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@ventblog3142
just had the realisation that I literally had no time to relax/rest during my teen years because the times I was doing 'nothing' I was actually on edge listening out for my brother every single second
maybe my body is making up for it now
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I might be about to lose the first of my grandparents and I feel really bad that the worst thing about it is going to be having to see my brother at the funeral
Ive spent the past year and a half trying to drill it into my parents that I refuse to be in the same village as him, let alone the same room. And now its gonna feel like I've been overreacting even though I'm gonna have panic attacks at the funeral (because I have every other time I've seen him since moving out)
my mum got my brother a bday card that says 'best son ever' and its genuinely making me feel ill
especially because she keeps not letting me know he's coming to the house until the day before, when its too late for me to make plans to leave
I knew living in this house again was triggering, but I've had a week of living here alone which was good and then within ten hours of mum and her bf being back I've had three distinct moments of either freeze or flight, as well as noticing one survival habit thing from when I was being abused has returned and I hate it, I hate all of it.
I don't think I'm as sex-repulsed as I thought I was and now I kinda wanna start dating holy fuck.
I genuinely thought I'd be fine never having sex but now I'm just like oh shit I'm in my mid twenties and even if I do decide to start dating/finding someone to have sex with it probably won't be til I'm in my late twenties and I'm aroace and trans and a virgin and fat and that just feels like an impossible combination.
My whole view of my life has changed a little and idk how to feel about that.
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once again angry about the fact that I told a teacher about the abuse 2 years after it started and he did nothing because he 'forgot to make a phone call' and the abuse went on for another 6 years (until I moved out) and just got worse and worse
Looking back, it wasn't even that bad when I told him. Like it was bad, but absolutely nothing in comparison to what it would be. If he'd done his fucking job maybe i wouldn't be so fucked up rn
once again angry about the fact that I told a teacher about the abuse 2 years after it started and he did nothing because he 'forgot to make a phone call' and the abuse went on for another 6 years (until I moved out) and just got worse and worse
I should not be having a panic attack over leaving my phone charger in the kitchen
if I died rn I would outlive all 4 of my grandparents
maybe they're right. maybe my explanations are just excuses. maybe it's my fault I'm failing at everything. I know I'm making everyone's life harder. what's the point
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genuinely can't tell if mum's boyfriend is blaming me for the current thing he's ranting about or just blaming mum and expecting me to agree with him. he was definitely blaming me for the previous thing but I can't tell with this one
if I'd listened to the thoughts last night, I wouldn't have had to deal with this shit today
getting a message that says 'enjoy yourself' and being 80% sure they mean the opposite is fun 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
just remembered I perfected the art of opening a zip silently which is a totally normal thing to do, right?
fighting off the suicidal ideation by offing myself in minecraft over and over again instead
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you ever remember something about your childhood and just go... oh yeah, that is not normal
my partner told me yesterday that they don't think they'll be able to cope with my anxiety as it is right now when we move back in together so that's fun