Veronicasstyle

Pointless bandaids:01/02/18

I need space from you. I’m hurting right now. everything still hurts a lot and it’s hard for me. It’s really hard. my heart hurts; like a claustrophobic stuck in an elevator, everything feels like it’s closing in. I feel trapped.

Maybe I’m not in the right state of mind, maybe it’s the wine, maybe if I sleep it out ill end up feeling fine. Maybe I’ll feel better later. I don’t know.

All I know is that i still hurt and that these constant thoughts roam through my mind every single fucking day. I just want to forget or numb this out- but I can’t.

It’s like a semi-fresh wound that you forget about. You seemingly go about your daily life and then you hit it against something so hard that it even tears through the bandaid; and suddenly you’re feeling the pain that you thought was gone. That’s the only thing you can focus on because it hurts so much. You’re looking at the wound and it’s opening up again and all the unwanted blood oozes out and all you can think about is the sharp, burning pain you first felt, all you feel is that same pain, again.

You begin to put pressure on it because maybe if you put a lot of pressure, it just might be stop the pain, but it doesn’t. It stops for a brief moment and you think everything will be okay but then it oozes out again. you’ve made it worse by compressing it and now it’s spilling out and there’s nothing you can do about it. No matter what you do, it’ll never be enough. It’ll never fully heal.

And then you realize that this is how it’s going to be. No matter how much pressure or how many bandaids you put on the wound, it’ll never fully heal. There will always be something that rips through the barrier because that isn’t enough. Your carelessness causes this never ending cycle of pain. Repeating this process is inevitable, the wound will never fully mend because just when you think you’re in the clear, you fuck it up again.