maud

feels like i'm moving too slow. i'm dating this person and they're wonderful and patient but i'm so painfully slow and it's been a few months already and they've hinted at wanting to go further than just making out but i've shut it down every time bc i've never gone further with anyone and it stresses me out. like we'd need to have a real conversation about it first but i'm worried about bringing it up too soon in case i'm not ready even after the conversation.

i still do not understand how people enjoy sleeping. falling asleep is so fucking boring and uncomfortable, it's like my body cant ever find a position to relax in so it's just frustration. and then if i wake up for whatever reason (neighbours, roommates, some strsngers having conversations below my window) i immediately get irritable and mad and cant fall back asleep. and then ofc no matter what, whether i slept unimterrupted or not, i always wake up through a process of my body feeling so achy and uncomfortable from laying in bed for more than five hours that i toss and turn for an hour at least, trying to get more sleep bc i cant fucking open my eyes and am so fucking tired but my body doesnt wanna sleep. and this is not even mentioning summertime when it's fucking bright 24/7.

i'm very mentally unhealthy for someone who hasnt faced true hardship in their life

a nice thing about the "autistic people cant lie" stereotype is that it makes it really easy for autistic people, such as myself, to lie to people

i'm gonna regret putting this thought out into the universe but part of me thinks that finding a random man to have sex with while drunk will be the easiest way for me to lose my virginity and get over the "this is the first time i'm doing it so idk what to do" insecurity/fear. bc as with most things, i'm nervous about the fact that i dont know what it's like or what the expected behaviour is.

honestly i think becoming aware of being autistic and low empathy just made it easier for me to accept the way i am and thus easier to not change the way i am.

i hate my body so much but i dont know how to differentiate between what hatred is motivated by my past eating disorder (where i was obsessed with being skinny) and what could potentially be gender-related (idk if thats even a thing for me bc would e.g. getting top surgery make me love my body more or do i just think that bc i subconsciously associate flat chest with skinny)

went from a teenager who couldnt imagine living past twenty to a early-20-something who could vaguely image a future to a mid-20-something who cant even image next month

i keep lying to people that i "have bad hearing" bc i dont know how to shortly and concisely explain that i sometimes cannot understand what people are saying bc i just hear gibberish, or bc theres too much noise, and i dont know why i cant understand what people are saying even when they repeat it a hundred times. and i do feel kinda bad about lying.