You know what was really rewarding, unlearning what I’d been conditioned to think about love and partnership and creating something that aligned more to what source showed me. I am so fortunate to have had to learn to love all the different identities that were formed in every environment we were traumatized in and out of. To have pushed passed my limiting programming to love all the people my mothers religion taught me condemn. When you have multiple identities inside you, you get to feel how your words and actions affect people like them in real time. There’s no escaping accountability when your being demands it towards yourself. It forced me to change everything that did not harbor love inside me and I’m so fucking glad I did. There’s so much more to do as it took 28 years to develop the programming inside. Something grand happens when the brain becomes more connected than it was from infancy to young adulthood. The prefrontal cortex and other parts of the brain coming online all at once is not for the weak. Muchless when it involves plurality of the brain in relation and connection to the body. When your life has been one battle after the next trying to take away the beautiful light inside you, you will always be left to combat that. It’ll be harder when the people around you convince you it’s your fault. Black sheep ain nun but a person who’s genetic mutation formulated to keep them more connected to truth of the nervous system. The organic matter that we all are. It’s easy to lie to someone who doesn’t know what they are. What it is to be a human being. What it is to have a body. What it is to feel and how those feelings influence behavior and thought. The foundation of raising better humans starts there. With the why of your body. Everything that is wrong about this world and society is that of what abuses and removes one’s right over their body. Everything. It is abnormal. And nature will be forming to correct that in the best way it can. The universe may be billions of years old yet its creations are so vast that they’re still in a state of infancy in many ways. All of this is a part of the process. If we see how our individual actions sends ripples and also understanding and care about it, change will come. Some people, too many need to feel to understand. Some will feel, understand and fear will make them dissociated and be cocooned within while their unchallenged egos run their lives. You’re dealing with walking dead people. Who have buried themselves so deep inside they don’t even know how to get out. I unfortunately didn’t know that pulling all myselves out made my vibration so high that whenever I meet someone that is what will happen. My transparency and my bravery to be curious about my shadows, my transgressions, my hurt I acted upon others, almost wills a person to reveal things to me. When you come across me it’s an opportunity to meet yourself and release the imbalanced shame and guilt and take the accountability that will unlock your greatness. Your gifts. As we all have them. We’ve just been brutalized into smallness by many levels of abuse. It’s also understanding that it isn’t my job to hold space for others. I will do so when the universe sends me to.
As you protect your energy and set strict boundaries while also following your dreams and goals and the things that spark your light, the more you align with the truth of you, the more you set yourself on the path for the connections that operate in that realm of being. You can’t be around everybody. Because most people see themselves when they see you and it makes them see you in a negative light despite your lack of malicious intent. This is how people tell on themselves. My son is as much my mirror as I am others. I’m so thankful for a constant reminder to un fuck myself and become someone that doesn’t see his actions as manipulative or harmful by default. He’s a kid learning and growing based on the information he has access to. That means his friends can bring behaviors around him that they learn from their parents and environments and shaming him isn’t going to help him learn anything. Loving him into change will do more to change his behavior than not because it connects the parts of his brain that reason. Shame outs him in fight or flight where information doesn’t get processed.
Lately with my ptsd and his increasing with these trauma memories, I find myself having a difficult time not reverting to my mother when I see behaviors that are unhealthy in him. He’s just tryna get in with his friends and be likable and included. They’re exposed to more violent video games and struggling with anger management and they’re 10 years old. Having to teach him that he’s always going to be different and not in the same groups because it’s my job to keep him safe. It’s lonely yes, but not forever. I’m going to get my surgery and physical therapy and work to get involved in spaces that are cultivating young men to balance themselves. These will be the moments we both look back on to see how much we’ve grown. Consider NJ all that I am going through, I’m doing a good job not losing my mind or behaving in a way that is worse and more damaging. I know he’s going to have to process different ways I respond when I’m in pain and my capacity to regulate is diminished, but I’ll be there every step of the way with him. Apologizing for how I delivered my message and helping to formulate in him something more loving and regulated for his kids. We do our beat to hold ourselves. It is a mercy that we can do better and will.
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