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how universal of an experience is having the giving tree read to you as a small child and being distraught even tho the teacher seemed to think it was a nice story. also is this a gendered phenomenon. do girlchildren know on some level that theyâre the tree not the little boy
Children designated as âgifted and talentedâ frequently melt down because of this story.  Boys and girls both. Iâve heard many G&T educators say they donât bring The Giving Tree or The Rainbow Fish into their classrooms at all because of it.
Wow, what is it about gifted and talented kids that makes those stories hit them so hard?
Because those stories are innately about what to do with gifts and talents, and in the case of those particular books, children often interpret them as âgive up all sense of self and bodily autonomy, and carve yourself to pieces to make other people like you.â
Hereâs my friend unpacking The Rainbow Fish on the topic.
âThese are the pills for my heebee jeebeeâsâ
â An adorable 90 year old woman describing her anxiety medication
*accurately describing
Feel good about your style now while you can cause eventually our kids are gonna make us all feel lame.
Just a reminder, but you do not need to âearnâ being tired.
Youâre allowed to be tired, even if you havenât âdoneâ anything and youâre allowed to be tired even if you did less than someone else.
Being tired is a normal thing your body does for a whole plethora of reasons, and is a basic bodily function. You donât need to âearnâ basic bodily functions, no matter what anyone else tells you.

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Itâs not so much âDepressionâ as it is âThere Is Something Very Dark Right Behind Me Again Isnât Thereâ
I know I have shared this here many times before, but this is for those who needed to be reminded of this today. This is for the one watching a door close in her life as sheâs reading this, and sheâs not sure what sheâs going to do with it. This is for the one experience that feeling of loneliness that seemed to creep out of everywhere. This is for one dealing with those moments of rejection or disapproval from people you love all over again. This is for you: â Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. - Deuteronomy 31:6 â When you take a step forward and then two steps back, God goes with you. When you start thinking about past years of heartbreak and disappointment in your mind, God goes with you there too. When youâre commuting to that doctorâs appointment or job interview or that small group that youâve never been to before, God goes with you. He goes with you when youâre starting your business. He goes with you when you go into full time ministry. He goes with you into your next semester of highschool, college, or grad school. He goes with you in marriage, having children, moving to a different city, changing careersâwherever you go, He goes with you, and thatâs what sustains you. Thatâs what allows you to be strong and courageous no matter what storms come your way. This is what keeps you from being in constant fear over who or what might come at you. â So hold onto His words. Read through the Bible and highlight and memorize the passages that stand out to you. That is God speaking to you, and reminded you that even though everyone doesnât believe in your or support you, He goes with you, and thatâs what sustains you. â Written by @morganhnichols for #TheDevoCo
she who controls the frogs controls it all
At first I was like hmmmmmm but THEN
One day you will look at me and see an empty shell of the person you once loved. When my spirit breaks and all those things I swore against come back to haunt the home weâve made together, I will let them all inside, I will make them comfortable, make them feel welcome. Iâve tried for years to exorcise myself but Iâm afraid Iâm running out of fight. Iâm all tapped out, Iâm all bark and no bite. One day you will hate my little quirks, the same ones you once found so charming, like sometimes needing a reminder that people need to eat to stay alive. Youâll see me wither like the flowers near the end of fall, youâll wonder if I ever even cared at all about those nights you held my fractured pieces together with your bare hands trying hard to make a whole. Iâm afraid there is nothing left, Iâm only ruins made of broken stone. One day you will know all my secrets and my stories, youâll know all of my jokes, youâll finish my sentences just to make it stop. And when the silence creeps into our blood while we sleep, you will dream of something different, someone better, someone with more strength in their spine, someone with more fire in their veins. Iâm afraid that I am mostly ash and dust, Iâm after the forest fire, Iâm the smoke that evaporates after the flame. One day you will know the truth, That you are the love of my life, But I am not the love of yours.
PARANOIA: I Already Know How This Story Ends, Heather Elise (via maelstromhead)
Donât look frightened, donât look at your feet. Donât stop, donât make eye contact with anyone. I wonder how long it would take me to find my knife in my purse. Why didnât I put it in my pocket? Wrap your fingers around your keys. Hold on tight. Donât make too much noise. Be silent. My mother always told me to walk quickly and with intention. The number one place women are attacked or abducted is grocery store parking lots. I wonder if I look as afraid as I feel, and I hope I do not. Number two is office parking garages. I hope that I am capable of making myself feel powerful. I have been trying hard to cultivate strength. Number three is public restrooms. I hope that one day this paranoia might become unnecessary. I hope that one night I can walk alone and feel like I am free. My mother was not attacked by a stranger, but by someone she knew and loved very much. Maybe Iâm just holding grudges, but I donât think I will ever see a man walking toward me in the dark and not think DANGER. Maybe Iâm just naive, but I donât think I will ever stop asking how this is fair. Maybe Iâm just tired. Maybe Iâm just fucking furious. Maybe I am clenching my fists because they are my only weapons, maybe it is not just a coping mechanism anymore.
Things I Am Thinking About While I Walk To My Car At Night After Work, Heather Elise
I wrote this awhile ago but it seems relevant now.
Me too.
(via maelstromhead)

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MBTI: reasons to live
Okay so this is a bit more serious than my usual posts which are literally about memes and procrastination, but I thought it would be sorta nice to give each type a reason why they should stay alive. These sorts of things are important :)
INFP: there are so many books left for you to read
INFJ: you see things differently and the world needs people like that
INTP: live for that discovery youâll make a decade from now
INTJ: you havenât truly left your mark yet
ENFP: there are animals who need you
ENFJ: who will campaign for change without you?
ENTP: youâre gonna do something big, just wait
ENTJ: you are the one thing holding some groups/organisations together
ISTP: you havenât visited every continent yet
ISTJ: the world needs your innovation
ISFP: thereâs so many beautiful things you havenât seen
ISFJ: trust me, your friends need you
ESFP: you brighten up the lives of everyone you meet
ESFJ: one day, youâll be so in love that youâll be glad youâre alive
ESTP: there are so many experiences left for you to feel
ESTJ: you may not know it, but people are relying on you
reasons to stay alive
1. discovering yourself (you are worth discovering) 2. how silly people get when theyâre sleepy 3. sitting in hammocks 4. long hugs 5. going to the zoo 6. carving pumpkins 7. cute baby animals 8. kissing in the rain 9. singing 10. the smell of baking cookies 11. picnics 12. warm blankets when itâs cold 13. you are so loved 14. octobers 15. staying up all night and sleeping in 16. water balloon fights 17. making babies smile 18. movie marathons 19. foreign cities, languages, people & foods 20. those âthis never leaves the roomâ moments 21. rainbows 22. you will be missed 23. drinking hot chocolate/coffee/tea 24. binge-watching a series 25. slow dances 26. you are never alone 27. meeting new people 28. traveling 29. watermelon in the summer 30. sunsets 31. naps 32. road trips 33. finally understanding what something means 34. late night phone calls 35. listening to rainstorms 36. cuddling 37. climbing trees 38. going for walks 39. doing crazy things with your best friends 40. getting married some day 41. kind comments from others 42. tears of joy 43. drawing 44. cartoons 45. laughing really hard 46. making other people happy 47. sleeping in 48. doing things that would make your parents angry if they knew 49. jumping in puddles 50. getting lost 51. flowers 52. you are needed 53. fireflies 54. undiscovered forests 55. art 56. really good books 57. finding love of all kinds 58. jumping really high on a trampoline 59. hugging 60. full moons 61. crunchy leaves 62. see yourself recover 63. concerts 64. stargazing 65. kisses 66. secrets and promises 67. autumn leaves 68. knowing all of the lyrics to a song 69. orgasms 70. the smell after rain 71. getting handwritten letters in the mail 72. halloween 73. clean sheets 74. the first snow of the winter 75. petting puppies 76. city lights 77. late night walks 78. building forts 79. smiling in the middle of a kiss 80. people care about you 81. you are important 82. bonfires 83. thunder storms 84. having kids if you want 85. getting hickies 86. sunrises 87. when a baby holds on to one of your fingers with its whole hand 88. going to comic con 89. kind strangers 90. bowties 91. tree houses 92. music 93. solo dance parties in your room 94. new video games 95. long drives 96. being awake when everyone else is asleep 97. eye sex 98. smiling at strangers 99. onesies 100. you could save someoneâs life 101. the sky and itâs pretty colours 102. suspenders 103. walks on the beach 104. sitting on rooftops 105. paint fights 106. there will be a time youâll see that youâre glad you didnât do it 107. pillow fights 108. lying on grass and watching clouds 109. you matter 110. watching fireworks 111. graduating 112. snow cones 113. bay windows 114. silence that isnât awkward 115. messy hair 116. warm showers 117. when you start smiling and canât stop
Reasons to stay alive
Mr. Left
I met a guy a long time ago Messed up jacket, dark hair. He was angry. I could fix that. But his name was Mr. Left. Saw another guy one time, His hair was dark too. I heard his voice and then I knew This was Mr. Left as well. Found a guy the other day, Dark hair much longer now. Looked different at first, But I saw his signature. Still him. Still Left. Left wondering if it's the dark hair Or the flaws That bring me back every time. Left wondering if I will ever find Mr. Right instead.
It annoys me that the whole âwage gap is a mythâ meme hasnât died yet.
1. Explaining the wage gap doesnât erase the wage gap
The argument is that if you control for the factors which cause the wage gap, the wage gap doesnât exist. However, explaining the causes of a problem doesnât mean the problem doesnât exist. Itâs such a strange phenomenon that so many people are fooled by such a simple fallacy. Itâs as if everybody could be convinced that climate change doesnât exist because someone once said, âItâs caused by cow flatulence.â
A relationship canât be claimed to be spurious, or a âmyth,â just because antecedent variables exist. In order to prove the wage gap a âmythâ, you would have to show that those variables are confounding (obscuring) variables and not intervening (explanatory) variables. For example, rich people live longer, which is explained by rich people having more access to medical care, an intervening variable. But concluding that access to medical care explains why rich people live longer does not mean that rich people living longer than poor people is a âmyth.â
Wage gap denialists ignore this, essentially arguing, âIf you control for tobacco use, sun exposure, STI exposure, diet and physical activity, bacon consumption, exposure to pollution, and every other known carcinogen, then cancer doesnât exist.â Or, âIf you control for date of birth and time elapsed since date of birth, then weâre the same age.â
I begin with this point because it seems that every intrepid Internet userâs attempt to âdebunkâ the wage gap is actually admitting the wage gap does exist, then arguing why they just donât like facing that fact.
2. Even when controlling for every known intervening variable, there is still a wage gap
Even after controlling for all variables known to affect earnings, there is still a wage gap of between 5% and 6.6%. Accounting for these variables explains only about 60% of the wage gap in the US. In Australia, these factors only account for about 40% of the gap.
Again, the 5-7 cent gap is not a gap in earnings: itâs a normalized gap that controls for differences in occupation, hours worked, etc. In fact, if you break it down even further and compare the normalized gap within each individual job field, women still face a disadvantage in every field of occupation.
Physicians are a good example. Among 800 physicians who received a highly competitive early career research grant, women earned an average of $12,194 less than men each year, when all other factors remained the same. The study even controlled for part time work and across subspecialities.
A study of Australian managers found that female managers made 25% less than male managers, and that 70-90% of the difference couldnât be explained by any known wage-determining variable.
To add insult to injury, even in job fields where women dominate, men are paid more for the same roles. For instance, even after controlling for a large number of demographic and labor market variables, men in nursing outearned women by nearly $7,700 per year in outpatient settings and nearly $3,900 in hospitals in the US.
Men in female-dominated fields arenât marginalized at all; they get special treatment, are fast-tracked to the top, and receive preferential hiring (often by other men who were also fast-tracked to the top).
3. Wage gap denialists use crap sources to support their claims
One of the primary sources wage gap denialists use to support their points, and the article that started the whole âwage gap is a mythâ fad, is the 2007/2009 CONSAD report. They believe that since the report was issued by the US Department of Labor, it cannot be wrong. CONSAD is a conservative think tank that also pioneered âclimate change is a myth,â using many of the same methods they used to claim âthe wage gap is a myth.â Itâs not surprising that the Bush administration chose this group to publish a report on the wage gap.
Whatâs disappointing-but-not-surprising is that the report makes the claim that the wage gap doesnât exist despite its own data contradicting its claim. If you read the CONSAD report, it explicitly states that even when accounting for intervening variables, there is still a wage gap. The conclusion simply argues, âThe gap is 60% smaller, so itâs like it doesnât exist.â
The report also doesnât prove why we shouldnât count that 60%. It implies, like many denialists after it, that things like job position and hours worked are down to âwomenâs choices,â ignoring the fact that that these are the very methods by which gender discrimination causes the wage gap.
The conclusion to the CONSAD report claims that discrimination is not a major factor behind the wage gap, but its own data says otherwise. The person who wrote the conclusion weaseled their way out of accurately summarizing the studyâs findings by saying that the residual pay differences âcould beâ caused by any number of factors. But they didnât investigate what those other factors were. Thus, the conclusion that it canât be discrimination is not supported by any evidence.
The CONSAD report also had other major flaws, such as including part-time workers when almost every other study looks at full-time work only. For these and other reasons, the CONSAD report is considered one of the most flawed and least reputable studies on the wage gap. But its deeply flawed conclusions have become extremely popular with people who love feminist-bashing and hate thinking.
In a twist, the Department of Labor published a document in 2012 called âMyth Busting The Wage Gapâ that explains why there is still a wage gap and why the CONSAD reportâs excuses are meaningless.
Thereâs a number of other crap sources wage gap denialists rely on. Christina Hoff Sommers, Cathy Young, and other âequity feministsâ are common. These talking heads are usually employed by conservative think tanks that also oppose workersâ rights and raising the minimum wage. If you want to keep all wages down, itâs not surprising that youâd also want to keep womenâs wages down. These videos and opinion pieces usually rely on the fallacy we discussed in the first point: âIf you explain for everything that causes the wage gap, then the wage gap doesnât exist.â
The American Enterprise Institute, Breitbart, the Washington Times, the Washington Examiner, and âPraeger Universityâ are also crap sources that will get you an F on a college paper. This popular video from the Institute for Humane Studies is literally Koch propaganda, but that doesnât seem to matter to heels-dug-in denialists. Another popular article Iâve seen was written by a âSocial Media Consultantâ who probably has no experience in sociology or statistics and uses data compiled by a credit score website. No matter how shitty the article, if it agrees with their worldview, it must be true.
Itâs almost as if this is a contentious political issue and you have a lot of conservatives with an invested interest in muddying the details.
Many other popular wage gap denialist sources wilfully misrepresent the studies they cite. Here is an article from Smithsonian Magazine titled âFemale Computer Scientists Make the Same Salary as Their Male Counterparts.â Here is the study the author of the Smithsonian article cites/misrepresents. The study utilizes regression analysis on observable traits. It found women earn 6.6% less in the entire sample after controlling for occupation, qualifications, field, and other common wage-determining variables. It is statistically significant and unexplained. The tech job wage gap is non-significant only for those one year out of college, and does not control for qualifications.
Thereâs more (a LOT more) under the cut.
Keep reading
PSA: The wage gap isnât real
So fun fact! Depending on your sources, the wage gap varies, but it really isnât the fundamental issue when we are looking at pay inequality in the US.Â
There are many other factors that come into play when talking about PAY GAPS: Women have less success in gaining promotions than their male counter parts (and other Glass Ceiling effects), women are dissuaded from higher paying fields (such as STEM fields) through institutional hostility, women are expected to take unpaid maternity leave for child care when men are not (regardless of whether or not they will), women are less successful at salary negotiations and are sometimes even penalized by employers for trying at MUCH higher rates than men, work that is traditionally female dominated being undervalued on a cultural level (women might be cooks, but not chefs; nurses, not doctors; etc.), when women begin to work in traditionally male fields in higher numbers the pay for those fields drop, and men in traditionally female fields tend to be promoted more quickly and get paid more, and a myriad of others.
We know, for example Women need an additional degree in order to make as much as men with a lower degree over the course of a lifetime.A woman would need a doctoral degree, for instance, to earn the same as a man with a bachelorâs degree, and a man with a high school education would earn approximately the same amount as a woman with a bachelorâs degree.
The fact is that women, on average, DO make less than men, and the issue isnât always direct illegal wage imbalance. The issues are often far more wide reaching and speak to a cultural misogyny that has to be confronted beyond just legislation.
I mentioned maternity leave earlier. (Did you know that the US is one of the only âindustrialized countriesâ in the world to NOT have guaranteed paid parental leave? yeah. Thatâs fucked up.) The entire notion that women, more so than men, are expected to take off time from work for family is one of those cultural aspects of inequality that I mentioned.
And all this discussion fails to take into account things like disability, trans people, sexuality, and race, which makes all of these issues even more extreme and complicated.
This is a really good article to read for more information:
Explaining the Wage Gap
This is my shit!
fandomsandfeminism talked about several of the major contributors to the wage gap, including:
1. Discrimination in promotions
Women are typically overqualified compared to their male counterparts, are promoted less frequently, and are passed over for promotions when they have the same experiences and qualifications as men. For example, white male professors who do the least service and mentoring get promoted the fastest. Female managers are also held to stricter standards for promotion than men. Women with more than a high school education do not leave jobs more frequently than men, and female managers even have slightly lower turnover than male managers.
2. Dissuasion from higher paying fields
Millennial men are less open to accepting women engineers than older men are. Only 41% of millennial men are comfortable with women engineers, compared to 65% of men 65 or older. Women get burned out working in the tech industry because they are underpaid, undervalued, and underappreciated in their Millennial male-dominated fields.
3. Structural disadvantage
Paid family leave is not mandated in the US, but women are more likely to return to work after having a baby when they have paid family leave, and men who take paternity leave spend more time on child care later.
Investing in a universal, free childcare system, in which workers are paid a decent wage, would create 1.65 million jobs and reduce the gender pay gap. Most of the investment would be recouped through increased tax revenues and lower welfare spending. In Canada, womenâs participation in the workforce increased substantially above trend levels when marginal taxes and the net costs of child care were reduced.
4. Penalties for negotiating
Both men and women are more likely to rate women as âless niceâ and are less interested in working with them if they ask for more money. Women are aware of how theyâll be viewed if they ask for more money, and therefore donât ask. Women ask for much more money if theyâre negotiating for someone else because they donât have to fear appearing selfish and greedy. Employers outright lie to women more often during negotiations. Furthermore, a recent study in Australia found women ask for pay raises at the same rate as men but receive them less. 19% of women vs. 33% of men got raises when they asked.
5. The devaluing of work associated with women
People view menâs and womenâs work differently. There is a tipping point at which men flee an occupation, and in the absence of perfect information, workers take the percentage of female employees as a proxy for an occupationâs prestige. When teaching in the US became female-dominated, the pay decreased. When programming in the US became male-dominated, the pay increased. Doctors save lives and go to school for many years no matter where you are in the world. But in Russia, they are paid the same wages as secretaries, making about 12,000 US dollars a year. A study of Census data from 1950 to 2000 found that when women enter an occupation in large numbers, that job begins to pay less, even after controlling for a range of factors like skill, race, geography, and occupational crowding.
Menâs low-wage jobs demand far less in terms of skill, education, and certifications than womenâs low-wage jobs, yet the male-dominated ones usually have higher hourly pay. Janitors, who are mostly men, make 22 percent more money than maids and housecleaners, who are mostly women, despite the jobs requiring identical skills.
6. Special treatment for men in female-dominated fields
Even in even in job fields where women dominate, men are paid more for the same roles. Men in nursing outearn women by nearly $7,700 per year in outpatient settings and nearly $3,900 in hospitals in the US after controlling for a large number of variables. Men in female-dominated fields arenât marginalized at all; they get special treatment, are fast-tracked to the top, and receive preferential hiring (often by other men who were also fast-tracked to the top).
7. Disabled people, trans people, gay people, and people of color also see wage gaps with their more privileged counterparts
There are many other important reasons for the wage gap, including:
8. Pay secrecy
You canât demand higher pay if you donât know youâre being underpaid. In the 11 US states where pay secrecy is unlawful, the gender wage gap is smaller. In government jobs, where pay transparency is required, the gender pay gap has shrunk to just 11-13 percent. Unionized workers, who also require pay transparency, have a wage gap of 9 percent.
9. Womenâs unpaid labor
Women tend to put in fewer hours of paid work than men, but when unpaid work is added to the equation, women all over the world tend to work slightly more hours per day, per week, and per year than men. Women in the US proportionately still perform much more housework and childcare, such as managing childrenâs schedules and activities, taking care of sick children, and doing chores, than men. Men still perform only half the housework and childcare that women do. This doesnât look like it will change soon: Fewer than half of Millennial women believed theyâll handle most of the child care, but two-thirds of their male peers believe their wives will do so. When the time women spend on unpaid work shrinks to three hours a day from five hours, their labor force participation increases 20 percent.
10. Long hours != greater contribution to company
The worth of work should be evaluated by productivity rather than time. Long hours backfire for people and companies. Managers canât tell the difference between those who worked an 80-hour week and those who pretend to. Pharmacists have one of the smallest wage gaps because the pay is measured by productivity rather than time.
Even in workplaces that offer flexibility, however, women have reported penalties for taking advantage of flexible work options, such as loss of responsibility or longer hours than promised. Flexible work hours will work only if that attitude changes.
The point that âmen earn more because they put in more hours at the companyâ is untrue anyway. The wage gap between women and men remains steady whether we compare employees working 40 hours a week, 41-44 hours a week, 45-49 hours a week, or  50+ hours a week.
11. Motherhood penalty
Women earn 10% less for each child they have, while men earn 6% more for each child they have. Mothers face a lot of stereotypes at work: they get competency ratings 10% lower than other women, and theyâre also called back half as often as fathers for jobs. To the contrary, studies have found that moms are more productive workers. The thought-leadership industrial complex has even called having kids a âproductivity hack.â
12. Implicit bias
Even after controlling for all variables known to affect earnings, there is still a wage gap of about 6.6% in the US. Accounting for these variables explains only about 60% of the wage gap in the US. In Australia, these factors only account for about 40% of the gap.
There are almost innumerable examples demonstrating implicit gender bias. Resumes with womenâs names are given 12% lower starting salaries than the exact same resumes with menâs names. Employers are more likely to hire a male job applicant than a female job applicant with an identical record. Employers reported that the male job applicant had done adequate teaching, research, and service experience compared to the female job applicant with an identical record. If there is only one woman in a pool of candidates, her chances of being hired are statistically zero. Mentoring does not provide the same career benefits to women as men and that women are âchampionedâ less often by senior management for promotions and raises.
Luckily, people can overcome their unconscious biases. Employers for university STEM faculty were 6.3 times more likely to make an offer to a woman candidate when the employers had been presented with an intervention, including discussion of implicit bias. Sadly, women who bring up concerns about diversity in the workplace receive worse evaluations from their bosses than men who bring up the same concerns.
13. Just blatant sexism
Married men with stay-at-home wives are significantly more likely to view women in their workplace unfavorably, are much less likely to take jobs at companies with female board members, and pass over female co-workers for promotions.
Three-quarters of Millennial women anticipate that their careers will be at least as important as their partners, while half the men in their generation expect that their own careers will take priority.
Women are not as respected as men in leadership roles, especially by the men over whom they have a leadership role. Women in leadership positions receive less favorable evaluations because they are perceived to be violating gender norms. Male students systematically overestimate the knowledge of the men in their classes in comparison with the women despite clear evidence of womenâs superior class performance.
Millennial men are less open to accepting women leaders than older men are. Only 41% of millennial men are comfortable with women engineers, compared to 65% of men 65 or older. Likewise, only 43% of millennial men are comfortable with women being U.S. senators, compared to 64% of Americans overall. The numbers were 39% versus 61% for women being CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, and 35% versus 57% for president of the United States.
There are many proven ways to reduce the gender wage gap, including:
Mandate paid family leave.
Invest in universal, free childcare, or at least invest in reducing marginal taxes and the net cost of childcare.
Confront implicit bias through training and intervention.
Raise the minimum wage.
Mandate pay transparency.
Prohibit employers from inquiring into prospective employeesâ wage histories.
Create more flexibility for jobs by valuing productivity over contact hours.
Remind workers of their rights.
Perform your fair share of unpaid labor.
Change cultural norms so it is more acceptable for moms to work and dads to take care of children.
Support womenâs ideas in your workplace. When a female colleagueâs point is ignored, pile on and emphasize the point, making sure you acknowledge that it was her idea. When a qualified female colleague is consistently passed over for a promotion, ask your boss to promote her.
But we canât get any of these done because these idiots are out here plugging their ears and saying âthe wage gap isnât real.â. If you need more convincing of why you should help the gender pay gap, please read this post.

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itâs not about that i know how to do laundry. itâs that when i was four i knew how to fold clothes; small hands working alongside my mother, while my older brother sat and played with his toys. itâs that i know what kind of detergent works but my father guesses. itâs that in my freshman year of college i had a line of boys who needed me to show them how to use the machine. itâs that the first door they knocked on belonged to me. itâs that they expected me to know.
itâs not that i know how to cook. itâs that the biggest christmas present i got was a little plastic kitchenette i never used except to climb on. itâs that my brother used it more, his hands ghosting over pink buttons and yellow dials. itâs that when my work needs cake for a birthday, they turn to me. i get it from costco. i donât even like cooking. a boy burns popcorn in the dorm microwave and laughs. a week later, i do the same thing, and he snorts at me, âjust crossed you off my wife list.â itâs that i had heard something like this so many times before that i laughed, too.
itâs not that i donât love being feminine. itâs that i came home with bruises from trying to be a trick rider on my bike and heard the word âtomboy,â felt my little mouth say, âbut iâm not a boy, iâm a girlâ. itâs that they laughed. itâs that until i was sitting in my pretty dress and smiling with a big pretty smile and blinking my big pretty eyes, i wasnât given back the title âgirlâ. itâs that until i wore makeup and styled my hair i was bullied; itâs that when i donât wear makeup iâm a slob, that my mental health diagnosis hangs on the hook of being dressed up. itâs that my therapist sees me returning to bright red lipstick and tells me i am looking happier and i have to explain that i am more sad than i have ever been. itâs that i dress myself in as many layers as i can every time i ride a train because itâs better to be laughed at than harassed.Â
itâs not that i know how to clean, itâs that my brotherâs chores were outside where i wanted to be, and mine were inside. itâs that i would have weeded the garden better than he did if they had just let me. itâs that i am put in charge of fixing otherâs messes, expected to comply without complaint.
itâs not that i canât open the jar. itâs that you ask my brother first every time. itâs that i am pushed into docile positions, trained to believe that my body when itâs strong and healthy is ugly, trained into being less, weaker. itâs that the jar is also science, is also engineering, is also every job, every opportunity. itâs that you laugh faster when he tells a joke, that you take him seriously but wave off me, that when he raises his voice heâs assertive but when i do iâm hysterical. the jar is getting into a car with a stranger as a driver and wondering if this is our last ride. the jar is knowing that if something happens to us, itâs our fault.Â
itâs that iâm weak and i donât know if itâs because i just am or i was trained to be. itâs that we need to sit pretty with our pretty smiles and our pretty words trapped pretty and silent in our throats, our hands restless but pretty when idle, our bodies vessels for nothing but a future white dress. itâs that we are taught someone else needs to open the jar for us.
hereâs the secret: run metal lids under hot water, theyâll expand faster than the glass theyâre around. hereâs the secret: when you keep us under hot water, we do more than boil. we expand over our edges. and we learn how to open our mouths, our claws, our screams hanging in kites over cities. just give me a chance. give me a chance when i am four when i am seven when i am twenty-three. i promise i can be amazing. give me the jar. iâll show you something.
finding love
When I text someone goodnight and my phone autocorrects to âgoodnight loveâ and I get so angry because Iâm tired of waiting and being the good girl and doing things right most of the time and rules suck because they show me that everything I want now is wrong and all I wanted at first was a mutual happiness that doesnât apparently exist for me and Iâm so tired of âyouâre still youngâ like no I realize itâs overdramatic but I feel like Iâm wasting away as a person and I donât have time and I am forever being taught to go out and seize what I want and this is one thing I cannot seize for it slips through my fingers like sand every time and itâs beautiful so I do it again but terrible so please donât make me go back and I am becoming determined to fail