wow, i found this deep in my 2022 files
RMH

2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
One Nice Bug Per Day
Sade Olutola

â

ellievsbear
macklin celebrini has autism
Misplaced Lens Cap
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open

PR's Tumblrdome
DEAR READER
NASA
noise dept.

@theartofmadeline

Janaina Medeiros

titsay

if i look back, i am lost
hello vonnie
sheepfilms

seen from Greece
seen from United Kingdom

seen from Yemen
seen from United States

seen from Russia

seen from Bangladesh

seen from Brazil
seen from Malaysia
seen from Japan
seen from Belgium
seen from Colombia
seen from United States

seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Greece

seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from United States
@valentine-night
wow, i found this deep in my 2022 files

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
Cherry Red
pairing: gator tillman/f!reader wc: 3400 tags: mild-ish sweat/scent kink, oral sex (f receiving), lowkey pussy worship, [unsafe] vaginal sex, shower sex, nipple play, squirting, gator is thirsty af, gator is also a little bit of a menace (so⌠your standard gator). also husband!gator a/n: not saying this is the same couple from Free Show but it just might be &&
Itâs been a long dayâthe Fourth, friends, Gatorâs family and yours.Â
Unbearably hot, despite chasing the twins through the sprinkler.Â
Unbearably hot, even while sucking on the ice pop that Karen brought for each of you.Â
Unbearably hot, especially after Gator sidled up to you, his hand curving over your exposed shoulder, turning you halfway to face him and asking, âCan I get a lick too, sugar?â
Youâd let your tongue swirl around the tip of the pop before pulling it out of your mouth, lips and tongue stained extra-cherry-red, sweet and sticky as you held the popsicle toward him. He smirked, which you caught at the very last moment, and only noticed that he was veering his face toward yours and not the pop, licking into your mouth in full view of your collective group of friends. You kiss him backâitâs Gator, of course you doâbut pull away after what you deem is a few seconds too long to still be considered appropriate.
giggling like a perv
hold on, sweet talking lover (18+)
you just love putting ideas into your cute summer flingâs pretty little head!
contents: s3!steve x reader; handjobs; masturbation; facial (reader receiving)!!!; needy!steve; gender unspecified reader
a note: this was 80% finished and sitting in my drafts for months⌠decided today was a good day to finish it! super short and sweet for u. i hope you like <3
Steveâs so fun to play with. Heâs quick to give in to any and all of your advances. Even when heâs wearing his stupid Scoops uniform, feeling like a goddamn moron while youâre stroking his dick in the break room.
Thereâs an unspoken, but obvious truth: Steve hasnât had sex in months.
oh⌠hi⌠hello⌠hi guysâŚâŚâŚ.. pathetic loser scoops steve i want you so bad
me with you guys (yes you) simping over hot men
thinking about having to go on an annual camping trip with ex boyfriend!gator because you still share all the same friends. youâve been doing a decent job of avoiding one another over the past few months, but youâd be lying if you said you werenât a little bit nervous about being in such close proximity this weekend â especially when itâs clear that gator doesnât intend to ignore you like youâd been planning. instead, he decides to tease you, so by the second hour of the trip, youâve also decided that itâs only fair you play dirty, too.
that means wearing your skimpiest bathing suit when everyone ventures out to the lake, bending down right in front of him so he gets a perfect view of your ass. in retaliation, he cups his bulge while making eye contact with you, making you grit your teeth; a wordless acknowledgement of the game you two are playing.
the rest of the weekend passes by in âaccidentalâ touches â gatorâs hand brushing your ass or him squeezing your hip as he walks past you. you slowly licking a watermelon popsicle and stealing his tee-shirt to throw on after a dip in the lake.
dry chuckles, playful smirks, impatiently waiting for the other to break.
youâd be amiss to say you arenât disappointed that the weekend doesnât end with a heated hookup in one of your tents.
that is, until em, your mutual friend, drops you off at your place after driving back from the campsite. youâre tired, gross, and in desperate need of a long, hot shower. youâre kicking your shoes off and setting your bags down when thereâs a knock at the door. assuming you forgot something in emâs car, you quickly answer it, only for your eyes to instantly widen at the sight of gator on your doorstep.
cocky as ever, vape in hand, his truck in your driveway â like you never even broke up to begin with.
âyou gonna invite me in or what, lil fuckinâ tease?â
ohâŚâŚ. delinchousâŚ

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
hi Lev⌠this morning I am thinking about Steve Harrington and his new freckles⌠he did yard work yesterday and there are four new ones on his jaw⌠I want to call him Stevie and kiss on him and make him blushâŚ. that is all!!!! đŤĄ
sorry this is soo late but ily for this lulu... what started as a smutty drabble abt scent/sweat kink evolved into something very soft... still, 18+ mdni!
.ââ *ăâŚăă.ăâËăâŚă .
You find him in the kitchen, chest heaving where he's bent over the sink. One hand braced against the countertop, the other gripping the edge as cold water streams straight into his mouth.
It spills faster than he can keep up, dripping over the curve of his lips, tracing shiny rivulets down the column of his throat. His neck works with each swallowâslow, heavy gulps that make his Adamâs apple bob.
You watch, mesmerized, as the water escapes his mouth in scattered drops, sliding down his chest and into the damp fabric of his tank top.
The shirt clings to him the way summer clings to skin, thin white cotton turned sheer in places, stuck to the soft swell of his stomach as he breathes through the exhaustion.
Still flushed from being outside all day, the gold-burned tone of someone who overcommitted to the idea of a backyard garden because you mentionedâcasually, just onceâthat homegrown tomatoes would be nice this summer.
Steve Harrington heard that and thought, I should build an entire garden from scratch.
ohâŚ
Congrats on 1Kđ!! You deserve it!
Steve Harrington + smut + #3 + #20
ahhh thank you so much đthat's genuinely so kind of you to say, and thank you for celebrating 1k with me!!
i absolutely love both of these prompts together because they have so much potential for unbearable steve harrington yearning pahah. i immediately started picturing exactly the sort of scene they'd fit into
thank you so much for sending this in, lovely!! i really hope i can do your idea justice <3
come here
Steve Harrington x reader
Prompts: #3. "Look at me." and #20. "Come here before I do something stupid."
Warnings/tags: 18+ ONLY, minors DNI, no use of y/n, friends to lovers, smut, oral (f receiving), fingering, unprotected sex, p in v sex, mutual pining, yearning, idiots in love, so much fluff (lmk if i missed anything)
W/C: 6.4k
A/N: might be my favourite smut scene i've written so far. enjoy!!
Read more of my writing here: [masterlist]
If you want to be added to my taglist, leave a comment to lmk!
Everybody leaves gradually.
Nobody ever seems to notice the exact moment the house empties. One minute the sitting room is still full of overlapping conversations, Eddie insisting he'd absolutely beaten Dustin at something nobody else had been paying attention to, Robin shouting back into the hallway that Steve still owed her one of her VHS tapes, Nancy apologising for dragging Jonathan away before he'd had chance to finish the last slice of pizza while Jonathan looked vaguely embarrassed on her behalf. Then the front door opens one final time, a chorus of half-finished goodbyes follows everybody out onto the driveway, tyres disappear down the street one by one, and the house settles into the particular sort of quiet that only ever seems to arrive after an evening spent with people you love.
Steve lingers in the doorway for a second longer than he really needs to, one hand still resting against the frame as he listens to the silence settling around him. It always surprises him how quickly a room can change once the last person leaves, as though the walls themselves exhale.
"Well," he says eventually.
You look over from where you're collecting empty cans from the coffee table, a smile tugging at the corner of your mouth.
"Well."
Neither of you moves. There isn't any urgency to. There never is.
Movie nights have been ending like this for months now, quietly developing their own little routine without either of you ever acknowledging that one existed. Everyone else heads home eventually, Max usually stealing a handful of crisps on her way out and Mike always forgetting something he has to come back for five minutes later, while you stay behind almost automatically to help Steve deal with the aftermath. He insists he couldn't possibly let you walk home straight away without making sure you'd had another drink first; you insist you can't very well leave him to clean up alone after everybody else has trashed his sitting room. Somewhere along the way, rinsing glasses and throwing away pizza boxes had stopped being a favour and quietly become part of the evening itself.
Neither of you has ever questioned it.
Perhaps because questioning it would mean asking why everyone else leaves together, while you always seem to find one more excuse to stay.
Steve bends to gather the stack of plates balanced precariously on the arm of the sofa while you weave between cushions collecting bottles and abandoned glasses, both of you moving around one another with the easy familiarity of people who've learnt each other's rhythms without ever consciously deciding to. You know which cupboard the mugs live in without asking. He reaches automatically to take the heavier stack from your hands before you even realise you've picked it up. It's all wonderfully, dangerously ordinary.
"I still don't know how Dustin managed to eat that much," you say as you carry an armful of empty bottles through to the kitchen. "I'm honestly starting to think he's got a second stomach."
"Like an alligator?"
You whip your head around to look at Steve, incredulously. "Alligators have 2 stomachs?"
"Yeah, I think so," he chuckles.
You turn back around, heading towards the kitchen, and say with a shrug, "Then, sure, like an alligator."
Steve laughs behind you, the sound warm enough that you smile before you've even turned around.
"I gave up trying to understand that kid about two years ago. At this point I just buy extra food and accept my fate."
His kitchen isn't small by any means, but it's just compact enough that sharing it requires a quiet sort of choreography. One of you opens a cupboard while the other instinctively steps aside. You pass one another in front of the sink often enough that shoulders brush and elbows knock, apologies exchanged more out of habit than necessity.
Tonight, though, every tiny collision seems to linger somewhere beneath your skin.
Steve notices it the first time your fingers brush when you both reach automatically for the same glass sitting beside the sink.
"So-"
oh love
conflict of interest | steve harrington
A conflict of interest arises with your case.
pairing: lawyer!steve harrington x lawyer!reader words: 2.0k contains: (18+ smut!! minors dni) porn with a minor plot, friends with benefits, semi public sex, fingering, mild edging, p in v, unprotected penetrative sex, horse cock harrington, little bit of cum play, hint of breeding kink, dirty talk, pet names (baby, sweet girl), probably lots of incorrect legal stuff, female reader, no use of y/n, she/her pronouns of reader.
author's note: so i watched legally blonde last night and couldn't stop thinking of lawyer!steve. i have no idea how it turned out so dirty but we move
to be added to my 18+ taglist | masterlist | requests page
âFuck, look at you squeezing my fingers, baby,â Steve husks against your neck, teeth grazing the sensitive skin as his eyes watch his slick fingers pump in and out of your dripping cunt. âYou dirty, dirty girl.â
You whimper, the feeling of his fingers curling against your front wall sending heat to every damn nerve in your body. You scramble for purchase against the wall of the bathroom stall, needing something to grab onto but coming up short. Your fingers instead grab onto the front of his tie and pull, making Steve groan and press his body against you. You feel his hard cock pressing against your thigh through his suit trousers and it only heightens your senses.
âStevie,â you mewl, bottom lip pulled between your teeth as you desperately try to stop the wanton moans from spilling out as his tongue lavishes your neck while his digits continue to fuck your soaked pussy.
âYeah, baby? Whatâs the matter?â He coos, smiling against your skin as he scissors his fingers inside of you and you jerk against him in response. âCâmon sweet girl, tell me whatâs wrong.â
He was teasing you, taunting you and you were putty in his hands. Like always.
stood straight up as a svu and general court show enjoyer and mmmmmmmmm mmmmmmm DA steve harringtonâŚâŚ.. YUM
THE MOMENT STEVE TALKED ABOUTâŚ.WHEN HE REALIZED HE HAD A CRUSH ON READER
blaize ilysm
senior year steve for your viewing pleasure
He never told anyone, but school had gotten a lot harder since November of â83. And it wasnât just the headaches, or migraines, or whateverâ it was little things. Like all of the times heâd have to say huh? to the teacher and the rest of the class would laugh. He wasnât trying to be funny, he just couldnât hear.
Heâs get detention for being disrespectful, and heâd go like he actually deserved it. Tommy and Carol were in there a lot, writing sentences the same way he was. I will listen in class. I will listen in class. I will listen in class. Three pages, front and back.
It was letters and numbers swimming in textbooks, and the way words got fuzzy across the room on the chalkboard. When he tried to read Of Mice and Men for a book report, his brain ached as he read the same paragraph four times over before giving up and calling Nancy.
Hey, Nance, youâve read this book, right? I just canât get through it.
And in Anatomy, there you were. Well, you, Carol, and Tina. Theyâd usually talk to him, but when you were around it was like he didnât exist, because apparently acknowledging his existence was a grave offense. âSorry, you know how she is,â Carol would say. âWhen she gets stuck on something, she stays stuck.â
It was getting towards the end of the year, and things just felt wrong. He hadnât even bothered to run for Prom King, even though it had felt like the most important thing in the world just a little over a year prior. His mailbox was filled with rejectionsâ colleges, scholarships, jobs. What kind of schmuck couldnât even get a job at Bradleyâs?
Tommy and Carol were staying, but they had their own thing going. Carol was going to cosmetology school, Tommy would work at his dadâs dealership. Theyâd probably get married soon, and theyâd forget all about their sad, loser friend.
He wanted to know where it all went wrong. He picked at his cuticles while Stacey Cooper presented about the nervous system with one of her cheer friends. Tearing at raw skin in a way that he hadnât done since he was a kid.
Yesterday heâd fumbled his way through a presentation on the cardiovascular system. Heâd actually worked really hard on it, but you couldnât tell from his clunky poster board or the way he had to squint at his own handwriting. When he mispronounced words or read things wrong from his notebook paper and an asshole from the wrestling team laughed, you slapped the guyâs arm and told him to shut the fuck up.
He hadnât been able to stop thinking about it.
Maybe heâd been an asshole. Well, there wasnât a maybe about it. He had been an asshole, he knew that. Heâd been jealous, and possessive and a total narcissistic dickhead. He knew you were into him, and he just couldnât be content with it. He let you follow him like a sad little puppy begging for scraps, and went through girls like that meant nothing. He tossed you aside like you meant nothing.
You deserved to hate him, he knew that. And still youâd defended him so he wouldnât get laughed at in front of the entire class.
When Stacey Cooper sat down to scattered, bored applause, you stood up and carried a pink poster board to the front of the class.
âSo, Iâm going to be presenting about the endocrine system, which basically sends hormones to different organs in our bodies,â you began, with a little tap of your finger on the bubble letters youâd drawn on the board. âAnd Iâm going to be saying testes and ovaries and there are anatomical diagrams on the poster board, so grow up.âďżź
He laughed under his breath and you looked at him for the briefest second. It felt like things just locked into place when your eyes fell on his. You swallowed, pushed your hair back behind your ear, and went onto talking about the obituary gland, or something. It all just turned to cotton candy.
It had been over a year, of course he missed you. But it had never hit him all at once before. He missed your laugh, he missed your music taste, he missed the nights where youâd sneak in through his basement and crawl into bed beside him. He missed clumsily crawling the trellis to your bedroom to do the same.
It was always so comforting, to just lay next to someone without any expectations for more. There was your silent yearning, but you were both more than happy to just share his bed and whisper random thoughts into the night.
You were so frustratingly smart, and stubborn, and beautiful. Heâd always loved you, or else he wouldnât have been so jealous. So why hadnât he just done something about it? Why had he pushed and pushed until you had no choice but to give up on him?
He wanted things to be different. He wanted to go back in time to Junior year, grab himself by the shoulders, and shake. He wanted to fix things, to undo the years of hurt heâd made you endure. To unspool every sour thought in your brain and replace it with something kinder, something true.
Truth: Steve Harrington was a scared boy. Steve Harrington is a scared boy. Steve Harrington is scared of things that are worth being scared of. The government. Monsters. The bright flash of colors behind his eyes when the plate hit his skull, the days where he feels like his brain might implode.
Truth: Youâre standing in the front of the class and youâre smiling as you talk about adrenaline. Youâre wearing a yellow shirt and white keds that you drew flowers on. Your hair keeps falling into your face and he wants to reach into the bottom of his backpack and grab the ponytail holder thatâs been crushed beneath his textbooks since Sophomore year, just for you. Youâre the most beautiful girl he thinks heâs ever seen, ever will see.
Truth: Steve Harrington is an idiot for not loving you back before. Steve Harrington is an idiot for loving you back now.
#wait #holdup #ifeelcrazy #mychesthurts #owwwwww #owowowouch

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
đŹđ¨đđ đŤđđđ¨đ¨đ âľ đŹ. đĄđđŤđŤđ˘đ§đ đđ¨đ§
đđđđđđđ: boyfriend!steve harrington x fem!reader
đđđđđđđ: When your lover's spat with Steve leads to a cold war in the WSQK booth, Robin decides she's had enough and leaves you two alone to work it out. You refuse to say a word to him even when she's gone, but Steve has his ways of getting you to talk.
đđđđ/đđđđđđđđ: 18+, smut (mdni), porn no plot, no use of y/n, established relationship, make-up sex, fingering, thigh riding, unprotected piv, cre*mpie, praise, soft dom!steve, semi-public sex, accidental exhibitionism (?)
đđđđ đđđđđ: 3k
đ/đ: hello! i have two other wips i should be working on but this idea wouldn't leave me alone. hope u like it xoxo
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
You and Steve have been at it all morning.
It started with something stupid. An empty Coke can left on the counter that spiraled into an argument way bigger than it should've been. Names were called. Doors were slammed. It didn't help that your AC unit crapped out right in the middle of a heatwave either, leaving you both sweltering before you'd even stepped out of your shared apartment.
By the time you two make it to the station, you're already giving each other the silent treatment.
oh YUM
đđđđđđđđđ đđđđđđđ
pairing: exboyfriend!steve harrington x fem!reader
word count: 6.8k words
summary: in which you and steve broke up ten months ago but apparently youâre still his emergency contactÂ
warnings:Â epilogue!steve, artist!reader, artteacher!reader, probably inaccurate medical stuff (sue me!), angst angst angst
authorâs note: this became so much longer than i ever expected it to be lmao enjoyđŤśđžđŤśđžđŤśđžđŤśđž
.ăťă.ăťăâăť.ăťâŤăťăăťă. .ăťă.ăťăâăť.ăťâŤăťăăťă.
The call from the hospital came the moment you stepped inside your apartment. You didnât even have time to put your work bag down before the phone in your kitchen began incessantly ringing.
If you hadnât been expecting a call from a friend of a friend about whether or not your art pieces would be making it into her show in two weeks, you probably wouldnât have answered the phone. You had made it a point to always have at least an hour to yourself once you were home after work as a way to decompress; you loved your students and your job, but that didnât mean that it wasnât exhausting sometimes.Â
Within the first few seconds, you learned that you werenât getting a call from Trish, and instead it was a nurse from Hawkins Memorial telling you that Steve was in the hospital and she was calling you because apparently you were his emergency contact.Â
âOh, um, what?â Was all you managed to get out at first because of how confused you were by this abrupt phone call. Â
oh my god i feel sick
i would hate you if i could
this a thank you for 4k followers, love yall đ¤
gator tillman x fem!reader
summary: still living with your ex was the absolute worst. you donât even know what the hell you saw in gator tillman to begin with! but you two should really invest in separate beds.
cw: 18+, minors dni, angst, smut, lots of arguing, oral (both parties receiving), p in v
wc: 5.5k
You and Gator had been broken up for an entire month now. An excruciating month and not because you missed him. No, the complete opposite actually. Because you and Gator still live together. You signed the lease together, it was hard to get out of and well, rent is expensive. You didnât have the kind of funds to move out and neither did Gator. So here you were, separated yet still sharing the same bed.
And it was hell, truly, truly and deeply hell.
Most days, you wondered what the hell you saw in Gator to begin with. The first big argument was about who would sleep on the couch, and you and Gator are equally stubborn so the result was a barrier made of pillows between the two of you. But the arguments increased exponentially. You guys couldnât have a conversation without bickering.
HEAVEN IS HERE
here again ch6 - series masterlist
pairing: gator tillman x fem!reader
summary: after the disaster that was dinner at your mother's house, you find yourself slipping into dangerous bad habits that dig up old feelings. but as your time in lehigh runs out, you begin to wonder if those feelings really are old.
wc: 13.2k
warnings/tags: 18+ mdni, hurt/comfort, angst, lots of domestic fluff bc they deserve it!!, mentions of abuse, struggles of single parenthood, violence and blood,
a/n: apologies for the wait on this one!! i was rlly stuck, but i'm happy with what i finally came up with. 1-2 chapters left for this series, so thank you to everyone that stuck through and my moots for chatting w me about it đ¤
taglist (comment on masterlist to be added): @thesecretoftheswan, @aecd27, @wolfiee10, @officerrrfriendly, @steviaorsugar, @valentine-night, @nosebeers, @acdassenza, @literal-tv-menace, @torntaltos, @luminousdoomsellsworld, @pietrothemovie, @megoshh, @djobug, @eleanor-harrington, @stevesbabe10010, @dopeysunflowers, @bells-bookshelf, @itsdjoverr, @ms-mountebank, @ripmornings, @purplequeen64-stuff, @theshiniestgemstone, @adoreyou-ido, @talesofathirtysomethingnothing, @keerygirlie98, @noorgee, @jamdoughnutmagician, @missyd0ll, @redvelvetcupcke1, @scaramou, @hazzaisonfirelol, @kristywidget97, @jorkingtodjo, @kurtsw7rld96, @s3xytosomeone, @harrystylesgirlie, @lacyiris, @mysticbellie, @omgwoah15, @helaenabugmom, @l-r-fernandez, @4v3rybl0zz0m
You were here.Â
After what felt like a thousand years, you were back where you always belonged â tucked safely under Gatorâs arm, your steady, sleepy breaths rising and falling against him. The early morning sun leaked through the curtains, leaving a warm, hazy glow across your face that made you look like you werenât of this world. The truth was, he wouldâve waited a thousand more to get this sight.Â
When Gator was a little kid, he didnât know the meaning of the word âfriendship.â He was an angry little thing, yelling if someone tried to take his toy, tripping the other boys over so that he could win the race. He didnât care if people cried, he wanted them to feel just like him. Then, when he was ten years old, sitting at the edge of another loud barbecue, you came up to him â the summer sun leaving the same glow you had now, wearing the same smile. And maybe he just decided to agree with your proposal because he was mad at Roy for snapping at him over something or other. But it was the best decision he ever made.Â
Because when he became a teenager, he had you by his side. Everyday, all he thought about was telling you how football training was going, or how the comment Roy made reminded him of you somehow. You were the first person he told when his mother left. And the two of you being young, dumb teenagers didnât talk about it in some healthy way. But skipping rocks at the river with his best friend made the whole situation feel lighter.
Then best friends became something more.Â
And what he felt with you was something he didnât have the words for. Something so good, he didnât believe he could deserve it. Truly, he couldnât believe that you were here right now. He always used to trace your face, because he had to make sure you, his dove â too pure for this world and certainly for him, was actually there. Even when Eden came into the picture, he was sure this had to be some sort of wild fever dream. But he never wanted to wake up.Â
Now, he prayed it was those nine years you were gone from him that were the real nightmare. That this could be reality again. You, him, Eden.Â
And that thought made the restless storm that had wrecked his heart for years simply still. He nuzzled his face even deeper into the crook of your neck, and you stirred a little bit. He had a taste of you again, and now he couldnât hold it in anymore. He placed a trail of slow kisses from your neck down your spine.
From beside him, he heard you take a deep breath. The first thing you did every morning, like it would reset your whole system. You chuckled at the feeling of his lips across your back, turning your head to face him. He shuffled back up so he could meet your eyes, still heavy from sleep. âThink I like waking up like that a lot more than an alarm.â He shared the small smile on your lips, truly earnest. Without missing a beat, he leaned in, pressing his lips to yours. You sighed softly into him, the smile on your lips never vanishing as you kissed him back.Â
When he pulled back, he rested his forehead to yours. âYâknow you still look fucking perfect when you wake up in the morning.â
âYou still have disgusting morning breath.â You scrunched your nose, but leaned in for another kiss anyway.Â
âI mean it. Youâre stunning.â It had always been his favorite time to see you, and he wasnât even sure why. You just looked soâŚpeaceful. He noticed it even more now, because it seemed like you never got peace outside of that. Well, not anymore. Not while he was here. He wasnât going to repeat the same mistakes he did before.Â
.ŕŚËË ŕŁŞ
18 years old.
The sheriffâs department was meant to be fun â chasing down criminals and bringing justice on anyone that dared to cross the police. But so far, all it had been was a series of disappointments strung together only by the fact that Gator had to man up now. One day, he went from working at the farm for some chump change so he could buy Royâs own truck off of him, to having to pay for himself, you, and a baby. And heâd learned, babies were goddamn expensive. Still, it was his responsibility to provide for his family.
He didnât know that meant being locked in the empty building all night, completing the entire departmentâs backlogged paperwork as punishment for showing up ten minutes late to work today. He tried to explain to his father that it was because Eden was throwing a fit and you wanted help, but Roy just shook his head and said that was your problem and he needed to focus on his. He was right. You got to spend your whole day with Eden doing whatever you wanted, you could handle a fit. Meanwhile, his eyes were glazing over as he wrote the same words again and again. He was on his third not-working pen that heâd scrounged from the secretaryâs drawer. Seriously, what did that woman do all day? He groaned as he hit the pen and pushed it down on the paper, trying to force the ink out. Nothing came, so he hit it again and scratched. There was ink in it. He could see it. He was going to get it out if it killed him. He hit and scratched. Hit. Scratched. Again and again and again until a loud ripping sound hit his ears.Â
He blinked down at the tear in the half-written in paper. Great. He was going to have to print it out and start from the beginning. He should have just used a fucking napkin or something. He rushed to toss the form in the bin, but paused. He could already see the next day. Roy spotting the paper. Fishing it out and laughing at Gator in front of the whole department. Instead, he took it and stuffed it deep in his pocket.Â
As he waited for the ancient printer to choke out the sheet â each inch taking a whole minute to appear â his phone rang out. He checked to see it was you. It was dinnertime by now, you should have been at Royâs tonight. Did his dad need something?Â
The moment he put the phone to his ear, your heavy breathing echoed on the other end. âWhatâs up?â He said, giving the printer a hard smack to encourage the paper out. You didnât respond at first, just breathed. âHello?âÂ
âGator?â Your voice shook, but Gator was so absorbed in his frustration with this damn paper he was barely paying mind to it. âCan you-â You paused again. The paper finally came out and he made his way back to his desk. With you on the phone, he couldnât even remember what he was supposed to be writing. He could already imagine his father looming over him, telling him not to get distracted and how slow and useless he was.Â
âIâm real busy right now. Is it an emergency?â He reached for another pen, praying to God that it would work. It didnât.
Still, there was silence on the other end for a long moment. âUh, no. No emergency.âÂ
âAlright, Iâll see ya when I get home then.â He went to hang up the call but the choking sound sound made him stop.Â
âWhen, Gator?â
âI donât know, but itâs gonna be even longer âf Iâm stuck on call.â He snapped.Â
You took a deep breath, the whispered weakly, âYeah, ok, bye.âÂ
He didnât have time to dwell on how small your voice sounded with the pile of paperwork staring down at him with a snarl and the pens with a smug smile. This was for you, he reminded himself. It couldnât have been anything that important. Not anymore than getting this bullshit done. So he shoved the thoughts of you far down, and turned back to the stack.Â
It was fucking 4am when he made it home. His entire body was sore from the hours of being hunched over a desk, fighting against him as he trudged up the stairs of the new house. No matter the shitty day he had, he could be proud of himself that he built this place with his own two hands. Yeah, other people helped, but this was his. Providing for the family just like Roy said. God, as cruel as he was, decided right then to show Gator the truth when his foot slipped on a step, causing a small bit of it to cave in. Fucking brilliant. Another failure to add to the list. Whatever, that was a problem for the version of him that had better rest and free time.Â
He dragged himself the rest of the way, unsure whether this sour mood was ever going to lift.Â
But it did, almost immediately when he turned into your room and saw you laying there on the bed. Flat on your back, head tipped to the side as your eyes fluttered, somewhere far off in your dreams. Eden was curled up on your chest, both of your arms locked tight around her so she wouldnât fall, her tiny figure rising up and down with your breaths. He smiled, leaning against the doorframe for a moment, in disbelief that this got to be his life. Things were shit. But things had always been shit. You two were the least shit part about it. He shuffled to sit on the bed, and as his weight dipped the mattress, you breathed deep. You blinked your eyes open slowly, a sleepy smile across your face as your eyes saw him. He swore his heart stopped at the sight.Â
âYouâre home.â You breathed, almost like you didnât believe it. You scanned his face, spotting the tension in it almost immediately. One arm fell loose from Edenâs sleeping form, reaching out to cup his cheek and he immediately leaned into it. He thought he could fall asleep right there. âWhatâs wrong, baby?âÂ
âJust tired.â He shook his head, pressing a kiss into your palm. As he did, he spotted the smudge of pink across your hand. He took it, inspecting the splotches. âYou have a fistfight with a Care Bear?âÂ
You chuckled a little. âThatâs what it felt like trying to get this one down.â You pressed a soft kiss to Edenâs head. âGotta get her back before I crush her.â You sighed, sitting up but trying your best not to disturb her. She let out a small babble, fisting into your shirt a bit tighter and both you and Gator held your breath. If she woke up, you knew the few hours of sleep the two of you were going to get were over. Your eyes adjusted to the clock on the nightstand and widened. âTwo hours. Thatâs a record for her.â He took you in then. Your hair a mess, eye bags deep and the spit up covering your top. Nothing like how peaceful you had been just moments ago. Yeah, things werenât so easy back here either.Â
Though he probably shouldâve been showering off his disaster of a day, he was simply following right behind you into Edenâs nursery. And when he saw the walls, he stopped dead in his tracks. Pink covered all four from head to toe, the butterflies painted like they were flying across the room. âHoly shit.âÂ
âI was bored last week,â You placed Eden gently down in her crib, hands raised in silent prayer as you took a step back. When she didnât wake up, you almost jumped with excitement. âI hope you like it.â You turned to him with the most expectant eyes. He couldnât speak, taking in the sight still. âGator.â You tried, grazing his arm slightly.Â
Quickly, he was brought back to the present. âNo, yeah, I love it justâŚâS it ok for her to be sleeping in here?âÂ
Your lips faltered a bit. âI finished painting this a few days ago. Everythingâs dry now.â And that slammed him like a truck. How had he not even known that you were painting this? Had he really not stepped into his own daughterâs nursery in over a week? Had he missed so many nights that he hadnât even noticed she wasnât sleeping in there?Â
âThenâŚâ He pointed to the pink paint on your hands, desperate to hope that surely, you had been wrong.Â
âLet me show you something.â You quickly tugged him out of the room and back to yours.
âBaby, what-â You crouched by the laundry hamper, stuffed to the brim with Gatorâs work clothes, and pointed to the wall next to it. A smaller pink painting. Not a painting, just words that lined the trim of the floor. He crouched down, finger running over them.Â
âEdenâs first smileâ
âEdenâs first crawlâÂ
Each with a respective date next to it.
âYou can always lose a book, I wanted to keep it somewhere weâd remember forever.â You explained. âI realized I had to do it today.â Thatâs when his finger ran over the pink bumps that read âEdenâs first word, dadaâ with todayâs date. He choked on something he couldnât name, tears threatening to sting at his eyes, though he would never tell you that.Â
âDid she really?â You had just formed the nod when he was throwing his arms around you, baby spit up be damned. It was strange how quickly his mood could fly the other way, by something as simple as that. Two syllables.Â
But it was tearing him apart, that he missed it. He pulled back. âIs that why you called me?â Your smile completely dropped then, but he was so caught up in his own emotions he didnât notice. âYeah. Totally.â You smiled, before he was hugging you again, buzzing with joy. âMamaâs the one who was home, but she only calls for her dad.â You joked into his shoulder. At least, he thought it was a joke, because you laughed when you said it.Â
He found out the next day that there had been another fight between Roy and Nadine. This time, during dinner, it happened in front of you and Eden. You had tried to calm Eden down, who was crying at the noise, while also checking on Nadine. Which led to Roy then screaming at you, and shoving you out the door. And he only found any of that out, because Roy had rolled his eyes as he recounted the incident to Gator, saying that he liked you, but Gator needed to teach you not to worry about other peopleâs business. Neither of the women that were actually hurt said a word. And worse, Gator never brought it up again.
What was he meant to do? It was Roy Tillman, after all.Â
.ŕŚËË ŕŁŞ
Sometimes, he still heard that same voice, like Roy was puppeteering him from beyond the grave and he was just letting it happen. His mind drifted to the other day. The meeting with the lawyer. The letter placed into his palm that had somehow been lost during the mess with the will.Â
âYouâre somewhere else right now.â You hummed, running a familiar hand overtop of his head as you pushed back the strands in his face. He didnât realize how much he had craved that feeling until he had it.Â
âNo, baby.â He kissed you again, fierce this time like that would fix it. âRight here. Wanna stay here forever. I love you.â He swallowed as the words spilled out of him. He wasnât an idiot. Neither of you had talked about what this meant, and he knew he was laying it on thick, but he couldnât stop it. This time, he absolutely noticed the way your smile didnât quite reach your eyes. How your mouth opened, about to say something but was cut off with the knock of your door.Â
âMom?â
Just like that, everything else vanished. Both of you snapped up, sharing a silent look. Eden couldnât find out yet, and definitely not like this.Â
âYeah, hon, just give me a second.â You called, as both of you leaped out of the bed, scrambling for your clothes. Your eyes darted from one side of the room to the other, trying to figure out where to hide Gator. Suddenly, you were chastizing yourself for never keeping big things in here. The ensuite itself was too small to hide in, and if Eden even tried to open the door, she would spot Gator immediately.
âAre you okay in there?âÂ
âYeah, justâŚIâm in the bathroom?â You tried as Gator buttoned his shirt at record speed. His lips curved up and he couldnât stop what was coming. A laugh. A laugh you couldnât afford Eden to hear. You jumped forward, slapping your palm across his mouth. He couldnât help but remember that time you and Gator were hooking up in his basement, and Roy had almost discovered you. Your eyes went all wide just like now, slapping a palm over his mouth, and still, you couldnât focus on anything but each other.Â
âHave you seen Dad? He wasnât on the couch.â Gatorâs heart stopped at her voice. She knew him now. Enough to be worried about him. âUmâŚâ You eased your palm off Gatorâs mouth, searching for an answer. âWork!â You shouted, mimicking the words he mouthed. âEarly morning shift.â Thatâs when your eyes drifted to the window, and the idea washed over you both at the same time. You shuffled there, pushing it open. Gator looked out the window, scanning for the point he could land his foot. Itâs not like this was new, but he hadnât done it God knows how long. He pushed his leg through the window first, finding his footing on the roof until he was all the way through. Before he left, you grabbed his hand where it was holding onto the windowsill. âYou going to be ok?â You whispered.Â
âPractice.â He smiled, leaning in for one more peck on your lips which you gladly gave him.
The way his heart pounded out of his chest made him feel like an idiotic seventeen year old that didnât know anything except you. Really, how much had changed?Â
Enough to make it work this time, he prayed.Â
.ŕŚËË ŕŁŞ
âOk, you can come in, sweetie.â You called, rushing over to the bathroom to make it look as if you had just walked out of there.Â
As the door swung open, you noticed how tired she looked. She must have had a late night, which you werenât complaining about. Though you should have been. âHad a fun night?â You smiled, straightening up your messed up hair, praying to god she wouldnât notice the way the bed was all messed up on both sides for once. All this time, even when you did get a bigger bed, you never had found it in you to cross that invisible line. It seemed like Eden didnât notice though, her eyes instead carefully focused on you.Â
âYeah, it was fine.â She shrugged, and you immediately felt yourself tense. âHow about you? I meanâŚAre you feeling better?âÂ
âYeah, a lot better.â And you actually thought you might mean it soon enough.Â
âMomâŚâ Eden looked down at her feet, her eyes flicking down to her fingernails. âWhat happened last night?â In that moment, of course, it was Gatorâs voice that came to you. âYâ need to stop lying to her. Everyone.â That was much easier said than done.Â
You pressed your lips into that tight smile. âItâs fine now hon. I have to get ready for work.â Eden looked at you for a long moment, blinking her eyes, mouth open like she wanted to say something. But she shut it quickly, shaking her head.Â
As she slinked away, she revealed the wall right behind her. The small hole that had been created there. Fine. Yeah, sure, that twisting in your chest was nothing. You dropped your gaze, took three deep breaths and sped out of the room as fast as possible.Â
.ŕŚËË ŕŁŞ
At Daveâs, you tried your best to focus on the work. Take orders, bring them out, smile, make nice. It should have been simple, right? But no matter what you tried, last night was chipping away at you bit by bit. When you took down orders, you got flashes of Malcolm and his furious face, when you tried to smile, you saw Gator and Edenâs terrified eyes as they saw you at your lowest, when you cleaned up tables, you felt his touch and his sweet words echoing through your brain.
He thought about you everyday. Every single day. Meanwhile you had been trying to push him as far out of your brain as life would let you. Replace him with a man that turned out the way you should have expected. How? How had this happened?Â
Your break came and you almost didnât want to be let off, having nothing else to keep your brain busy. Out in the summer air that was slowly beginning to chill up, you pulled out your phone. Three missed calls from Malcolm since this morning and more text messages. You hadnât taken your phone off silent for this exact reason. You opened the messages.
Malcolm 8:05am - Iâm sorry I blew up at you, please answer your phone.Â
Malcolm 10:23am - Seriously we need to talk about last night. Â
Malcolm 11:46am - Please babe. You know we canât just leave it like this.Â
Malcolm 11:48am - I just us want to fix this.Â
You almost laughed. Fix this? How on Earth were you meant to possibly fix this? Your heart stopped again as you thought about his fist. The cracking sound of the wall. That couldâve been your face. That couldâve been Edenâs face. A small clattering noise inside made you jump, your blood running cold instantly. When you turned and peered through the window, you realised it was just Jessica dropping a fork. You hadnât been this jumpy since the last time you saw Roy Tillman.
You watched Jessica recover like nothing happened, smiling with those bright red lips, and you couldnât help but think about what sheâd said the other week. They had a bet running on how long it would take you and Gator to get back together. They knew. Everyone knew. How could you blame Malcolm for being mad when he was right in the end? You were selfish for keeping all those secrets from him, and you had wanted Gator. Even you knew in that moment that what you were spewing was lies. And Malcolm had been so good to you this entire time â he had taken care of Eden and heâŚHeâŚWell, you were going to marry the man, for Godâs sake.
You paused again, something else hitting you deep in the chest. This is how Mom thought about it. This is how she always forgave Dad. You felt something brewing in your stomach thinking about all of it. You were a traitor and a failure. But still, above everything else, you saw that hole in the wall. You couldnât face him right now.Â
Your hands shook as you typed it out.
I need some space.Â
Immediately, the three dots showed up on your screen and your throat tightened. They vanished just as quick. They appeared again, vanished again. A small heart appeared over your text bubble. And that was it.
This was good, right? This was Malcolm out of the way. Something less you had to think about. You knew you couldnât just end things with him over messages, and youâd have to see him again when you gave him his stuff. But you werenât ready for the conversation either. This was the compromise. Just as you went to place your phone far, far away from you, you spotted a missed call from Gator. And a voicemail. You couldnât deny the way your skin buzzed as you quickly clicked play.Â
âHey, baby.â You had noticed it this morning too. How quick he was to call you that again. Even more so, you had noticed how it warmed a part of you that had been buried deep, hearing it from his mouth. âIâm at work right now, but I just- Know you are too, but I had to call you causeâŚâ He breathed heavy through his nose and for a second, all you could hear was the buzz of the police scanner and the engine as he drove. He was flustered. Gator was flustered, trying to get it out. âLast nightâŚâS all I can think about. I mean shit.â He laughed to himself like he couldnât believe it. âI know itâs tough with Eden ân everything, but, I really just wanna give us another shot. I- Swear if I wasnât dreaming, that was the best way Iâve woken up ever and I justâŚI wanna keep that.â Those words reached through that hole in your chest and grabbed your heart. You wanted it too. The feeling of being in his arms, the way his breaths mixed with yours, the look in his eyes. âAnyways, Iâll see you tonight, yeah? Bye, Dove.âÂ
Then there was silence, but you couldnât stop staring into nothingness, the phone still pressed to your ear. You looked down at the voicemail, now added to the collection in your phone, the date far later than the rest, and the message you could never imagine. No longer was it a memory that you would dig up every time you felt like staining your hands with dirt that had never washed away in the first place. It was something precious that deserved to see sunlight. And suddenly, the push and pull of your mind just stilled.
You wanted Gator. Youâd always wanted Gator.
The rest of the day sped by without much issue, that voicemail playing in your head like a grounding force. You had people who care about you. You werenât a complete failure. Still, when you threw the front door of the house open, you were so ready to get out of your sweat soaked, grease-stained work clothes that you only acknowledged the figure in the kitchen with a small âHi,â as you rushed up the stairs.Â
You grabbed the first item of clothing you could find, eyes focused on the en-suite door as you sped inside and shut it. Once you were showered and in a much more comfortable set of clothes, you stepped back to your bed. And as you did, you felt it again. That tightening in your chest, the way your throat began to close slightly. And you knew why. You dared to raise your eyes to the spot on your wall. You couldnât believe what you saw. The cracked indents that lead to darkness were completely gone and in their place, a small patch of white that was a few shades darker than the rest.
You couldnât stop the smile that came across your face as a small laugh fell from your lips, rushing downstairs as fast you could. Halfway down the steps, your foot caught on the edge of the caved in wood, and you slipped down to the bottom with a small squeal.Â
You blinked aggressively, your world quickly coming back into focus. The first thing you saw was Gator crouched over your body, panic in his eyes as he scanned you.Â
âShit. Are you ok?â His hands hovered above you, like he was terrified of hurting you further. But you werenât hurt at all. Not when you spotted the white flecks that dotted his fingers. âIt was that step, wasnât it? I swear-â
âGator?â
âYeah, what can I do, hon? What can I-â
âIs Eden home?âÂ
His body stilled, squinting his eyes in confusion before he shook his head at you. âSheâs coming back from her friendâs house in an hour.âÂ
âThatâs enough time.â
âFor wha-â You grabbed him by his shirt, pulling him down to your lips before he could finish the question. He let out a small noise of surprise but you felt his lips curl up as he quickly kissed you back, his arms wrapping around you so he was cushioning your head from the step. You tried to deepen the kiss but he pulled away, the biggest smile still lingering on his face. âUh-uh. Ice first.â He began to stand, helping you up with him.Â
âIâm fi-â You were cut off by your own wince when you felt the throbbing pain where your back had collided with the steps. âYeah, ok.â You sighed. âIce sounds good.âÂ
When you were grabbing the frozen peas from the kitchen, you noticed the items laid out on the island haphazardly and the filled pot on the stove, switched off. Spices, sauce, meatballs, andâŚpasta. Gator had been making dinner. Nadineâs pasta, despite how that had turned out last time.Â
He immediately went back to work, mixing the pasta into a pan with sauces. You could imagine yourself right there. Hearing the front door open, his boots trudging through the living room, the pause as he greeted Eden. Feeling his arms wrapping around your back, the smell of gun smoke mixing with the aromatic spices. Then heâd settled back and just watched you, unable to speak the words about his need for you after a shitty day, but his eyes saying it all.Â
Now, it was your turn to watch. Your turn to be grateful, too. He switched off the stove, and dipped a spoon in, practically shaking with eagerness to taste it.You smirked a little, watching him burn his tongue as he tried. âWell, from what I did taste, itâs better than last time.â He smirked, stepping back with pride beaming across his face. âAnythingâs better than the last attempt though.âÂ
You snorted. âLucky I fell after you cooked the pasta this time.âÂ
You expected him to laugh along with you but he turned with his eyebrows scrunched together. âYouâre okay though, right?â âGator, itâs just a little bump.â
âYâ say that about everything.â It was such a simple sentence but it hit you somewhere deep in your chest. He stepped forward a little, reaching for your hand. âDoveâŚI wanna be good tâ you, but I canât if you donât tell me things.â
You faltered, swaying just slightly in your spot. âIt doesnâtâŚâ You breathed heavy through your nose, looking to your feet. âIt wouldnât have made a difference if I told you before.â You really didnât want to start a fight barely a night after you finally found each other again, but it was true. He didnât get defensive though, just reached for your face to guide your gaze towards him.Â
âIâm tryinâ to fix that.â He looked at you with his eyes crinkled slightly â whispering that silent âplease,â that deafened you. He was trying. But he couldnât make this work on his own. Just like you couldnât back then.Â
You took a deep breath, opening your mouth even though you werenât quite sure what was going to come out.Â
Thatâs when the front door opened.Â
The two of you snapped apart like a rubber band, both of you spinning toward the hallway where Eden approached.
âHi, hon.â You coughed out, honestly a little dizzy from how fast you moved. âHow was your day?â âKind of boring.â She sighed, taking the bowl of pasta that you had no idea when Gator prepared for her and sitting at the table. He handed you yours and moved to follow you when he spotted spilt peas on the ground, scooping them up.Â
âYou gonna need these again?â He questioned, the slightest waver in his voice.Â
At the shake of your head, you watched the tension in shoulders loosen a little and he joined you two at the table. You bit back a smile as he shuffled his chair just slightly closer to you than usual. But quickly, it vanished when you looked to your other side and saw Edenâs crumpled up face as she looked at you. Had she already figured you two out? âEden, honey, whatâs wrong?â You attempted to play cluelessness.Â
âWhat did you need that for?â She indicated to the freezer where Gator had returned the ice.Â
You breathed a sigh of relief at the question. âOh, itâs nothing to worry about.â You tried placing a hand on hers but she was reaching for her fork at lightning speed.Â
Then, you felt a hand on yours under the table. Â Â Â Â Â
You glanced to Gator. That silent âpleaseâ. You werenât sure why it broke you as much as it did. You looked back to Eden and sighed. âI slipped down the stairs. Just hurt my back.â Gatorâs face didnât change but he squeezed your hand, a small âthank youâ just for you.Â
âOkay.â Eden nodded. All of you fell into silence for a moment as you went back to your food. Why did it feel so hard to admit you were hurt by something like that? But you did it. Baby steps. After a second, Eden turned to you, a small smile across her lips. âJust let me know if you need help walking, grandma.âÂ
And just like that, the tension in the room vanished. âI am not a grandma!â You chuckled.Â
âI dunno, Mom. Tripping over things, hurting your fragile old bones.â Eden shrugged, the smiles on both your faces growing. âSeems like grandma behavior to me.â
âI only tripped cause your dad still hasnât fixed that step.â You turned to Gator, more teasing than accusing.Â
He laughed too. âHey! I⌠Ok, yeah, I got no excuse.â The banter flowed between the three of you easily the rest of the night, that constant weight on your shoulders slightly lifted. Gatorâs hand held onto yours the rest of the night too, a sweet, grounding gesture that just reminded you he was there. That maybe, you hadnât ruined everything.
.ŕŚËË ŕŁŞ
The two of you spent the next week exactly like that â teenagers, sneaking around behind Edenâs back, giggling and savoring any tiny moment you had together.Â
During your break at work, Gator was swinging by for surprise visits with fresh food and a very inviting car. When Eden was out with her friends, the two of you would be rushing up to your bedroom without a moment to spare.
In the middle of the night, when the bed began to feel too cold, you would sneak downstairs and find that Gator was already awake, waiting on the couch for you. His favorite thing wasnât having sex with you, not at all. Most nights, you simply enjoyed being near each other, without all the bad blood flooding the air. And any chance he got, his hands would be on you â arms around your waist or fingers interlocked with yours. Once, as you, Gator, and Eden were on the couch watching a movie together â another thing you found yourself doing more â he shuffled his hand towards you, pinky creeping over yours.
Every morning, one of you would have those coffees ready, the sugar stocked to the brim whenever you checked. Everything was. You thought back to the day you reopened this house. His promise to be around this time was actually panning out.Â
Even when he had late night shifts or last minute emergencies, you knew it was nothing like before. Sometimes, though, your fears did get the better of you, ending up half-asleep on the couch in the middle of the night, waiting up for him.Â
.ŕŚËË ŕŁŞ
21 years old.Â
The ranch was always alive, even late into the night. Either there were animals making noise, deputies running around, or secret deliveries that you never dared to question. Youâd learned to sleep through all the noise now, nothing compared to the cries of a newborn Eden. If you wanted to, you could slip into bed at any moment and let the ever-present exhaustion pull you under into sleep.Â
And yet, most nights, you didnât move from that living room couch, waiting until you could see Gator safe and sound in front of you. And it was there you were laying, inches away from succumbing to sleep, when the knock of the door rang out. You pounced to your feet instantly, every tired bone in your body vanishing. It was probably just Gator forgetting his key, you assumed, making a break for the door.Â
But when you saw who was behind it, you froze. It was Roy, a knowing smile on his face as he stepped inside before you could even move out of the way.Â
âHey, sweetheart.â He greeted, his eyes scanning over the place quickly and carefully taking note of everything. You saw the flicker when he noticed one of Edenâs toys still on the living room floor, and the pillow that had fallen from the couch when you sprung up. He stepped forward, and the moment he took the soft material in his hands, you swore it turned to stone. âMy boy giving you some troubles?â He snorted, spreading himself wide on the couch so he was taking up the whole thing.
He tossed the pillow behind him with one hand, his eyes still hyper focused on the toy on the ground. He did this sometimes, barging into your home to assess that it was all operating to his satisfaction. That you were being a good wife, that no one was disgracing him. You shook your head at his question, unable to form the words as you leaned down for the toy. It was funny. Once upon a time, you looked at Roy as this mythological hero, the ranch a faraway dreamland. You thought this was somewhere you could escape to when your house got too much. âWhy have ya got a pillow down here then?âÂ
You swallowed hard. âJust waiting till he gets back.âÂ
He let out a grunt that somehow translated to a laugh. âGlad you didnât take after Nadine.â You could feel his eyes dragging over you, dressed only in one of Gatorâs shirts and a pair of sweatpants. âYou miss him, hm?â You didnât respond, folding your arms over yourself like that would shield you from his judgement. âDonât tell me youâve lost your pretty little voice.â He cooed, tilting his head.Â
âYes.â You managed. âEden hasnât seen him all day.â You blinked, eyes dropping down to where you were picking at your fingernails. If you looked at him any longer, you were pretty sure he would notice the way you were shaking. Maybe he already did.Â
He breathed through his nose, standing up again, like his assessment was done. âDonât worry yourself too much. Heâs doing what he has to.â The closer he got towards you, the more your chest twisted. He paused in front of you, barely leaving space between your bodies. Everything in you tensed as he suddenly grabbed your wrist, yanking it down. âThatâs a nasty habit.â He indicated to your fingernails. âGator better get you to stop.â You bit your tongue, just watching as he turned around like nothing happened, and exited. As the front door shut, you let out the breath that you had been holding the entire time he was there.
Gator didnât come home that night either.Â
.ŕŚËË ŕŁŞ
âHey.â A hand rested on your shoulder, shaking you awake lightly. You blinked your eyes, seeing Gator leaned above you, confusion evident even in the dark. âWere you waitinâ up for me?âÂ
You lips curled up slightly. âMaybe.âÂ
He let out a disbelieving breath as his eyes flicked back and forth across your face. And before you knew it you were being scooped up into his arms as he pressed his lips against you in a bruising kiss. You smiled against it, letting your arms find his shoulders, as he took all the breath from your lungs. When he pulled away, he rested his forehead to yours. âI missed seeing ya after a shitty day.â He said, his fingers trailing lightly up your waist.Â
âYou had a shitty day?â You cupped his face.
âOh, it was nothinâ.â He pulled back, taking a seat next to you on the couch as you made the space. And you remembered something then. It was both of you. Shrugging it off, pretending like everything was fine when it really didnât feel it.
âGator.â You slid your hand into his, and it was your turn to do the pleading eyes. âYou were right. If weâre going to do this again, we need to be honest with each other.âÂ
He nodded, closing your palm with both of his hands and squeezing it tight. âBeinâ a sheriffâŚItâs not what I thought. When I saw Dad do it, it all seemed so easy. Everyone treated him like a king. Whenever I try to be like that, deputies look at me like Iâm not even a man.
âGator, why do you think they acted that way with your dad?â
âRespect?â He shrugged, and you simply shook your head. âFear.â He said next. The truth of it.Â
âDo you want your squad to be scared of you?â You held your breath as you waited for the answer, because you never could know with him. He shook his head, thankfully. âSo, get their actual respect. Cory likes you cause youâve helped him with Hayden before. Treat them like the humans they are.âÂ
âI mean, that can only go so far.âÂ
âFurther than trying to imitate your father?â He smiled, pulling you into his shoulder. âYouâre damn good at this advice stuff.âÂ
âHmâŚâ You wrapped your arms around his side. âI could have told you that years ago.â You felt his gaze drop to you for a long moment.Â
âWould you hate me if I said I miss him?âÂ
âRoy?â You squinted your eyes, but they softened immediately when he nodded. âGator.â You said, the sound breaking him. âOf course not. He was your father, why would I everâŚIâm so sorry I never asked. How you were dealing with it all.âÂ
âI donât know, itâs weird not havinâ him around. Dad wasâŚWell, he was Roy Tillman.â You chuckled, understanding exactly what that meant. âWhat do you do when something that big justâŚstops existing?â You clenched your jaw, no idea what to tell him. âWithout him here, it feels like- Like Iâve been in the dark my whole life, and that blindfold is finally being lifted, and I can see this place for what it really is.âÂ
âGatorâŚâ You squeezed him, tucking your head under his chin. Throughout both your lives, Roy had been the guiding force. Not a good one, but the only one either of you had. Youâd always known how hard it was for Gator to refuse his father. Heâd been under Royâs thumb since he was born â always living on the ranch, always working under him. It was awful, but half the time he couldnât think for himself. He never learned how. Now, out of nowhere, heâd been thrown into the deep end.Â
âThink I kinda liked when I was blind.âÂ
You breathed deep for a second, that comforting smell hitting your nostrils. The one you had always wished would just stick around. So you decided, again, to be honest. âI didnât.âÂ
His chest rose and fell in a deep breath, your head moving with it. As he rubbed up and down your arm, he whispered. âYou know what I was thinkinâ about on the way home?â
âWhat, Gator?âÂ
âI canât remember the last time we went out. Like proper. And Edenâs got a sleepover tomorrow.âÂ
You lifted your head, squinting your eyes. âGator Tillman, are you asking me on a date?â
âYeah.â His eyes were filled with the same look he gave you when heâd asked you to marry him â hope and hint of worry that you would say no. It helped this time, that the words were coming out of his mouth, completely of his own volition.Â
You smiled, pressing your lips to his, sweet and reverent. âThat would be great.â
.ŕŚËË ŕŁŞ
You were right. Since the two of you were ten years old at that barbeque, and you told Gator not to bother the animals on the ranch for his own amusement, you had been right.Â
The next afternoon, sitting in the bar with his deputies laughing around him, he definitely remembered that. Being like Roy didnât help anyone, but Gator still knew these men, and the easiest way to get them onside was putting a little alcohol in their system. Heâd even gotten Pauline to slip a non alcoholic beer into a glass for him so he could drink along with them. Sure enough, some beer and a few friendly darts games later, the deputies had actually opened up to him.Â
Gator pulled into the ranch, a comfortable buzz in his mind and he didnât even need the alcohol. He finally felt really, truly good. The deputies were on his side, he and Eden were actually talking at the ice cream parlor, and for once, his fatherâs ghost wasnât steamrolling his every decision. And now he had you.Â
Of course, thatâs when he spotted the other car parked out front of the house. And the man standing at the door. It was official, God hated him. And he couldnât blame Him.Â
But he damn sure could the dickhead standing at the front door.Â
Gator threw his car door open, not caring if it flew right off its hinges.Â
âWhat the fuck are you doing here?â His skin crawled as he stormed towards Malcolm.Â
Malcolm turned, puffing out his chest the moment he spotted Gator. âIâm here to talk to my fiancĂŠe.â Gator felt his insides twist at the word. A week ago, you were ready to marry this guy.Â
âSheâs not home.â He muttered out, hoping the way he spat out the words was enough for Malcolm to get the hint.
âWhen will she be?â
âShe doesnât want to see you.â
âDid she tell you that herself?â
Gatorâs jaw tensed. âShe doesnât want to talk to the piece of shit that was inchesaway from punchinâ her in the fuckinâ face.â You had barely told him about that night, but with shaking hands you admitted that you got in a fight and then he did that to the wall. But it couldâve just has easily been you. And if it had, Gator wouldnât have even been able to find the hint of calmness he was gripping onto now.Â
Malcolm rolled his eyes. âShe told you that?â He sighed. âI canât believe her sheâs-â âPick your next words real carefully.â Gator breathed, taking another step towards him. He felt his nails cutting crescents into his palm as he unconsciously tightened his fist. No fights. No being Roy. âLeave.â He spat, whipping his hand to Malcolmâs car.Â
He only sighed. âLook asshole, Iâve been stuck in this shithole for a week, at least let me get my stuff.âÂ
Gator thought about Malcolmâs shirts still hanging in your closet, his rigid suitcase sat at he bottom, the planner still sitting on the nightstand under Gatorâs lamp. He needed it out. No more Malcolm, no more Chicago, just you.
âStay here.â Gator unlocked the door, slamming it before Malcolm even tried to get inside. Faster than he had ever moved before, he rushed up the steps, stuffing the boring beige slacks and plain button downs back into the black leather haphazardly. He was even faster running down the stairs and opening the door again. He tossed the suitcase across the yard, tumbling through the dirt until it landed at Malcolmâs wheel. âThere. Now leave.â
Malcolm just crossed his arms and planted his feet square in the grass. Gatorâs hands flinched again, ready to shove him back into the car. âDid you hear me?!â He stepped forward. âGo. Home.â
âI need to see her. And Iâm not leaving until I do.âÂ
His heart sped up. How dare he? How dare he think he could just walk up here, talk shit about you, and then see you again? âYou need to stop botherinâ her.â
âDid she tell you that herself?â It was Malcolmâs turn to step forward, smug grin hanging on his face. âBecause she told me that she just needed some space for a bit. Well, I gave it to her and now I wanna talk.â Gatorâs heart stopped. Space? Space? That dude punched a hole in the wall â Gatorâs wall â and you were going to entertain a conversation with him?Â
Malcolmâs eyes moved across Gatorâs face. His weight shifted from one foot to the other as he let out a laugh. âOh my god. You two areâŚâ He shook his head. âI knew it. I fucking knew it. How long has she been screwing you behind my back?â âShe hasnât-â
âTwo years I wasted and she cheats with your sorry ass. I shouldâve known with someone like that-â
âHey!â Gator shouted. His arm raised, ready to swing but his mind caught it right before.Â
âNo.â Malcolmâs arms flew as he spoke. âYou need to hear this, man! Sheâs the most emotional, manipulative, lying-âÂ
âStop.â Gator tried taking another step. Malcolm barely moved, words shooting out of is mouth like little bullets that hit the thin shield of patience Gator had up.
âShe cut you out her life once! Didnât talk about you for nine years, not even to her own daughter. I only found out your name the week before they came here.â Gator shook his head. None of that was true. âWhat? You think because she gave you a few phone calls with Eden she cared? Wake up, Gator! The second she feels like it, sheâs ditching you and taking your daughter with her! All she ever thinks about is herself. Iâm not fucking sorry for getting mad when sheâs the most selfish bitch Iâve ever-âÂ
Gator couldnât stop it. He swung. Full fist, with all the force he possibly could. Malcolm stumbled back, blinking back ferociously like he couldnât process it. âWhat the fuck man?â Malcolm didnât have time to react because Gator was hitting him again. Not hitting. Tackling. The punch came right after theyâd both hit the ground. Malcolm managed to grab his shoulders, pushing so that he was on top. Then Gator again. Malcolm kicked at Gatorâs hand. Gator pinned his shoulder down.Â
The two went tumbling across the yard â dirt kicking up in their faces as they threw punches and kicksâ until they landed next to Malcolmâs suitcase, Gator managing to loom over Malcolmâs body.Â
âShut the fuck up!â Gator balled his fists into Malcolmâs shirt, slamming his head against the ground. âShut up about my fuckinâ wife do you hear me?!â Malcolm blinked up at him in disbelief, his blood-stained mouth falling open. Gator hit before anything could come out of it. Pulled Malcolm straight to his face so he could feel the venom in each of his words. âCome near her again, and I will fuckinâ rip your throat out with my bare hands. Got it?â His chest heaved, one hand still clutched tight into Malcolmâs shirt. He didnât let go until he got the slow nod from Malcolm.
âGood.â With a breath, he dropped Malcolm back to the ground and stood up. âNow get off my daughterâs ranch.â It took all the distance between where Gator stood and the door to hear the squeal of Malcolmâs tires peeling out of there. He looked down at his knuckles, cuts open again. No fights. Yeah, right. How could he not when assholes like that existed? Besides, you didnât need to know about this. He had done his job. Kept you safe, for once.Â
.ŕŚËË ŕŁŞ
Gator didnât move from the couch all evening, Malcolmâs words spinning around his brain like a tornado. How much did he really know about you? About Eden? Over the past nine years, heâd called a handful of times, and it had always been the same. You wouldnât greet him before you handed the phone to Eden. As he scoured his mind, he couldnât think of your job. Not even whether you liked it or not. And with Eden, the two of them would talk about nothing for five minutes before she would make some excuse to leave. Heâd watched his daughter grow up through a screen. Had to bite his tongue as she called another man her father, even if it was just for a moment. He didnât even know about the months she spent in a play until you came here.
He didnât know his own daughterâs dreams. Even back then, heâd thought heâd known you, inside and out. His body was shaking as he remembered it. Returning home that night. Going upstairs and seeing your room empty. Then Edenâs. Finding the note on the coffee table. He could pinpoint the exact moment his heart shattered into pieces. âI donât feel safe here.â What if it happened again? The two of you had been spending the past week in a make-believe bubble but you hadnât even talked about it. Whether you wanted to stay. You were being indecisive about that. But this was right â the way things were now â and he couldnât handle the thought of that being torn away from him again.Â
When you and Eden finally returned home, he got one look at Eden, practically bouncing into the house, and pushed it all back. âHey.â He smiled, tucking his hands into his pockets as he met you at the doorway. âHow was your day?â
Eden turned to Gator, fighting everything in her not to smile too hard as she responded, âGoodddd.âÂ
The way she stretched out the word made Gator raise his eyebrows. âWhy was it so gooddd?â He mimicked.Â
âOh, no reason.â She shrugged. âJust came from a visit to the high school.â Gator paused, eyes immediately shooting to you. You matched Edenâs barely held back smile. Did that mean what he thought it meant? âIâm starting there in a week!â Eden squealed.Â
And just like that, all the paranoia just vanished. You wanted to stay. He didnât have to worry about if you were leaving, whether you were only tolerating him because you had to, if you were going to change your mind. You were choosing this, choosing him.Â
Gator tackled Eden into the tightest hug ever, spinning her around. âOk, ok! Put me down!â Reluctantly, so reluctantly, he did, but he didnât let go, instead pulling you into the hug too. You all stood there, wrapped in the warmth of the moment. It was going to be the three of you, a family again. âOk.â Eden squirmed in Gatorâs arms. âI have a sleepover bag to go pack, soâŚâ Gator held her for just a second longer, scared that letting go would make the moment go away. But when he did, Eden was still looking at him with that same hopeful smile that you were. A promise sealed right there.
As he watched Eden slip up the stairs, he was so caught up in his happiness he didnât realize your eyes dropping down to his knuckles. âWhat happened to your hand?â He saw the tension in your shoulders as you asked. He knew what it would do to you if he told the truth.
âUh nothinâ justâŚâ he scrambled quickly for an answer. You had asked one thing. And now you were looking at him, blinking in pure fear. âTook my own tumble down the steps. In case you need to know, knuckles do not break your fall.Â
âYou okay?â You stepped closer, about to reach out for his hand but he took yours instead, tugging it towards him.Â
He nodded. âI will be once I fix that damn step.â You chuckled. âWell youâre definitely gonna need to if weâre gonna stay here.â He couldnât believe he was hearing those words out loud. The moment he heard Edenâs door close, he was pulling you to his chest, squeezing you so hard. âOk, baby, I just said Iâm gonna stay, so why are you squeezing me like Iâm going to vanish?âÂ
He still didnât let go. âIâm just happy.â He chuckled. âNever been happier in my damn life.âÂ
You pulled back, your lips pressing together. âI have one condition though.â His eyes scanned you up and down, heart frozen as he waited for the elaboration. âWe keep this house, but Karen and the girls get that one. They deserve it.â âDeserve it? She wants to burn this place down! She hates you and Eden.âÂ
You sighed, shaking your head. âGator, she spent whatâŚ8, 9 years with Roy? You donât think they deserve a home? One thatâs finally safe? Thatâs the only reason sheâs even fighting this.âÂ
Gator thought about it. If it was you. Two kids, and nowhere to go. A house was nothing. âNowâŚâ You smiled, cupping his face. âAbout that dateâŚâÂ
.ŕŚËË ŕŁŞ
The restaurant that Gator had chosen was perfect â low candlelight, delicious food and even a jazz band playing at the front. The only downside was the waiting time for the food. You were in Dickinson, barely ten minutes from Lehigh, but it still felt like a whole new world. Though you werenât sure that was because of your surroundings. You liked this world, where you and Gator were finally getting a moment to talk. And you had nine years of talking to catch up on. Youâd made a deal. No talking about the will, or your worries or even Eden, just for a night. Just for a night, it got to be you two again.
The problem was, youâd forgotten what the two of you even talked about before seventeen. Youâd been so nervous about the whole thing, youâd even gone back and listened to some old voicemails to figure it out. But football, math class and the chores you didnât want to do werenât exactly prime conversation starters for two adults with a teenaged daughter.Â
You blinked at him, watching the way he twisted in his seat and the slight pink in his cheeks. He was just as nervous as you.Â
âThis place is gorgeous, Gator.â You tried. God, this felt just like the day after you got together for the first time. The inability to keep eye contact, ever-bouncing limbs that moved with all the energy you had nowhere else to express.Â
âI uh, yeah, I know you like romantic shit like this.â
You rolled your eyes playfully. âOh, yeah, justâŚromantic shit.âÂ
âOk, thatâs not what I meant. I-â He sighed. âI dunno, Iâm real nervous about this. When was the last time we even did this date thing?â âYou say âlast timeâ like there was ever more than once.âÂ
âWe definitelyâŚâ His eyes flicked back and forth, searching for the memories. But there were none. âOh shit.âÂ
âIt was two days after you asked me to marry you.âÂ
You saw his smile grow a little as he remembered. âAt Daveâs.â His eyes dropped to where your left hand was nursing the wine glass in front of you. âAnd youâre wrong about the time.â You cocked your head. âIt was two days after my dad said we should. I asked to marry you that day.â He finally took your hand in his, running a thumb softly over your fingers. Specifically one finger.Â
Your cheeks grew warm, the image flashing in your mind. âYou seemed pretty into that romantic shitwhen you got down on your knees with that ring.âÂ
His mouth hung open at your wording. âOh, Jesus, I forgot about that.â âBoth. Knees.â You chuckled.Â
âI didnât know anythinâ about proposinâ and I was shittinâ myself thinkinâ youâd say no!â
Your breath caught in your throat. âYou thought Iâd say no?â He glanced away shyly, shrugging. You wanted to ask another question, then. You thought I had a choice? It was funny how two things like that could be true at the same time. You had loved Gator more than anything and you wanted to be married to him. But when Roy had proposed it, you werenât ever allowed to deny it, and there was certainly no chance you could back out after that.Â
Both your gazes dropped to your connected hands, where his fingers were still running. Again and again. âSwear Iâll do it properly next time.â He mumbled.Â
You shifted in your seat with a deep breath, but your hand stayed with his. âI wasâŚreflecting about us.â That was the word you chose to replace the way you replayed those voicemails again. âI realized, that we never just dated.â
He faltered. âWhat do you mean?â âI mean we went from friends toâŚsomething else, and before we even had a chance to label it, I was pregnant.â You looked down to the table again as you whispered the next part. âIf that hadnât happened, I would be just another girl you knew in high school.âÂ
Gator stopped in his tracks, hurt washing through him. âThatâs bullshit. I know youâre right about a lot, Dove, but that is bullshit.â His hand slipped out of yours as he pointed emphatically, like that would make you believe him. âYou were my best friend before you were anythinâ else and that was never gonna change.â
You only smiled slightly, and shook your head. He could believe that, but you knew. Youâd made your peace with that long ago. âMy point was, Gator, we didnât know what it meant to be together until we were already married. If weâre going to do this again, I donât want to make the same mistake twice.â He looked down, and you could see your entire past flooding through his mind, the darkness flooding as he realized it.Â
He pushed through it, raising his eyes to yours again and trying to smile. âSo what, am I your boyfriend now?â âIf you want to be.â âFuck yeah, I wanna be.â He pulled your hand to his mouth, pressing a delicate kiss to your palm that shot electricity through you.Â
âBut Gator? Maybe we should stop breaking our rules, and talk about anything but the past.â
He cleared his throat. âRight, um, well, I actually wanted to to ask you. What do you do for work?â
âTake orders of judgy people who whisper about me behind my back.â You responded without missing a beat.Â
âI mean, before in- In Chicago.â He choked the last word out, like he didnât want to dare think about you having a life outside of him. But he was asking, wasnât he? âHow did you even get it?âÂ
So you explained how at first, you had no work experience, and it took a while to find shitty night shifts at a gas station, but when you finally got Eden in school, you managed to find something better and work towards a GED. Thatâs how youâd found yourself in the slow crawl to becoming a secretaryâ coffee runs, setting up meetings, being called on a whim to execute your bossâ insane requests. You still hadnât made it much further than that. He blinked at you the whole time, jaw hung open but no words coming out. All he managed was a whispered, âJeez,â pity pouring through the word.
Royâs words slammed against you then. âYouâre never going to survive a job,â âYou and Gator will fall apart if you do that,â âYou belong here at home.â It was all ridiculous. âItâs a shitty job. But I did it.âÂ
He sighed. âYâ shouldnât have had to do all that shit.â Then you saw Gator cowering behind Roy, his eyes lowering to the floor, the time he told you âDadâs right. This is your job. Youâll be happier here than if you were workinâ.â
You shook your head. âYou know something? Even if it sucked, it felt so freeing to earn that.â You looked down to your still empty plate, heart stopped as you braced for Gatorâs response.Â
Just loud enough for you to hear, he breathed. âIâm real fuckinâ proud of you.âÂ
It was those words â those words so simple and sincere â that made stamped within you that staying was the right choice. You had years of shit to work through, but you could do it if you actually talked. If you listened. Worked for it.
Looking at Gatorâs sweet eyes, you remembered that you could have the world here. If you respected each other, if you talked this time.Â
And talk you did, about your lives here, plans for the house, whether you ever thought about getting back into things like painting, how he was dealing with life without Roy. There were a lot more conversations you needed to have, and plenty of time to think about your words. Thatâs the thing you never had before â time.Â
The food was cleared, the bill was paid, and for once, you were actually at peace. âIâm really glad we did this, Gator.â
You truly were as you both climbed back into the car, the exhaustion of the day hitting you slowly. The entire car ride home, his hand remained on your thigh, the slow circles he was rubbing there lulling you into a state of absolute bliss. Maybe it was just the way he was looking at you. Like this was all some hazy dream. Thatâs what it felt like to you as well. As you turned the sharp corner that took you into the ranch, Gator whistled in astonishment. âI think youâre a better driver than me.âÂ
âIâm a quick learner.â You shrugged, far too impressed with yourself with what should have been a basic achievement.Â
âClearly, I mean, I still donât get how youâŚâ He trailed off, and yet you knew exactly what he was talking about. How youâd even escaped that night with the car. You never told him that sometimes, when he was out at work, you would take his car and drive it the tiniest distance in front of the house. Never enough for others on the ranch to see, more like a test. Some part of you had known for a while that when you told him you wanted to leave, he wouldnât agree. It didnât seem any use bringing it up now.Â
âHey, can you put on some music?â You reached for anything to alleviate that twisting feeling in your gut.
You really needed to stop learning to spell your own doom.Â
When you handed Gator your phone and he punched in the passcode you fed him, his eyes blew
wide open seeing what was on the screen. âWhatâs this?â Your heart dropped to your feet before youâd even looked over, remembering exactly what you had open last. Your voicemail.Â
âItâs nothing.â You leaned over, trying to get hold of the phone, but he dodged it. You sighed, trying to keep your hand on the wheel and your eyes on the road and get your phone all in one go. âSeriously, Gator, itâs nothing.âÂ
He smirked. âIf itâs nothing then why are you being so defensive, huh?â He moved his hand higher.Â
âCome on.â You threw your arm up, managing to get hold of the phone. But as the two of you jokingly wrestled back and forth, it was too late.Â
Your finger slipped. The button was hit. And the sound was playing before you could stop it.
âHeyyyy. Itâs me.â All the air was sucked from the car as Gator recognised his own drunk voice over the speaker. âWait, you probably donât evân rec-uh-nize my voice anymore, huh. âS Gator. Your fuckinâ husband. âMember me, Dove?â You pounced to press the stop button but Gator had snatched the phone from you, holding it out of your reach. Over the phone, Gator gave a small chuckle. âA gator and a dove. Course it never worked. You were too pure fâ this world. âN I took that ân I fuckinâ ruined you. âS all I do, huh? R-ruin things. âM finally my daddyâs boy. Are ya proud oâ me?â Gator looked down at the phone, blinking slowly.
ââS all I ever wanted yâknow? Fâ you to be proud. Wanted to do you good. Thought you and Edie deserved that. But I was wrong!â Your stomach twisted. Everything in you wanted to die. His face now looked just as hurt as you had imagined it was when he called you and said all this. âWhy did you leave, Dove?â He whimpered over the phone. ââI miss yâ so bad. âS all IâŚFuck. You left me. Iâm all alone. Iâll always be alone.â Gator still hadnât changed his expression, hadnât even looked at you. ââMemberâŚâmember yâ told me âbout destiny? Thaâs mâ fuckinâ destiny, huh? And you knew.â The way his tone shifted from hurt to anger made your stomach sink.
Because you knew what was coming next.
And you were reminded that the man that said those words was the same one sitting next to you now. âMaybe you were always gonna leave. I fuckâŚI fuckinâ hate you. Wish I never met you. Wish I never fucked you. Wish you stayed at your dadâs! You deserve it. Deserve everythinâ that happened to ya.â There was a long beat where he breathed heavily over the phone. The next words came out a lot smaller. âI didnât meant that I- Just come back, baby.âÂ
The engine came to a sputtering stop as you pulled up to the house.Â
And then the car was filled with a crushing silence. You had heard that a few times now, but it hurt all the same. The first time you had sobbed your eyes out silently while Eden slept in the room next door. But you could see it in his eyes. Gator didnât even remember leaving that message.Â
And what was more humiliating? He knew. He knew now that you listened to these casually. It was sick and ridiculous, but sometimes you just liked to torture yourself thinking about what could have been. You sat with baited breath for his reaction. Was he going to yell that you were sick for keeping that? Pretend it didnât happen? Gator handed the phone back to you, avoiding eye contact. Without another word, he swallowed, pushing the car door open. Maybe this was a good thing, maybe you could forget. You followed after him, as he fumbled with the keys to the front door. He was shaking as he tried to place it in the keyhole. He tried once, twice. It only worked after the third attempt.Â
He shoved it open taking a few steps into a living room, the entire time he kept his back to you. His breaths were heavy, and you could tell he was seething.Â
As much as you wished you could shove this back down somewhere deep, you could see the way his mind was spiraling, wondering why on Earth you were listening to that. âGatorâŚâ You took a step toward him and he finally turned. Under the white glow of the room, his eyes glistened. They were glassy. He wasnât angry⌠âGator?â You whispered, approaching slightly closer.Â
His lip trembled slightly. âThat nightâŚâ He breathed hard through his nose, barely holding it together. âWas it true whatcha said to your mom? Was your dad really gonna kâŚâ He couldnât finish the words.Â
For some reason, he was the only person you were able to be honest with. âI donât know, Gator. But I was scared.â You could still hear your bedroom door rattling as he tried to take it off its hinges, ramming his shoulder into it as he screamed.Â
âIâm sorry.â He managed to let out, before the tears began to roll. You stomach sank. You realized, then, you couldnât remember the last time you saw him cry. You stepped forward, tentatively placing your hand on his arm. He stumbled back, turning around so his face was hidden from you. âIâm so sorry.â He muffled through the palms pressed to his face. And you could tell it was for more than just the comments heâd made when he was drunk and heartbroken. You tried again, this time not touching but trying to get him to look at you. âI canât believe- I shoulda knownâŚâÂ
What would he have done if he knew? Because either way, one of you was going to get hurt. And despite it all, you couldnât imagine a life without your beautiful daughter. âNo, Gator.â You whispered, placing your palm between his shoulder blades, rubbing softly. This time, he crumpled into you. âI didnât mean it, Dove. I would never say that again.â His hands balled into the front of your shirt, burying his face into your neck as he sniveled. âYou have to believe me.â âI do. I do.â You whispered, trying to rub at his back and calm him down. But he was so lost in his own words that he couldnât hear you.Â
ââF I ever let you get hurt- Shouldnâtâa even made you meet your Mom.â He gasped shallowly, as he moved to wrap his arms around you. You cradled his head, letting him get it out, too stunned to do much else. âI wish I coulda stopped it all. Youâre the last person thatdeserved it.â
âGator,â You breathed, smoothing his hair back. âNeither did you.â He shifted his eyes up to meet yours, a shaky breath meeting the skin of your neck.Â
He still sniffled a little, wiping his eyes with one hand while the other remained holding onto you. Like you could slip away at any moment. He let out a small chuckle. âThis is what Iâm talking about. Youâre too pure.âÂ
That made your blood boil. âNo, Gator.â You tilted his face up with your finger. âYou didnât deserve it. No one deserves that. And the fact that you think that you or anyone else ever could, is scary. Do you understand that?âÂ
He blinked at you for a long moment, like that was the first time heâd heard that.Â
With a swallow, he nodded.
.ŕŚËË ŕŁŞ
When Gator had calmed, you took him to your room, settling on the bed from the exhaustion of the day. You went to the ensuite to grab him a glass of water, your entire body shaking as you did. It wasnât from fear, or frustration. But you couldnât believe it.
GatorâŚwell, heâd just proved to you that he was in this. That he understood. The first time around, you couldnât be honest with him, and thatâs exactly how your relationship had crumbled. How long were you going to dodge your problems? That didnât make them go away, did they? But that meant you had to officially face your demons. For everyoneâs sake.Â
You reached for your phone, dialing Malcolmâs number. Your heart stayed caught in your throat as the line rang out. One ring. It wasnât that late. Then two. You had to just get this over with. Three. If he ignored you, then-
âHey. I thought youâd never call.â He sounded so excited.
âHey.â You inhaled, trying to calm your mind. âI think we should-â
âBefore you say anything, I know itâs hard for you to be around Gator, and I know you have a lot of history, but come on baby. We had a good life in Chicago.â You breathed deep, that twisting feeling rising in your chest. âWeâre engaged, weâre going to be married. Think about-â
âMalcolmâŚâ You whispered. And that was enough. Malcolm went quiet on the other end, nothing but the static of the phone filling your ears. âWhy are you doing this?âÂ
Your stomach dropped. The exact question Gator asked you all those years ago. âItâs not fair on you, Malcolm.â Was it awful for you to be honest with him? Maybe, but heâs the one who was so sure in the first place that you were betraying him. âI never cheated, butâŚI donât think we belong together.â
âWhat? And you belong with Gator?âÂ
âItâs not about him.â You sighed. You were starting to understand that the issues in your relationship ran a lot deeper than another man. âI havenât been honest with you, and I know thatâs my fault, I do, but Iâm done lying.âÂ
âThen tell me the truth. Are you with him right now?â
You bit your lip, the blood about to spill behind your skin. âYes.â You whispered.
One word. One word and you saw all his true colors. He burst out into a string of curses and insults, the pain in his voice all too obvious. âI canât believe this. I loved you. I fucking loved you and you do this to me?âÂ
âI-â
âI treated you so well-â
âYou smashed a hole in the wall, Malcolm!â You finally screamed. Yeah, youâd screwed up plenty in that relationship. But that, that was all him. Malcolmâs love felt pretty empty when he thought it was ok to do that. The bathroom door flew open at your volume and Gator stood there, with a face you couldnât quite read. Sympathy? Disappointment? Certainly frustration.Â
âFuckâs he sayinâ to you?â Gator nodded towards your phone, taking a step inside.Â
Malcolm laughed, hearing the voice. âThere he is, huh? Your white knight.â You needed to get out of the cramped space, stepping back into your bedroom.Â
Gator followed right behind and now you could see the concern etching his features. âDonât listen to his sweet talk, ok? Heâs lyingâŚâ âYou think that manâs better than me? Wow, you have worse judgmentâŚâ The two of them were talking over each other in either of your ears. Insults thrown one way, then the other, pleading you to listen.The words started blurring together, âidiot,â âliar,â âprotector.â You couldnât tell who was saying what or why they were saying it. Then Malcolm said words that cut through it all. âHeâs going to hurt you so much worse than I did. He already hurt me.â You froze. âWhat? Gator hurt you?â Gator froze.Â
The look in his eyes gave you the answer before Malcolm even spoke the words. âI came over to the ranch yesterday to pick up my things. Beat my ass just for trying to see my own fiancĂŠe.â Instantly, your stomach lurched, your throat went thick and your heart stopped. You couldnât produce words. âHe was fucking crazy. One of my eyes is swollen shut right now, and it wouldâve been worse if he kept going. When itâs you that ends up like that, donât come crawling back to me.â And then he hung up.Â
You felt a pit in your stomach. You thought you were safe. You thought Gator was finally learning, healing.Â
Now the ground was crumbling beneath your feet all over again.
.ŕŚËË ŕŁŞ
taglist (comment on masterlist to be added): @thesecretoftheswan, @aecd27, @wolfiee10, @officerrrfriendly, @steviaorsugar, @valentine-night, @nosebeers, @acdassenza, @literal-tv-menace, @torntaltos, @luminousdoomsellsworld, @pietrothemovie, @megoshh, @djobug, @eleanor-harrington, @stevesbabe10010, @dopeysunflowers, @bells-bookshelf, @itsdjoverr, @ms-mountebank, @ripmornings, @purplequeen64-stuff, @theshiniestgemstone, @adoreyou-ido, @talesofathirtysomethingnothing, @keerygirlie98, @noorgee, @jamdoughnutmagician, @missyd0ll, @redvelvetcupcke1, @scaramou, @hazzaisonfirelol, @kristywidget97, @jorkingtodjo, @kurtsw7rld96, @s3xytosomeone, @harrystylesgirlie, @lacyiris, @mysticbellie, @omgwoah15, @helaenabugmom, @l-r-fernandez, @4v3rybl0zz0m
oh girl...... girlllllllll
my baby gator <3

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
yours to lose
Gator doesn't like being replaced.
part 2 of mine to miss Gator Tillman x fem!reader tags: fingering, p in v sex, oral sex, handcuffs are involved, gets kinda angsty in the middle (the whole thing is kinda angsty), car sex, a lot of talking, etc
Gator Tillman wasnât fond of losing control. His need for authority and to feel powerful was written all over his face, it was almost pathetic. And you? You liked being the one thing that made him lose a little bit of that control. That made him almost beg for you to let him in at the middle of the night. Nothing else in your life seemed right. At least you had the sheriffâs son wrapped around your finger for a couple hours a week.
thinking of k*lling gator...
I should be writing the next part of Love Is Where You Find It, but I could not stop thinking about just the tip with Stevie <3333 so here have this little blurb
He's just cuddling with you so innocently, he's trying to be a good boy and do right by you because he had rushed many relationships before, girls he'd walk out his door and never see again. But he didn't want that to be you. You weren't just another notch in his bedpost, no, you were special to him and maybe this was old fashioned of him, Steve kind of wanted your first time together to be special too.
But then, there you are, curled around his sturdy body dressed in nothing but one of his old high school t-shirts, your hands inching underneath his worn thin shirt, your fingertips grazing over the tapering trail of dark hairs disappearing down past his waistband. Your eyes looking at him, so expectedly, so pleading.
And he's so fucking hard about it, of course he is. His dick is twitching with anticipation, chubbing up to press a thick outline in his grey sweatpants.
âSteveâŚpleaseâŚâ You murmur your whine against his skin as your press little hot open mouth kisses in the crook of his neck.Â
His resolve to deny you what you truly want is hanging on by a thread.
âStevieâŚ.â you coo so sweetly. âI wanna feel youâŚplease..I just want youâŚâ
Fuck. There it was, that little nickname you only pulled out when you wanted something. That little nickname that drove him absolutely crazy. He wanted to be good, he really did, you made it so fucking hard.
Your delicate, but purposeful touches, your nails raking red marks on his stomach had him shuddering, he could only take so much.
âOkay Honey, but just the tip yeah?â he tells you, laying bruising kisses of his own on the column of your throat. Little claiming marks blooming into tattoos of his affections on your warm skin.
And before he even knew what he was doing, Steve was hovering above you, pushing his sweatpants down around his thighs, crudely spitting in his palm to slick up his cock before gliding his length through your folds. Your perky nipples popping up from underneath your shirt to rub against the soft hairs on his chest, and something about the simplicity of that has Steve's mind spinning.Â
âIâm just giving you the tip, okay, baby? I donât want to hurt youâ
He angles his hips to slowly enter you, rocking his hips in shallow little thrusts as your welcoming heat envelops the pre-cum slick head of his cock.
It takes everything within Steve to not just give into you, and fuck every throbbing inch of him into you like he really wants to. Your thighs are hooked around his hips like you can't bear one second without him inside you.
The thing is, Steveâs big. He knows he's big. And this isn't some macho, egotistical thing, he's just knows how much he'll have to ease you in to take him fully, and right now, all he can do it keep as steady pace as his hip shift in controlled thrusts as he sinks his tip into your wet and awaiting cunt.
But youâre begging him so nicely, the shining bubble of tears gracing your lashes all because of how desperately you need to feel the full stretch of him inside you. Begging because you know Steveâs practically a pushover when it comes to you, keen to give you anything you want, if only you flutter your eyelashes at him in just the right way.Â
and he almost gives in to you. Almost. But then he flashes you that devastatingly charming smile from underneath that fringe of luscious hair, and gives you a line that makes your stomach drop.
âI know you want it bad, honey, I know you do, but if youâre good for me now, I promise Iâll make it worth your while next time.â
just screamed into my pillow btw