I can't feel your legs.

@townofbayview·

Hi, Bayview. I’m Elizabeth. Instead of unpacking I’ve eaten an entire pizza myself and I’ve binge-watched the first two seasons of Friends because yes, I’m one of those crazy Friends fanatics. That said, I’m taking suggestions for another show to obsess over, and a place to get a really tall glass of wine, because that will certainly help with the unpacking situation. 

Wow. That’s impressive. Every time I try to eat an entire pizza myself, my wife and kids come in asking why I want them to starve. I don’t know what their deal is. Oh, please watch Living With Yourself. I spent a good chunk of my day watching the whole thing a while ago, and it’s brilliant. Perfect for avoiding your responsibilities and feeling like shit about yourself. Welcome to town, by the way. My name’s Ryan, usually, but you can call me whatever you want. I’m not picky.

Well, this sweet town looks just as lovely as it did when I first met it. Maybe there is just something about a new year and starting a new chapter in me and my hubby’s life, but wow, it feels good to be home. Got in late last night and you know the first stop was a big ol’ treat from Sweet Tooth - praise be, just as delicious as before! And there goes my New Years resolution to lay off the sugar, but hey, I made it…. almost a full week?  Any one else make a resolution and blow it already? I’ve got a few more I’m holding tight to, but who was I kidding? Back to living near the best dessert shop going - didn’t stand a chance!

I’ve learned never to make resolutions, because I can’t trust myself to keep any of them. Last time I did that I told myself I wouldn’t have anymore kids, but here I am: a liar. But hey, you’re a sight for sore eyes! Welcome back to town! How have you been, besides breaking your resolutions and as a result, disappointing your ancestors?

Dude, you should so totally do that. Like a speakeasy, but just for us dudes. Oh, man, you’re making El Chapo’s underground tunnels sound like child’s play, Ryan. Will you ever cease to impress? Three ping pong tables? D’aw, look at you spoiling me yet again. Three different chances for me you to kick my ass and look preppy while doing it. Hey, it’s me or Martha, I’ll take it. I don’t bring the culinary gifts that she does, but I do bring an endless supply of love and expired subway cards. Oh, thanks. Is there a blood oath? Do I have to sacrifice a virgin to join? I think I have a poster of me in Donnie Darko somewhere in storage, that counts, right? 

Bold of you to diss El Chapo’s underground tunnels in public like this, Jake. I love a brave man. Three ping pong tables, and potentially even more than three if you’re feeling a little wild. I have money, and I can only spend it on you. That’s the deal. You or Martha? Cool. I’m feeding her to my dogs, then. Never thought I’d have to make that decision. It was definitely a tough choice that took me all of three seconds to make. See, you have qualities that Martha does not. Like an endless supply of love and expired Subway cards, just like you said. That’s everything I want in a healthy relationship. No, Jake, you don’t have to sacrifice yourself to join. What would be the point in that? I already have several dozen posters of you in Donnie Darko and also in everything else. But thanks.

“You forgot a box.” Ryan’s voice was deeper and rougher than usual, a telltale sign that he was right in the middle of battling the plague. It was coming on strong for the past couple of days, and no matter how many times Blake had tried to keep him in bed, he wasn’t staying down. He had made that very clear many times, much to his wife’s dismay.

The box in arms jingled with Christmas lights on other strings of Christmas lights shoved inside, which Ryan set on the couch with as much care as he could manage. He’d been a little bit off the past few days, but he didn’t see the point in sleeping all day when Blake was already stressing too much about the fast approaching holidays. Too many last minute tasks needed finishing before they could rest. “Found it hiding in one of the spare closets.” 

@xolively​

Just as long as you and I never tell my secret, I’ll be good. I don’t want to be like that one kid who faked being a doctor and got away with it because he watched enough Grey’s Anatomy to know what he was doing. Which I also feel like I could do. 15 seasons has to come in handy for something and should qualify me for a medical degree. Yeah, you may deserve to suffer a little bit, but I can’t help but feel the need to protect you. Even from the deadly phone transmitted diseases. Those are the silent killers of the world. Well now we’re going to have to sneak around even more. Emma is back in town. She’s another obstacle that will try to get in the way of our love story.

I’ll keep your secret if you keep all of mine when I inevitably call you in the middle of the night and drunkenly confess all my sins. Not that I have any that you can prove. I mean, if nothing else, you have a gig to fall back on should you decide that acting isn’t really your bread and butter anymore. Aww. Thanks. I love when you’re protective. But you didn’t hear it from me. Yeah, I noticed. Don’t worry about it. I’ll handle everything. 

When you do inevitably have that TEDTalk, I hope you invite me. Because now I wanna hear it. Oh god, and that knowledge alone doesn’t drive you crazy? Because it was would drive me crazy. And here I thought you had like, you’re own coffee shop or something, I was like “Oh damn, Ryan got a coffee shop,” I didnt realize you meant your house, that’s so funny. Sure, sure, naturally I assumed the screaming was from you, anyways.

You’re at the top of my list. Right after Cher. The only thing that drives me crazy is myself. And the way my children like to pull my hair out of my face. It’s great. Oh, no. I’m not that important. Not yet, anyway. Keep an eye out for when I buy out Tim Horton’s, though. My house has everything except the concept of peace and quiet. It’s a curse. Yeah, I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t screaming for eternity.

I think that should just be renamed the Bro Pad where we do bro things. Like, y’know, keep our skin moisturized with face masks because there’s no heating in the doghouse and renew our wedding vows. Things like that. Maybe play a little ping pong. Think we can squeeze a mini ping pong table in there? Y’know, they showed me that one on a talkshow once. Knew who was behind it right away. You’re the only Ryan that matters and you know it, don’t you worry. You and your wife are truly and whole-heartedly obsessed with that woman, y’know all conversations with you two lead back to her? Is this a Stewartist cult that I’m not a part of? Do you worship the Stewarts of all sorts or just Martha? Because I feel excluded.

Done. I should get some secret renovations going on it so that it’s like, an underground bro-cave or something. This is a golden idea for a golden opportunity. And then it can be connected to both our houses with an underground tunnel so I can sneak out at night to watch you sleep. But I’m gonna make this my pet project. We’ll have three ping pong tables in there by the time I’m finished. All other Ryans are banned from everything except me, so I’m glad you respect that. That’s true about half of the time. The other half of the time, all my conversations lead back to you, so... it’s a double edged sword. Personally, I worship a few Stewarts... Martha, Patrick, Kristen... I mean, you can join the cult--I mean fanclub--if you really want to. I’m sure I can arrange something for you.

We all do, we all must be sadists or something. Don’t worry, Ry. This is a judgement free zone, I won’t say anything about your kinks. It does! I’m honestly not sure I’ll ever get every box open. I might just start shoving things in the attic. Just kidding, that would drive me crazy knowing boxes were up there. Not too shabby, Ry. I mean, I can’t complain too much. Well then good to know, wheres your place?

Yeah, we all love causing immense grief for ourselves. This is why we’re the dumbest species, in my opinion. I could list a hundred and two other reasons, but that’s a TEDTalk for another time. I’m convinced there’s probably a couple of boxes I hid away to avoid and then never touched again, so I wouldn’t judge if you put your shit in the attic. I’m sure it’ll be some sort of time capsule in five years when we do spring cleaning. I’m living in the suburbs. You’ll know you’re there when you hear all the screaming. Not form my children, but from me. Common mistake.

If I was an actual superhero, I probably would have the most useless superpower ever. That would be my luck. While other superheroes get to fly or become invisible, I just get to give people illnesses and cure them of the same illnesses. Although I would make a killing as a doctor. Hit them with some devastating illness and end up performing some kind of miracle and curing them. I’d be famous for it. I didn’t call you because I love you too much to pass along these germs to you. You’re better than that and you don’t deserve to suffer this way. I only disappear so she doesn’t get too suspicious. If I was around constantly, she’d catch onto our secret affair. And you know what they say. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Don’t worry, I’ll always come back though. Just like a boomerang. 

Oh, man, you’d be winning all sorts of awards for curing diseases people never knew you caused. It’s the ultimate scam. I think you’ve found your calling. Oh, Andrew, that’s so sweet, I might cry. Man, phone-transmitted sicknesses are the worst. People don’t think anything of it, but it’s totally a thing. Well, I probably deserve to suffer just a little bit. But that’s about it. Yeah, yeah, you gotta keep your distance. It’s a system. You know how it goes, if we’re gonna happy, we gotta break a few eggs. That was so incredibly poetic. My heart is soaring.

It’s so difficult. I don’t know if I can fight the temptation. Please. I never ruin the moment. That’s all you, baby. Not for a second could I ever be better than Martha, so therefore I respect it. Damn. You do appreciate me. How crazy. I happen to appreciate you a lot. I also love you a lot. What a mother always dreams of her kids, for them to be White Walkers. Friday, hm. I’m sure I’ll be sane enough to handle you on Friday. Can’t make any promises for Saturday. 

I think you’ll be alright. Also, wow. Way to lay down the law. I hate that it’s the truth. Yeah, so don’t even try and fight me on this one. We both know who the real queen is. You what? Sorry, I didn’t hear that last bit - you’re breaking up. So weird. Oh, Saturday I fully expect you to break out the hatchet. And then I’ll hide in the bathroom and fear for my life, y’know, as we do on Saturdays.

For someone who hates moving, I’ve moved an awful lot in the past few years. Don’t get me wrong, Bayview is lovely and I’m already loving it here…but setting up a new place is god awful. I figured I’m too picky and particular with where I want things, so I opted out of having the movers unpack it. Hi, I’m Emma, and boy do I have some big time regrets. But enough about my moving mistakes, I’m looking for info. Some hot tips, if you will. Where’s the best place to grab coffee? Best sandwiches? Best view? I want it all, fill me in fellow Bayviewians! Help a new girl out!

@townofbayview·

It’s the literal seventh circle of hell, and yet I put myself through it way too much. Like, enough for me to seem like a major masochist. Does this count as a big time regret? ‘Cause I feel like there’s so much more to unpack here. How you been, Emma? Listen, people’re gonna tell you Coral Street has the best coffee, but they’re liars. My place has the best coffee, and it’s not up for debate.

Are you sure you didn’t catch the plague from me? Because how ironic would it be if you caught it and was healed from it all by me? You know me, I hate to bother anyone else. Plus that’s what the team of movers I hired is for. Luckily I planned that out in advanced because I’m a lazy son of a bitch. It just so happened to work out in my advantage because I’m now currently dying. It sounds like Blake just needs to accept reality and get used to the idea of me stealing her man. But if it helps you, I can pretend to despise you. That way it will be more romantic when we sneak off to see one another in the middle of the night.

That would be the most useless superpower ever. But I would believe it in a heartbeat. You’re a lazy son of a bitch that I admire. I’m telling you, I have the strength of ten movers, I could get that shit done in a heartbeat. But no, you didn’t think to call me. Honestly, I’m offended. I mean, you know I’d give my life for yours, so... it’s really no sweat. See, you say that, and then you mysteriously disappear the next day. That’s how this usually goes, but... your bravery is pretty hot, so. That’s the most romantic part of any movie.

I don’t know. I’m a little tempted to answer that. Or, well, a lot tempted but I won’t bother to push it. Thank you. Validation helps more than you think. I’m not as close to being done as I want to be. Cleaning, preparing, and more decorating. I’m close to leaving it as it is and forcing my family to walk through the hoards of dolls and dirty socks. I know how much you appreciate me. You don’t have to say it. Well. If you wrapped it up every once and a while then I wouldn’t be popping out kids left and right. – When do you come home? I miss your snoring. It’s like my white noise.

Well, fight the temptation. Don’t ruin the moment. Hey, you’re the strongest and most capable woman I know, other than Martha. I couldn’t do what you do fully sober with four hands. And you know that. You do a lot for your family. They’ll take what they can get. No, I really don’t think you do. I appreciate you more than America appreciates guns. That’s love right there. Oh - hey! That’s a cheap shot. Also is it really so bad? Now we have three little future White Walkers. I’ll be touching down Friday evening. Hang in there, sweetheart.

Is that a promise? I can’t help but to stress. My family will be here in a matter of days, the house is a mess… I can’t even breathe let alone clean. I think I have hair falling out. I might end up grayer than you in a month’s time. Sorry – I’m sorry, I don’t know. I’m all over the place. You know how I am when I get like this. I’ve felt like I’ve wanted to just give up. This has seemed a lot harder than all the other times. We always have a handle on it, but with our youngest? It feels so much more difficult.

Yes, God, it’s a promise. Would I ever say anything I don’t mean? ...Okay, don’t answer that. But I swear to you. I deserved that. It’s okay. Don’t say that, you’re doing amazing. Carrying this household on your back must make it hard to stand straight. I love you for everything you do, you know that? I might not say it enough, but I do appreciate you. More than you know. ...We should probably stop having children at some point. This is getting ridiculous.

Here’s a new advice from the Taron Egerton’s Guide for a Better Life: partying before moving to another country is never a good idea, so behave. You’ll end up sleeping and snoring on the floor, surrounded by unpacked clothes and furniture that you’ve barely built. But according to my dear mum, I deserved it. Pretty sure she’s still mad at me for leaving Wales on the holiday season– might even be disowned by now. So, hi, I’m your new neighbour Taron and I’m looking for a new family. Also, yes, my guide book is for sale and yes, my advice are all as good as the one I just shared.

Is that guide on shelves yet? So many people have been telling me to get my shit together but I just don’t know how, and I feel like this is my best bet, because I’m running out of options here. You moved away from your mom for the holidays? That’s low, man. You better fly her the hell out or you might not live to see another Christmas. Take it from me. Oh good, answered my own question. I’m ordering twenty copies as we speak. Nice to finally meet you, Taron. I understand that you’re pretty tight with Hugh Jackman? I have one question: how often does he mention me, and is it all good things? I’m doing a science experiment.

Well it’s my first day in town and I’ve already caught a terrible bug. I have a feeling it may be the flu, since my entire body aches and I can barely breathe through my nostrils. I’m honestly just glad that I hired a moving team to move everything in and get in unpacked for me. Because all I’ve been able to do all day is lay in bed and point as to where certain things should go. There’s still a few things that need to be put into place, but I couldn’t care less about that right now. If anyone needs me, I’ll be under a pile of blankets with hot tea, watching feel good movies to make myself feel better. I’m Andrew by the way. @townofbayview·

I just recently caught the plague as well, but suddenly your presence has cured me of all my symptoms. Thank you. You totally could’ve rang me; I’d no doubt put myself in the crossfire just to make sure you got moved in alright. Now that you’re in town I’m feeling very conflicted. There’s so many people for my wife to forbid me from seeing because I might leave her for them, and you’re definitely one. Maybe if we pretend to hate each other? It’s not ideal, but... it’s an option.

It’s been ridiculously hard for me. We’ve been so good at maintain our careers when it comes to our family, but I.. I don’t know. This has been a lot harder for us. We love you, we support you. Most of all, we miss you, Ry. It feels like I’m doing this all on my own. I can’t just call my mom to come help. I don’t even know if I’m ready for Christmas or if the house is ready.. it’s a mess. I feel like a mess.

I know, I know. I’ll make it up to you. I’m gonna be so helpful around the house when I’m there, it’ll seem like I was gone the whole time because there won’t be a hair out of place. Are you kidding? You’re like, a Christmas god, and I’m... your protege or something because I’m really not that great at it, which you already know. Don’t stress, okay? We got this.