vegan apple pie

so tonight was my first protest. It was at the premiere of The Hobbit. Animals died during the making of the film, so Peta urged people to boycott the movie and protest at the premiere. i'm a little uneasy around crowds but i do it for 1.) celebs i love & 2.) a good cause aka animals. so it being my first protest, i didn't know what to expect. i thought i would hold signs and maybe yell stuff about animals not needing to die for films. I feel i should have prepared myself a little more, as when asked questions i freeze. so people who didn't know about the issue were asking questions. I know about some things, but when people ask me things, i just fill were fear. (i turn into a complete mute or say things i dunno why i say) i don't date for said reasons. i need to find a way to not fill with fear anytime people ask me things, especially if i want to be an actress. i mean i'll have to go on talk shows and such. so i need to find a way to not fill with fear. so that said i learned a lot. so the sign holding was great. held a huge sign for an hour and a half. my arms will hurt in the am, i'm sure. one thing that really struck me was, an actor on the film, Sir Ian Mckellen called me out and tried to explain something to me. He said he worked on the film for 18 months, if something happened, he would know, & he believes it did not. I thought i was gonna cry. i told the event planner Ashley about this later on, as well as some fellow protesters. They all thought that was awesome. So that was a good thing? ok. I still felt bad, like i was doing something wrong. In that 10 seconds he was speaking to me i felt filled with shame. I couldn't say anything because i was so confused. Later Ashley asked if i had said something back. How could i, i went mute. I told her i didn't & she said good for me. So that was good to? So confusing. Whatev. I'm really great writting to people, like online. like i'm super great at that. but in front of people, my god, i fill with such fear. I don't know what it stems from, but i need to fucking get over it already. I hate people, & yet i want to please them so bad. I felt like i was doing a horrible disservice for Peta. i felt i wasn't good enough to protest for them. back to my old thoughts before i started a research study for social anxiety disorder. i guess those pills were working. After all that a young lady, maybe about my age came up to me. She said Thank You to me. She said it's such a hard thing and really appreciated me protesting against the killing of animals for film. At that moment i felt like i was doing a good thing. All my hang ups and inner demons be damned. I'm sticking up for animals. Creatures that have no voice. Creatures that are being killed for no reason. 3 horses died on this film. One was rode off of a cliff. One horse had his legs tied up and was severly injured. Chickens, Goats and Sheep were injuried and killed, some by dogs, some by illness due to negligence. These issues of animal deaths could have been prevented. No animals have to die like this. Ugh it just sickens me. So i remember why i am there. It's not for me, it's for them. All the animals who were injuried or killed. It's for them. I was there tonight for them. 

a couple years ago i tried my hand at this little place called GoModelGo. i thought it was legit because the chick was on Sex and the City. i did some research,  back then there wasn't much info on it. they were fairly new, so i figured i'd go. it was in queens. i think this was the 2nd time i ever went to queens. i get there, a lil late, cause i got a lil lost, soaking wet, cuz it was raining out. everything seemed great, until they got to the money part. of course no way i could afford it. of course it was a scam. i was taught in acting school, don't go somewhere where u have to pay upfront. especially places like this. so this week i'm checking out stuff for acting & i apply to this one place online. i keep getting calls from them, i knew right there that wasn't good. why be that persistent unless u only want my money? i do some research & it's split 50/50. some said good stuff, some said bad. i understand sometimes people will write a bad review because they didn't like the company or was angry at something/some1. i get that. i gotta see it to believe it, u know? so i call them back & make an appointment for that night. why not, right? i wasn't expecting anything from it, just an experience really. so i go to this place OST one source talent. went into a room full of people watching Devil Wear's Prada. i was like sweet, i get 2 watch a movie, fuck yeah. & i LOVE Devil Wear's Prada. They take each person's picture & then meet for a mini interview. the gay guy who interviewed me said he wanted me to come back & asked if i had headshots & a monologue. no headshots right now, but i said i have a monologue i could brush up on. if anything this was a good practice audition. so i go in the next day, no movie, sad :( & i have a more extensive interview & did my monologue. the chick interviewing me says she had to go discuss me w/ her manager or some shit, whatever she said & gave me a paper 2 look out that explains that their services r $40 a month. she came back in & said congratulations, we want to sign you. i ask about the money. she said $40 a month & $500 upfront for photos. in my head i'm like fuck u, i aint no dumb girl. nor do i have money to spend on a scam right now, thanks tho. i mean they have binders full of people, how do i know they actualy represent them, or if they get any work. i went in there thinking it was probably a scam & left thinking it's probably a scam. i could do essentially everything on my own for a hell of a lot less then they want, i just have to push myself. i don't think i'm ready yet for that. i signed up with central casting so i could get extra work, familiarize myself with the industry. work up some money for really good headshots, get backstage, work on myself. i just thought i'd give this a go. so all in all, good experience, practice audition, but i will never ever sign with them. learning more and more everyday. the end. :)

i always try to do laundry in the afternoon on a weekday when people r @ work or out or whatever. i find the laundry room is more open mid-week, so i normally do it like weds or thurs. well last week i had a couple dog waking jobs per day, so my only day off was freakn 4th of july. i was hoping not many people would do laundry on 4th of july, so i figured why not. i go down there it seemed pretty full, 2 machines open. so i was happy i had a machine & put my clothes in. now i time it down to the minute so when my clothes r done, i can put them in the dryer & the same to bring them up. i go down there to put my clothes in the dryer & 2 my surprise my machine says 44mins. it doesn't go up that high, i was confused. my clothing lie in a laundry basket. the guy fuckn took my stuff out B4 it was done & was using my freakn money. i got so angry. i was prepared to stay down there & wait for this fucker to give him a piece of my mind. i talk to my doorman & ask what the highest the washer goes up to. he believed the highest was 33mins 33! i go back to the laundry room & this motherfucker was standing there. "is that your stuff in that machine" "yeah" "um, did you take my clothes out before they were done" "no. i waited 5mins after they were done & put mine in" lies. i timed it dude. no way he could have waited 5mins. no way in hell! i told him about the maximum & he said "if you keep putting the card in, you can" lies. you can only put the card in 1 extra time. no way he could have gotten 44mins. he also said he was in a hurry because it had to get to work. so why would he put the machine on 44mins? so i go back to get my clothes from the dryer & he continues to spout  lies. "you can't even open the machine when it's in the last cycle" i just nod my head & say ok, inside screaming at this sob. so i just did a load of laundry 2day. i timed it again exactly as i had last week. i came down with exactly 1 minute to spare, easily opening the lid to the machine. that fuckn fucked up fucker. pardon my fuck. this guy was using multiple machines on top of that. that in itself pisses me off. if they lived in a house they would have 1washer & 1dryer. the reason we have 6 washers & 6 dryers is because it's a mother fucking apartment complex, not your personal clothing cleaning station. i understand using 2 machines at a time, but when 1 fucking person uses all the fucking machines at 1 time, that is selfish & not cool. not cool. & every1 wonders why i hate people so much. i give so much to people & they fuckn take everything. so i learn things from my experiences, & that is people suck. i know there are good people out there, somewhere, but i'd don't meet those people. i'm a magnet to assholes, i'm convinced.

wasting things is a real pet peeve of mine. i detest seeing people on the streets carrying 2 or more plastic bags. i take canvas bags with me everywhere, & if i can't fit it all in my bag, i carry it. i don't require the same from every1. i just hope that people realize, they hav 1 bag, they don't need another. i mean, i know i'm no saint. i could do a lot more than i do. & i watch a ton of movies/ tv on my laptop. i know i waste 2 i just feel some easy things, every1 could do. recently i got in a fight w/ my roommate, i thought we were wasting to much tp. i didn't understand how we went thru a whole roll in one day. i know i pee a lot, but i use 2 or 3 sqs per tinkle. :p the next day she tried my method, & found she didn't get pee on or fingers like she thought she would. today i woke up & she had 2 lights on in the living room, while she wasn't in there. i turned them off. she came back in & turned them both in. i asked if it was ok 2 only have one light on. she said she needed both. then she said something that kind of ticked me off, but i let it slide. she implied how i should stop telling her how to live. i mean we live together, pay for electricity evenly, whatev. the way she lives, does affect me. i told her i just thought it was too bright in there & that it was earth day. she said she was sorry, she didn't know. when i'm sharing costs on tp, electricity, etc, it's part of how i live 2. i mean i know i'm being selfish, wanting to pay less money, but i also want her to see that a little goes a long way. i just don't want the people i live w/ to be uber wasteful. i mean i live here, i see it going on, i can't help but speak up, right?

i've always wondered why people treat me mean, or act in a manner towards me where i think they don't like me. i used to always think i did something wrong. maybe thats why i always second guess myself. i'm not a very confident person, but i'm an actress, so i try to fake it a lot. i remember in high school people thought i was stuck up because i walk tall. i'm shy. or was shy. or am a little shy, whatever. i've worked on myself A LOT over the years. trying to not hav a shred of the person i used to be. i was picked on, laughed at, made fun of when i was little. i grew up and instead of being picked on, people treat me like i'm a bitch. i think people think i get special treatment. people treat me different or something. they think i'm one of those girls that things just get handed to them, so people r mean to me. well let me let you in on something, i'm not one of those girls, so stop treating me like i took something from you. i don't get special treatment. i work really really hard, & u know what i get, not much. in my experience, most people are hurtful creatures, & once in a blue moon i find a good one. i've grown up practically hating the human race for things people have done to me. i mean i think thats why i really hate kids today, because they were so mean and hurtful to me. i remember when i was little, being very happy & carefree. i dunno what happened, kids i guess, but i remember being very sad, much of a loner. Kindergarten was the only time i was happy, after that i remember not liking people very much. I look so sad in my 1st grade school picture. i had a handful of friends, the good ones, but i remember a lot of kids being mean to me. i never knew why. i think it made me cynical at a young age. I was never very trusting after that. I wanted to be friends with every1, even if they were jerks. Now, not so much. I’d rather just be by myself. i guess i turned to tv & movies. they were my friends. tv & movies are pretty much everything to me. Some1 said recently that they believe most people are good & the bad ones are the exception. Maybe that’s tru & I’m just a horrible person so no one likes me, & every1 treats me like shit. Or I’m just a pushover & people take advantage of me. I’m just saying in my life, I’ve seen people that way. Maybe my childhood experiences hav colored the way I see the world. I’m just too cynical to see the good. The thing is I go into most things, trying to see the good, & just getting disappointed. I keep thinking, if most people are good, then it has to be me. It has to be something I did, something I said. Or maybe I’m just drawn to the crappy people treating me like shit & degrading me. I mean that MUST be it. I wanna believe most people are good, I just haven’t seen the proof. Is it like God, can’t see it, but u know it’s there? Every year I get older, I just seem to dislike people more and more. I’m just supr fucked up n the head. I need therapy. Wish I had the money for it.

a couple yrs ago i fell down the 14th st 6th ave subway steps while it was raining. now i fall all the time. i'm such a klutz. but this time falling down the steps was life changing. i fell down so hard i couldn't get up for a couple mins. once i did, i was limping & crying. the next day i noticed a HUGE bruise & bump. i actually took a pic & posted it cuz i thought the bruise was pretty. the pain was not pretty tho. it hurt so bad i stopped doing yoga & pilates & haven't really got back into it as much as i used to. it hurt for a really long time. a really long time. the bruise went away in time, but the bump, the bump did not. i did some research and came to the conclusion it was a hematoma. i read it can heal in a couple weeks to a couple years. at this time, i did not have health insurance. i figured it would heal on it's own, so i would be fine. if it didn't, i would take action when the time came. This was 3yrs ago. I fell the summer of 2009. I had just moved to Park Slope, Brooklyn. (Oddly the week i moved to Hell's Kitchen, Summer 2011, i dropped a bottle & cut my chin. since i had health insurance now, i went to the ER for fear i would need stitches. i hav a scar now) I went to urgent care a couple weeks ago to see if i would need surgery on what i thought was a hematoma. The dr said it wasn't a hematoma, it was a gluteal contraction. it was torn muscle that didn't heal properly. he recommended i see a plastic surgeon in the same building. the next week i saw the surgeon. he said it was indeed a hematoma. There was also damage done to the butt, & kept referring to it as a "deformity" that scared me more than anything. i was deformed. for the last 3yrs i was cursing that day. i fall all the time, why was that so different. now i'm deformed. i was always self-conscience about my body, but my butt was actually pretty good. now i'd gone & fucked that up. so the surgeon said he could do some fat grafting to even out the butt. it would nevr b 100% back to normal, but he thought he could do 80/85% so then we talked about money. this would cost $5,000. not covered under health insurance because it is cosmetic. i cried. i cried hard. i cried over my deformed ass. i figure, wanting to be an actress, my body has to be prefect. i fear i won't get roles because my ass is deformed. i had a great ass, but i fucked it up. i cried some more. i cried pretty much the whole day. me & my deformed ass. There is no way I could ever find $5,000. I played the mega millions last week, hoping God would be on my side. I mean I always say if I win the lottery, a huge portion would go to my parents & a huge portion would go to charity. I would buy an apt (& live by myself!!!!!) & get this surgery for me. Yeah a lot of people thought for sure they would win the lotto. I really thought I deserved it. Guess not. I want to believe things will work itself out. One day I’ll be able to get the surgery & not feel deformed anymore. I’m still getting calls from the surgeon’s assistant. I’m sure if I talk to her again, I’ll cry. So I don’t call back. I haven't worn a bathing suit in 3 years, or anything really tight. nothing tight on my butt, for sure. i have a butt on my butt. i have a 3rd butt. it was funny for awhile. when it lasts this long, it's not funny anymore.

so my brother told me to file a claim with the BBB & i did. staples sent me a card with the amount of the original dell laptop that was bought @ staples. i go there and ask for the computer closest to the one i had, not wanting to pay much more then the card. so i get a computer. the guy who is ringing me up had a coupon he's not gonna use, so he gives it to me, how sweet! i think i might have paid like 8 dollars. ontop of that i got a rebate. i actually made money! woot woot.  not to mention i sold the piece of shit computer on craigslist. (don't worry, i told them it was all fucked up) i've had this computer for a couple months now & i LOVE IT!!!!! it's a dream!!!! so, i don't hate staples anymore. thanks better business bureau, you're my hero!!!

from Trouble by Shawn Colvin

a couple things made me think of this today. so why not talk about it. some guy hit on me 2day & i really went off on him. when guys give me the "do me" eyes or lick their lips, i want to kick them in their ever lovn balls. i normally don't have good experiences with men & have always had some kind of either fear or hatred. i just watched a youtube vid of a girl who was ashamed that she blossomed earlier than her friends. i can relate. i was never obese, i guess i was just u know, bigger, whatever. so i had boobs when most girls didn't. i used to get teased that i stuffed. i never stuffed. had no reason to. i mean i was teased mercilessly in school on many things. i always just concentrated on school work. i did get attention from older gentleman. unwanted attention. old men are prevs! thats all i have to say about that. in high school, i got more attractive. lost a ton of weight (ah eating disorders!), concentrated on looks. i guess i was so tired of being picked on, i don't know. or i saw that all the pretty girls got what they wanted. i know the only thing i have going for me is sexuality. i do use it sometimes, when i need to, but & i don't think i've ever said this, it scares the hell out of me. i'm a very scared, confused, messed up girl. nobody really seems to get that because i hide it so well. i hide my whole life. my life is secrets on top of secrets. not to mention the older i get, the more i just wanna be by myself. i don't know if this is the pms talkn, or what. but this kind of just poured out of my fingertips. i've always felt like i took over some other girl's life. like i don't belong in it. i'm not good enough for it. i used to yell at people who called me Mandy, cuz thats who i was when i was younger, thats not who i am anymore. the thing i'm scared of most is that i am still her. i keep tryn to become Amanda. i never feel like i've made it. i've always done that fake it to you make it thing. i keep tryn to be Amanda, but i find myself falling flat. i'm a big giant sham & i think i hide so much, because i don't want to be found out. god that feels good to just get that off my chest.

RDJ River (from Ally Mcbeal)

I have been in love with Robert Downey Jr every since i saw him in Only You. I first saw him in Soapdish when i was a wee lil child. i didn't know what love was, but i'm sure i loved him then to. i have seen almost every one of his movies except for 1 or 2. & i have seen all his movies in the theater since Zodiac. i fuckn love this guy ok. so in 2008 i was camping out for Madonna's free concert @Roseland Ballroom, promotion for the hard candy album. 1 street away from Letterman, right. a couple of us our at the backdoor of roseland listening to Madonna reherse, across the street from the backdoor to Letterman. well some people started talking & they said they saw Robert Downey Jr. How did i not know RDJ was gonna be on that day? was i too caught up in all stuff Madonna.  This couple showed me pictures w/ Robert & told me all about the show & meetn him. i die. I was one st away from RDJ & i didn't even know it. Ever since then i swore i would meet him. Everytime he does promotion i either have to work, or that just so happens to be the week i go home 2 MD, of course. Yesterday he was on Letterman, & of course i had to work. I tried to catch him after but i was told he just left when i got there. Today i woke up super early to see him @ Live w/ Kelly. I had to get up anyway because i was on call for work, so it wasn't that big a deal. I go there, see him drive in & drive away. He never stopped. Never signed anything or took photos. Yes, i did cry. I beleive in signs & i feel like there has to be a reason i haven't met him yet. I believe it will happen 1 day. I just really wanna ask him if he is gonna do another album (i just love when he sings!!!) & if he would ever do SNL again. My 3 Fave things in the world are RDJ, Madonna, & SNL. There is an episode of SNL where RDJ was in the cast & Madonna is the host. soooooooo great!!!! I'm happy i just got to be near him. That sounds creepy, right? o well. i <3 him.

& now here I sit alone & still I think I got my full fill I don't have anymore need to kill I just need to bury them behind a hill

They with the power only have greed They who carry concern can’t plant the seed Those who are willing should join hands & unite Only then can we win this fight

There’s quite a small distance from genius 2 insane

More people would do what they should