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You can’t fight me, you’re miniature. 

Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug. 

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

I hope karma slaps you in the face before I do.

You know, it only takes four muscles to just extend your arm and bitchslap the twat. 

Congratulations on being an awful bitch who’s completely oblivious to the fact that everyone hates you. 

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

My business isn’t your business; so unless you’re my thong, don’t be up my arse. 

I may look calm, but in my head I’ve killed you three times already. 

I would retaliate against your snotty remark, but since you resemble a garden gnome, I’d say the joke is on you. 

I thought I saw your face on my newsfeed but it turns out it was just a picture of a potato.

You want to walk out of my life, there’s the door. Hell, I’ll even hold it open for you. 

I don’t do fashion, I am fashion. 

Somewhere out there there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breath. I think you owe it an apology. 

I’m only single because I’m too sassy for everyone.

Bitch please, have you seen me? I’m a princess. 

I think, therefore I’m single.

Life’s too short to bullshit.

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.

When in doubt, freak ‘em out.

I’d rather die my way than live yours.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Send one to my muse for their reaction

“Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.”

“You’re trying to kidnap what I’ve rightfully stolen.”

“While you’re at it, why don’t you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?”

“They’re terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.”

“I can cope with torture.”

“Get used to disappointment.”

“You’ve made your decision then?”

“Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.”

“I would sooner destroy a stained glass window than an artist like yourself.”

“Am I going mad, or did the word “think” escape your lips?”

“Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.”

“I admit it, you are better than I am.”

“You never said anything about killing anyone.”

“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

“You mock my pain!”

“Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.”

“Do you always begin conversations this way?”

“This is true love; you think this happens every day?”

“Australia is entirely peopled with criminals!”

“There’s not a lot of money in revenge.”

“You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.”

“Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

“Anybody want a peanut?”

“I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But for now, rest well and dream of large women.”

“Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.”

“The battle of wits has begun.”

“I wasn’t nervous. Maybe I was a little bit concerned, but that’s not the same thing.”

“We’ll never succeed. We may as well die here.”

“Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.”

“Isn’t there any way you trust me?”

“You’re trying to trick me into giving away something. It won’t work.”

“I’ll explain, and I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon.”

“I told you I would always come for you. Why didn’t you wait for me?”

“I’m not saying I’d like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.”

“You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.”

“What hideous sin have you committed lately?”

“Yes, you’re very smart. Shut up.”

“There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.”

“That doesn’t leave much time for dilly-dallying.”

“Where I come from, there are penalties when a woman lies.”

“It would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable.”

“I challenge you to a battle of wits.”

“Look, I don’t mean to be rude but this is not as easy as it looks, so I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t distract me.”

“Do you hear that? That is the sound of ultimate suffering.”

“You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.”