Veyne Emberfall

So, I've been thinking about this a lot lately cause if you haven't seen I'm taking up digital art and well just have a lot of time to think. It's a good time to reflect ya know? I'm also on a never-ending quest to figure out how to teach people shit that was really hard for me to learn and if I can at all get you writing or drawing I want to. Cause I struggled really hard with even trying new things for a long time but doing it more and more has really helped me. We need your art more than ever. Art and community are like the best things humans do and it's amazing when we combine the two.

Okay so despite the fact I wasn't allowed to be bad a things growing up and I was terrified to try new things as a result, I was lucky enough to start writing fanfic back when people...still uh commented on fics directly to the writer and I had a writer friend to share gripes with. So people told me they liked my stuff directly and unfortunately a lot of you have not had that same experience and tbh that sucks when it comes to learning. Like yeah you need constructive criticism but also you need support. You need to be told your strengths over and over and over until you believe it cause 100 people can tell me I'm good at something and I probably won't believe them unless I already agree. (Hey I've worked on it! It used to be 1000)

This fic is good!!!! Like I'm proud of it for what I could do at the time I'm just a much, much better writer now cause I worked at getting better at it for ten years ya know? And I don't need stats now to trust my writing thank fuck but it took hard work to get to that mindset and I had it beaten into my head over and over that I'm a good writer actually and it still took a few years to take and I've had people telling me I'm a good writer the whole 12 years I've been a creative writer. Look at this!

Look at the hits to kudos ratio on this shit vs comments this is my earliest one I have up still. It didn't need to be something special I just put it out there. Having that freedom and constant encouragement to try when I didn't even have tumblr friends back then for this is so so so crucial and it really really really fucking sucks people aren't engaging the way they should be and it's okay to be bummed out by that but ya know different post. Right now you find yourselves in a very discouraging environment for inexperienced or insecure folks and honestly I'm truly truly sorry that fandom is like this now.

Like I'm lucky if I see comparable stats to this now on other peoples' fics (if I care about stats as a Davrooker I will fling myself into the sea so I don't bahaha) and that's only if the pairing is one of the 2-3 super popular ships. Like I don't know that I could have gutted it out and kept going in this environment it was hard enough back then!

Which means it absolutely kills me I can't read and comment more than I do because y'all are at such a disadvantage compared to me in this regard. When you're learning something new this is so important and it's the entire reason for the Writing Challenges coming into being. I need to practice this stuff too so it gives me a chance to do that while also giving people space to try something they might not have and get praised for what they did well in doing so. I don't give a fuck about analyzing your faults you need someone to recognize your strengths first!!!!! Writing is a skill if you don't write you don't get better at writing right? It's also a really hard skill to learn!!!!!!!! It takes a lot of knowledge about a lot of different things and that takes time to develop same as with drawing right? Or any "craft" that's why it's called that.

I also had an epiphany one day when I was still an insecure writer reading through a writing advice book on how to write emotion. I read something (tbh don't remember what it was like 11 years ago) that immediately made me panic like "omg omg omg do I do this have I been the worst writer in the world the whole time cause I didn't know this ?????. Then I read my writing and like"...no I do whatever it is that had me so upset. All the time. I'm good at writing emotions actually it's a strong suit of mine." I then realized I'm probably fine and can just write more to get better and look closer and what was bothering me with my writing and work on it. Even the act of reading that book and choosing to pick it up in the first place wasn't useless and well you can't go wrong reviewing the fundamentals. I was just at the point fundamentals weren't what I needed cause I'd leveled up already in this regard.

For example, tell me how many times you've read or watched something that starts like this first line from Today Could be the Last which was my first serious attempt at a longfic in ten years:

"The screaming spooked the halla. Something howled in response. Sihu whipped her head up and drew her daggers."

The reason so many of us start writing in media res (or in the middle of the action) when we start fics is we know that starting a scene in the middle of the action is cause it's fun for reader to read and writer to write. (At least for me ya know?)

What you might not have realized when you chose to start there is that the decision is not as unconscious as you might have thought in the moment on your end. You probably chose that because you tried starting with exposition and didn't like it or you intuitively grasped starting with the "boring" stuff doesn't serve your needs or just didn't like it when other writers did it. Or you noticed how opening on action gives you any easy hook for your readers cause it creates tension right away and you know enough to do this even if you don't know or remember how you got there. Maybe, what made you write was a clear picture in your head you had to get out and just started there cause it's replaying in your brain. Or you probably know or guessed that first sentences are important and knew to put a lot of focus there if you were going to share with other people. What I'm saying here is just throw it on the page and figure out why after I'm guessing you probably know why you did it the second you think about it.

I have done this and do it all the time I just didn't learn until later what it was called or why it works well on a technical level across multiple mediums. I didn't have the language or understanding I just went with what felt good in the moment.

This is why I pick apart stuff I like and don't like for fun to see what makes it tick cause it's a good time and also learned how to do it in school. That's why it came naturally I just never noticed the connective tissue involved behind it.

At one point I was actually a bad swimmer, photographer, writer, backpacker, all the stuff I'm really good at now. Because I had to be to start at some point right? I wasn't good if you go back far enough I just forgot that like I started swimming on a competitive level from the age of 6 on. I was not a "natural" swimmer actually(I had/have fucking asthma) I just wasn't allowed to quit and also did it for eight years straight so ya I got good. And as confident as I am now I still have bad days or bad pieces I just know more about why that happens and have the experience to talk myself back off the imposter syndrome ledge and a lot of the writers you think of as "good" probably do the same thing.

So, circling back to learning to draw for me, it has in no fucking way been a straight line (heh I'm so gay nothing is ever straight around here). I hate hate hate drawing faces so much cause for the life of me no matter how hard I tried it felt like I was right back where I started and it got so frustrating I had to stop or I'd never have done art again. It made me feel dumb at that was a point of contention I could not get past and didn't know how and it was really frustrating being that frustrated over something so simple. So it actually went like this and I am gonna give you my best breakdown of like actual thought process that's been going on in my head here cause I promise this is all related stick with me hahaha:

Start drawing as a kid. Bad at it. No one cares cause I'm a kid including myself.

Doodle in notebooks. Still don't care that much but damn wish I "could" draw like my friends. Learn cool thing in geometry I do in my notes cause it helps me focus and do it for literal years cause I "can't" draw like my friends but I can do this!

Must get stories out of head.

"Can't" draw whatever is going on up there.

Start writing instead cause it made more sense in the moment. Like when I didn't know how to write dialogue I looked at a book and went "oh like that" it's bad and really was Mass Effect fanfiction but like bad but did in fact write a whole novel thanks to Mass Effect 3 thank you Mass Effect 3 also can we talk for a sec?

Realize I'm a writer and do want to publish some day but still wildly insecure about it and not actually gonna consider that seriously for a while yet.

Eventually take up drawing again. Fuck I still can't draw faces. FUCK HOW DO PEOPLE DRAW FACES. I have been a human being my whole life looking at other human beings what the hell do faces look like actually cause it's not whatever I just drew *tries every method I can find and just want to scream*

Oops next hyperfixation happened or something stop drawing again

DA:I came out and omgggggggggggggg do I wanna write all the things thank you Dorian/Inquisitor this ship made me realize I could be a good writer and people like my writing and they like my oc????

Write like a lot like gave myself carpal tunnel and start actually trying to improve my craft.

Move to the woods. See other people doing art! Know I don't wanna even attempt to draw faces cause I don't want to quit or discourage myself with all my Suck. (Actually valid at the time this is a valid thing to do but the telling myself I suck was a big part of the problem)

Friends keep giving me art and damnit I wanna make them and other people feel like how I did when they made me art what why.

Pick up water colors and ink and sticking with shapes I knew how to do easier like mountains, forests and my doodles I learned in geometry cause at least it makes the piece look interesting and I can hide behind it if I'm not brave that day always been good with colors so I'll play to my strengths. (and even if I'm too tired to paint, the filling in the patterns was soothing at the end of a long day)

Oh you can just do your hobbies for fun huh okay then

Pick up other hobbies like crocheting that have an even lower threshold for me for frustration but learn how to push through it and actually do improve and stick with it through the bad days.

Come back to DA for VG and well partially disabled and bored as fuck and then kinda shocked at the backlash to the game on Reddit so hop over to Tumblr and fucking weird DA fans don't like it either and there's so much vitriol behind it and oh wait nope I remember ten years ago I'm caught up again got it yeah no this makes sense kill me

So I start yelling cause I felt crazy then found other fans with good emotional regulation around media. (Hi I love you and your beautiful brains and souls thank you for being my friends)

ME and DA have always gotten me writing like nothing else ever has so take it up again and having a fucking ball with it cause I finally thought of a good longfic for my new DA OTP Davrin/Sihu

Notice I'm not getting engagement on my fic

Very odd since the last time I wrote for a new game in a fandom was DA:I and Dorian/Inquisitor is a more popular ship than Davrin/Rook but even still it's like weird actually how low it is???? And like I can look at writing from the year before let alone ten years and see it's better now actually by a lot. (If my old fics finally disappear it's cause well yeah I'm fucking way better now and would like to show that off I am vain but like come on I worked hard at writing I get to be I'm claiming this one)

Notice that a lot of people are talking a lot about how low engagement is and I'm not crazy but notice people aren't really taking action about it from what I could see(and then found the people who were thankfully soon after)

Notice people seem to want to write but don't know where to start so I hope me going through it will get more people to try cause like worst case if whatever I put up is bad then they know they can do better right? Like "if I'm cringe enough they'll realize worrying about being cringe is silly cause it's fucking tumblr and I'm 33 and don't give a fuck what kids think is cringe is to be frank I write dragon age fanfiction and I am fucking proud of it this is the best stuff I've ever done and I'm not even close to the good parts yet NO have I told you how it bothers me there's not more disabled werewolves anywhere what gives I'm putting them in this fucking fanfiction no come back here I'm not d-."

Notice how much more polarized everyone is these days in DA and maybe I can help get people creating rather than yelling at each other all the time cause I'm annoyed at myself even and should be doing the same cause I fucking know better and I'm an adult

I also just believe creating more yourself tends to breed empathy for the people who work in the arts and we need that appreciation I think in the age of gen AI and well....yeah

Therapist went: "Oh this fandom stuff sounds really cool! It's great you're writing again. Oh your ADHD ass has picked up another hobby? Great! Do it more! No I'm not going to shame you for liking things Diss what the fuck." (I may be paraphrasing some)

Start doing fan stuff actively and on purpose! I suck at graphics but I know this is because I've never really tried to learn and it's for fun actually and no one is grading me so if I just like try my best no one will care these people are really nice actually and I trust them.

Huh I like making graphics its fun I shall do it more even if I'm *gasp* bad for myself cause I can't afford all the fanart that lives in my head cause writing is awesome but it can't capture everything I want to express all the time. @zennihilation hehehe wait I want you hear too memory lane is fun

Huh. Wait. When I apply some of my prior knowledge to editing graphics I'm actually kinda good at it when I want to be huh...I have been a photographer a long time actually and do know about composition and perspective and editing layers and color theory enough to make a resource for it for people let me try see if I know as much as I think I do. (I DO that was neat)

...wait I kinda get how Davrin's shaped as a silhouette wonder if I can trace it?...Wait wait wait I really love layering backgrounds actually should I do this with humans too? Cause it's so easy to hide mistakes with the right vector and cropping tbh. It looks great on canva what if I actually try it myself???? Huh...I can do more complex stuff and....wait can I draw???? This was hard last time I tried to do it physically but if I try it digitally???? The 3D aspect is making way more sense to me in this werewolf awoo graphic than it ever has.

Hey wait friend who is good at art if I did get a drawing tablet what should I get?

Finally take out the tablet and about a day of trying stuff to get used to it, the pen, and the software I picked....

Can I fucking learn how to draw people? I think I can fucking paint people wait what are you fucking kidding me I can paint people now?????? I didn't know I could do that! No seriously when did I learn how to do this cause it's never worked before and I'm not really trying when did this happen????? What'll happen if I actually try?????? I've been looking at so much DA art this year I have a ton of people I can ask if I need help right????? IS THIS WHAT EVERYONE ELSE HAS BEEN DOING THE WHOLE TIME???????? What else do I know know that I know how to do(yeah btw my poor friends have had to be here for all this in the dm's I'm very dramatic and have way more free time than they do lo siento no hablo ingles)

Because what I have now realized and should not be surprised at this point but somehow still am is all those times I tried and failed to learn to draw faces in a physical medium or really learn to draw properly at all, it did stick. It wasn't ever for nothing. The methods I try did slip in my brain and stay I just didn't have the patience to stick with it and trust the process cause I didn't trust my ability to learn and to be honest I was my own worst enemy in this regard most of my life because I was too scared to even try way too often when stuff got hard. Turns out that treating my ADHD helped me realized why I do so much of what I do and how to work with myself rather than against myself yay!

But through both the just act of living my life, learning knew skills like crocheting and embroidery amongst other things, and telling myself I can learn the thing (like fucking math I finally learned fucking math holy shit I still hate math but not as much) I just need to be more patient, and stumbling on the right fucking medium by sheer chance cause Crow recommended it on a whim REALLY HELPED.

Cause what's been happening since I picked up the tablet and really since I started trying to get better at graphics in general for fandom stuff, I realized that it wasn't so much it didn't stick my brain just needed the right way to connect the dots for me to do it. But for me mechanical skills are something I have no natural aptitude for and I'm impatient as fuck at all times. It's going to take a long time still to get where I want to be but like that's okay cause I know I can.

@cute-ellyna @mythals-whore @biowaredisasterbisexual @hyperions-light @seaglassmelody @serialsforbellara @grimrevolution @mageofquandrix @master-of-the-elements @littlemissgeek8 @postcardsfromheapside @1queasycrow @lgvalenzuela @turnbaseddave @serensama @juniper-and-dragonthorn @woundedsoul12 @davrinsleftpectoral @blackwall-my-tiny-husband @wukodork @the-sparrohawk @i-had-bucky @serstolas @sugar-peanut-cat @potatofantiger @waxlyricalmoon