venting

Cooooming back to this blog

I have so much internalized homophobia and hatred around my gender it's ridiculous. I would tolerate it more if I was a gay man or a woman who wasn't attracted to the same gender, but fuck I can't deal with this. When I fantasize about women I end up feeling like a degenerate freak of nature, it emphasizes that I don't have male genitalia and I never will.

Something that I don't see people talk about when it comes to autism is about how, for most of us, our brains aren't wired to be social. For a neurotypical, being alongside people is a natural need and instinct just like sleeping or eating or breathing, but for me it's just an unnatural procedure which I have no interest for. I don't have the drive, nor the motivation to be around others. Social skills came to me in a less spontaneous way than for most. I have to consciously think what to say, what social rules to follow, how to react in a way that I don't look like a soulless corpse.

Honestly, sometimes I feel the urge to live isolated from society. Not completely though, but maybe in the middle of nowhere but somewhat close to a city or a town so I can get a job. But yeah that's something I fantasize about. Being alone, having a bunch of books to pass time, vinyls, videogames and some art supplies. Being alone is what makes me happy.

I'm female, but if I fantasize about having a relationship with someone, I usually want to think of myself as a male. I used to constantly daydream about it, that I lived my life as a male, I'd fantasize about having affairs with both women and men but as a male. The fact that I will never be able to give pleasure to someone while having a male anatomy makes me feel frustrated, makes me feel like I was born as a broken, effeminate eunuch.

Every time I go outside I feel the sensation that I'm in danger, that I will die, that someone will murder me. It's a constant feeling, an intuition that (thus far) wasn't right. But I keep thinking about it. I feel like I will die soon. How can I tell natural intuition from paranoia?

Were you really the weird kid at your school if you never hurt yourself so you could write or draw with your own blood?

I feel an aching pain every time I think about my attraction to women, I feel like a repulsive creature that shouldn't exist, some sort of abomination. I feel disgusted by it, although I don't feel that way about other people who are attracted to the same gender—it's just about me. Had I've been normal— if I wasn't autistic, if my brain and feelings weren't abnormal enough already— I wouldn't have minded. But I just feel like some mangled animal. I'm repulsed by myself. Every time I fantasize about women, I feel disgusted by myself, because of how abnormal am I. And I start feeling depressed.

I feel like I'm a non-human creature stuck inside a human costume.

DAE has issues to fall asleep because their dreams are utterly bizarre and profoundly uncomfortable