My Daily Rant

Is it normal to feel depressed because you're on depression medication

I want to post stuff about my mom on other social media outlets but I don't think it's appropriate. Tumblr has made me many friends over the years and the type of friends who I know will skim this post or actually read it and care which is a good thing. It's also produced the love of my life but yeah. I get drunk a lot and I think of my mom a lot. I can't get over the fact that I won't ever see her again. In fact in sitting in the exact spot where she used to greet me to say goodbye when she was going to work. I look at pictures of her and wonder when she's coming home. I listen to songs and try and wait till she's comes in the room telling me stories about when she heard the song for the first time. Ever since she passed I've had major illness anxiety. Every twitch of a muscle or every pain I always think the worst. I've seen the Doctor so many times. My doc has always related everything to anxiety. Idk I hope I guess. This post is just a lot of ranting I think. I'm upset a lot. I wouldn't post this anywhere else but I'm upset that a lot of my "friends" over the years didn't attend my mothers wake and service. I saw all my brothers friends come and comfort them and honestly I saw no one of my closer friends come. I understand that they might have had other important things to do but I'm still upset about it. My brother scott had friends that he hadn't seen since grade school come to the wake. Idk. I honestly thought my brain would be better by now. Since she passed I've seen the Doctor about having heart attacks, brain tumors, oral cancer, testicular cancer and ALS. I keep getting a diagnosis of anxiety with little exploration of my symptoms. I'm not happy with it but it puts my mind to rest for a bit. My mind won't except it but if I felt these symptoms before my mom died I would just brush them off. I think thinking about them makes them worse. I dropped out of college this semester and spend most of my day laying in bed. Probably makes things a lot worse. Everyone says people handle grief in all different ways. I never thought I'd be someone that was held back by a mental illness but that's how things seem to be going and I hate it. I grew up without any "tragic" things happenings to me. Well my parents fought a lot when I was younger which has made me kind of hate my dad. That's another day and another story. For now, I just know I can't stay at this house anymore. Showering in the same shower my mom did, seeing her clothes, shoes and even driving her car makes me freak out. She was the purest of people and such a lovely lady. Not a bad bone her body. She prayed every day. I remember before she left on her trip her praying at an alter we have in our house. I remember saying goodbye to her before she went to the airport. I remember her calling me before she went swimming that led to her death. I remember missing a call from her with updates on where she was. I missed that last moment. I don't know why she or her my dad thought it was okay for her to go swimming when she had a cold and could barely talk. I don't know. Maybe that's why I don't talk to my dad anymore. Or it could be because he treated her like shit for the past 15 years. I don't know. All I know is I miss my mom. She used to bring us tacos when we were all drunk. She enjoyed the simple things. All she did was work, play candy crush and watch the cubs play. There are so many resentments I have that I wish I didn't have. They all lead toward my dad but like I said it's for another day. If you made it this far in this post, please call your mom. Or anyone that would make you feel this way if they weren't there tomorrow.