Ineffable

Bldg

This one’s long overdue, but I guess better late than never. Also, what a way to be back again. Hope I’m not too old for this. Huhu. Anyway, many thanks for tagging @herquiescent​!

Rule: Tag 10 followers you want to get to know better.

Birthday: march 2,1994 Gender: female Relationship Status: in a (happy) relationship Zodiac Sign: pisces (so that explains my recurring mood swings and ‘always nervous state’) Siblings: two sisters and a brother Favorite Colors: red Pet (s): nah. Wake up Times: 7am because work. but on non-working days, some time between ten and eleven am. Love or Lust: love Lemonade or Iced Tea: lemonade Cats or Dogs: i wish i was a dog lover, but i’m scared stiff they might bit my hand off. also, i hate cats!!!   Coke or Pepsi: coke all the way!!! Day or Night: night Text or Call: text because i suck at talking to people, even just thru phone. Met a Celebrity: met a few local celebs (bec previous work) and didn’t give a fuck. Light or Dark Hair: ombre, please!!! Shorter or Taller: taller Chapsticks or Lipsticks: chaps, i guess.   City or Country: ugh, this is hard. i’m choosing both. Last Song You Listened To: i took a pill in ibiza by mike posner (actually playing right now)

Of Unwanted Lighting and Unusual Vice

Innocence

As the days drag us to the future, I become more and more thrilled. What could have possibly changed for the last three hundred and sixty-five days? I’m sure you’ve grown more hair, tanned yourself a little too much, and puffed up your already bulging stomach.

We used to imagine what it’s like to be far from each other. Looking back, I remember worrying because we would not see each other for a week. I’d hate you for not replying on time, which should not be more than five minutes since my last text. I am infuriated by your selfish choice to go off with friends because ‘i don't care if it’s planned aeons ago or if i agreed to it when i was in the mood.’ I’d call you on and off hoping you’d realize I’ve been wanting you to call me, giving hints and waiting if you finally get them. I kept on ranting about the unfairness of it all.  

Now everything’s changed, I guess. I’ll leave a message at half past five in the afternoon, but you’ll thumb in a reply four hours later. I’ll promise to wait for you to come home so we can talk about how the day has gone but I’ll end up sleeping next to my phone flickering because of notifications I have yet to check. Then we’ll fall for our last resort, which is to wait for Friday - your one and only off day, but still a working day for me. But, whatever, at least we’ll manage to catch up each other’s am’s and pm’s.

I started making friends. I have a few candidates I might include in my very short list, but don’t worry you’ll always be my best friend. I never thought I’ll see myself out after work with people I have not known deeply.  And not just that, I’ve managed to linger with them until the mall closes.  Sure, I feel very drained the next day but that’s already an achievement, right?

I learned to cry to my sisters. I used to be very distant to them because what are they if you’re here anyway. You understand me more than anyone else. But now, I realized they understand me just the same. And yes, you were right all along about them.

Monochrome

One lazy afternoon, the idea of removing veryineffable came to mind. It’s already been a year since I actually lie on my stomach and excitedly type down my seemingly boisterous thoughts. I had mini debates with my still eager self if I should persist on sharing my stories or just simply keep everything to myself. For not just one moment, I almost gave this up.

As you well know (or not), I am now working like any other 20-something people. We’re expected to prove ourselves to people who, most of the time, do not even care if we’re dying sick of illness so long as we meet our deadlines. We’re continuously bombarded with “do this” and “do that” that our to-do list always had two or three more items to tick-off. We’re almost never not occupied; or in the very few chances that we are, the horror of work the next day creeps our minds.

“I do not have enough time in my hands,” that’s what I always argue to prove a point. But that doesn’t just end there. I’ll run down a list of crazy deadlines I need to meet, plus add the winning deal breaker “itulog mo na lang and isusulat mo.”

People pushed me to start writing again. And just as many times they encouraged me to do so, I brushed off the idea even more. And then and there, I realized time was not my only nemesis. I’ve been losing all along to myself.

Realizing I haven’t come face-to-face with my laptop, I knew I don’t and won’t be able to write just like how I did when I still believe I can play pretty well with words. Not known to people who try to fire up the scribbler in me, I have been trying to write again. Sometime around 2am, I wake up and plug in my dying laptop hoping words would start kicking in and together form a composition so pleasant to the ears once read out loud. But that never happened. Instead, I vacantly look at the blinking cursor so tired-out because my mind is clouded by the thought “ampanget mo magsulat;” “ang galing nila;” “ija-judge ka lang;” “wag nalang.” And there, I stopped.

Huntahan

Actually checking tumblr for the first time in I don't know how long. Followers turned friends, who used to rant about college are now working. And now, we're ranting about the same things again - how little time we have to gush over a new book; how little time we have to marathon our series; and how little time we have to write down our feelings.