the world is a vampire

5 years ago i dropped out of school indefinitely because i tried to k!ll myself and one of my friends had the brains to tell campus safety about me. i was humiliated, having failed at what i thought would be the last thing i would ever do. it led to me to have to pull a medical withdrawal from all my classes as we were 2 weeks from finals week and my mental health had put me so far behind everything that it wasn’t possible for me to save face and finish out the semester. i said goodbye to college and tried, unsuccessfully, to get a job. i say unsuccessfully because while i did have a full-time job making subs at a wawa, i was miserable. i craved to go back and finish my english degree. but i was still in a really dark place. i decided to bite the bullet and i reapplied to that same college where i had to withdraw only months ago. 

it was hard. it was really hard. there were stretches of days where i made really good progress. where i woke up in the morning and i could see what i was fighting for. and there were days where everything was filled with a dense layer of fog. i couldn’t see five steps ahead of me let alone what all of this was culminating to be. but i pushed forward, because i was saved once. and i could be saved again.

5 years later i stand having not only graduated with my bachelors in english but also my masters in teaching. 5 years ago i dreamed of being where i was and i thought it was unattainable. i thought i was hopeless. there are still days were a wave of that feeling washes over me sometimes. when im laying in bed, staring up at the ceiling and im crying over something that wont really matter in another 5 years from now. but on those days - when im feeling hopeless. i think back to where i was 5 years ago. where i am now. the progress i made. it was never one big leap, but rather it was a series of very small steps. i applied for readmittance to college. i took classes one day at a time. i lived my life for the first time. 

thank you to everyone who could have possibly made this happen. but thank you especially to that one person who called campus safety on me in december of 2017. you know who you are. you saved me. you gave me another chance on life. reach out to your friends and when you see something weird, tell someone! hopefully it never gets to the situation i was in where someone had to talk me off a ledge. maybe it can just be a simple check in and asking what’s up with those closest to you. maybe even those who aren’t too close.

the point of this, as well, is to say that it gets better. no matter where you are in life, how successful or unsuccessful in both life and happiness, i want you to ask yourself where you see yourself in 5 years. in 2017 i never saw myself living past 20. but things get better. things always get better. im rooting for you.