I Just Am

I’m sad. I think I’m more sad because there was so much I did not know about American culture, about what was happening to me in my home. About what had happened to me long before I knew something had. Just sad that I’ve had so much amnesia. That so many things happened to me.

I’m on my patio listening to the birds. And my next door neighbor is up cleaning or something.

I want a better world for me. I want better people for me. Before I wanted them so my son would have people when this thing killed me. But I want it for me too. I deserve to make friends with people who won’t rape me. Who won’t gossip about me. Who, when I need to speak about things I feel shame about, won’t take it to spread around. I never knew people did that. The more I remember and the more I take notice in the present I see what I gift I was to so many. Yet I didn’t not have gifts myself. I never knew I could get what I have. I just gave it because I knew pain. I felt it. I just didn’t have words or memories to attach what I felt in my body. I knew that when someone came to me and shared things with me that it felt better than what was in my body. The moment to let them out their burdens down. To just be themselves. Bad vibes allowed. Not disrespectful vibes. The sad feelings everyone wanted to get away from. The pain. Grief. Depression. Something else would happen too, after they were able to cry or share they’d breathe. That was my fav part. Seeing them take the first breath I could never. I didn’t even know there was a breath waiting for me. I just knew the weight in their shoulder fell off a bit and that was gift enough.

Maybe I’m like that one villager that’s always somewhere in the mountains that people go to when they want to find themselves. Because the level of intimacy I provide has not yet been understood by the average mind. And they mistake it for interest. For invitation. When someone is kind to you it starts a chemical reaction in your brain. In your reward center and if you don’t understand that part of your brain you won’t understand how chemicals are influencing what you think which influences your actions. You have to give your brain time to regulate. Especially with feel good chemicals. Sometimes I wonder if some guys are stuck there. Where they act on these delusions their brain generates with chemical influences. Then just never apologize or take accountability. True accountability. Understanding someone doesn’t mean they’re forgiven, or apology accepted. Having an explanation for why you did what you did to me helps my body to release the shame and blame you put on it. Then I think some people know and the want you to feel it. It strokes their ego.

I want friends whose special interest is integrity. Is treating people like human beings. In the full context. I want to be able to trust in a way I don’t have to be on guard waiting to be betrayed or set up.