Okuto Nakamura is my spirit animal

↠ⁿᵉˣᵗ ˢᵒⁿᵍ ↺ ʳᵉᵖᵉᵃᵗ ⊜ ᵖᵃᵘˢᵉ

ɴᴏᴡ ᴘʟᴀʏɪɴɢ: ᴍʀ. ʟᴏᴠᴇʀᴍᴀɴ

ʙʏ ʀɪᴄᴋʏ ᴍᴏɴᴛɢᴏᴍᴇʀʏ

I 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 thought about this before but I'm just not sure how I would go about it. I'm not sure how I would write an autistic person because I'm not autistic so I can't speak on what it's like :(

And not the alive kind.

Put yourself in my shoes for but a moment, my dear reader. You are walking into your human friend's humble abode. Everything is normal. And then BAM, they take out their miniature plastic version of them from their closet full of other miniature plastic humans.

And I admit my retelling may be a LITTLE dramatic but not by much. I don't know how I didn't find out about this sooner. I came with the news as soon as I could guys!!

There was even some in depth research involved. Humans really like making things that look like them, and it's called dolls. Clay, straw, plastic, glass, you name it. It's kinda self-absorbed ANYWAY it's also really weird. Who would want to stare at that? It's... you. There's nothing special about it.

No offense to any humans reading. Unless you own a doll, in whic case I consider you weird.

youve heard of the regular kind of sick. now get ready for the Ultra Painful and Stupid version

Alien: (Opens the door and knocks, despite having already stepped in) "Hey, we need a fuel replacement in... uh."

(The human is eating ice cream out of a tub and watching a really stupid rom com on their laptop (While in tears))

Alien: "..."

(Prolonged eye contact) (Breakdown follows shortly after)

Human: (Rambles on about how they are so in love with Brad and they can never tell Brad and Brad is like totally their best friend)

Alien: (After calming withering hatred for Brad) "I'm... sorry I can't help with your love problems. Geez, come here, you're a mess..."

Alien: (Cleaning off the humans ice cream filled and snotty face with their shirt) "This reminds me of when you were sick."

Human: (Sniffling) "I am sick. I'm lovesick."

Alien: "That's a thing? Gosh, you humans and your emotions. So fragile."

Human: "It's just a saying. I think. Feels real enough to me..."

Alien: "You guys really do NEED companionship. I couldn't even begin to understand that."

Alien: "Hah... Get up, I'm buying you sushi."

this is what it should've been

I actually dont have anything to say right now but it feels weird not to start one of my posts with some thought prologue

Human: (Half asleep, barely keeping their eyes open, accidentally presses the wrong Red Button)

Alien: (Notices that their favorite human is about to step into the ship's waste chute just in time to wrap their tail around the human's waist)

Alien: "What the hell!?" (Exclaimed while steadying them with oddly gentle hands)

Human: "Wha? Why'd you grab me..? I need to slide into the... the, um... I forgot what I came here for."

Alien: "What is 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 with you!?" (Keeps a hand on them while they close the trash chute) "You were about to get yourself killed!"

Human: "Oh. I'm... sorry, I had the most horrible dream last night. It made me wake up in the middle of the night and I couldn't fall back asleep."

Alien: (Still irritated, guiding them to a safer spot) "Not a good excuse. Also, what's a dream?"

Human: (Gives the alien a look) "You don't 𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮? When humans fall asleep our brains, like, process the day through dreaming. It's like a movie in our heads."

Human: "The one I had scared me, so I didn't want to fall asleep again."

Alien: "That sounds incredibly made up. You see movies in your sleep that your brain made?"

Human: "Essentially."

Alien: "It also sounds exhausting. You just never get any rest?"

Human: "I'm still sleeping 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘦 I dream. So it counts."

(They both fall silent. The human knows exactly what the other wants to hear.)

Human: "I dreamt meteors came down and destroyed the city. I had to float around on the ocean sitting on a pics of debris, all alone."

Alien: "You have a weird brain..."

Human: "You basically asked. Looks like someone secretly 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘴 about me."

"humans do this" "humans do that" "humans are the best and everyone else is weak" okay but have you thought of the things we CANT do? Like whats up with that?

Human: (Answering phone) "Hello?"

Alien: "Hey, it's me."

Human: "Who's 'me'?"

Alien: "C'mon, you know who it is. What are you doing?"

Human: (Exhales, because, of course they know who 'me' is) "I'm making breakfast."

Alien: "Oooh, can I have some?"

Human: "Come down in ten. I'll be done cooking the eggs by then."

Alien: "Cooking...? Why would you cook your eggs?"

Human: "... Why wouldn't you?"

Alien: "Just eat them how they are. Cooking is for fancy people."

Human: "Oh, sure, I'll just feed you salmonella for breakfast."

Alien: "What.... OHHHH YEAHHH!"

Human: (Winces) "Quiet down, it's like eight in the morning."

Alien: "You humans can't eat raw food, I remember now! For all your talks about the millions of germs in your body you sure do have some weak internal systems."

Human: "You mean you eat your food RAW?"

Alien: "Most people do. And then they're the special folks..."

Human: "Shut up, you can't drink coffee."

Alien: "You can't even develope your own raw germs repellant!"

Human: "And 𝘺𝘰𝘶 still couldn't withstand one bite from me."

I just wanna say: No real judgment to humans, ya know, I love em.

But godDAMN are you DISGUSTING.

You guys just love getting your germs everywhere. I'm hanging out with Sammy, and they are just putting their hands on everything they see. On metal tube bars while going down stairs. On the wall while passing by. On another human's pet domesticated animal!

I decided I had to come deliver the news to you all. Humans LOVE touching things. Everything. They love spreading their 𝘨𝘦𝘳𝘮𝘴 everywhere.

And I mean it when I say everything! I said to Zach, I said, "Don't touch that pipe yet, it's still steaming."

And you know what he does?

HE TOUCHES IT.

Don't worry, I'm not a heartless monster. I put ointment on his burn and uttered affirmational statements. But I also said that I told him so the entire time. Just... so stupid.