18 years of Marriage and she cheats

She claims to be happy to live our normal life, kids , dog and day to day living. I know her time with him was exciting. They both work jobs that are intense. He is a cool pilot who flies her and patients around. They stayed at or had nice hotel rooms/apartments whenever they needed them to be together.. We have just our bed...

Well I have been doing pretty good, wife and I get along real well. We hug and cuddle and spend quality time together. We are happy and I can tell she loves me. She loves our family and seems happy and content but I always wonder and worry does she still think and want him. It was a year ago since they last fucked/made love (whatever I dont know how to classify it) it as 7 months ago since I know she text him telling him how badly she “wanted him in her again”. He just started texting her again as part of a group chat and while she hasnt responded I think its fucked up he puts her in that position to open back up to him. I start to boil right now typing this.  

One of the most damaging results of my wifes affair doesnt even deal with our relationship. It has been my self-esteem. I went from being a person who did not care about money, was happy with my job (low paying teacher salary) and proud of what I did. After the affair came to light I have switched 180 degrees. I am very insecure about my job and embarrassed by how little I make. I am jealous of men driving nice cars. While I have an amazing body (especially for being late 40s) I now look at my dick and constantly think its not enough....

Looking to hear how you are doing.. I am surviving and hoping to be a better man for her or whoever in the future

She is the mother of my kids and an amazing woman. I guess it was a perfect storm in place for her to cheat and she fell into all that went into it. I mean married 18 years somewhere along the way you will meet another person who you have an attraction to and unfortunately for me all the other pieces fell into place so it made it easy for him to fall into her.. Now I have to learn to live and move forward and so does she. 

I always am trying to stay positive as I dont have to try and be negative, that just happens. I have very much re-evaluated my life. I did the divorce diet, even though no divorce. Lost 45# and am very happy with my looks again. I do question my self worth a lot lately, why dont I make more money, etc. But the one thing I will always have is the strength of making it through that first week when I found out about her and him. I didnt sleep or eat, I boiled inside every minute, yet I still went to work and hung out with my kids and some how functioned in this world. 

I wonder if I am right in trying to save this marriage. I know I did a lot wrong and in some ways dont blame her for cheating. The thing that drives me crazy is I know it was as much an emotional affair as it was a sexual. 

I dont know if I should be writing this as all I have been doing the last 7 months is trying to forget it. It has gotten better, much better. So if you are going through the initial shock and getting kicked in the gut feeling it will subside. I still get the shakes sometimes when I picture her and him together in my mind. 

I just want her to want me like she wanted him...