Complete and Utter Bullshit

It’s been years since I’ve posted, but this song describes somewhat where things are heading.

Characters I feel like this song describes somewhat:

Bruce Wayne

Tim Drake

Artemis Fowl

Uraraka Ochaco

The Wolf of Wall Street

Kaiba Seto

Patrick Bateman

Heathcliff

Mr. Darcy

Mr. Burns

Ebenezer Scrooge

Ootori Kyoya

Jay Gatsby

Chuck Bass (pre Blair)

I hate this. I am so tired. I am so weak. I have been fighting for so long but I am starting to break down again. I don't want to be alive. I never did. I don't want to die either. I can't win. I need a break. Just one span of time where nothing horribly wrong happens to me. When I can stop failing and succeed for once.

Feel loved just once.

Feel happy just once.

All I've ever wanted was to feel happy just once.

I want someone to hold me willingly, tell me that they are proud of me, and mean it.

I want someone to look at me and actually know who I am.

I am starving. For love, for touch, for sympathy. No one likes it when you beg for those things, but no one is giving them to me anyway. So I go without.

I want to be understood and not undermined or dismissed.

I come from a family made of problems. My problems are just the ones that don't matter.

This wasn't supposed to sound like a note, but I am dying on the inside and no one seems to be listening to me. No one seems to care.

"get over it." "live your life" "it was in the past"

I was a child. I was still developing. It will never just be the past to me. It is every person I meet from now on. I am damaged goods and there is no fixing the things inside me that are broken. I'd know I've tried and nothing ever works.

I really hope the meds make it better or this will be my note.

You love your family, you do. You don't.

Spending time with them is awful.

Spending time with them is great!

You really miss them.

You really miss your privacy.

You love them, you really do.

You feel so loved and warm and safe.

Emotions? You don't know her.

Well, actually you do.

You have an abusive relationship, they flip flop and change and take your energy and it takes *weeks* to get it all back.

They ruin your relationships and make you cry, laugh, and rage at the wrong times.

They make you unable to focus on anything.

They lie to you about how you actually feel.

So you tell them to "shut up!" and try to will them away.

You're sad.

You don't know why (or you do but it happened so long ago no one knows why it still hurts), but it's always there.

Everyone tells you to fix it because it sucks for them.

Don't they know that if you could, it would be fixed?

Why would they care?

You don't know who you are.