From My Head

I told you how I feel sometimes.

How I think you could do better than me.

I told you how I think I’m holding you back.

“Oh, yeah?”

You asked.

I told you how sometimes I think you’d be happier with someone else.

Happier with someone who could buy you the things you wanted. The things you deserve.

You should be with someone who has the means to take care of you.

Someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved.

This is the first time I’ve ever been truly honest with you about how I feel.

You just walked away.

Is that a sign?

I’m not good at these things.

I sit outside.

In the backyard shed.

Typing this.

You don’t look for their hand.

I mean you do.

But you already know where it is.

You don’t have to ask her

Where her hand is.

We don’t hold hands by placing them the same way atop each other.

We look for the spaces in between.

For it is in the other persons empty spaces that we will be.

Filling each other’s lives, with Love.

There is no longer an empty space next me.

You fill my life with purpose.

I no longer feel alone.

From this day forward,

You will never have to ask.

Just like I know where your hand is,

You know exactly where my heart is.

I Look in the mirror,

I catch a glimpse of the Man that plays me, in real life.

He stares at me,

And I look back at him.

He slowly gives me a disapproving head shake.

I look back and ask

“What do I do?”

“How can i be better?”

He just stares back at me.

He’s lost weight.

Last time I saw him,

He was at least two hundred and sixty pounds.

These days he’s looking more around one hundred and eighty pounds.

I can see his cheeks bones.

He’s not very thin,

But he is significantly thinner than before.

We stare at each other for what seems like hours.

Days fly by.

There we stand,

Face to face.

Eye to eye.

Blaming each other for our failures.

The cellphone alarm goes off.

Music plays loudly from my pocket.

We both look away,

As we reach for our phones.

The show must go on.

I step out of the restroom,

And into my roll.

“Dad”

My daughter calls.

That’s my que.

Dogs, we age slow.

Compared to other humans,

we age the same.

Compared to Giant Red Wood Trees,

I might be in the spectrum.

It said

“The Next Step is to contact your local...”

What do I say when they answer the phone?

“I think I might be Autistic.”

I struggle to not make fun of myself, because that’s what I do when things make me uncomfortable or I don’t understand them. I make jokes or try and find the funny.

Who do I ask for help?

How do I ask for help?

I can’t be Autistic. They wouldn’t let an Autistic person in the military, would they?

Wouldn’t They?

Go away boy.

Live

Dream

Laugh

Cry

Get your heart broken.

Fall in love.

Be great.

Be someone.

You can’t do that here boy.

You must go away.

Go find what you are made of.

King size San Marcos blanket with animals on it.

An elephant stands proudly in the back.

To right of the elephant sits a gorila, a lion and a tiger.

Opposite are a goat and a bear that seem to have no trouble sitting next to one another.

It’s a heavy blanket. Meant for cooler temperatures than Texas is used to.

This blanket was given to me and my wife 15 years ago as a wedding gift.

We’ve slept on it.

I’m pretty sure we made a baby under it.

Our Children have both slept on it and under it.

Some of the edge is coming off near one of the corners.

I want to hang it on our wall but it’s to big.

Maybe I could buy a couch and cover it with my blanket.

I could put it away in a box and attempt to save it from falling apart.

What to do?

Sounds like a problem for another time.

You can’t run away from your problems.

When you get to your destination,

Your problems

are STILL

Your problem.

How do you fix

Your problem?

Where do you start?

No matter

where you go.

No matter what you do.

There you are

And you

Are

This planet is many years old. I won’t tell you exactly how old because one should never ask a lady their age. When she first came to be, she was alone for some time. Then little by little she started growing things. If you are like me, and notice something on you that wasn’t their before, you go to the doctor and get it check out. Being a planet, and the only one around with things growing on it, she was pretty embarrassed.

Little by little, more things grew on her. Plants, animals and soon, humans.

Humans were by far the most annoying thing that grew on her. Not only did they multiply, like every other animal or plant, they also evolved and destroyed parts of the earth.

She nurtured these humans for many, MANY years, but the humans still didn’t notice the damage they were inflicting on the poor planet. Little by little the planet started to die.

She would get fevers and her temperature would rise so much that humans were starting to get worried.

Only after years of rising temperatures, extreme weather and global pollution problems, did the humans try and fix anything. Humans. Attempting to “fix” a planet. As if a planet had a way to be fixed. Such grand ideas from such a puny race.

Humans had studied the earth. They examined the living things on the planet. The shape of the planet. They even mapped the stars far away from the planet. One thing the humans never did was stop, and examine how the planet continues to give them life. Why does the planet still grow green, and how do her waters keep flowing? Most humans will tell you that rains and melting icecaps is what produce this water.

What happens when we have polluted all the water on earth? We have big companies who sell you things. Companies who sell things everyday, nonstop. They make their money by selling you things you need, and things you don’t need. Things you want. Things you “have to have”. One of the things these big companies do not do, is get rid of or recycle trash. The big companies like WalMart or Target, and every other big box store do not recycle. If you ask them they will tell you that they do. They recycle internal garbage. Internal trash. They have bins inside their offices and break rooms marked “Cans Only” or maybe “Recycling Paper” and in some cases “Styrofoam”. Recycling is a great idea. But for the amount of garbage that is created from all the items sold at these mega stores, they do not recycle enough.

That’s where you come in. You can make a change. You are the ones that elect your leaders. You are the ones who put them in charge. The planet is dying. She needs your help. Make big companies accountable for the trash they create. Pass a law that will force big companies to take back the trash that’s left over and recycle it. Not for them to hire a company and have someone else recycle it, but for the company itself to open their very own recycling center. Start with a membership to the store. Where you can get discounts on certain items that are recyclable. Then you can have the store go by your place and pick up any recyclables or trash you might have. Why is it always up to the states and cities to have to get rid of the garbage that others create? You want to sell in high volume? Well first you have to promise to help clean up the area and become part of the solution.

I have been with you since you were a child,

I tried to make you see.

You sat back in class and watched all the children play together and become friends.

I know you wanted to be like them.

You wanted to run and laugh, and play.

I saw your first day of middle school, after you moved to the new house.

Inner city kids are a lot different than the kids you were used to being around.

Your acne made you self conscious.

You felt so alone even though you were surrounded by others who were going through the same things you were.

The same, but not the same.

You believe that you are the only one who could have possibly been going through what you thought was the worst time.

I saw you dancing with that girl in high school.

She invited you to her school dance.

I even saw when you accidentally hit her in the face with your forearm when you tried to spin her.

If you think you were embarrassed, you should have been in her shoes.

I saw you cry when your brother died.

I saw you move away from your home town thinking that you could escape the memory of him.

I saw you start to drink.

I saw the girl you met at 24, and I saw you a month later get married.

I saw the doubt that you had.

I even saw the first argument you had with your wife.

I was there when you went to war for your country and I was there when you came back.

I was there when your Son was born and 3 years later when your Daughter entered this world.

I see you struggle to find a job.

I see you worry that you are a failing father.

I see the sadness.

I see you struggling.

I see you.

Why can’t you see?

Why can’t you see all that I am and all that you can be?

Get up, get out.

You are not long for this world.

Make the best of it.

Make mistakes.

Stop being afraid.

Everyone isn’t staring you.

No one is talking about you.

You are no different than anyone else.

Everyone has a secret, everyone has troubles they go through.

It’s up to you and how you deal with the things that bother you.

Open your eyes look around and you will see.

You have a family, a home, and me.

I had a job about a week ago. I fucked up and left. Why? Because I didn’t feel comfortable there. It felt like the Army. And once again, I felt lost.

I feel like there is something missing.

How the heck did I pull this off?

I’ve been married for 14yrs,

I have 2 children,

3 dogs,

And 2 fish.

A morgage and a car payment. I am the complete Adult Family Starter pack.

I even have the 3 page resume.

I feel alone.

I’m surrounded by people who love me and care.

I feel alone.

I hate change.

Avances in technology are fascinating. I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

I find it hard to change with the times.

I feel like I don’t belong.

I’ve been to the VA.

The lady talks and I listen.

She says “There is nothing wrong with you.”

I’m glad she knows that there isn’t anything wrong with me.

I just hope she can convince me of the same.

Little things make me mad.

I get upset for no reason.

Marijuana helps me calm down and see things the way they are.

Marijuana is illegal in my state and I could get fired for having it in my system.

I don’t have to be smoking at work to get fired for marijuana.

I smoke when I get home from work so that I can function.

I don’t drink.

I only smoke.

I wake up in the morning and get the kids ready for school.

I drop them off and I head to work.

I don’t talk to anyone or have friends.

I don’t care to much for friendships.

I have a wife and 2 beautiful children. I don’t need any other distractions. I only want to give them my attention. They are the ones that matter the most to me.

I need to know what’s wrong with me.

I just don’t know how to ask without someone telling me “There is nothing wrong.”

I know something isn’t right.

I’m not suicidal.

And if you’re one of those people that say “I think America is Great NOW!”

I’ve got news for you.

It’s not.

Tell that to the children that came here looking for asylum and ended up in cages and holding cells. Tell that to the boy who was at a border patrol holding area and made to poop in a toilet that was in the room occupied by 20 other boys his age and boys up to 17. Early 17. Not the older 17 year olds. The closer they were to turning 18 means that you’re accepting him as a minor but once he turns 18 that’s more paper work to transfer him to the Adult holding area. So instead you send him to 18 and up holding because by the time they get to see a lawyer he WILL BE 18 and it’s not my problem anymore.

No politics. I’ve had enough politic talk to last me 10 life times. People have actually lost friends over elections.

When things aren’t going your way and you know it’s not going to get better, there’s a moment where you can change your path.

Don’t ignore it.

Once you’ve crossed over, it’s a lot harder to turn things around.

You can do it. Don’t give up. There’s no magic force that will make you better or get you out of a jam.

YOU are the only one who can get you out of the funk you’re in. Thoughts and wishes might help you feel better, but it won’t fix your problems. Unless the only thing that’s wrong with you is that you want someone to think about you and wish you a good day, in which case problem solved.

You don’t have a job? Go out and find one. There are many. No jobs in your town? MOVE! Commute. “But I don’t have family anywhere else.” And? Do you have a car? Use it. Make use of anything you have to get what you want.

You don’t have friends? Get up, get out, do something. Even Facebook has local pages for you to meet like minded people. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. The person who is most critical of you is YOU.

You don’t have a significant other? STOP LOOKING FOR LOVE. The best relationships are built from friendship. You can’t force love.

“But I don’t have any friends.” Stop it. Those are only excuses that you use to keep people away.

You are the best you that you can be.

Don’t try to be anyone else. Don’t try and please anyone else.

Be happy with who you are and you will be happy.

Giving up is not an option.

Be confident.

Be you.

I hope this helps.

It’s all I have.

Think back to when you were younger. Do you still remember the music, the movies, the stories of your childhood?

Now, think of what it must of been like hundreds of years ago.

Was there TV, Movies?

There was written word. Song and music.

Not everyone knew how to read or write. One thing people had back then was curiosity and hunger to know more.

If someone wrote a book and decided to share it they couldn’t use internet or telephone. Those things didn’t exist back then.

The only way to share it was through this place where people gathered. You’d go from town to town reciting passages from a book to people who were to poor to even afford food. The stories gave them hope. It let them be happy when there was little to be happy about.

The farm failed, the crops died, the well dried up. Oh well. “God” still loves me.

If you look around at all the things that man has done, you can see that there are great things that were accomplished.

Out of those many things man has accomplished, there are many things that are horrible unspeakable acts. Terrible things in this world happen all the time. Would a “Loving God” let these happen?

Why would “God” let an expecting mother carry to term and let the baby die at birth?

Have your prayers been answered? If they have it’s probably because you went out and got stuff done.

There is no such thing as a miracle. A miracle is described as

“a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency.”

If a Magician shows you a Magic trick, you know that it isn’t real. You already know that there is some trick, or gimmick. Why then do we as a society believe a thousand year old book written by people with less knowledge about life than we have today?