am beyond ashamed and mortified to be a Filipino. This country is utterly God-forsaken and irrevocably hopeless.

Hv a good day/night