Welcome

I thought all of the changes I've been through is because of you. Then, today, I realized that I was wrong. It all caused because of my work at the office. It was very overwhelming, until I am depersonalization. Until I don't wanna see people anymore. I don't wanna interact. It all because I am tired with people. My therapist suggest me to meet positive people and others who can make me happy and smile. She told me to have a break and relaxation a bit. I cried during my session.

Dear my Therapist

Ouch, it becomes spiral. It feels like I am running in a circle, no way out. It hurts. Too much. I don't have any courage to cut you off from my life. What if I need you? Maybe that's what you think towards me huh?

I don't like this situation, when I stuck in one person which is very impossible to have a future. It's torturing me. I have told my best friend, she told me that maybe I have to take more time, maybe 2 years from now, maybe my feelings will be neutral towards him. Maybe. I hope so.

Every time something reminded me of him, I tried to think about his ick and how his perspective changed from the last time we met. He was act very uncomfortable AND I felt that I don't know who am I talking to that time. He feels like a stranger. How sad. The thing is we all are adulting and evolving. He maybe evolving to become the person which I will avoid in the future. He seems skeptical, very judgmental (well, that's still very him), underestimating others, and act like he knows everything about me in and out, while he's not even 1% knows me.

Not gonna lie, the journey of this "moving on" is getting tougher. Ten days to go to my resignation. This month will be the last month of me working my ass off just to get over from you. Somehow, in those hectic days, I still managed to think about you every single night. How cruel is that. Meanwhile, you don't even remember me.

I think after I resign, I want to stick myself with my mom, very close. I really just need her right now. I need her to just make me sober. It's torturing me in some points with all these moving on journey. I am very sure I can get through this like I always do. Joe? Dinosaur? you name it, by only figuring out those boys are hell out nothing to think other than their pleasure, I can tell they are all Narcissistic. What's happening with every man I met? How long do I need to be the training centre for the jackass. Oh Lord, I had enough.

I watched "Voicemails For Isabelle" on Netflix

Frankly speaking, I got starstruck again, for the first time after a long time, not because anyone, just because watching this movie gives me faith to believe in "Life rigs things in our favors". Yes, I believe that Allah has prepared some much things in the future for me which is based on what I need in the moment.

Once again, thank you Wes and Jill, of course Izzy <3

I wanted to celebrate my accomplishments on how my “moving on” journey is going strong until now. I have managed to keep up the feelings to be guarded from falling into the delusional trap of him again. I am so grateful that Allah has guide me to the right path and gives such an ease on this journey with everyone who surrounds me, they’re very supportive and understanding with the reasoning behind it.

I am looking forward for another open doors. I would not play dumb and blind anymore with signals from anyone else. Lately, I’ve been lying all along to myself and denying every sign from Allah about the true soulmate.

My vision is doing two different kinds of business in the same time simultaneously 🙂‍↕️🙏🏽 I need to balancing those two things which I consider for myself is urgent and essential in my circumstances.

I felt alive again.

Having a good parent who can guide the children and home becomes the safest place in the world, it’s such a privilege

After few months working in very heterogeneous communities, which have diverse backgrounds in family basis, socio-economic, and last education levels, I realized that I am very fortunate and privileged.

Today, 31 May 2026

Ruma Coffee and Eatery, Bangka

You appear with a navy t-shirt, I assumed that was your favorite, blue jeans, and the brown shoes. We both wore jeans hehe. You look great and very comfortable. You even gets a compliment from a random girl, she said that you looked cute. HAHA … I mean how come you are cute while you have such thick mustache :)

Actually, I was about to discuss about my feelings for you and ended up our friendship today. However, I felt very cruel if I did that. I can’t. I can’t live without you as my friend. The one which I don’t need afraid of you hating me for not replying your messages, while you did the same anyway :( the one who accompanied me for all this time. You really are my fuel in my career journey.

I want you to know, let’s try to grow up. You need to seek more education or knowledge in many things. Could you please restrain yourself from entertainment and a wasting time activities, such as drinking or smoking or hanging around with random girls? Well, if it’s not true… but you made me think like that

You are 10, but somehow you don’t act like you are 10…come on… I always say, you are more than this, please wake up. If it means you have to interact with me more, I am open for it. I am very open for potential people who want to thrive. I really do. You know what maybe I do love you, as my friend. I don’t need to own you, I just need to see your spirit and rigorously achieve your goals in career. PLEASE JUST BE OPTIMISTIC.

I know so many things are hard, but does not mean it’s impossible. Come on! You are more than what you think.

One last thing, I just realized that you constantly guide me or suggest me or even rule me to do or not to do on particular things. I don’t know, do you usually do that to everyone? or just me, because you do know that I will receive and process the advice? My concern still the same, your smoking and drinking habits. That’s all

At first, I was thinking to make a rule, during our meeting, you don’t allowed to smoke… however, my hearts still saying “none of my business” that’s why i hesitate to tell you, also because we’ve been not meeting for a long time and how come on our first/second meeting I became very bossy… Well, I’m not even your mother :))

The things is I still do like you, as my friend and let’s become a successful business partner in the future.

Now, I am much more relieved than ever.

Thank you and sorry I won’t be a good friend in the future.

My dad has warned me about not wasting my time on you if our relationship isn’t going anywhere. He surely knows and understands that we cannot be together in our circumstances unless you convert… but not because of me, but yourself, like you find peace and happiness within my faith.

why is it so hard for us to just meeet? 😭

I saw you smile, I saw you quite happy and relief. I hope you doing well. I always wishing you the best and after I saw you enjoyed the moment you had in that event, I am very sure to letting you go.

You don’t have to know my feelings and else because there’s no chance…between us

We have too high and thick boundaries

I’m pursuing my path right now is based on our talking that night, when she was sleeping, on the way to the city from a really iconic and beautiful forest. Thanks to you, you opened my mind and waking me up to starting the preparations. You did that. I still thank you for this journey. Alhamdulillah, Allah let me to achieve all of this as planned. Once again, thank you

Cut the ties, the imaginary ties. I felt tied up. I want to be free.

If you read this, yes this is about you I wanna cut the ties for good, no more meetings, interactions, updates, reminder, warnings, no more anything. I am sorry, I can't be a good friend. You can find another friend, there are plenty friends like me, it's not suppose to be me. I am replaceable and i'm just a phase. Thank you for all the moments and becoming a good friend throughout the year. I believe that everyone has their own timeline in someone else's life and I think yours ends now. Thank you and goodbye For my promises, i think I've already asked you about it, but you seems not replying on that, I will take that as an answer that you don't want it. So, my promise is done.

There are several ick you have that I can't tolerate it. So, even though that we may be have potential, but I couldn't accept those ick until you repent and change to be a better one. I don't want to be the reason you change, but yourself are. I like you, very much, as a person despite the bad habit you have. We both may consciously aware of our boundaries. We clearly do. All I can say is thank you and good luck for everything. I always wishing you the best for life. Please invite me on your wedding day not your funeral.

little did you know, I've tried to get over you since September 2025 May I succeed this time

I'M DONE. See you when I see you. I mad serious this time, I promise

Monday, 18 May 2026 01. 27 WIB

It's been more than 6 months of me trying to deny it. I tried everyday. It's intoxicating, very. All my friends know you. I bet they can instantly recognize you if you accidentally bumped each other. It's just very funny to remind this, my friends already sick of me, if I told them about you. They are very allowed to rolled their eyes, but they are too kind to do so, they still love me deeply, so they keep listening to me instead. I am very grateful for having them in my life, truly. Through this fluctuate of me in longing you, they already sick of it. Lately, I felt suffocated by this feeling. I've freed you. Now, please let me free. It's really suffocating, torturing, what should I do to be fully healed and released?

You were there eating Mie ayam in the morning. From the distance I knew it was you, but I chose not to greet you. I was with my mom wanting to get some groceries. My mom and I went in to a supermarket. Before I went in, I saw you went into another store besides the supermarket.

I was just strolling around the store like usual, then I saw you from behind in the same lane. I tried to avoid you. I took another lane. However, I failed. We met, you saw me and my mom. My mom greet you happily, she kinda salting :)) You looked pretty confused. You greeted me excitedly and we had handshake. Then, you continued to be with us the rest of the groceries strolling. You came as the version I known you. The lovely, kind, and caring one. Such a gentleman.

You were there, protecting me from any danger surrounding. I felt safe with your presence. This dream makes me tangled

I know it was only a dream, but it feels too real

It was too good to be true

You are lovely and kind, but somehow I didn’t see that side of you lately. You’ve been being a different person until I didn’t recognize you anymore. I’m just very disappointed with you right now. You could’ve been act more mature and wise in choosing which path you take. Love yourself. You seem lost and gone too far.

I really just wanna remind you to focus on what’s really matters. Come on, you are more than this. I believe in you. You have such potential

The one who can change the situation is only you. If, with these people and conditions made you like this, I don’t know, maybe your mommy will agree with me too.

I just missed you, ‘that’ version of you; or maybe that was your version only for me and right now is you real one? I don’t know how you deceive me with all the kindness, but I’ll take the goodness within it

See you when I see you, my Dear

I’m done.

Friday, 15 May 2026