The Things I’ll Never Say

I am here for people who don't perform perfectly as they recovered from their trauma and abuse.

I am here for people who weren't believed.

I am here for people who went back, who reached out, who were unsure about what was happening to them until they were.

I am here for people who behaved chaotically and uncharacteristically in reaction to their trauma.

I am here for people who screamed, yelled, or hit back.

I am here for people who froze, stayed silent, or couldn't fight back.

I am here for people who couldn't get their stories straight, because their own memories of what happened were so fractured by the trauma.

I am here for people who's boundaries became rigid and impermeable as they tried to create a new sense of safety in their life.

I am here for people who lost all boundaries, who felt unsafe setting any boundaries in the wake of having them violated.

Whatever happened that makes you feel like you were a "bad" survivor, I am here for you.

Never meant for hands that stay,

only for fleeting fingers that trace my skin

only for fingers that slip away.

Maybe I’m a puzzle too difficult,

or with too many pieces to put together.

Or maybe with too many missing pieces,

for someone to want to find them and solve.

Maybe I’m the storm before the calm,

too much, too heavy, too loud

or maybe I am nothing at all,

a silence no one ever misses.

Maybe something is missing in me,

Scars so deep that I might scare love away.

A soul too shattered to be whole,

Too flawed to ask for love to stay.

And maybe, maybe,

Love won’t ever find me.

The cruelty of imagining you spending your days,

With someone by your side,

Hits so hard upon my chest,

Cutting deep inside,

My breathing becomes so erratic,

Admist of my dreams that turn into nightmares,

My sleepless nights make it hard,

For me not to find you there lying by my side,

I can just can't rest easy until I get to feel your hand in mine,

Where I want to have you close to me,

Because I don't want to lose you,

Feeling that I am not enough,

As nothing makes sense if you're not a part of me...

©️fallencalliope