I'm under absolutely no obligation to make sense to you

Really hating myself. I don't want to live anymore.

Maybe one day I'll wake up without crying and having the urge to just throw myself out the window and be done with it

I give up on getting to be my own person and having a life that I actually want to live

I know I need help. Every time I'm by myself for a while I start wanting to give up and I can't manage to keep going. I can't find the energy or motivation to do anything and my mind goes all foggy and it's so hard to get out of it. But sometimes it's like a switch flips and I can think clearly again and see that I do actually want to live and keep going and I feel like myself again, almost. And I don't even know what I need and I am so confused and upset about everything going on right now as well and I'm just trying to survive. I feel a lot that I am completely forgotten about as soon as I am out of sight. That no one even thinks or remembers about me when I am not there. And sometimes I get indication that that isn't true and it makes me think that I do actually exist. But when I'm stuck alone I don't see that at all, and all i can think about is how I don't matter and that no one would notice or care if I stopped existing. I don't know why this is happening to me but it's so hard to feel like I can't trust myself or my thoughts anymore. And I know it's just my brain being mean to me and saying things that aren't true necessarily, but when it feels so real at the time I can't do anything other than believe it, especially when I can't even form focused thoughts or concentrate. I feel like I'm ruining everything for myself right now.

.

I don't know what it's called when a physical health scare, shocks away my emotional mental health issues, but that's me right now.

.

I feel like I'm going to be sick

I don't know how I've gone over two decades and the only people who I think actually really care about me are my family. I'm not complaining about that because I am grateful to have them but it's like, I thought when you grow up you're meant to find your own people and support system, and grow into your own person independent of who you grew up with. And I'm just sitting here like. My parents are the only people I actually trust won't leave me eventually and move on from me, and it makes me feel very young and childlike, like I'll never have a life of my own because no one else wants me. And it's like there's nothing for me outside of that box, and I should just go back inside and it's not worth trying to leave it again or be my own person. I've tried, and there's nothing else out there for me and I'm wanting to give up on living. No one wants me for being myself, and I don't see the point to keep going knowing how lonely it will be for me ahead.

The way that great gatsby ends with there still being stuff that happens after his death (spoilers !!) and like the reprise of Roaring On ending the whole show on a higher note, despite it not necessarily being a happy ending, is similar to how I thought Bonnie and Clyde was going to end the very first time I listened to it last year (a lovely spring day in March when I was severely injured and in much pain). I was seeing that the last number in the soundtrack was called 'finale' and I thought it was going to be something to end the show on a slightly happier note, but no. I still can't believe that this show literally ends with them getting in the car, you hear the echo of Bonnie's last words with the callback to How 'bout a dance, and then. They're dead. The end. That's it. My poor heart will never recover. And I think it is a really fitting end because really, what else is there left to say?

Does anyone even like me. I feel like such a waste of space