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Shannon and I made some resolutions this year. We talked about them for a while and I told her I’ve been thinking a lot about the kind of guy I want to be. The kind of guy I wish I were. The guy my daughter will know.

I’d like to think that becoming a dad has given me my new sense of self awareness, but I recognize that being a person on the Internet has contributed to it too. I’ve been thinking carefully about how I present myself online for years. So, there’s a real desire for self improvement behind my thinking, but there’s plenty of vanity too.

Essentially, I want to be seen as the kind of guy who surfs and reads books (although not at the expense of being a good husband or father).

I’m kind of that guy, but not to the degree I’d like to be.

Instead of surfing when I have time, I usually run. I run because it’s easy. I don’t have to strap a board to the car, or remember to put on sunscreen, or put on a wetsuit, or brace for cold water. I just have to put on my shoes and run out the front door.

But that’s not really why I run instead of surf.

I run because it’s acceptable – in the puritan sense. Running is suffering. Surfing is fun, which is unacceptable – because it’s fun. I run because it’s ok to take time for myself if I suffer. It’s selfish to take time for myself to have fun.

This is nothing imposed by Shannon or anyone else in my life. It’s fully ingrained into my psyche and I don’t like it.

Instead of reading books, I read the Internet. I read Instapaper. I fritter away time by compulsively checking Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter, Google Reader, Instagram, and email. Ad nauseam, ad infinitum.

I want to read books because they’re deep. They leave impressions on me. They demand focus instead of obliterating it.

I still want to surf and read books. I want to be that kind of guy. But I need to understand why I want to be that kind of guy.

I want to be the kind of guy who isn’t ashamed to enjoy his life. Who values pleasure per se because life is short. I want to be the kind of guy who cherishes his attention and focuses it carefully. Who doesn’t waste it reacting to the Internet because life is short.

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