vivere mortuus

Giethoorn in Netherlands has no roads or any modern transportation at all, only canals. Well, and 176 bridges too. Tourists have to leave their cars outside of the village and travel here by foot or boat by. So you can probably imagine how peaceful it is here.

When I hit my head on the door in 4th grade, they asked me, ‘on a scale of one to ten, How much does it hurt?’ I said 9, because the pain was sharp, and it hurt like hell, but it wasn’t hell; I knew the pain would fade. In fifth grade, I moved, and I knew I’d never see my best friend again. My parents asked me, ‘is it unbearable?’ I solemnly answered ‘no’, because even though it felt like there was a nail in my heart, and someone had just taken a hammer and hit it, my heart was only cracked. It wasn’t shattered. I knew that it would be whole once again. In the 9th grade, I felt like I had lost everyone. The family I grew up with, wanted nothing to do with me. My friends asked me ‘are you okay?’ I answered ‘yes’. And they might have believed it to be a lie, but it wasn’t. Because I may have lost the people that I once cherished the most, but that was the past, and they are no longer the ones I call family. I knew I would move on, and find closure with time. Today, it has been a week since I started crying for you every night. I’m waiting for someone to ask ‘on a scale of one to ten, how much does it hurt?’, because I’ll say 10. I’ll say 10 because I have never missed someone even when they were right there beside me. Because I have never felt overwhelmed with fear when I hugged someone goodbye. This isn’t like hell, it is hell, and this isn’t another crack  that I can just mend, my heart is shattered.  Because you are now the one  that I love the most and losing you  is something that would take  an eternity to get over.  So when they asked me all those times before, and when they ask me again, it wont be a 10. It won’t be unbearable. Because no pain that I have ever, or will ever endure, could begin to compare to this pain. The pain that comes with the feeling of losing you, and crying for you every night because you’re not there. This crippling and torturous pain of missing you. That is a 10.

Sometimes you meet someone and even though you never liked brown eyes before, their eyes are your new favourite colour.

I rather be alone, than in the arms of someone who does not have the ability to comprehend the true essence of me. I want the type of love that is on fire; true passion engulfing my existence like a sixth degree burn.

I am afraid of getting older. I am afraid of getting married. Spare me from cooking three meals a day—spare me from the relentless cage of routine and rote. I want to be free… I want, I want to think, to be omniscient.

In German there are so many words for “why” because one is not enough for such a powerful and universal little question.

To alter the universe, alter your thoughts, because the only universe you will ever know is in your mind.

The mind wants to discover by reasoning what exists in the infinity of space that lies out there, beyond the ramparts of this world.