Cake

Teddy once told me the monster watches me sleep and sometimes strokes my hair. I was confused. I thought monsters were supposed to hurt me, not pat my head. But Teddy said it was true—it even stitched the tear it made in him last time.

I don’t know if the monster is bad or good. But it always hurts me and my stuffies.

One day, I got brave and faced the monster the moment Mom closed my door. I didn’t know if the monster would be good or bad that night. I heard Unicorn say he’ll give us flowers tonight, but I felt Monkey tremble and whisper that the monster might tear us apart, like last time.

The monster slowly crawled out from under my bed. It was holding a cup of milk. But I’m allergic to milk. And my stuffies can’t drink.

It got angry when I said I wasn’t allowed to have it. The peaceful look on its dark face turned furious, and it threw the glass at the floor. Milk soaked the carpet. Then it screeched really loudly and started to tug all my stuffies from my arms.

I told it to stop. I told it to let go. But it only got angrier.

I was already crying, because its sharp teeth were starting to bare at me—wide. I wasn’t sure if it was going to eat my stuffies or me. But I held on to them tightly and hoped someone would open the door.

Then, suddenly, I stopped crying.

I heard my parents’ door click open.

And I realized—I could do that too.

I scurried out of bed and tried to reach my door. But before I could twist the handle, the monster grabbed my ankle.

When I looked back, it was crying.

It said it was sorry.

It said it only wanted to take care of me.

It said it only wanted me to drink the milk.

All my stuffies begged me to keep going and get out of the room. But when I saw the monster’s red eyes turn green, I paused.

Then you taught me how to make a fishing rod, how to catch bait and how to make a fire. I remembered how you held my hand as you guided me to the shore, and we caught fish together. You even laughed when I fell into the water, and I hated how I loved your laugh then. Then I tried to escape and fight you. Do you remember? How did I kick you and punch you as I tried to get away? But the island is a small circle, I only run for a few minutes, and I'm back to you again; I cried so much I fell onto the sand, and you watched me with your sad eyes. You just crouched down in front of me as you watched me cry, whispering it's better this way, just you and me, and you didn't touch me, just muttered how you'd never hurt me.

"I never would've taken you here- never would've risked your life to drown on that storm. But I love you and- and your parents wouldn't approve of me..." You whispered as you drew patterns on the sand, but I knew you weren't looking at your lines on the sand because your eyes were sad watching me cry.

"You don't even accept me, but you will. I know you will. You'll accept this place too."

I just kept crying, just cry and cry and cry, until I realized the sky's orange and pink, and you already made the fire. It wasn't the last time I cried and tried to escape, but you always seemed to catch me, and at the same time, it felt like you were saving me.

I remembered the third time I tried to get away, when I dragged a long fallen tree to the shore while you slept, thinking it would serve me as a boat and take me to a wider land where I could go back and tell you to the police. I dragged the dried tree until it floated and the water reached my chest, I tried to climb the tree then. The tree wasn't thick nor wide, It was almost the size of my legs combined but my legs were still bigger, so when I hopped on it I flipped, I managed to hold my breath when I hit the water, but my head hit a rock too, so there's a momentary pause and I gasped and my lungs hurt and my ears ringing, but you lift me and dragged me to shore, to the sand and muttered how I shouldn't have tried to escape, then you made me puke the waters out with your index and middle fingers touching the inside of my throat and vomited, then you went to the trees and found herbs I cannot name and dressed the wound I didn't know existed on my head. I knew then that you did save me.

The second time I nearly died- minus the storm- was when I decided to die was better than being stuck on that island with my captor. You, Sunghoon.

You were out in the trees, in the woods. I stared blankly at the waves, listening to them splash. Then there was this magnet that pulled me closer to it, so I stood and followed the retreating waves, imagining my mom waiting for me with my new ironed school uniform after I woke up, my breakfast waiting on the dining table. I saw my dad sneaking behind my mom handing me twenty dollars because I aced my precalculus. I heard my sister singing with the karaoke, dedicating the song to her crush as she ranted about how she was stuck in her art class. I feel my brother's hug as he congratulates me on my new award. Then I saw you blur, shining with the sun, your image dancing with the water as I closed my eyes. Right then I thought I just died. But you woke me up again, resurrected me as I liked to call it.

I didn't try to escape after that.

When they took me away from you, I didn't close my eyes, I just cried and watched you the whole time they dragged us both away from each other, then you mouthed: It's okay. You're safe.

But the thing is, Sunghoon, I'm not. I don't think I am safe. You weren't there when they took me to a white room with nothing else. They asked me all these kinds of questions. I didn't know what to answer and just burst out crying, calling my name, then they took me to a different room, left me alone and then I slept. Very. Very long.

It was my mom's face the first thing I saw then I woke up. Not you. I was so used to seeing you first when the sun hit my face and I woke up. So I asked about you.

"Honey, it's okay, don't worry about him; he can't hurt you anymore." My mom was saying as she hiccuped all the words, my dad on her side rubbing his hand on her arm.

But they're wrong. You never hurt me. So I shook my head and told them the truth. They didn't believe me, they said you manipulated me. Which isn't the truth either.

Since then, I realized they already made up the truth they wanted to believe. When I told them my truth, they shook their heads and my parents cried more, saying what did that monster do to their daughter.

Then I realized I was in a hospital bed, my sister sitting by my side, pealing me a tangerine.

"He's not a monster," I said, anger in my shaky voice. She didn't say anything, just pealed more tangerine as she wiped her tears from time to time. Three months after that, I told her everything that happened between us and what you are, and she cried all the time, not saying anything just saying sorry she wasn't a good sister. I still don't know how is her apology connected to us, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

The thing is, they didn't know you saved me, they didn't know you cared for me. They didn't know how you taught me to open a coconut fresh from the tree and how you taught me how to catch a fish with the rod we both made.

You didn't look at me in the courtroom; I was so sad because that's the only moment I'm allowed to see you. Then you said your testimony, and it broke my heart because you're agreeing with them; you said their truth, not our truth. When they asked you if you've been stalking me for two years you said guilty. When they asked if you planned to take me away- kidnapped me, you said guilty. Then, when they asked if you lured me to get into your yacht, you said guilty. The thing is, you never lured me; I went willingly with you because you were supposed to show me something, right?

When it was my turn to speak, I told them our truth, my truth. I told them you're not a monster, you saved me, you didn't hurt me, you never touched me the way I didn't like, you never said anything to hurt me, and I saw everyone make a face; my mother shook her head and cried. When I looked at you, your eyes were pleading, as if to say, 'Please don't, it's for the best.' but how is it the best? We're so far from each other. But still, after all those things I said, they still took you away. I didn't feel like I won the trial because my lawyer kept saying I was in psychological confusion, and the judge believed it too, so they took me away.

Then therapy came, and my psychiatrist kept asking things that I hated answering because I just kept remembering how you let me go and pushed me away, despite you bringing me there on that small island with you.

"I really love music" My voice penetrated the sound of waves hitting the sand and rocks, I'm not looking at the constellation anymore, and I can feel you're not either because I feel your gaze on me, and it encouraged me to continue, knowing you're listening.

"I play the guitar sometimes. My dad bought it for me when I got a really good grade at school. I'm not exceptionally good, I'm not really good at strumming or plucking." I know my voice wasn't that loud because you leaned closer to hear me; I could almost feel your shoulder brush mine, but you still kept your distance; I kind of hoped you'd lean more, touch me, and cage me in your strong arms. But you didn't, so I go on.

"There's nothing to listen to here, unlike home, only the water," I said, looking at the calm sea dance in front of us.

"And insects." You said. I nod.

"And insects," I repeated.

"And you. And me."

"Yes, and us," I repeated again. I didn't have to glance at you to know you were frowning, not in confusion or anything, just looking at me as if you wanted to embrace me and mould me inside you until we were one.

I inhaled sharply, and the smell of the sea and sand entered my nostrils. I don't glance at you, I look at you fully, because somehow, I'm not afraid of you anymore, I'm not scared of the deepness and darkness obscure of your eyes, I feel like I want to drown in them at that moment, and I wished you'd never let me go. I feel my eyes burn somehow, maybe because of the sadness those intense eyes are looking at me with, or because I still really want to go back home, or maybe because I don't want to leave at all, I don't want to escape you. But I said it anyway.

"Would you take me there? At home?" I whispered. But you heard. You always heard. Then I feel my cheeks wet, then I see your hand hesitate to wipe my tears in my peripheral vision, as if afraid to touch me. But how could you? How could you hesitate to touch me when you've taken me, carried me to your little island over the sea, how come you never touched me?

I see the hurt in your eyes; you parted your lips then closed them again, and your frown slowly turned to something else, something trembling, but there's still the ceased in your brows as if you're physically hurting, and your eyes have tears on the corner. Unlike you, I didn't shy away when I reached out and ran my thumb across the edge of your eyes. You didn't flinch; you leaned more, and you looked more in pain as I leaned even closer, close enough to take your lips with my teeth, close enough to wrap all my being to your body. But you didn't lean anymore closer, so I had to do it, right? But why are you pushing me away?

"I can sing to you..." You whispered, your voice strained. You have your hands on my shoulders keeping distance between us, and I cry even more because of that, I don't know if you knew I was crying because you didn't want me close, or because you knew you'd still have to let me go even if I'm locking my arms around you. Why are you pushing me away? I thought you took me here because you want me, because it's only us in the world, that you saved me, that you love me?

"But if you really wanna go..." You said, now your tears are running down your cheeks too, I wipe them again.

"I know a boat- you can go." I didn't know if I let my sob out because I knew you'd never say those words, that you'd never let me leave even if I begged you to let me go, but I was wrong, very wrong, wasn't I? So I didn't say anything, I didn't say that that's not the right answer, that you shouldn't be letting me go, that you should be caging me even more, but I leaned to you, catching your lips with mine. I can still hear the waves muffled in the background, but it's only my sob and the beat of our hearts I can clearly hear.

You pull me closer. At last. You hold my waist very gently, you run your hands on my hair and hold my head as I push myself onto you further, opening my mouth for you to kiss me more, to feel me more so you wouldn't have to send me away, even though I was the one who asked you to.

Then you taught me how to make a fishing rod, how to catch bait and how to make a fire. I remembered how you held my hand as you guided me to the shore, and we caught fish together. You even laughed when I fell into the water, and I hated how I loved your laugh then. Then I tried to escape and fight you. Do you remember? How did I kick you and punch you as I tried to get away? But the island is a small circle, I only run for a few minutes, and I'm back to you again; I cried so much I fell onto the sand, and you watched me with your sad eyes. You just crouched down in front of me as you watched me cry, whispering it's better this way, just you and me, and you didn't touch me, just muttered how you'd never hurt me.

"I never would've taken you here- never would've risked your life to drown on that storm. But I love you and- and your parents wouldn't approve of me..." You whispered as you drew patterns on the sand, but I knew you weren't looking at your lines on the sand because your eyes were sad watching me cry.

"You don't even accept me, but you will. I know you will. You'll accept this place too."

I just kept crying, just cry and cry and cry, until I realized the sky's orange and pink, and you already made the fire. It wasn't the last time I cried and tried to escape, but you always seemed to catch me, and at the same time, it felt like you were saving me.

I remembered the third time I tried to get away, when I dragged a long fallen tree to the shore while you slept, thinking it would serve me as a boat and take me to a wider land where I could go back and tell you to the police. I dragged the dried tree until it floated and the water reached my chest, I tried to climb the tree then. The tree wasn't thick nor wide, It was almost the size of my legs combined but my legs were still bigger, so when I hopped on it I flipped, I managed to hold my breath when I hit the water, but my head hit a rock too, so there's a momentary pause and I gasped and my lungs hurt and my ears ringing, but you lift me and dragged me to shore, to the sand and muttered how I shouldn't have tried to escape, then you made me puke the waters out with your index and middle fingers touching the inside of my throat and vomited, then you went to the trees and found herbs I cannot name and dressed the wound I didn't know existed on my head. I knew then that you did save me.

The second time I nearly died- minus the storm- was when I decided to die was better than being stuck on that island with my captor. You, Sunghoon.

You were out in the trees, in the woods. I stared blankly at the waves, listening to them splash. Then there was this magnet that pulled me closer to it, so I stood and followed the retreating waves, imagining my mom waiting for me with my new ironed school uniform after I woke up, my breakfast waiting on the dining table. I saw my dad sneaking behind my mom handing me twenty dollars because I aced my precalculus. I heard my sister singing with the karaoke, dedicating the song to her crush as she ranted about how she was stuck in her art class. I feel my brother's hug as he congratulates me on my new award. Then I saw you blur, shining with the sun, your image dancing with the water as I closed my eyes. Right then I thought I just died. But you woke me up again, resurrected me as I liked to call it.

I didn't try to escape after that.

When they took me away from you, I didn't close my eyes, I just cried and watched you the whole time they dragged us both away from each other, then you mouthed: It's okay. You're safe.

But the thing is, Sunghoon, I'm not. I don't think I am safe. You weren't there when they took me to a white room with nothing else. They asked me all these kinds of questions. I didn't know what to answer and just burst out crying, calling my name, then they took me to a different room, left me alone and then I slept. Very. Very long.

It was my mom's face the first thing I saw then I woke up. Not you. I was so used to seeing you first when the sun hit my face and I woke up. So I asked about you.

"Honey, it's okay, don't worry about him; he can't hurt you anymore." My mom was saying as she hiccuped all the words, my dad on her side rubbing his hand on her arm.

But they're wrong. You never hurt me. So I shook my head and told them the truth. They didn't believe me, they said you manipulated me. Which isn't the truth either.

Since then, I realized they already made up the truth they wanted to believe. When I told them my truth, they shook their heads and my parents cried more, saying what did that monster do to their daughter.

Then I realized I was in a hospital bed, my sister sitting by my side, pealing me a tangerine.

"He's not a monster," I said, anger in my shaky voice. She didn't say anything, just pealed more tangerine as she wiped her tears from time to time. Three months after that, I told her everything that happened between us and what you are, and she cried all the time, not saying anything just saying sorry she wasn't a good sister. I still don't know how is her apology connected to us, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

The thing is, they didn't know you saved me, they didn't know you cared for me. They didn't know how you taught me to open a coconut fresh from the tree and how you taught me how to catch a fish with the rod we both made.

You didn't look at me in the courtroom; I was so sad because that's the only moment I'm allowed to see you. Then you said your testimony, and it broke my heart because you're agreeing with them; you said their truth, not our truth. When they asked you if you've been stalking me for two years you said not guilty. When they asked if you planned to take me away- kidnapped me, you said not guilty. Then, when they asked if you lured me to get into your yacht, you said not guilty. The thing is, you never lured me; I went willingly with you because you were supposed to show me something, right?

When it was my turn to speak, I told them our truth, my truth. I told them you're not a monster, you saved me, you didn't hurt me, you never touched me the way I didn't like, you never said anything to hurt me, and I saw everyone make a face; my mother shook her head and cried. When I looked at you, your eyes were pleading, as if to say, 'Please don't, it's for the best.' but how is it the best? We're so far from each other. But still, after all those things I said, they still took you away. I didn't feel like I won the trial because my lawyer kept saying I was in psychological confusion, and the judge believed it too, so they took me away.

Then therapy came, and my psychiatrist kept asking things that I hated answering because I just kept remembering how you let me go and pushed me away, despite you bringing me there on that small island with you.

"I really love music" My voice penetrated the sound of waves hitting the sand and rocks, I'm not looking at the constellation anymore, and I can feel you're not either because I feel your gaze on me, and it encouraged me to continue, knowing you're listening.

"I play the guitar sometimes. My dad bought it for me when I got a really good grade at school. I'm not exceptionally good, I'm not really good at strumming or plucking." I know my voice wasn't that loud because you leaned closer to hear me; I could almost feel your shoulder brush mine, but you still kept your distance; I kind of hoped you'd lean more, touch me, and cage me in your strong arms. But you didn't, so I go on.

"There's nothing to listen to here, unlike home, only the water," I said, looking at the calm sea dance in front of us.

"And insects." You said. I nod.

"And insects," I repeated.

"And you. And me."

"Yes, and us," I repeated again. I didn't have to glance at you to know you were frowning, not in confusion or anything, just looking at me as if you wanted to embrace me and mould me inside you until we were one.

I inhaled sharply, and the smell of the sea and sand entered my nostrils. I don't glance at you, I look at you fully, because somehow, I'm not afraid of you anymore, I'm not scared of the deepness and darkness obscure of your eyes, I feel like I want to drown in them at that moment, and I wished you'd never let me go. I feel my eyes burn somehow, maybe because of the sadness those intense eyes are looking at me with, or because I still really want to go back home, or maybe because I don't want to leave at all, I don't want to escape you. But I said it anyway.

"Would you take me there? At home?" I whispered. But you heard. You always heard. Then I feel my cheeks wet, then I see your hand hesitate to wipe my tears in my peripheral vision, as if afraid to touch me. But how could you? How could you hesitate to touch me when you've taken me, carried me to your little island over the sea, how come you never touched me?

I see the hurt in your eyes; you parted your lips then closed them again, and your frown slowly turned to something else, something trembling, but there's still the ceased in your brows as if you're physically hurting, and your eyes have tears on the corner. Unlike you, I didn't shy away when I reached out and ran my thumb across the edge of your eyes. You didn't flinch; you leaned more, and you looked more in pain as I leaned even closer, close enough to take your lips with my teeth, close enough to wrap all my being to your body. But you didn't lean anymore closer, so I had to do it, right? But why are you pushing me away?

"I can sing to you..." You whispered, your voice strained. You have your hands on my shoulders keeping distance between us, and I cry even more because of that, I don't know if you knew I was crying because you didn't want me close, or because you knew you'd still have to let me go even if I'm locking my arms around you. Why are you pushing me away? I thought you took me here because you want me, because it's only us in the world, that you saved me, that you love me?

"But if you really wanna go..." You said, now your tears are running down your cheeks too, I wipe them again.

"I know a boat- you can go." I didn't know if I let my sob out because I knew you'd never say those words, that you'd never let me leave even if I begged you to let me go, but I was wrong, very wrong, wasn't I? So I didn't say anything, I didn't say that that's not the right answer, that you shouldn't be letting me go, that you should be caging me even more, but I leaned to you, catching your lips with mine. I can still hear the waves muffled in the background, but it's only my sob and the beat of our hearts I can clearly hear.

You pull me closer. At last. You hold my waist very gently, you run your hands on my hair and hold my head as I push myself onto you further, opening my mouth for you to kiss me more, to feel me more so you wouldn't have to send me away, even though I was the one who asked you to.

I don't want to say anymore after that, but of course, I could never forget; it was the most precious memory of us, but I don't want anyone to know it's only for us, and they will be checking my letter before they send it to you. My mom didn't want this to be sent to you, because it's only part of my therapy Dr. Clarington told me to do, but I insisted I want you to read it too, and mom will be checking it first before you can read it. I hope you know I love you, even though right now all the people in here say I'm only manipulated, that it was my survival instinct to be attached to you and I don't know anymore, I just want you to know I always dream of what happened that night, between us, and the other days and night before when I fought like an animal and drowned in the sea only to be resurrected by you. When you told me you took me because you love me. I could never forget it.

Then you taught me how to make a fishing rod, how to catch bait and how to make a fire. I remembered how you held my hand as you guided me to the shore, and we caught fish together. You even laughed when I fell into the water, and I hated how I loved your laugh then. Then I tried to escape and fight you. Do you remember? How did I kick you and punch you as I tried to get away? But the island is a small circle, I only run for a few minutes, and I'm back to you again; I cried so much I fell onto the sand, and you watched me with your sad eyes. You just crouched down in front of me as you watched me cry, whispering it's better this way, just you and me, and you didn't touch me, just muttered how you'd never hurt me.

"I never would've taken you here- never would've risked your life to drown on that storm. But I love you and- and your parents wouldn't approve of me..." You whispered as you drew patterns on the sand, but I knew you weren't looking at your lines on the sand because your eyes were sad watching me cry.

"You don't even accept me, but you will. I know you will. You'll accept this place too."

I just kept crying, just cry and cry and cry, until I realized the sky's orange and pink, and you already made the fire. It wasn't the last time I cried and tried to escape, but you always seemed to catch me, and at the same time, it felt like you were saving me.

I remembered the third time I tried to get away, when I dragged a long fallen tree to the shore while you slept, thinking it would serve me as a boat and take me to a wider land where I could go back and tell you to the police. I dragged the dried tree until it floated and the water reached my chest, I tried to climb the tree then. The tree wasn't thick nor wide, It was almost the size of my legs combined but my legs were still bigger, so when I hopped on it I flipped, I managed to hold my breath when I hit the water, but my head hit a rock too, so there's a momentary pause and I gasped and my lungs hurt and my ears ringing, but you lift me and dragged me to shore, to the sand and muttered how I shouldn't have tried to escape, then you made me puke the waters out with your index and middle fingers touching the inside of my throat and vomited, then you went to the trees and found herbs I cannot name and dressed the wound I didn't know existed on my head. I knew then that you did save me.

The second time I nearly died- minus the storm- was when I decided to die was better than being stuck on that island with my captor. You, Sunghoon.

You were out in the trees, in the woods. I stared blankly at the waves, listening to them splash. Then there was this magnet that pulled me closer to it, so I stood and followed the retreating waves, imagining my mom waiting for me with my new ironed school uniform after I woke up, my breakfast waiting on the dining table. I saw my dad sneaking behind my mom handing me twenty dollars because I aced my precalculus. I heard my sister singing with the karaoke, dedicating the song to her crush as she ranted about how she was stuck in her art class. I feel my brother's hug as he congratulates me on my new award. Then I saw you blur, shining with the sun, your image dancing with the water as I closed my eyes. Right then I thought I just died. But you woke me up again, resurrected me as I liked to call it.

I didn't try to escape after that.

When they took me away from you, I didn't close my eyes, I just cried and watched you the whole time they dragged us both away from each other, then you mouthed: It's okay. You're safe.

But the thing is, Sunghoon, I'm not. I don't think I am safe. You weren't there when they took me to a white room with nothing else. They asked me all these kinds of questions. I didn't know what to answer and just burst out crying, calling my name, then they took me to a different room, left me alone and then I slept. Very. Very long.

It was my mom's face the first thing I saw then I woke up. Not you. I was so used to seeing you first when the sun hit my face and I woke up. So I asked about you.

"Honey, it's okay, don't worry about him; he can't hurt you anymore." My mom was saying as she hiccuped all the words, my dad on her side rubbing his hand on her arm.

But they're wrong. You never hurt me. So I shook my head and told them the truth. They didn't believe me, they said you manipulated me. Which isn't the truth either.

Since then, I realized they already made up the truth they wanted to believe. When I told them my truth, they shook their heads and my parents cried more, saying what did that monster do to their daughter.

Then I realized I was in a hospital bed, my sister sitting by my side, pealing me a tangerine.

"He's not a monster," I said, anger in my shaky voice. She didn't say anything, just pealed more tangerine as she wiped her tears from time to time. Three months after that, I told her everything that happened between us and what you are, and she cried all the time, not saying anything just saying sorry she wasn't a good sister. I still don't know how is her apology connected to us, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

The thing is, they didn't know you saved me, they didn't know you cared for me. They didn't know how you taught me to open a coconut fresh from the tree and how you taught me how to catch a fish with the rod we both made.

You didn't look at me in the courtroom; I was so sad because that's the only moment I'm allowed to see you. Then you said your testimony, and it broke my heart because you're agreeing with them; you said their truth, not our truth. When they asked you if you've been stalking me for two years you said not guilty. When they asked if you planned to take me away- kidnapped me, you said not guilty. Then, when they asked if you lured me to get into your yacht, you said not guilty. The thing is, you never lured me; I went willingly with you because you were supposed to show me something, right?

When it was my turn to speak, I told them our truth, my truth. I told them you're not a monster, you saved me, you didn't hurt me, you never touched me the way I didn't like, you never said anything to hurt me, and I saw everyone make a face; my mother shook her head and cried. When I looked at you, your eyes were pleading, as if to say, 'Please don't, it's for the best.' but how is it the best? We're so far from each other. But still, after all those things I said, they still took you away. I didn't feel like I won the trial because my lawyer kept saying I was in psychological confusion, and the judge believed it too, so they took me away.

Then therapy came, and my psychiatrist kept asking things that I hated answering because I just kept remembering how you let me go and pushed me away, despite you bringing me there on that small island with you.

"I really love music" My voice penetrated the sound of waves hitting the sand and rocks, I'm not looking at the constellation anymore, and I can feel you're not either because I feel your gaze on me, and it encouraged me to continue, knowing you're listening.

"I play the guitar sometimes. My dad bought it for me when I got a really good grade at school. I'm not exceptionally good, I'm not really good at strumming or plucking." I know my voice wasn't that loud because you leaned closer to hear me; I could almost feel your shoulder brush mine, but you still kept your distance; I kind of hoped you'd lean more, touch me, and cage me in your strong arms. But you didn't, so I go on.

"There's nothing to listen to here, unlike home, only the water," I said, looking at the calm sea dance in front of us.

"And insects." You said. I nod.

"And insects," I repeated.

"And you. And me."

"Yes, and us," I repeated again. I didn't have to glance at you to know you were frowning, not in confusion or anything, just looking at me as if you wanted to embrace me and mould me inside you until we were one.

I inhaled sharply, and the smell of the sea and sand entered my nostrils. I don't glance at you, I look at you fully, because somehow, I'm not afraid of you anymore, I'm not scared of the deepness and darkness obscure of your eyes, I feel like I want to drown in them at that moment, and I wished you'd never let me go. I feel my eyes burn somehow, maybe because of the sadness those intense eyes are looking at me with, or because I still really want to go back home, or maybe because I don't want to leave at all, I don't want to escape you. But I said it anyway.

"Would you take me there? At home?" I whispered. But you heard. You always heard. Then I feel my cheeks wet, then I see your hand hesitate to wipe my tears in my peripheral vision, as if afraid to touch me. But how could you? How could you hesitate to touch me when you've taken me, carried me to your little island over the sea, how come you never touched me?

I see the hurt in your eyes; you parted your lips then closed them again, and your frown slowly turned to something else, something trembling, but there's still the ceased in your brows as if you're physically hurting, and your eyes have tears on the corner. Unlike you, I didn't shy away when I reached out and ran my thumb across the edge of your eyes. You didn't flinch; you leaned more, and you looked more in pain as I leaned even closer, close enough to take your lips with my teeth, close enough to wrap all my being to your body. But you didn't lean anymore closer, so I had to do it, right? But why are you pushing me away?

"I can sing to you..." You whispered, your voice strained. You have your hands on my shoulders keeping distance between us, and I cry even more because of that, I don't know if you knew I was crying because you didn't want me close, or because you knew you'd still have to let me go even if I'm locking my arms around you. Why are you pushing me away? I thought you took me here because you want me, because it's only us in the world, that you saved me, that you love me?

"But if you really wanna go..." You said, now your tears are running down your cheeks too, I wipe them again.

"I know a boat- you can go." I didn't know if I let my sob out because I knew you'd never say those words, that you'd never let me leave even if I begged you to let me go, but I was wrong, very wrong, wasn't I? So I didn't say anything, I didn't say that that's not the right answer, that you shouldn't be letting me go, that you should be caging me even more, but I leaned to you, catching your lips with mine. I can still hear the waves muffled in the background, but it's only my sob and the beat of our hearts I can clearly hear.

You pull me closer. At last. You hold my waist very gently, you run your hands on my hair and hold my head as I push myself onto you further, opening my mouth for you to kiss me more, to feel me more so you wouldn't have to send me away, even though I was the one who asked you to.

I don't want to say anymore after that, but of course, I could never forget; it was the most precious memory of us, but I don't want anyone to know it's only for us, and they will be checking my letter before they send it to you. My mom didn't want this to be sent to you, because it's only part of my therapy Dr. Clarington told me to do, but I insisted I want you to read it too, and mom will be checking it first before you can read it. I hope you know I love you, even though right now all the people in here say I'm only manipulated, that it was my survival instinct to be attached to you and I don't know anymore, I just want you to know I always dream of what happened that night, between us, and the other days and night before when I fought like an animal and drowned in the sea only to be resurrected by you. When you told me you took me because you love me. I could never forget it.

Then you taught me how to make a fishing rod, how to catch bait and how to make a fire. I remembered how you held my hand as you guided me to the shore, and we caught fish together. You even laughed when I fell into the water, and I hated how I loved your laugh then. Then I tried to escape and fight you. Do you remember? How did I kick you and punch you as I tried to get away? But the island is a small circle, I only run for a few minutes, and I'm back to you again; I cried so much I fell onto the sand, and you watched me with your sad eyes. You just crouched down in front of me as you watched me cry, whispering it's better this way, just you and me, and you didn't touch me, just muttered how you'd never hurt me.

"I never would've taken you here- never would've risked your life to drown on that storm. But I love you and- and your parents wouldn't approve of me..." You whispered as you drew patterns on the sand, but I knew you weren't looking at your lines on the sand because your eyes were sad watching me cry.

"You don't even accept me, but you will. I know you will. You'll accept this place too."

I just kept crying, just cry and cry and cry, until I realized the sky's orange and pink, and you already made the fire. It wasn't the last time I cried and tried to escape, but you always seemed to catch me, and at the same time, it felt like you were saving me.

I remembered the third time I tried to get away, when I dragged a long fallen tree to the shore while you slept, thinking it would serve me as a boat and take me to a wider land where I could go back and tell you to the police. I dragged the dried tree until it floated and the water reached my chest, I tried to climb the tree then. The tree wasn't thick nor wide, It was almost the size of my legs combined but my legs were still bigger, so when I hopped on it I flipped, I managed to hold my breath when I hit the water, but my head hit a rock too, so there's a momentary pause and I gasped and my lungs hurt and my ears ringing, but you lift me and dragged me to shore, to the sand and muttered how I shouldn't have tried to escape, then you made me puke the waters out with your index and middle fingers touching the inside of my throat and vomited, then you went to the trees and found herbs I cannot name and dressed the wound I didn't know existed on my head. I knew then that you did save me.

The second time I nearly died- minus the storm- was when I decided to die was better than being stuck on that island with my captor. You, Sunghoon.

You were out in the trees, in the woods. I stared blankly at the waves, listening to them splash. Then there was this magnet that pulled me closer to it, so I stood and followed the retreating waves, imagining my mom waiting for me with my new ironed school uniform after I woke up, my breakfast waiting on the dining table. I saw my dad sneaking behind my mom handing me twenty dollars because I aced my precalculus. I heard my sister singing with the karaoke, dedicating the song to her crush as she ranted about how she was stuck in her art class. I feel my brother's hug as he congratulates me on my new award. Then I saw you blur, shining with the sun, your image dancing with the water as I closed my eyes. Right then I thought I just died. But you woke me up again, resurrected me as I liked to call it.

I didn't try to escape after that.

When they took me away from you, I didn't close my eyes, I just cried and watched you the whole time they dragged us both away from each other, then you mouthed: It's okay. You're safe.

But the thing is, Sunghoon, I'm not. I don't think I am safe. You weren't there when they took me to a white room with nothing else. They asked me all these kinds of questions. I didn't know what to answer and just burst out crying, calling my name, then they took me to a different room, left me alone and then I slept. Very. Very long.

It was my mom's face the first thing I saw then I woke up. Not you. I was so used to seeing you first when the sun hit my face and I woke up. So I asked about you.

"Honey, it's okay, don't worry about him; he can't hurt you anymore." My mom was saying as she hiccuped all the words, my dad on her side rubbing his hand on her arm.

But they're wrong. You never hurt me. So I shook my head and told them the truth. They didn't believe me, they said you manipulated me. Which isn't the truth either.

Since then, I realized they already made up the truth they wanted to believe. When I told them my truth, they shook their heads and my parents cried more, saying what did that monster do to their daughter.

Then I realized I was in a hospital bed, my sister sitting by my side, pealing me a tangerine.

"He's not a monster," I said, anger in my shaky voice. She didn't say anything, just pealed more tangerine as she wiped her tears from time to time. Three months after that, I told her everything that happened between us and what you are, and she cried all the time, not saying anything just saying sorry she wasn't a good sister. I still don't know how is her apology connected to us, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

The thing is, they didn't know you saved me, they didn't know you cared for me. They didn't know how you taught me to open a coconut fresh from the tree and how you taught me how to catch a fish with the rod we both made.

You didn't look at me in the courtroom; I was so sad because that's the only moment I'm allowed to see you. Then you said your testimony, and it broke my heart because you're agreeing with them; you said their truth, not our truth. When they asked you if you've been stalking me for two years you said not guilty. When they asked if you planned to take me away- kidnapped me, you said not guilty. Then, when they asked if you lured me to get into your yacht, you said not guilty. The thing is, you never lured me; I went willingly with you because you were supposed to show me something, right?

When it was my turn to speak, I told them our truth, my truth. I told them you're not a monster, you saved me, you didn't hurt me, you never touched me the way I didn't like, you never said anything to hurt me, and I saw everyone make a face; my mother shook her head and cried. When I looked at you, your eyes were pleading, as if to say, 'Please don't, it's for the best.' but how is it the best? We're so far from each other. But still, after all those things I said, they still took you away. I didn't feel like I won the trial because my lawyer kept saying I was in psychological confusion, and the judge believed it too, so they took me away.

Then therapy came, and my psychiatrist kept asking things that I hated answering because I just kept remembering how you let me go and pushed me away, despite you bringing me there on that small island with you.

"I really love music" My voice penetrated the sound of waves hitting the sand and rocks, I'm not looking at the constellation anymore, and I can feel you're not either because I feel your gaze on me, and it encouraged me to continue, knowing you're listening.

"I play the guitar sometimes. My dad bought it for me when I got a really good grade at school. I'm not exceptionally good, I'm not really good at strumming or plucking." I know my voice wasn't that loud because you leaned closer to hear me; I could almost feel your shoulder brush mine, but you still kept your distance; I kind of hoped you'd lean more, touch me, and cage me in your strong arms. But you didn't, so I go on.

"There's nothing to listen to here, unlike home, only the water," I said, looking at the calm sea dance in front of us.

"And insects." You said. I nod.

"And insects," I repeated.

"And you. And me."

"Yes, and us," I repeated again. I didn't have to glance at you to know you were frowning, not in confusion or anything, just looking at me as if you wanted to embrace me and mould me inside you until we were one.

I inhaled sharply, and the smell of the sea and sand entered my nostrils. I don't glance at you, I look at you fully, because somehow, I'm not afraid of you anymore, I'm not scared of the deepness and darkness obscure of your eyes, I feel like I want to drown in them at that moment, and I wished you'd never let me go. I feel my eyes burn somehow, maybe because of the sadness those intense eyes are looking at me with, or because I still really want to go back home, or maybe because I don't want to leave at all, I don't want to escape you. But I said it anyway.

"Would you take me there? At home?" I whispered. But you heard. You always heard. Then I feel my cheeks wet, then I see your hand hesitate to wipe my tears in my peripheral vision, as if afraid to touch me. But how could you? How could you hesitate to touch me when you've taken me, carried me to your little island over the sea, how come you never touched me?

I see the hurt in your eyes; you parted your lips then closed them again, and your frown slowly turned to something else, something trembling, but there's still the ceased in your brows as if you're physically hurting, and your eyes have tears on the corner. Unlike you, I didn't shy away when I reached out and ran my thumb across the edge of your eyes. You didn't flinch; you leaned more, and you looked more in pain as I leaned even closer, close enough to take your lips with my teeth, close enough to wrap all my being to your body. But you didn't lean anymore closer, so I had to do it, right? But why are you pushing me away?

"I can sing to you..." You whispered, your voice strained. You have your hands on my shoulders keeping distance between us, and I cry even more because of that, I don't know if you knew I was crying because you didn't want me close, or because you knew you'd still have to let me go even if I'm locking my arms around you. Why are you pushing me away? I thought you took me here because you want me, because it's only us in the world, that you saved me, that you love me?

"But if you really wanna go..." You said, now your tears are running down your cheeks too, I wipe them again.

"I know a boat- you can go." I didn't know if I let my sob out because I knew you'd never say those words, that you'd never let me leave even if I begged you to let me go, but I was wrong, very wrong, wasn't I? So I didn't say anything, I didn't say that that's not the right answer, that you shouldn't be letting me go, that you should be caging me even more, but I leaned to you, catching your lips with mine. I can still hear the waves muffled in the background, but it's only my sob and the beat of our hearts I can clearly hear.

You pull me closer. At last. You hold my waist very gently, you run your hands on my hair and hold my head as I push myself onto you further, opening my mouth for you to kiss me more, to feel me more so you wouldn't have to send me away, even though I was the one who asked you to.

I don't want to say anymore after that, but of course, I could never forget; it was the most precious memory of us, but I don't want anyone to know it's only for us, and they will be checking my letter before they send it to you. My mom didn't want this to be sent to you, because it's only part of my therapy Dr. Clarington told me to do, but I insisted I want you to read it too, and mom will be checking it first before you can read it. I hope you know I love you, even though right now all the people in here say I'm only manipulated, that it was my survival instinct to be attached to you and I don't know anymore, I just want you to know I always dream of what happened that night, between us, and the other days and night before when I fought like an animal and drowned in the sea only to be resurrected by you. When you told me you took me because you love me. I could never forget it.

Then you taught me how to make a fishing rod, how to catch bait and how to make a fire. I remembered how you held my hand as you guided me to the shore, and we caught fish together. You even laughed when I fell into the water, and I hated how I loved your laugh then. Then I tried to escape and fight you. Do you remember? How did I kick you and punch you as I tried to get away? But the island is a small circle, I only run for a few minutes, and I'm back to you again; I cried so much I fell onto the sand, and you watched me with your sad eyes. You just crouched down in front of me as you watched me cry, whispering it's better this way, just you and me, and you didn't touch me, just muttered how you'd never hurt me.

"I never would've taken you here- never would've risked your life to drown on that storm. But I love you and- and your parents wouldn't approve of me..." You whispered as you drew patterns on the sand, but I knew you weren't looking at your lines on the sand because your eyes were sad watching me cry.

"You don't even accept me, but you will. I know you will. You'll accept this place too."

I just kept crying, just cry and cry and cry, until I realized the sky's orange and pink, and you already made the fire. It wasn't the last time I cried and tried to escape, but you always seemed to catch me, and at the same time, it felt like you were saving me.

I remembered the third time I tried to get away, when I dragged a long fallen tree to the shore while you slept, thinking it would serve me as a boat and take me to a wider land where I could go back and tell you to the police. I dragged the dried tree until it floated and the water reached my chest, I tried to climb the tree then. The tree wasn't thick nor wide, It was almost the size of my legs combined but my legs were still bigger, so when I hopped on it I flipped, I managed to hold my breath when I hit the water, but my head hit a rock too, so there's a momentary pause and I gasped and my lungs hurt and my ears ringing, but you lift me and dragged me to shore, to the sand and muttered how I shouldn't have tried to escape, then you made me puke the waters out with your index and middle fingers touching the inside of my throat and vomited, then you went to the trees and found herbs I cannot name and dressed the wound I didn't know existed on my head. I knew then that you did save me.

The second time I nearly died- minus the storm- was when I decided to die was better than being stuck on that island with my captor. You, Sunghoon.

You were out in the trees, in the woods. I stared blankly at the waves, listening to them splash. Then there was this magnet that pulled me closer to it, so I stood and followed the retreating waves, imagining my mom waiting for me with my new ironed school uniform after I woke up, my breakfast waiting on the dining table. I saw my dad sneaking behind my mom handing me twenty dollars because I aced my precalculus. I heard my sister singing with the karaoke, dedicating the song to her crush as she ranted about how she was stuck in her art class. I feel my brother's hug as he congratulates me on my new award. Then I saw you blur, shining with the sun, your image dancing with the water as I closed my eyes. Right then I thought I just died. But you woke me up again, resurrected me as I liked to call it.

I didn't try to escape after that.

When they took me away from you, I didn't close my eyes, I just cried and watched you the whole time they dragged us both away from each other, then you mouthed: It's okay. You're safe.

But the thing is, Sunghoon, I'm not. I don't think I am safe. You weren't there when they took me to a white room with nothing else. They asked me all these kinds of questions. I didn't know what to answer and just burst out crying, calling my name, then they took me to a different room, left me alone and then I slept. Very. Very long.

It was my mom's face the first thing I saw then I woke up. Not you. I was so used to seeing you first when the sun hit my face and I woke up. So I asked about you.

"Honey, it's okay, don't worry about him; he can't hurt you anymore." My mom was saying as she hiccuped all the words, my dad on her side rubbing his hand on her arm.

But they're wrong. You never hurt me. So I shook my head and told them the truth. They didn't believe me, they said you manipulated me. Which isn't the truth either.

Since then, I realized they already made up the truth they wanted to believe. When I told them my truth, they shook their heads and my parents cried more, saying what did that monster do to their daughter.

Then I realized I was in a hospital bed, my sister sitting by my side, pealing me a tangerine.

"He's not a monster," I said, anger in my shaky voice. She didn't say anything, just pealed more tangerine as she wiped her tears from time to time. Three months after that, I told her everything that happened between us and what you are, and she cried all the time, not saying anything just saying sorry she wasn't a good sister. I still don't know how is her apology connected to us, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

The thing is, they didn't know you saved me, they didn't know you cared for me. They didn't know how you taught me to open a coconut fresh from the tree and how you taught me how to catch a fish with the rod we both made.

You didn't look at me in the courtroom; I was so sad because that's the only moment I'm allowed to see you. Then you said your testimony, and it broke my heart because you're agreeing with them; you said their truth, not our truth. When they asked you if you've been stalking me for two years you said not guilty. When they asked if you planned to take me away- kidnapped me, you said not guilty. Then, when they asked if you lured me to get into your yacht, you said not guilty. The thing is, you never lured me; I went willingly with you because you were supposed to show me something, right?

When it was my turn to speak, I told them our truth, my truth. I told them you're not a monster, you saved me, you didn't hurt me, you never touched me the way I didn't like, you never said anything to hurt me, and I saw everyone make a face; my mother shook her head and cried. When I looked at you, your eyes were pleading, as if to say, 'Please don't, it's for the best.' but how is it the best? We're so far from each other. But still, after all those things I said, they still took you away. I didn't feel like I won the trial because my lawyer kept saying I was in psychological confusion, and the judge believed it too, so they took me away.

Then therapy came, and my psychiatrist kept asking things that I hated answering because I just kept remembering how you let me go and pushed me away, despite you bringing me there on that small island with you.

"I really love music" My voice penetrated the sound of waves hitting the sand and rocks, I'm not looking at the constellation anymore, and I can feel you're not either because I feel your gaze on me, and it encouraged me to continue, knowing you're listening.

"I play the guitar sometimes. My dad bought it for me when I got a really good grade at school. I'm not exceptionally good, I'm not really good at strumming or plucking." I know my voice wasn't that loud because you leaned closer to hear me; I could almost feel your shoulder brush mine, but you still kept your distance; I kind of hoped you'd lean more, touch me, and cage me in your strong arms. But you didn't, so I go on.

"There's nothing to listen to here, unlike home, only the water," I said, looking at the calm sea dance in front of us.

"And insects." You said. I nod.

"And insects," I repeated.

"And you. And me."

"Yes, and us," I repeated again. I didn't have to glance at you to know you were frowning, not in confusion or anything, just looking at me as if you wanted to embrace me and mould me inside you until we were one.

I inhaled sharply, and the smell of the sea and sand entered my nostrils. I don't glance at you, I look at you fully, because somehow, I'm not afraid of you anymore, I'm not scared of the deepness and darkness obscure of your eyes, I feel like I want to drown in them at that moment, and I wished you'd never let me go. I feel my eyes burn somehow, maybe because of the sadness those intense eyes are looking at me with, or because I still really want to go back home, or maybe because I don't want to leave at all, I don't want to escape you. But I said it anyway.

"Would you take me there? At home?" I whispered. But you heard. You always heard. Then I feel my cheeks wet, then I see your hand hesitate to wipe my tears in my peripheral vision, as if afraid to touch me. But how could you? How could you hesitate to touch me when you've taken me, carried me to your little island over the sea, how come you never touched me?

I see the hurt in your eyes; you parted your lips then closed them again, and your frown slowly turned to something else, something trembling, but there's still the ceased in your brows as if you're physically hurting, and your eyes have tears on the corner. Unlike you, I didn't shy away when I reached out and ran my thumb across the edge of your eyes. You didn't flinch; you leaned more, and you looked more in pain as I leaned even closer, close enough to take your lips with my teeth, close enough to wrap all my being to your body. But you didn't lean anymore closer, so I had to do it, right? But why are you pushing me away?

"I can sing to you..." You whispered, your voice strained. You have your hands on my shoulders keeping distance between us, and I cry even more because of that, I don't know if you knew I was crying because you didn't want me close, or because you knew you'd still have to let me go even if I'm locking my arms around you. Why are you pushing me away? I thought you took me here because you want me, because it's only us in the world, that you saved me, that you love me?

"But if you really wanna go..." You said, now your tears are running down your cheeks too, I wipe them again.

"I know a boat- you can go." I didn't know if I let my sob out because I knew you'd never say those words, that you'd never let me leave even if I begged you to let me go, but I was wrong, very wrong, wasn't I? So I didn't say anything, I didn't say that that's not the right answer, that you shouldn't be letting me go, that you should be caging me even more, but I leaned to you, catching your lips with mine. I can still hear the waves muffled in the background, but it's only my sob and the beat of our hearts I can clearly hear.

You pull me closer. At last. You hold my waist very gently, you run your hands on my hair and hold my head as I push myself onto you further, opening my mouth for you to kiss me more, to feel me more so you wouldn't have to send me away, even though I was the one who asked you to.

I don't want to say anymore after that, but of course, I could never forget; it was the most precious memory of us, but I don't want anyone to know it's only for us, and they will be checking my letter before they send it to you. My mom didn't want this to be sent to you, because it's only part of my therapy Dr. Clarington told me to do, but I insisted I want you to read it too, and mom will be checking it first before you can read it. I hope you know I love you, even though right now all the people in here say I'm only manipulated, that it was my survival instinct to be attached to you and I don't know anymore, I just want you to know I always dream of what happened that night, between us, and the other days and night before when I fought like an animal and drowned in the sea only to be resurrected by you. When you told me you took me because you love me. I could never forget it.

"Seriously?" Then his surprise shifts into a frown. "Then why do you look disappointed?"

That made you groan, gripping your hair frustratedly as your head drop on the pillow on your lap. Riki stare at you in confusion.

"Because I am disappointed..." You lift your gaze and see his deep frown.

"I did it with a junior--look, I was drunk, alright? And I made a promise to myself I'd lose my virginity to the person I love. If possible, once I got married and now-" You didn't finish your sentence heave a long defeated sigh.

Riki scoot closer to you and give you a pat on the back, scoffing a little.

"Why did you even do it if you're regretting it this much?" He asked. You answered with another frustrated groan.

"I was drunk and horny... obviously." Riki rolled his eyes at your remark and grab his phone again to start another game. Ignoring you.

You didn't mind even if he starts another game, you just know that whatever he's doing, he'll always listen to you.

"I hate this..." you grumble again.

"Riki help me..!" You grab his arm and starts shaking him. He gave you a deadpanned look and slap your hand off his shoulder.

"Seriously, What am I supposed to do? make you virgin again?" He said in irritation making you whine in return.

"God I hate this..." You muttered beside him.

"I wouldn't mind it this much if I lose it with you instead." Riki's fingers halt on his game, then he gave you a look.

"Are you being serious?" He asked without the earlier irritation in his voice, instead, this tone of is low and deep, almost above a whisper.

"Yeah, seriously." You rolled your eyes. "If only you took my virginity before that party , I wouldn't regret it this much." You said between sighs. When you glance at him again, there's this unreadable look he has, almost a predatory stare that makes a prey like you very uncomfortable.

"What's with the stare?" You asked, a frown slowly form on your face while his stare's not waverng.

"You're talking about sex." He said flatly.

"I am." You nod with a little uncertainty.

"With me." He added. You nod again in confirmation.

"I mean- if you're offended I brought this up-" He shakes his head slightly before interrupting you.

"That's not it." There's a cool in his voice that made you shiver a little. You swallowed thickly.

"'Just that- you're asking me to fuck you, indirectly." Your eyes widen while your lips parted. Silence filled his room as you stare at him in disbelief while he stare back at you, his expression still cold and blank.

"That's not-"

"You're not entirely not a virgin anymore." He move closer to you, his hand slowly finding your waist, pulling you closer, then in a blink of an eye, you're straddling his lap, his hard cock poking your butt, making you wet and more red on the face. His right hand then roam under your shirt, the soft skin of your waist in his grip, while his other hand held your nape, caressing gently as he pulled you closer, placing your head on the crook of his neck, his lips grazing your ear as his breath hit your skin, forming goosebumps all-over your body.

"If I fuck you right now, I bet you're still tight. Imagine your pussy clenching me, hm?" You bite your bottom lip to suppress the whipper urging to escape your lips as your hands find his shoulders for support, making him smile slightly.

His right hand move down your hip, then your thigh. He give your smooth thigh gentle caresses and rubs as he slowly slips his fighters in our shorts, reaching your inner thigh.

"Riki..." You whispered as you slowly lift your head to give him a glance.

"Hm?" He remove his hand from your nape and hold your cheek instead. "You're not ready yet?" He asked gently, warmth in his tone.

You shake your head. "That's not it- it's just...We're about to do it...aren't we?" The uncertainty in your voice made Riki smile a little.

"Yeah." He plant a small peck on your cheek, then the other cheek then your nose and your forehead, leaving you breathless and flustered. He took your lips with his teeth, nibbling and sucking, his left hand made its way up your shorts reaching your panties, while his other hand tilted your head up to deepen the kiss, his tongue fighting yours and eventually dominating your mouth. His fingers graze your clit, you whimper against his lips, then his thumb stared rubbing like his tongue rubs yours. You break the kiss and grasp for air, clenching his shoulders as his fingers slips inside you one by one, while his thumb rubs, his three fingers enters and exits your hole. Riki couldn't help but let a quiet groan out as he grow even hard by your moans and the way you ride his fingers breathlessly made him want to fuck you to sleep with his cook. Then soon enough, you reached your limits, your moans filled his room, he slowly slips his fingers out of you and caressing your cheek and give you a sweet, gentle kiss on the lips before you collapse against him, both in tiredness and embarrassment from being fucked your best friend's fingers.

"Seriously?" Then his surprise shifts into a frown. "Then why do you look disappointed?"

That made you groan, gripping your hair frustratedly as your head drop on the pillow on your lap. Riki stare at you in confusion.

"Because I am disappointed..." You lift your gaze and see his deep frown.

"I did it with a junior--look, I was drunk, alright? And I made a promise to myself I'd lose my virginity to the person I love. If possible, once I got married and now-" You didn't finish your sentence heave a long defeated sigh.

Riki scoot closer to you and give you a pat on the back, scoffing a little.

"Why did you even do it if you're regretting it this much?" He asked. You answered with another frustrated groan.

"I was drunk and horny... obviously." Riki rolled his eyes at your remark and grab his phone again to start another game. Ignoring you.

You didn't mind even if he starts another game, you just know that whatever he's doing, he'll always listen to you.

"I hate this..." you grumble again.

"Riki help me..!" You grab his arm and starts shaking him. He gave you a deadpanned look and slap your hand off his shoulder.

"Seriously, What am I supposed to do? make you virgin again?" He said in irritation making you whine in return.

"God I hate this..." You muttered beside him.

"I wouldn't mind it this much if I lose it with you instead." Riki's fingers halt on his game, then he gave you a look.

"Are you being serious?" He asked without the earlier irritation in his voice, instead, this tone of is low and deep, almost above a whisper.

"Yeah, seriously." You rolled your eyes. "If only you took my virginity before that party , I wouldn't regret it this much." You said between sighs. When you glance at him again, there's this unreadable look he has, almost a predatory stare that makes a prey like you very uncomfortable.

"What's with the stare?" You asked, a frown slowly form on your face while his stare's not waverng.

"You're talking about sex." He said flatly.

"I am." You nod with a little uncertainty.

"With me." He added. You nod again in confirmation.

"I mean- if you're offended I brought this up-" He shakes his head slightly before interrupting you.

"That's not it." There's a cool in his voice that made you shiver a little. You swallowed thickly.

"'Just that- you're asking me to fuck you, indirectly." Your eyes widen while your lips parted. Silence filled his room as you stare at him in disbelief while he stare back at you, his expression still cold and blank.

"That's not-"

"You're not entirely not a virgin anymore." He move closer to you, his hand slowly finding your waist, pulling you closer, then in a blink of an eye, you're straddling his lap, his hard cock poking your butt, making you wet and more red on the face. His right hand then roam under your shirt, the soft skin of your waist in his grip, while his other hand held your nape, caressing gently as he pulled you closer, placing your head on the crook of his neck, his lips grazing your ear as his breath hit your skin, forming goosebumps all-over your body.

"If I fuck you right now, I bet you're still tight. Imagine your pussy clenching me, hm?" You bite your bottom lip to suppress the whipper urging to escape your lips as your hands find his shoulders for support, making him smile slightly.

His right hand move down your hip, then your thigh. He give your smooth thigh gentle caresses and rubs as he slowly slips his fighters in our shorts, reaching your inner thigh.

"Riki..." You whispered as you slowly lift your head to give him a glance.

"Hm?" He remove his hand from your nape and hold your cheek instead. "You're not ready yet?" He asked gently, warmth in his tone.

You shake your head. "That's not it- it's just...We're about to do it...aren't we?" The uncertainty in your voice made Riki smile a little.

"Yeah." He plant a small peck on your cheek, then the other cheek then your nose and your forehead, leaving you breathless and flustered. He took your lips with his teeth, nibbling and sucking, his left hand made its way up your shorts reaching your panties, while his other hand tilted your head up to deepen the kiss, his tongue fighting yours and eventually dominating your mouth. His fingers graze your clit, you whimper against his lips, then his thumb stared rubbing like his tongue rubs yours. You break the kiss and grasp for air, clenching his shoulders as his fingers slips inside you one by one, while his thumb rubs, his three fingers enters and exits your hole. Riki couldn't help but let a quiet groan out as he grow even hard by your moans and the way you ride his fingers breathlessly made him want to fuck you to sleep with his cook. Then soon enough, you reached your limits, your moans filled his room, he slowly slips his fingers out of you and caressing your cheek and give you a sweet, gentle kiss on the lips before you collapse against him, both in tiredness and embarrassment from being fucked your best friend's fingers.

"Seriously?" Then his surprise shifts into a frown. "Then why do you look disappointed?"

That made you groan, gripping your hair frustratedly as your head drop on the pillow on your lap. Riki stare at you in confusion.

"Because I am disappointed..." You lift your gaze and see his deep frown.

"I did it with a junior--look, I was drunk, alright? And I made a promise to myself I'd lose my virginity to the person I love. If possible, once I got married and now-" You didn't finish your sentence heave a long defeated sigh.

Riki scoot closer to you and give you a pat on the back, scoffing a little.

"Why did you even do it if you're regretting it this much?" He asked. You answered with another frustrated groan.

"I was drunk and horny... obviously." Riki rolled his eyes at your remark and grab his phone again to start another game. Ignoring you.

You didn't mind even if he starts another game, you just know that whatever he's doing, he'll always listen to you.

"I hate this..." you grumble again.

"Riki help me..!" You grab his arm and starts shaking him. He gave you a deadpanned look and slap your hand off his shoulder.

"Seriously, What am I supposed to do? make you virgin again?" He said in irritation making you whine in return.

"God I hate this..." You muttered beside him.

"I wouldn't mind it this much if I lose it with you instead." Riki's fingers halt on his game, then he gave you a look.

"Are you being serious?" He asked without the earlier irritation in his voice, instead, this tone of is low and deep, almost above a whisper.

"Yeah, seriously." You rolled your eyes. "If only you took my virginity before that party , I wouldn't regret it this much." You said between sighs. When you glance at him again, there's this unreadable look he has, almost a predatory stare that makes a prey like you very uncomfortable.

"What's with the stare?" You asked, a frown slowly form on your face while his stare's not waverng.

"You're talking about sex." He said flatly.

"I am." You nod with a little uncertainty.

"With me." He added. You nod again in confirmation.

"I mean- if you're offended I brought this up-" He shakes his head slightly before interrupting you.

"That's not it." There's a cool in his voice that made you shiver a little. You swallowed thickly.

"'Just that- you're asking me to fuck you, indirectly." Your eyes widen while your lips parted. Silence filled his room as you stare at him in disbelief while he stare back at you, his expression still cold and blank.

"That's not-"

"You're not entirely not a virgin anymore." He move closer to you, his hand slowly finding your waist, pulling you closer, then in a blink of an eye, you're straddling his lap, his hard cock poking your butt, making you wet and more red on the face. His right hand then roam under your shirt, the soft skin of your waist in his grip, while his other hand held your nape, caressing gently as he pulled you closer, placing your head on the crook of his neck, his lips grazing your ear as his breath hit your skin, forming goosebumps all-over your body.

"If I fuck you right now, I bet you're still tight. Imagine your pussy clenching me, hm?" You bite your bottom lip to suppress the whipper urging to escape your lips as your hands find his shoulders for support, making him smile slightly.

His right hand move down your hip, then your thigh. He give your smooth thigh gentle caresses and rubs as he slowly slips his fighters in our shorts, reaching your inner thigh.

"Riki..." You whispered as you slowly lift your head to give him a glance.

"Hm?" He remove his hand from your nape and hold your cheek instead. "You're not ready yet?" He asked gently, warmth in his tone.

You shake your head. "That's not it- it's just...We're about to do it...aren't we?" The uncertainty in your voice made Riki smile a little.

"Yeah." He plant a small peck on your cheek, then the other cheek then your nose and your forehead, leaving you breathless and flustered. He took your lips with his teeth, nibbling and sucking, his left hand made its way up your shorts reaching your panties, while his other hand tilted your head up to deepen the kiss, his tongue fighting yours and eventually dominating your mouth. His fingers graze your clit, you whimper against his lips, then his thumb stared rubbing like his tongue rubs yours. You break the kiss and grasp for air, clenching his shoulders as his fingers slips inside you one by one, while his thumb rubs, his three fingers enters and exits your hole. Riki couldn't help but let a quiet groan out as he grow even hard by your moans and the way you ride his fingers breathlessly made him want to fuck you to sleep with his cook. Then soon enough, you reached your limits, your moans filled his room, he slowly slips his fingers out of you and caressing your cheek and give you a sweet, gentle kiss on the lips before you collapse against him, both in tiredness and embarrassment from being fucked your best friend's fingers.

"Seriously?" Then his surprise shifts into a frown. "Then why do you look disappointed?"

That made you groan, gripping your hair frustratedly as your head drop on the pillow on your lap. Riki stare at you in confusion.

"Because I am disappointed..." You lift your gaze and see his deep frown.

"I did it with a junior--look, I was drunk, alright? And I made a promise to myself I'd lose my virginity to the person I love. If possible, once I got married and now-" You didn't finish your sentence heave a long defeated sigh.

Riki scoot closer to you and give you a pat on the back, scoffing a little.

"Why did you even do it if you're regretting it this much?" He asked. You answered with another frustrated groan.

"I was drunk and horny... obviously." Riki rolled his eyes at your remark and grab his phone again to start another game. Ignoring you.

You didn't mind even if he starts another game, you just know that whatever he's doing, he'll always listen to you.

"I hate this..." you grumble again.

"Riki help me..!" You grab his arm and starts shaking him. He gave you a deadpanned look and slap your hand off his shoulder.

"Seriously, What am I supposed to do? make you virgin again?" He said in irritation making you whine in return.

"God I hate this..." You muttered beside him.

"I wouldn't mind it this much if I lose it with you instead." Riki's fingers halt on his game, then he gave you a look.

"Are you being serious?" He asked without the earlier irritation in his voice, instead, this tone of is low and deep, almost above a whisper.

"Yeah, seriously." You rolled your eyes. "If only you took my virginity before that party , I wouldn't regret it this much." You said between sighs. When you glance at him again, there's this unreadable look he has, almost a predatory stare that makes a prey like you very uncomfortable.

"What's with the stare?" You asked, a frown slowly form on your face while his stare's not waverng.

"You're talking about sex." He said flatly.

"I am." You nod with a little uncertainty.

"With me." He added. You nod again in confirmation.

"I mean- if you're offended I brought this up-" He shakes his head slightly before interrupting you.

"That's not it." There's a cool in his voice that made you shiver a little. You swallowed thickly.

"'Just that- you're asking me to fuck you, indirectly." Your eyes widen while your lips parted. Silence filled his room as you stare at him in disbelief while he stare back at you, his expression still cold and blank.

"That's not-"

"You're not entirely not a virgin anymore." He move closer to you, his hand slowly finding your waist, pulling you closer, then in a blink of an eye, you're straddling his lap, his hard cock poking your butt, making you wet and more red on the face. His right hand then roam under your shirt, the soft skin of your waist in his grip, while his other hand held your nape, caressing gently as he pulled you closer, placing your head on the crook of his neck, his lips grazing your ear as his breath hit your skin, forming goosebumps all-over your body.

"If I fuck you right now, I bet you're still tight. Imagine your pussy clenching me, hm?" You bite your bottom lip to suppress the whipper urging to escape your lips as your hands find his shoulders for support, making him smile slightly.

His right hand move down your hip, then your thigh. He give your smooth thigh gentle caresses and rubs as he slowly slips his fighters in our shorts, reaching your inner thigh.

"Riki..." You whispered as you slowly lift your head to give him a glance.

"Hm?" He remove his hand from your nape and hold your cheek instead. "You're not ready yet?" He asked gently, warmth in his tone.

You shake your head. "That's not it- it's just...We're about to do it...aren't we?" The uncertainty in your voice made Riki smile a little.

"Yeah." He plant a small peck on your cheek, then the other cheek then your nose and your forehead, leaving you breathless and flustered. He took your lips with his teeth, nibbling and sucking, his left hand made its way up your shorts reaching your panties, while his other hand tilted your head up to deepen the kiss, his tongue fighting yours and eventually dominating your mouth. His fingers graze your clit, you whimper against his lips, then his thumb stared rubbing like his tongue rubs yours. You break the kiss and grasp for air, clenching his shoulders as his fingers slips inside you one by one, while his thumb rubs, his three fingers enters and exits your hole. Riki couldn't help but let a quiet groan out as he grow even hard by your moans and the way you ride his fingers breathlessly made him want to fuck you to sleep with his cook. Then soon enough, you reached your limits, your moans filled his room, he slowly slips his fingers out of you and caressing your cheek and give you a sweet, gentle kiss on the lips before you collapse against him, both in tiredness and embarrassment from being fucked your best friend's fingers.