VIBRANT BLACKNESS

I don’t really feel like I have a big life lesson or theme from this week. It’s been a good week tho, school is out for another week so I’m enjoying the break :)

I booked a few more tattoos than usual to fill my week and got to catch up on my very behind bolo tie orders.

I also got to work the Wallflower Market at Lawless Brewery in NOHO for their JAWS night! that was so incredibly fun. The last time we worked their market at Paperback, it was kinda slow so I was fully expecting this market to be chill and more so just to hang out for the vibes. It ended up being really busy and I didn’t get to eat or take any breaks all day 😅 oh and my friend Gabby had a booth right next to me too! 2 tattooers and we were both slammed! It was really fun to get to see friends and make new ones, I am hoping to keep doing markets, it’s a really fun way for me to tattoo with little pressure since they’re not crazy intricate designs.

It’s funny how this is what I wanted last year, more involvement outside of the shop. It took a while to get in the swing of it and it feels kinda silly to have it go well now when I’m practically on my way out of tattooing… full time anyways. I’ll never fully stop, but maybe markets and such could be a fun way to keep tattooing in a low pressure sort of way with a lot less commitment than it takes to be with a shop, even in a part time capacity.

Every weekend has been something fun with tattooing, 3 weeks ago it was the OC tattoo festival, then it was bug flash day, and then it was the market. It’s really been fun to have tattooing be different these past few weekends, and not just the same old shop bubble. It’s been really nice to stay in love with tattooing when I’m out of the environment that’s kept me in a wierd place these last few years.

I also got to see some of my best friends this weekend! Maya and I went to a watch party for the WPBL inaugural game, that was fun! Nicole came to meet us and have some drinks and watch the games too. After that we met with Joel and Jen to have some drinks before going to the OC fair to celebrate Joel’s bday. Juniva and Michael met with us and we had a gay ol time! We got to ride my favorite ride and stumble around the fun house. We went to Tin Lizzy after and saw Joel get kidnapped by a cute twink in their messy 20’s.

I’ve been really locked in with school and work and mainly saving money. I know when I actually start doing my apprenticeship with the union, I’ll be taking a pay cut , so I’ve been focusing on building my nest egg all year. It’s been a really long time since I’ve managed to save 5 figures , but it feels really good to have something to dip into when things come up and not freak out about putting ANOTHER big thing on the credit card. Idk what other people’s money habits are, but it’s been a hard one for me. I love spending money. I love having a good time and saying “YOLO money comes back!” It’s true and I still feel this way, but it feels more like now instead of spending money every single weekend as I have it, now I can book higher budget things just less frequently. I like the system.

I learned about BUG FEST and BUG WORLD in Utah going on next weekend, and because I’ve been better about money this year, I was able to book a whole trip with flights, hotel and a car without really putting a big dent in my savings.

It feels really wierd to be in such a transitional phase of life. I always wish it was just done and we could just teleport to the other side in the future when everything is settled.

Maybe one day I’ll miss these days. But man my weeks are so long. School full time - truly 7 hours a day. And then the shop , not just as an artist with my own clientele to take care of, but as a shop owner, with 7 other artists needs to consider. Along with the facilities needs to consider. They are long days when I have work and school. Leaving the house at 7 AM and getting home around 11 PM.

This isn’t even counting my side projects - my bolo tie making business. It revenues 2 - 3k / mo and it feels like a part time job in itself. I spend at least 2 hours a day working on that stuff - making the product, listing it, packaging it etc. that money it generates has saved me from big surprise expenses more times than I can count. I needed new tires this week, $600 from that account. It feels like these kinds of things are always popping up so I can’t just leave that money on the table.

My side project that feels like it gets last priority in this pecking order is my physical self. My body and my workout regiments. I am running maybe twice a week if I’m lucky these days 😔 I am really trying to catch up with that, because it gives me a layer of confidence I love having in my life.

I am really glad for therapy finally feeling like it’s helping, it’s really helping me remember that I’m handling a lot. It’s very tempting to feel sorry for myself and be frustrated by everything I’m not accomplishing. But remind myself that I am building towards bigger goals. They take time and I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.

We’re getting really close to my shops lease ending. Me and R are still negotiating selling her my half. I feel tense about this huge change and relieved aswell. The shop has been an incredibly toxic environment for me these last 4 years. While I’m very happy for what was accomplished, it didn’t turn out like I had hoped. I had so many more goals and wanted so much more for the shops growth. But owning in a partnership means lots of compromise and I feel I gave up on it years ago. It doesn’t feel like it’s mine anymore and it stopped feeling that way for years at this point. I’m fulfilling my promises and keeping up with the responsibilities I signed up for, it does make me happy to at least know I always did what I said I would. I followed thru and tried my very very best not to drop the ball. As much invisible labor it takes to run a household, running an operating shop with 8 artists is very similar. I wanted us to have a lot more community involvement, I know we have flash days but those feel more transactional. Since the shop attracts so many people on the fringes, I thought it would be nice to host events or workshops that were more focused on artistic activities like figure drawing workshops or crafting workshops. Sure we could still make some money but the point for that was really to be able to connect with people by having an activity to do and create together. I wanted us to be present for art walks and markets to get our name out there and not just be known in our niche bubble. I wanted to have at least one trip a year with the artists to have time outside of the shop to bond, in a way at that inclusive to everyone so no one feels left out or feels cliquey. I wanted our world to feel bigger. It’s bittersweet to leave but I know I need the push. Something I will look back on and be glad I did. I know it’s holding me back, to be this shell of myself whenever I’m there. I don’t like who I have to be there. With so many people who love to gossip, I’m naturally going to be much quieter and keep most of my opinions to myself. That’s not who I am. When I’m with my friends and people I’m comfortable with, they see a whole other side of me that I feel is the real me. A person who is silly and makes you laugh.

Moving into another world with electrical and school feels like a clean slate. I’ve made my whole class bust out laughing at times. It’s been really validating to see that it’s really the environment that has played this huge part in what I’ve become these last few years. I thought I could compartmentalize it , but it really affected me whether I let it or not.

Now I’m facing my next big decisions , with the WINTER pre apprentice sleepaway program. I’ll have to write more about this later I’m running late to the shop for my appt today. I’ve really loved looking back at my old entries and seeing into my old inner world to remind myself that growth does happen. At the time, my old problems were my whole world. It’s good to remember all the things pass and work themselves out, even if it’s not clear right away. What I’m going through now will pass too, so I’m going to be here to document much more of it.

OC Tadu Fest was really fun, loved seeing friends and getting out of the shop bubble is always refreshing. Loved getting to see my friends win!! 🏆