October 26, 2004, 12:55 A.M.
From: Ymei
Subject: Re: Re:
To: Karen Shepard
Just a quick brief reply…i am happy that you are happy…however, i don’t wish you to want me to be part of your happy family…perhaps that day might come in the future…as for me, i am not a camilla type…you are totally self-reliant with your family…. i have not gone out of my way to be with [Camilla’s granddaughter] this week. — it was camilla who asked me if i could stay over in brooklyn… and having seen camilla with her i do feel that she needs help with the child while [Camilla’s son] is at work; in and around the other arrangements that they have with neighbor friends, day care, etc….moreover, right now i am not involved in any special project in nyc, so i do have the time…
it is a trek for me to get to williamstown, and i am not involved in the academic world in which you are — besides which you have a well established child support network up there, with jim’s parents, student help, etc…in any case, i do believe that it is up to adult children to reach out to parents, and not parents to make the first move….
if this is hard for you to understand, at least you know that this is me/the way i am…granted, according to some chinese students i may not be a ‘conventional/qualified’ grandparent… but i have always been more unconventional than conventional, according to others….
i am so used to nyc that it would be hard for me to sit in williamstown with only ‘family’ to draw my attention… was not brought up that way, and have never lived that way… i think it is the idea of my role that interests you and not really the me that i am….or perhaps it is the ‘mother’ me that you quite often told me abandoned you that you wish to recapture…why can’t you simply accept my interest in another child without feeling that you and yours have been displaced….personality, intellect, and inherent natural chemistry appeal to me more than mere family blood relationships….look at my relationship with eliz, and you can see where it started…
perhaps this will help you understand better where i stand….??
Found May 14, 2025
From a typed, unsent letter found in Tang Yungmei’s files
I don’t want to keep having the same nightmares for the rest of my life, and I dont want you to carry the same pain with you forever.
I know I was the source of much of your anguish during your high school years. This is the side of me that I have to live with: I tend to do what I feel like doing, and I can’t discuss what I do with myself. And, and this is a very big “and”, I do not have, and did not have, a single soul with whom I would or could have discussed any of my personal goings-on. To this day I do not have a “friend” with whom I would discuss what I feel or do. I do not have as you do, a social network of close friends with whom I can diffuse what goes on in my head, let alone my heart.
Do you believe Eliz was right when she said that I’d only be interested in you through childhood?
I knew that you would grow up and out and away from me. By now, you must have seen how unequiped I am for separation.
As you say, one’s past, one’s childhood, one’s growing up is always there to be revived, is always there to be made apparent in one’s current life. There is no “de-experiencing” as it were, there is only “cover-up”. How well we do it, and how well we camouflage what we don’t want to live with in ourselves, is our way of going on with life.
What did I do with you that you didn’t like?
What did I do that you didn’t understand, and would like to know?
What would you have liked me to do that I didn’t do?
What did I do that you did like?
What times do you remember with joy/happiness/closeness/intimacy?
Would you like me to help you in your anguish?
Would you like to help me in my mine?
From The World is an Easier Place Without You by Karen Shepard
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