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@vilidexbi
VILIDEXBI / ANUBIS.
this is a temporary blog post.
this is a blog for inner thoughts, experiences, and my mental illness.
The posts will be ambiguous in nature, and perhaps occasionally there will be a story.
! theme credits go to captchalogue here on tumblr !
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Well, end of act 1. You guys don't know what that means, but I do. What a shitty act, we'll pick it up somewhere else. Goodbye.
Alright, back to our happy schedule. Crisis aside, I'm thinking of you. Sometimes, I wonder what it would feel like to feel you hold me. And I mean a mean our bodies close to one another, genuinely. We're not inherently sexual about our closeness. We make jokes and all that, but. I don't know. I guess I hope things deepen over time. Despite what it seems, I'm not just like.. some super horny guy. I'll admit that, yeah. I make jokes about it, but actual intimacy has always scared the shit out of me. I never had a healthy relationship with a lot of things. Romance or sex, you know that. I mean at least I'm sure you can guess. I don't know, it's kinda crazy because I'll meet people and try my best to feel comfortable with them, but you're actually.. sweet on me? I don't know I just want to be held first of all, I've never been cuddled, not since I was young. I don't really hug people either so I guess I'm almost like completely touchless. I just, I want to sort of change things with myself? I want to stop viewing things in a sexual way because.. well, even when I talk about sex in regards to us. I don't really mean like.. oh, that's it. You know? I'd never mean that. I more so offer it because it's a comfort thing. I guess the other shit on my page doesn't help but thankfully, that stops now. You're so sweet, you know? And I really like your voice.
I feel like... I relate to Jake because of things I write for him personally. Like he gets this loving family, a nice big home, and peace. But in ways I write him with some of my aspects, we both struggle with love or accepting love. I think that's because of how my father and extended family treated me. So when I have certain characters I like, I give them better. Even with Dave, I completely rewrote things in a separate universe just so he definitely has a father who cares for him. But I'm really starting to hate a lot of things. Saying I hate myself is an easy statement, it's the easiest statement a person can make. I actually hate the fact that I'm not wired like everyone else, I can't let people do little annoying things and not be phased. Most people are like wild animals to me and it makes me sick to interact with them, the coordination is way way off. The attitudes about things are way way off. And then you sit there and wonder where the fuck we even got this type of thinking in the first place? And I don't know. I don't think it matters right now. What does matter is that, I keep saying it's hard to connect to people and that's true. But nothing changes. I don't really like meeting new people, because they probably won't like me. And even if that's "Okay" it also isn't. It's checks and balances. So I have me, first and foremost. I have me, Lutz, Red, and Sunny. And I try because of them, not because of other external people because if I just went offline. And I never answered another message, what really am I? Just.. a person? Someone who disappeared off of the face of the planet? It would be like any other time. Because if it's going to be loneliness, I'd prefer disappearing. Build a new house. Anyways back to Jake, I don't even want a wife. I think I'd end up being too distant because I don't know how you're supposed to love someone. There's a lot of steps, or at least that's how it feels. Anyone I've loved has either died, disappeared, or they didn't exist. Because let's face it, I dated people when I was younger that I didn't love. That wasn't a "first love." My boyfriend at the time Aristotle was, and then he killed himself and I think from then on I got better, because he's resting but just.. like, after him.. a wife? Of all things? My connection is with me , clearly. Every male relationship I've had has been more raw and feeling, but I was too young at the time. Now that I'm older, I've wasted my time on a girl I forced myself to like. And now she gets a balding boyfriend while I should've been, I don't know. Working on finding someone I'd actually feel comfortable with. Not some weirdo who treats me like eye candy. So I don't even want a wife, but a big house and peace would be amazing. Not in this economy, though.
You'd just think that I'd have more friends but it's all so much work, and sometimes I feel like it's not for me. I'm so tired of trying to be there that maybe I should just leave. Maybe I'm not cut out for people, maybe no one really cares for me because I'm not really here.
No more horny thoughts, invest in a dildo and SHUT THE FUCK UPPP PLEAAAAASE. You keep going and someone's gonna find out who you're writing about and we'll have to flee the country. You can moan his name while you ride, just for the love of fuck shut up for at least like a week.
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and now I have this weird fit of loneliness that tells me that most people will never understand me. I think this is the stuff that kills people, and I know I'm in danger. I try to focus and maybe I only did all this to feel worth something. But I don't think I'm worth much after all. The people I want, don't want me. The people I know start to drift from me. At some point anyways, and usually when I was younger it was the same phrase. "treat people better, and you'll be a lot happier." My mom said to me multiple times that she was surprised I didn't have a village of friends, just lanes and lanes of people who love me. People just, aren't like that. People are not really.. loving. Or maybe it's just me. I've refused to be run over or discarded after what occurred with my father and I've been punished for that. People are often selfish, people have too many complexities but that doesn't mean they'll understand yours. And with the current state of things, people aren't good at keeping friends. So what am I? Unfeeling monster? Or am I just not like other people and have to explore for a thousand more years to find who I am? I don't really think I can change as easily as everyone wants me to. I can't be perfect and all loved. And it hurts, but then it just.. forces me away from people more. 'It is toxic to assume that someone needs to spend their every waking moment with you, to show that they care.' and yet when my friends are gone for too long. I drift. I'm not close to anyone anymore, over time I get replaced or.. something goes wrong. So I guess sometimes I think I should start over. And I mean, kill myself and hope reincarnation is real type of start over. I won't, most likely. I'll get in this mood and then get out but this is dangerous shit. One day I could enter this mood and never get out again, then it's sort of just.. game over? I don't really like myself, and not because I think there is anything to really hate but just because I struggle to do tasks, and.. be what my friends want. It's hard for me to have people that stick around. So I don't know. I'll be in my 20s, but I really don't know if I'll reach my 30s. I just don't have anyone who gets it and that's hell, like genuine hell. Like this is me saying I need help. But it's just me. And right now life feels like it's worth nothing. So, whatever happens to me happens to me. I guess I really am just doomed. I guess it goes down to, how I would do it if I even could bring myself to that. I don't know. I just don't want to do this.
! Drugs mention, slight mentions of sexual trauama, sexual content. My fantasies turned into slight fanfiction at 3 am QUESTIONABLE EVERYTHING !
I saw a guy today who looks like you. He was really pretty, and I stared for a bit wondering if it was you honestly. I think your hair would look nice like that. I think seeing you be happy with a turtleneck on, some slacks and boots would be nice. But that wasn't you. I told him i thought he looked cool, because.. what else do you say? 'You remind me of this guy I really know' ? Yeah, scare the daylights out of someone. I've gotten that before and it's always uncomfortable. But anyways, he reminded me of you.
It's Valentine's Day and I'm going to be getting de-stress "medicine" Not weed, to clarify. But I am like, failing Calculus so if I'm going to pull things together, I need the assist. Can't expect Red to do everything, he can consider this to be a vacation. I didn't even sleep well last night, I haven't been sleeping well for a while. So this should hopefully help me a lot. I also need to make more friends so, we got a list of shit to do..... yeah. Besides that, I called that pretty boy I know yesterday. He's really sweet, it was nice talking to him. He's really caring and stuff. I also have a bunch of stuff I ordered that's coming so that I can know .. start my journey on having such good skin. I already have good skin but you can always improve. I'll be okay is the moral of the story, fuck math, etc etc.
! Please DON'T read the following if CNC or consensual stalking makes you uncomfortable. For obvious reasons I will have checks on this post to spare your eyes, if you read further please note that you've been warned and this is trauma talking. !
Sometimes I think about you. Not just the casual way that I think about others, sometimes it's raw and disgusting. Recently I've been having a fantasy of sorts about you, will you listen to it for me? Will it drive you away? Sometimes I imagine that I'm out shopping for groceries and within the busy store, there you are wearing all black. The cap on your head is black as well, and it makes it hard to see your eyes. In a realistic setting, this is suspicious but to all the people shopping - this attire seems to blend you right in. I know you're there and I feel you watching my every move from a distance as you pretend to shop. But you're watching me, you want me. God, you want me. It makes me nervous because you could have me at any time. Any time at all, I know you wouldn't do it here because that's not what was agreed. But I'm oblivious from what it seems, I don't notice a man following me around the store dressed in all black who cannot keep his eyes off me for long. By the time I exit the grocery store, I parked away from other cars. I put my things in the trunk like a weirdo, and a few items go in the back seat. Before long you're behind me, and you have a gun. I ask if you want money but you say you just want me, and all you want is to love me so I cooperate. you turn me to face you and I look into your eyes, I know those eyes well but they're very different in this scenario. You're hungry for me. You push me into the backseat, hold the gun to my temple as you tell me just to be good. Just to let you have this, to let you have me. To love me like I deserve and I feel fear because I don't want to be shot even though the gun isn't really loaded. You just want to make love to me. And even throughout it, throughout me begging and being overstimulated I know that I'm safe with you. That even if you pulled the trigger I'd be safe in your arms. You fuck into me like it's the last thing you'll ever do, everything about it is more than I can take but I like it. I need it. I asked you for this long before this even took place. And at the end of it, you check on me to make sure I was really okay with it. The gun isn't loaded, nor real. And we get to go home. Isn't that lovely?
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It's late now, and I watch the tide crash against the beach with you. The only thing there is the light of the moon, and the sand beneath us. I sit holding my legs and I look over at you wondering what you're thinking, Dirk. I think I'll always wonder. This is the one time you've come to shore, the one time you've felt the sand beneath you and not the waves. I want to ask. But I can't. Why do I always think of us in these moments? We've known each other for not long, isn't it strange? I don't like it. Not because I don't like thinking of you, but I always worry what it means about me. Are we so connected? I think it's just me. I think I just admire the way you can carry yourself. Then again, am I like all those others – the ones who go out to sea to find you while I'm on the beach? I don't know, Dirk. I don't know what I am. I don't even know if you're there, because when I reach to touch you, it's me who isn't really here. It's me who isn't even close. I have to wait some more. Still, I want to know what it's like. I want to know what you're thinking as you feel the sand on your skin. But it's your time, not mine. So I won't ask. I'll just sit here with you like I have been, and be happy that you're here at all. Am I invited to your sea castle yet?
I shouldn't do this, but thank God it isn't on main.. Sometimes I think of you on your knees in front of me. Begging to taste me, and it drives me mad because it's wrong. I shouldn't want that from you, not from you. I should want us to just be friends, to just be normal but then I think about your tongue on me. I know I'd given in, I know I'd do whatever it is that you'd ask of me. I'd fuck your mouth, feel your tongue on me and beg for release. I'd tell you I couldn't do it on your tongue, that I'm too shy — and you'd hold me in place. Because you want me to. You know I won't unless you take initiative. Just a little nudge. I've never been touched like this before. I've been groped and humped, but never did I do anything that felt good for me. You'd want to use your fingers inside of me, and I'd tell you that you shouldn't.. that I wouldn't be able to stand so you put me on the bed. I'd let it slip that I love you, I don't know if I'd mean it romantically. Maybe it's deeper than romance, maybe I just love who you are. And how perfect you are to me. How raw you are with me. I shouldn't want it, but I imagine us sneaking off to the bathroom during a gathering of your friends. I tell you I'm nervous, and you say that we don't have to go far.. we can just kiss. I want to. I'm so scared of touch though. I'm so scared of it but I want it to be with you. I need you, bro. I need the comfort you bring me. I want your hands on my body. God, I'm sick. We're just friends. I'm sorry.
And just like that we are back in the box. I realized a long time ago that very little people stick around to get to know me, most people prefer talking to other people over me. Because of the human condition, you cannot complain about it. You absolutely cannot. You can't bother people, you can't ask why they don't prefer you because it comes across as clingy. So you just rot. You rot until you absolutely fade away. I have one friend that I talk to most of the time, he's younger than me and he's like a little brother to me. I value him more than he understands because everyone else treats me like garbage. I'm never important to anyone that I know. So what happens? You all get recycled. Red doesn't enjoy people around me, I always say it's for no reason but I think he's starting to get that most people don't care about me. I think that, because Lutz is here, I'm starting to get their point. I don't think anyone really cares about me, I think I act as a service for most people. I think people only like what I can do for them. A jester of sorts, I think Red noticed this long ago and instead of understanding that he is half of me and that I can understand - he sat and told me nothing. Let's keep ranting like a crazy person, shall we? At their cores, I am understanding what they are better than anyone else can. They are protecting me through an algorithm of sorts. Red is not inherently bad, and I don't say this in a sweet tone. I'm pissed, I'm absolutely angry because if they were separate from me, they would treat me better than most. Let's dissect everything.
At the core of everything, I mostly say I relate to Dave. Trauma wise, yes. My father used to beat me if I got things wrong, If I asked too many questions to him and most of all if I wanted him to leave me alone. I remember getting chased down the street when I was younger by him because I attempted to go home. My mother had custody of me when I was younger because my father was unfit. That's all you get to know. That's all you should want to know. Mentally though, I'm a little too serious to be Dave. No. He is written in a way that utterly betrays his trauma. Mentally, I'm Dirk. And I don't mean the interests, I don't care much for robotics and crafting the blah blah blah. I'm incredibly mentally ill from years of my family treating me like a punching bag. I was a good kid, I was just curious about things and look what it's gotten me. No genuine friends, no genuine happiness. And I'm still alive mainly due to the idea that we don't know what comes after all this. But really? I've tried to keep friends. The people I often most wanted to speak to in life, never wanted to be friends with me and then the few friends I had always disappointed me. Always made me uncomfortable. This gets me called controlling, despite my discomfort it would really only cause me to detach. Not try and change them. When people do something wrong to me, I become avoidant. I instantly think "Let's leave." I'm instantly told, "Leave." So many old friends who have done some sort of action and not listened to me trying to help them out of a bad situation have been left behind because of this. My ex said that I MUST be a robot, unfeeling and uncaring. The fact of me leaving was because I cared too much. I never try to control their actions, and I know that that's not a good thing to want to do. So I never want to do it. But I always turn to look at the door. You've made me uncomfortable, so I'm heading out now. Who knows if you'll ever see me again. Does that make me happy? No. But oftentimes, being left alone by your specifically female friends so they can pursue some guy who treats them like garbage will set you off when you watched your father be terrible to your mother. So yes, I was disappointed and left them behind. That's different from what Dirk would do, he'd be painfully loyal and get walked on a bit because he cares. I care so I leave. Is that far to the people who claim to have cared about me? No. Does it matter now? Maybe. I don't like leaving people behind anymore. It's not healthy but often it feels like people want to be left. It feels like I'm an accessory. I hate caring for others, not in the way that I don't do it but I wish I didn't care. I wish I was different in that way where I was unfeeling and I could leave everything behind. But no one cares, I'm just the guy in the background for a lot of people. I want a lot of things to change. I want to change me, but all I can do is pretend or let one of them take over. They are the best parts of me.
Okay, that's enough for me here. I'm going to avoid posting here for however long I can, likely indefinitely. Thank you all for reading. Goodbye.
I fear I'm evolving into someone unreachable, give it a few months and I'll be a pretentious douche who doesn't care about anyone because I believe that no one cares about me.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
It's me. Sunny. I don't talk much but I will say one thing, this blog is a complete and total breach of your own privacy. For Christs sake, get a journal. You can't be in limerence over random people who don't give you the time of day, kid. I don't want that for you. I also hope you know that I'm aware fully of the fact that you're saying I don't like talking to your friends. I don't talk to them because they are not worth a damn, disrespectfully. I'm here for you and not them. Your safety is important to me. Just stop posting on here, it's up to you if you want to take anything down but really I think you need to reconsider this whole thing. Write to me every once in a while and whenever I'm half and half with you, I'll talk to you. For now, just stay calm for a bit. Also stop mentioning all of us to these utter freaks, I'm not mad at you I just don't think a lot of them will have good intentions if they realize who we are all "based" on, as they say.
Signing off.
Dear Dirk,
I had a dream of being on an island. There was a cruise ship sinking before my very eyes. You'd think when you see something that massive and horrifying, that you wouldn't be so calm. Yet there I was, watching the thing sink into the water and feeling at ease. I don't recall fully if there had been screams or not, I don't think anyone really died. I think it's odd to say that I wouldn't have minded it because the ocean reminds me of you. Not in the way that you drown whole boats just by existing, more so in a way of.. it feels like you're out there. On the surface in the middle of the waves, but it's not like I can reach. I don't feel like I can reach because I often never do? I just mean that, I don't think I'm a very good swimmer and I don't know how to drive a fucking boat. If I could get out there to see you, I would. But it feels like everyone else has paddled their way to you by now. It feels like all I can do is look through a telescope into the vast waves, and even then I can't see you anywhere. So maybe when that boat sank I just thought, good for them. That's what they get for going into your ocean, asking for your fish and coral only for their gain. But I also knew they'd be with you in a way, so I was happy.
I don't know, I'll build a boat one day so I can come see you. For now, just know I'm waiting on the beach. I'll keep waiting on the beach.