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@vanishing-human
Cooooming back to this blog

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I have so much internalized homophobia and hatred around my gender it's ridiculous. I would tolerate it more if I was a gay man or a woman who wasn't attracted to the same gender, but fuck I can't deal with this. When I fantasize about women I end up feeling like a degenerate freak of nature, it emphasizes that I don't have male genitalia and I never will.
I absolutely hate having homosexual and autoandrophiliac fantasies, I hate the fact that I was born as a flawed female. I wish I was born as a heterosexual or maybe bisexual male instead. Fuck I hate everything.
I wish one could just take medication and get rid of those thoughts. Because it's making me feel extremely depressed the fact that I can't change who I am.
Something that I don't see people talk about when it comes to autism is about how, for most of us, our brains aren't wired to be social. For a neurotypical, being alongside people is a natural need and instinct just like sleeping or eating or breathing, but for me it's just an unnatural procedure which I have no interest for. I don't have the drive, nor the motivation to be around others. Social skills came to me in a less spontaneous way than for most. I have to consciously think what to say, what social rules to follow, how to react in a way that I don't look like a soulless corpse.
Honestly, sometimes I feel the urge to live isolated from society. Not completely though, but maybe in the middle of nowhere but somewhat close to a city or a town so I can get a job. But yeah that's something I fantasize about. Being alone, having a bunch of books to pass time, vinyls, videogames and some art supplies. Being alone is what makes me happy.

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I'm female, but if I fantasize about having a relationship with someone, I usually want to think of myself as a male. I used to constantly daydream about it, that I lived my life as a male, I'd fantasize about having affairs with both women and men but as a male. The fact that I will never be able to give pleasure to someone while having a male anatomy makes me feel frustrated, makes me feel like I was born as a broken, effeminate eunuch.
Every time I go outside I feel the sensation that I'm in danger, that I will die, that someone will murder me. It's a constant feeling, an intuition that (thus far) wasn't right. But I keep thinking about it. I feel like I will die soon. How can I tell natural intuition from paranoia?
Were you really the weird kid at your school if you never hurt yourself so you could write or draw with your own blood?
I feel an aching pain every time I think about my attraction to women, I feel like a repulsive creature that shouldn't exist, some sort of abomination. I feel disgusted by it, although I don't feel that way about other people who are attracted to the same gender—it's just about me. Had I've been normal— if I wasn't autistic, if my brain and feelings weren't abnormal enough already— I wouldn't have minded. But I just feel like some mangled animal. I'm repulsed by myself. Every time I fantasize about women, I feel disgusted by myself, because of how abnormal am I. And I start feeling depressed.
I feel a deep, engulfing anhedonia. It's hard to derive pleasure out of anything. Particularly social matters. Socializing feels like a Sisyphean chore; a neverending, obnoxious task that I cannot get rid of.
I'm autistic, and to me it feels like a fundamental lack of the feelings and motivations that neurotypical people have. I don't feel talking to people is satisfying or enjoyable unless I find them attractive or if they're quiet enough to let me talk alone.

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I feel like I'm a non-human creature stuck inside a human costume.
Sometimes I wonder if I'd be capable of having friends. It's like there's a part of the usual human brain that it's missing on mine. Most people feel like they need to be around others, they cherish company and seek it. But for me it's the opposite. People feel like a gum stuck on your shoe sole while walking down the street.
It's one of those things that make me feel like I will never be capable of having a typical life, you know, a marriage and kids. Honestly, if I think about it I only think of it in a purely utalitarian manner, like having a partner to make things less costly, and children that will take care of you when you're old. And I know it sounds cold, but it's the truth.
It's for things like this that I wish I was neurotypical. If we lived in a society that wasn't built around human connections I I wouldn't, but that is not the reality.
I want to know if this was a common experience for autistic people.
When I was in high school I'd struggle to fit in with the "weird" kids. They were mostly into stuff like anime, which I don't watch, and they liked specific videogames and music I weren't interested in. They were nerds while I struggled in school and I had virtually no interest in academic stuff.
But I didn't fit in with the rest of the class, either. They would talk about going to parties on weekends, something I that I wasn't interested in. The girls talked about boys they thought were good-looking or the guys they dated, meanwhile I struggled to grasp how they could find any of those guys remotely attractive, they genuinely grossed me out.
I stood out. I had no friends, I sat alone during breaks and started drawing in my notebook. While I was bored, it was better than being with other people. But teachers didn't understand that. They thought that I was there not by choice, but out of shyness or lack of social skills.
Being around people often makes me deeply uncomfortable and stressed.
But nobody saw that. I wish people were more aware than some of us simply don't struggle with social skills per se, but rather we are alone by choice.
This was true for me, but the difference was I was a band kid. I was very much at odds with the rest of the band kids, who were at odds with the rest of the school, but it was like a defacto place to be. We sat in the music hallway for lunch, I was always there but I didnt really talk, they were who I hung out with if there was something happening, by default.
It always felt like I couldnt say anything that would make sense. Or I couldnt say anything at all.
I am pretty charming and fine in social situations, especially since I actually lost some of my desire to fit in, it makes the odd way I talk charming to people lol (definitely not everyone).
It is a choice, its also a personal feeling. I cannot connect with people. A lot of people like me, but I dont like them. Its not about other people, whether they like me or not, whether I have anything in common. I absolutely do, none of us are all that unique and we can bond over anything, its that I cant bond or connect, period.
I’ve noticed everything is put in terms of other people. How others see you, feel about you, interpret you. Not that I dont feel anything with other people, or I feel more different/alien/deeply stressed. I know people like me, and I know people dont. It doesnt matter. I am the barrier.
Also for me I do a lot better with complete strangers, people I know are even more stressful for me lol.
100% relate to this, especially the last part. For some reason I'm not shy talking with people I don't know, I get more inhibited and reserved when it's people I talk to more often.
Also, I feel the same about finding it hard to connect with other people. It's like I'm emotionally dissociated from other people. My drive to have friends and socialize is next to none.
the post i last reblogged made me think of how some people (not op they seem nice) say that bpd doesn't exist at all and it's just misdiagnosed autism but as someone who has both that is just SUCH bullshit
like it is not entirely clear cut every single time, but if i'm having a bad time in my brain i can usually tell where it's coming from, and especially with autism and bpd it feels really distinct most of the time
the autism upset is based on the way i am, just the most rudimentary ways my thinking differs from the norm
and the bpd upset is based on something i've experienced / was done to me and then how that changes the way my brain reacts to other things
i'm not sure if it's understandable what i'm trying to say, but honestly when youre not just looking in from the outside bpd is much more similar to ptsd (c-ptsd in particular), i kind of think it could almost be classified as a version of it
but even then it the fact that it is a separate diagnosis is not bad on its own, and it shouldn't be gotten rid of just because people get misdiagnosed as it
I don't have BPD, but as someone who IS autistic this misinformation always pisses me off too! The two are completely unrelated! They have some overlapping common traits like self harming or social issues, but they're completely separate disorders lmao.
Same thing happens with Cluster A personality disorders. Like yeah, apathy and social isolation are autistic traits too, but in schizo- spectrum disorders it's FAR more pronounced. It's not just being aloof or speaking in a monotone, it's much more severe than that.
DAE has issues to fall asleep because their dreams are utterly bizarre and profoundly uncomfortable

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I want to know if this was a common experience for autistic people.
When I was in high school I'd struggle to fit in with the "weird" kids. They were mostly into stuff like anime, which I don't watch, and they liked specific videogames and music I weren't interested in. They were nerds while I struggled in school and I had virtually no interest in academic stuff.
But I didn't fit in with the rest of the class, either. They would talk about going to parties on weekends, something I that I wasn't interested in. The girls talked about boys they thought were good-looking or the guys they dated, meanwhile I struggled to grasp how they could find any of those guys remotely attractive, they genuinely grossed me out.
I stood out. I had no friends, I sat alone during breaks and started drawing in my notebook. While I was bored, it was better than being with other people. But teachers didn't understand that. They thought that I was there not by choice, but out of shyness or lack of social skills.
Being around people often makes me deeply uncomfortable and stressed.
But nobody saw that. I wish people were more aware than some of us simply don't struggle with social skills per se, but rather we are alone by choice.
no wonder the rates of depression and anxiety are so high amongst autistic people. the moment we go out into the world, we learn that the only way people won’t hate us is if we don’t act like ourselves. we learn that one wrong move, one little falter in the mask, can be catastrophic. anxiety isn’t irrational, it’s a learnt response to being shut down the moment we finally feel like we’re being our real selves