I Just Am

summer evening, windows open, a light breeze inside my room, freshly washed bedsheets, salted tomatoes on toasted bread, music playing in the background, sunshine dappled floor, wearing my summer perfume. moment of bliss

Even the moon has phases, and so do we. If you’re in your shadow moment, I’ll sit with you until the light returns. You’re still whole, still worthy, still you.

I’ll sit with you until your light returns.

I want to lay with you in the grass, the world singing under the rain. I won't lie in your arms, no, that would eventually hurt you and I don't want that. Only our fingers barely brushing at the tips, as if our hands are having a conversation neither dare interrupt. Rain splashing against our faces and my eyes blinking against it, fighting the rhythm, fluttering open just in time. And there you are, drenched and divine. A single strand of wet black hair clinging to your forehead with casual elegance. A thin stream of rainwater trailing, carving a path down your cheek. Your lips, half parted, glistening with droplets. I want to reach out to you, press my lips to the rain warmed corners of your mouth but that would move those drops away and I want them to stay because you look ethereal, love.

I hate it when my friends talk shit about their former selves. That person was my friend too. That person drove me to my doctor’s appointment. I watched bad movies with that person until we had tears streaming down our faces. We went to concerts, drank beers, gossiped, listened to music, went on road trips, and had sleepovers like teenagers. All my memories of that person are joyful and tender. Don’t talk shit about that person.

Being kind to myself is thanks enough.

this is exactly what my focus was this year. I’ve been doing a pretty good job fr

It matters how you hold others, not so much how long.

The more I’m socializing it’s teaching me my limits. How to help parts understand that we are many, not one. That when they decide to do something they’re pulling from one nervous system, not their own individual one. That means we’ve got to learn to better make decisions keeping a whole picture rather than individual picture. It’s necessary to maintain interpersonal relationships without burning ourselves out or pushing our limits. Wanting to care for others is a beautiful thing, but we are not like everyone else. Our capacity is organized som complexly I find the disconnect to be challenging. Integrating. Dissociative barriers that stop parts from understanding each others existence. It’s nice to be back online with selves , it also shows how debilitating it is to have this disorder. Having to travel through layers of cognition when safety is threatened in some manner. Whether it be in my present or my body taking me to the past. This is good because it shows me where my blind spots are. It’s also showing me that my response to being different is more secure. We aren’t devastated at the possibility of interpersonal relationships ending. That feels good. Usually the spiral would happen and we’d be stuck in teenage parts. Where self esteem was lower or non existent. Something that your community cultivates in development, but without community, in isolation you become stunted. I’ve poured in enough love to myself and education to give my parts tools to navigate this life and know they can, to build up self esteem. Speaking up is still challenging at times, but not as much now that we know we can stand alone. Disability and all. That’s important. Needing help meant conforming to minimization and utilizing people pleasing to keep support. It’s very saddening. But it’s really nice to see we have developed. That we can stand alone despite needing help. Learning safer places to seek help is also important. And I’m proud of my system for having so much against us and still creating a beautiful life for ourselves. Still standing in truth of our being. Your body may not be like mine, but I will love it like it is because it doesn’t hurt any nervous system to be treated with care first time up. Mine requires more due to sensitivity and I will always give it. As I do so I build my son up to. Teaching him by actions and words. When the two do not align, it brings instability and self deprecation. I may go back in time in resolve, but I’ll always come back to who I have built myself to be. I can’t remove what was put into me but I can give it something to run up against. Accountability. Kindness. Integrity. Because what I do affects everyone that cares about me. And I know the cost of that physically. I cannot be perfect but I can do my best to prevent as much unhealthy karmic energy into my orbit. I fight enough of it from the traumas of SA, EA and PA in and out of interpersonal relationships. I am sensitive. I own it. It makes me a better person when the horrors persist to drive me the other route. I’m glad I feel. I just also wish for a break. An ocean. And gills.

people often overlook how much genuine love exists in true friendship.

It’s in the research done for the city you want to visit, the art you do together on FaceTime, the 4 hr conversation sitting on the beach and the time spent sitting at my bedside in the hospital. There’s so much love in friendship. Truly grateful to even experience slivers of it in this lifetime.