astrology zone said the weekend of 3/13 will be the most romantic weekend in March - proof that astrology is just all hokum 🙄

3/13

10pm, 31D: me to 小王, 脑内多巴胺正exploding: "i think he's so easy to talk to, but let's see, if he texts he texts, if he doesn't then he doesn't"

12:30am: 小王发送desk lamp短信，我们一起喝着whiskey笑和哭

4am, 31D 客厅 一张mattress和一张air mattress上躺着三个上外小朋友，其中一个的姓我永远发不准

7:26am: 戳小冯问时间 他起身一看时间 骂了“阿爹阿娘咧”

8:15am, 9:20am, 9:30am: 闹钟响，没人起床

10:30am: 起床，小冯煮云吞，我拆粉色沙发，小王报告desk lamp短信无回复

11:30am: 到家，caught up with candy, 听她说她的staycation, 说我的hudson river walk. candy asked: how do you like him? i said i really like him, a lot, we were just so cute🥺. then she asked me about best first dates and I thought very hard for a while, and i said: this one? she said did he text your friend back? i said no!! and she told me to relax it's still so early on saturday morning.

4pm: wake up from the nap, he still didn't text back, cry, crawl into a ball and cuddle hono, cry

5:30pm: decided to pull myself up for a walk, walked down, chatted with my favorite doorman in the building, broke down "i like this boy so much but he doesn't like me" and he said to me "VALENTINE YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL"  and i bawled like a baby in the lobby, and everyone walked by looked at me bawling. it was so sad and hilarious at the same time.

[the first thing candy said going downstairs: edwin why did you make my roommate cry!!]

8pm: come back from the walk, called mom first and she was being awfully critical, called serena  and she tried to pick him apart.

[i don't want people picking him apart, he's part of my experience and i love this experience, intact and full, so please don't pick him apart]

10:30pm: candy came back, a long session with my cried out swollen eyes. words, advices, questions marks flew around and i still didn't have one single answer. cry

3/14

1am: replay clips after clips, cry, watched the clock turned 3 at 2am. cuddle hono, went to sleep

11am: woke up and ready to do yoga. mentioned my swollen face and the yoga session turned into a five-hour therapy sessions with those three wonderful girls, that their computer batteries died again and again and they came back on line again and again after that.

[they love me when i'm at my lowest, i receive the most love when i'm at my worst]

3:30pm: too many filters and feedbacks, I sat and strip all things away and thought about the time we spent, still don't understand, still can't believe i got a ghost from THIS date, want answers that i'm never meant to have. in a trance, tried to nap but failed.

4pm: sober, sun-shine-in-my-eyes sober, put on jamie xx's "in colour" vinyl, sat in my new pink armchair and just sat and listen

5pm: shower, packed up bag and went see 小王 and 31D for the last time, prepare for Lilia

5:26pm: 在周日5点关门的香水店前驻足停留

[没有买到的蜡烛小王第二天早上跑去买到了，只有这个out of stock她说，但她强行拿了on display的那瓶，也没有official wrap box，但不是遗憾]

5:40pm bedford avenue train station- mother of junk买新的玻璃杯，摔碎的玻璃杯就让他去不再难过了 - martha's 买bakeries and napoleon

6:15pm 回到了happy place lilia 证实上次觉得这么好吃不是嗨了而是真的这么好吃

8:15pm 来到spoonbill给小王拍了最后一张disposable，上一张是在hudson river想拍他但没有敢，小王寻找了三个书店的书在这里还是没有找到

[遗憾]

10pm 31D the last time: 拆着镜子开始哭again, 小王在hectic的理行李走过来问我要不要这个看到我趴在镜子上哭，她说你再哭我就要怪自己了，我说no i don't blame you and i don't want to blame myself either

10:13pm: 打电话给lsc 他凶的不得了，我说喜欢的小哥哥不喜欢我，他说这不是很正常的吗，我说为什么我们两个人对这个date的感受如此天壤之别，他说你们没有天壤之别，但以后你可能会遇到其他天壤之别，但也会遇到和你感受一样的

10:40pm: 29岁出现，我问29岁，原来two people can feel so different about the same interaction, 他笑说那当然，这个我不到29岁的时候就学会了

11:13pm: 坐上lyft离开小王 抱着大镜子和小箱子，哭，为小王哭

11:48pm: 装镜子的时候开始哭again, 打电话给姐姐她说那你要想你经历的date比他开心是很幸运的

3/15

12:47am: 给lsc发短信告诉他我很珍惜他这个朋友！以后再也不会不回微信了

1am: clean up, mentally, physically, cuddle hono, cried a little, just a tiny bit, and slept

3:29pm: 用字送别小王，哭了三小时有10分钟真的是为她在哭的，她说我倒是没看出来是为我哭

6:25pm: told christina everything, talked for 2 hours and 17 minutes, i said guess i will never know the answer and she said exactly. i told her she's a cali software engineer who goes to coachella every year on molly, she said "oh then i guess you're not her type lol" i said "what's his type?" she said "abg? i don't know cuz the type reminds me of Alex" me: OH NO 🤯 (vehemently deny) he wore a flannel shirt to coachella instead of a tank/ shirtless!

[and later she texted me: you are stronger than this. again cried a little, a tiny bit]

9:49pm: told lexi and realized his boyfriend worked with him in the same company, 她说要当坏女人，对姐妹好就好了，我说我也想当坏女人,好轻松，但不会。

11:51pm: 写这行字

过去两天：talk to 11 people, feel loved and adored for 11 times. ate one meal, drink a couple of bottled water, slept for ~12 hours, confused, drained, cried, over and over again, demand answers, again and again, and now it seems answers are not longer important anymore.

jcc: 下次你要想is this boy not only worth your time, but your friends' time?? your roommate's time?? your DOORMAN's time?? 我笑 说我现在的背后智囊团比三国打仗时候诸葛亮还强，he should feel honored LOL

ida: 我们每天都在经历新的事情无论是好是坏每天都在成长 真的很幸运啊

lsc to saki: 辛苦你了。lsc叫我买好吃的给她因为“你看saki听你哭了一遍又一遍” 我说我接受了我不要答案了，他说挺好的接受是一种力量，我说看来都是自己陶醉其中了，他说很好，这是一种能力，下次用在别人身上就是了

所有人：你能这么喜欢人也是一种天赋

两个人做了很可爱的事情，不代表两个人会继续做可爱的事情，有的时候这么可爱的事情就是因为只发生了一次才更珍贵（小王pessimistic的告诉我）当另一个人不想继续做可爱的事情不代表当时发生的事情不可爱，可能有的事情在我心里可爱10分在他心里可爱6分所以他想去继续寻找可爱10分的事情，没关系，我以后会找到更多可爱10分的事情而且有一天对方也会觉得可爱10分。

我和我姐说我认输了，她说怎么认输？我说我不要答案了，我也不想问了，我输了。她说这不叫认输，这叫let it go. 原来let things/ people go is not a surrender, it’s a muscle. I just grew stronger by not asking questions anymore. 

3/12 4:51pm- 10:05pm

the cutest five-hour first date i've ever had

walked along the hudson river, from my apt to 96th street 12th ave, sat in a tree (a branch out on the tree that looks like a swing), he took a picture of me on the tree, wrapped me in his arms sitting in the tree, climbed over the fence to see the sailor and soldier's monument, i told him he will be such a good travel buddy. snuggled on a bench on the street side and waited for a seat in the restaurant for 40 minutes. liked him, liked him a lot and left thinking i will certainly see him again.

but i am not, very very unfortunately.

he's the one told me about Orion's belt and i think it's so wonderful that stars now remind me of him, of the five hours

“这个date真的太可爱了我要捧在手心里，这个男孩子我可以不要，但是这个五小时我要捧住”

我不希望他以后被ghost, he's such a cool and sweet person i wish him well <3

这五个小时我比他更开心我很幸运。比对方喜欢更多就是每一次见面我都收获更多开心 - “开心吗?” “开心但是..” “没有但是，当时开心就够了。”

我和小王说最近一直哭唧唧真的是因为you'll see 听多了，不想哭的时候听到这首歌我也哭了

You'll See- Tizzy Bac

我最喜欢是 "总有些遗憾要学会放开，活到这把年纪也该明白"

小王最喜欢的是 “我背后柔软的伤口不想让人触摸，但在你转身瞬间，泪在心底成了河流”

Different language: affect the way you see things. for example, some languages have male/ female pronouns or for objects, you would look at those objects with a biased conception. Also, some language is able to talk about a people without a pronouns, so maybe in a conversation you can have no idea whether the person is male/ female. 

“someone did something” based on different sentence structures that emphasize on different parts, people use their memories differently. 

you don’t need to atone for the people you thought you didn’t save. They’re not yours to save from the start. You’re can’t be atoned unless you realize there’s simply no guilt here. 

床的位置放在卧室门对角线深处

书桌带木头，应放东边，坐下时要看得到门

2. when someone realize their blind spot in their personality, is it the dead end for them to change or is it a motivation for them to change

kinda like: okay now i realize i do this because i’m insecure, self- claiming this statement makes it easier or harder to fix this issue?

3. do you actually have the action of “choosing” in any sense of relationship? https://www.douban.com/note/647910613/

because this makes sense, my brain is triggered to react in a certain way to things not consciously choose so.

I don’t stop, hold on, analyze, and then think okay this is fun. 

2. Ryan: I personally have never met a person who laugh as much as Valentine

how would you have your favorite food? first or last?

2. Kool aid came from the real story of “the sacrement ”  Jonestown Massacre of 1978 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonestown#Mass_murder-and-suicide 

read

how do people make friends when they’re adults?

bar, friends’ friend, AA and ....? 

Mentally dissect myself everyday apparently is no longer fulfilling for me so i’m constantly in the prey for my new client/ patient

Follow up questions for the killing of a sacred deer question:

Ben Kingsley: a great conductor needs a great soloist 

I’ve avoided therapy, because movies are my therapy 

2. Christina: Why do you think I shouldn’t ask What do you think of me?

Me: because I don’t know what you expect out of him. 

Ida: Because you shouldn’t look desperate

Christina: Because i want your relationship to be on a balanced and equal level. See? people can come out with the same answers but have completely different thinking process after that

And you can’t ask people to just be fascinated by whatever you’re fascinated by. We get fascinated by things friends say because we are internally fascinated by our friends. Imagine your friends and a hobo ask you exactly the same thing, you wouldn’t have the same reaction emotionally towards the exact same question, because how we perceive a question or how we perceive a conversation in general is so dependent on the other party and our perception towards them. We would have fun friends coming out and say boring and stupid things but we are still fascinated because we are first interested in the person and then interested in the things that they’re interested in?

NO 

1. how the trees grow when I lied down in the very end of yoga session and how I feel it visually flows into my veins with physical current. 

What kinds of things can make the tree grow and what makes it weak, and how can i dig the root deeper

2. Why i want to go to military, why i want to be a therapist, why i want to make movies: because i want to tell stories/ experience and I want to surround myself with people who have stories

3. how you just randomly walk into a nyff screening and the producer/ director is here. Rebecca miller’s recollection of her father is genuine and precious and worth thinking about. (write more)

daily fun fact: henry ford invented the concept of weekend. 

spielberg decided to be a filmmaker because of lawrence of arabia

你最喜欢的人：站在面前感觉愉快的人 划掉 我的女儿

2. don't trust people they ditch you and they change and they in general suck, and stop pretending you haven’t watched kingsmen no one cares. and stop pounding your friends last minute because other people flake on you. Don’t plan things, nothing is going as planned just open your palms. Also this simply says that you’re never gonna see each other EVER. don’t reply just let this go. 

3. this is the comic that hawaiian wrote in his IAG introduction, i mean look at this, how can you ever let someone this interesting go. Also, i saw this one which perfectly sums up everything I want to say about my social circle

4. how ida talks about she doesn’t want to die right now because if she dies no one will come to her funeral, but then i reflect on how lucky i am because every second i’m living is longer than my very past second, and how it resonates with whatever i feel when I was sick and doctor told me that I might have leukemia

5. i don’t want to admit it to myself that I’m emotional only because this guy rain checked me- it hit me hard that actually everyone’s having too much of their own life, and at this very moment i’m not. I just want to see people who don’t want to see me. 

but i’m being all honest that i REALLY need to see a therapist and I want to feel mentally sophisticated enough to actually be a grown up. I want to put two interesting souls into a cute cafe, and just let them talk. They talk so much about life, about philosophical stuff, and whoever watch the film would feel so connected and bonded internally that they have the ideas delivered deep down into their mind. I want to make that film happen. I want to do that. I just want to tell story, i want to listen to people’s stories, i want to know them. I want to be either a film director or therapist so I can tell and listen to people. 

Just some other random thoughts i didn’t write down before:

1. when i fight spectrum and how i feel vulnerable and small because i realize there’s no such thing as a citizen vs. a corporation

2. black mirror girl would be a very good film incident if i can put these into a visual form (not just a screenshot to tell the story in a ppt form)

Fun facts/ news for the day:

1. Arthur Miller married Marilyn Monroe?? and his daughter married DDL? is this family literally the magnet of hotness?

2. how you feel rotten inside and how you try to fight against the dark thoughts when you realize you’re being such a horrible person, how the tree vision died, how you feel your hand palm face up placid not because you want to surrender but because you don’t have anything.

3. i should have a voice recorder, so anytime when those strange thoughts fly by, i just record it down and listen to myself. Writing poems would be a good choice because i can just write

this is my second can of beer and I am still listening to the playlist “Serena” and i feel grateful how music can inspire all those emotions out of me and encourage me to pour it out in a healthy way. I had two days without phone and i felt good, in a familiar way, just like when I was conducting the media cut phone cut experience. I don’t want to eat tonight, not because i’m full, but because i don’t want to hang out with the two of them because i have this feeling that it would wear me out. 

1. the hot guy live right next door to me is a cast in Book of Mormon! omg this is seriously insane. 

2. i was running on the street half drunk and lost my shoe, a super kind guy picked it up and put it on for me

3. Kingsman is still hot as ever and guys in a suit is simply irresistible

the fact that hawaiian has already disappeared in my life is just too much to take. I don’t have anything, ANYTHING that can relate me to him even in the slightest way. I don’t mean ANYTHING seriously ANYTHING to him. He’s no longer roommate with Jing and that’s the sole far remote information I can get my hands on and now it’s all GONE. and HE IS GONE. the very one time he appeared a brief half second in Tommy’s instagram story and I literally watched the entire short half second two hundred times- pretending that we still at school and I can probably bump into him walking into some random class and he will still be there on the third floor lounge. But we’re at completely different places now, or to be honest, we’ve never ever in the same place ever, never the citizens of the same universe from the very start. 

I can’t believe i started a playlist for him, and because i don’t want it to be suspicious I have to change all my playlist name to people’s name and i constantly force myself to change the playlist name so i won’t have to see this constant reminder but i just never have the heart to do that. Too cruel on myself overall. So there is always this top playlist name after him reminiscing the first day we met.

I don’t even see what’s the point of meeting any new people. i simply can’t picture anyone that can replace him in the remotest way. This entire city is so freaking busy so freaking crowded full of artists, weirdos and suit and ties, but why is there no one here that can just make him go away. He needs to listen to the same music, he needs to like David Fincher, he need to love Coachella. These stupid ways are just my own deceitful way to convince myself that he isn’t the perfect one. He can listen to Luke Bryan all day and I can start to listen to Luke Bryan if that’s what he like. I am ready to be anything he wants just on cue his one word. I’m ready to change my personality to be any girl, anything that he asks for. But he doesn’t want the girl that change herself into anything he wants. I don’t know what he wants, but he just doesn’t want that. 

但大概就是像ida所说的吧 一个人不要脸一个人卑微所以我才和他对上了 我能不能有一天不卑微了 至少不要卑微给一个都已经不在自己生活里的虚幻人物了 能不能别想他了 能不能哪天就死命的狠下心把歌单名字改了 有没有那天能不在拼命往东边跑以为可以在他公司附近看到他了 但就是 没有为他伤春悲秋不配有憾事 哈哈哈哈哈想来只是演戏给自己看不是吗 演得很辛苦但很自在 一边演一边哭 真是那一线眼泪欠大志

I can’t blame anyone for anything. I can’t take it all it. I think i should just blame it on whatever and however things just goes with the flow and how the flow isn’t going somewhere good. 

If ever fatalism is something concrete and physical I would hold it dearly forever so i can lose the burden of the illusion that I actually have control over life. Any kind of control.

Honestly anything that can be solved with money isn’t supposed to be a big deal but I’m losing too much to the point that I think I’m gonna starve myself for a month to afford anything honestly. And it’s seriously no longer a glitch because I don’t know how to fix anything.