FEELINGS

“Sometimes you are going to miss a person who was an almost to you. And feel sad because there is no name for that feeling. You just feel it in a way that makes you tired to your very bones.”

“Sometimes you are going to miss a person who was an almost to you. And feel sad because there is no name for that feeling. You just feel it in a way that makes you tired to your very bones.”

and maybe in a different life, he doesn’t leave you and you love with sunshine hearts and everything is bright. maybe it could have been different if you were more forgiving and he stopped trailing blood, you opened your mouth less and he opened his more, you didn’t love too harshly and he didn’t throw his out the door. but this isn’t a different life and things aren’t different. it doesn’t matter what could have been. it only matters that he’s not here and you’re shaking, sleeping with a nightlight on in bed because you’re so scared of living a life without him. i know. i’ve been there. there’s nothing poetic about the way it feels to cry on the floor. but sometimes that’s the way life is. sometimes that’s how you move on. and you’ve got to move on. you have to weed through every part of yourself until you find the strength to let go. you can’t keep dreaming. it won’t change things. you’ve got to live. pick yourself up. smile at the little things. you have to realize this life is much bigger than him. you don’t have a choice. this is the way it is.

Honestly, the most difficult girls are the ones that are worth it. They may be hard to put up with, but they’re the girls that’ll put up a fight for you and they’ll keep fighting until they win. They may be argumentative, but they’re the girls that’ll get over things because they can’t stay mad at you for any longer than 5 minutes. They may be stubborn, but they’re the girls who wouldn’t give up on you no matter how bad the situation is. They may be emotional, but they’re the girls who will always be straight up with how they feel no matter how brutal it may be. They may be crazy, but they’re the girls who stand up for you and have your back through thick and thin. They may be insecure, but they’re the girls who have enough confidence to know no girl can love you better than they can. They may be hard to understand, but they’re the girls that’ll try to help you understand why they love you so much.

Whether it was dragging a blade across my skin or walking out in front of a car, I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to feel pain and I stopped caring whether or not I would make it out alive.